Doesn't matter what you do, it's what you did that's hurting you

I've forgotten how much I liked Kelly Clarkson's cd, Breakaway. I'd been meaning to listen to it again for a while, but just never got around to it. But today I popped it in my car stereo on the way home, and realized how much the majority of the songs just speak to me and describe things in my life. And it's just a really good cd overall. Anyways, Friday night was RJ's going away party, which was so much fun...probably a little too much fun! I definitely had way too much to drink, and I feel like I probably made a fool out of myself in front of Adam's roommates (who were all there). I have a feeling that it will be getting back to him. But I really don't care. I had fun, and he's no longer a part of my life because he didn't want to be. I don't WANT him to be. I want to have a party of my own. I really, really want to. It wasn't anything big, just people hanging out and watching movies and drinking. But at mine, there's definitely going to be dancing! And lots of it!! Because there's nothing more that I like to do when I'm drunk than dance!!! I thought I was doing pretty good energy-wise today, but so much for that. I went home again, like yesterday, to help mom with Graham's room. I basically sorted some papers, and fell asleep on his bed with one of the kittens (Kumba) and Lucy. And I didn't think I'd be able to work out after that, but I wanted to so bad. When I got home, I decided to take a walk. Well, it ended up being a walk/run, and we'll see how I'll be feeling tomorrow. That's the one thing that I've hated the most about having mono--not being able to workout. Sure, some people would scoff at me and be like, big deal...But it's been such an important thing in my life for the past 2 1/2 years, and it's gotten me through so much, not to mention into the best shape of my entire life. And not being able to workout is definitely showing it's effects on me. To anyone else, it's nothing major, but to me, it's a big deal. It's really bringing me down. I want my energy back! I know I'll be able to get back to normal once I start working out rigorously everyday like I used to, but in the meantime, I'm not happy with my body. I was so proud of what I'd been able to achieve, and within 2 months, I've lost what I worked so hard for. A minor factor is the alcohol intake, but last semester I was still working out. And now I barely am. It was the one thing I'd always look forward to, seriously. And I miss it so much. It made me feel so good about myself. I need to call about the treadmill tomorrow. Hopefully I'll actually do it.

Someday we'll meet among the stars

Exhausted--that's how I feel tonight. I've been going all day, with no nap. I'm surprised I made it through. At first I was mainly tired because I stayed up late hanging out with Kathryn and Meredith and the rest of their small group. My favorite part was rolling down the hill on campus. Great fun. And I didn't even need to drink to act a little stupid like I was: "This is all me!" But it was definitely weird showing up at Decent Pizza and Matt being there...I only know him through Adam, and they're really good friends, like the best of friends. So it'll probably definitely get back to him. Not that I really care! Then he was at the vollyball game, too. But whatever. Oh, apparently, when RJ asked Meredith (which we find funny that he thinks we're like the best of friends, considering I didn't ever hang out with her until recently--it's Kathryn I'm really close to) if I was coming, Matt said something like, "the Mallory?" and Jessica asked if he knew me and he said he did through his roommate, which is RJ's cousin and said that we dated, or sorta dated, or didn't really know...Yeah, so I find little bits like this interesting, especially when it's about me coming from guys. After the movie at Lisa's, it was really cool to learn that they all feel the same way about the whole Christian-fundamentalist thing (not really sure how to word it, so I don't think it really came out right, but I'll try and explain). When RJ mentioned in a sarcastic voice about how he was excited about the Christian movie theater that Christian Heritage Church was going to be putting in where Movies 8 is, I realized that they were my kind of people! Haha...I knew Kathryn wasn't how I was thinking they might be, because I wasn't sure (so did not make any sense, but whatever). But then after that comment...and I'm glad to hear that they liked Saved! because that movie is so good. Everyone should see it. I'm in love with sparkly, rhinestone-encrusted bohemian style shoes and accessories. And earrings still.
'

And my mind is sure to go

Another summer is coming to an end. Another wasted summer. This should have definitely been one that was filled with productive undertakings. But, of course, it wasn't. I could never get it together. Partly, I didn't want to do anything. I knew I should get a job. And I feel so guilty that I never did. My dad really could have used the money. Then I got sick. It hasn't been at all what I expected. Not that I ever really had expectations, except that I needed to find a worthwhile job or internship. Had one possibility, but that didn't work out. I still need to contact them again to see if there might be any internship opportunity available for the spring. But I don't want to call...I have this thing with phones and calling people. I've been like that my whole life. It used to be really bad, where my parents would always have to call for me. I'm much better now, but still I get nervous and hesitant. What's there to be afraid of? Really! That's what I always have to remind myself...yet, there still lingers this fear that the person on the other line is judging me, even complete strangers. And you'd think that it'd be easier to use the phone for that exact reason. Anyways, so my summer was a complete bust. I don't even feel like I did anything at all. For the past month I've been sleeping most of the day, occasionally going out. Before that, the days were spent recovering from my late nights with Chris. So many people went to study abroad this summer. I wish I was one of them. I still have nothing to show for my future. No clue what I want to do. What I will do. My time is running out. There's not long left. If I want to go to law school, I've got to take the LSAT, not to mention apply to a zillion schools. But in my heart, I really don't want to do that at this point. It could possibly change. But I don't know. I've always thought of law school as the "practical" thing to do--not something I ever really WANTED to do. Then again, there's never been something that I really wanted to do. I've never had a passion for anything that could lead to a future career. I still don't. And it's unlikely I will. Don't get me wrong, I really like politics, and I know I want to do something in that field. But the question is, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO??? I am so sick of not knowing. The unknown is wearing me down, and I can't take it anymore. I'm so sick of people asking me what my major is and then "what do you want to do with that? Law school?" Just don't ask me ANYMORE!!! Please, for the sake of my sanity, JUST DON'T.

Well every single time I see you I start to feel this way

I really like the names Bradin (for a boy) and Bailey (for a girl). Camden is also kinda pretty and unique. Not that I'll be putting those to use for a very, very long time! I was going crazy today at Target with my mom...there were so many little kids there, it was ridiculous! When we were passing by the school supply section, I just had to exclaim, "Can we please get away from all these kids?!" They were running around and screaming all over the place. A nightmare for me. It's not that I don't like kids...I'll like my own and get used to it, you know. But in the meantime, no thanks. I'll leave the babysitting jobs open to others. Tried it, hated it. I just have no idea how to act around little kids. They come up to you and say things, and I'm just like, "yeah, that's great..." My sister says how in the world am I going to have my own kids one day? And I simply tell her that it'll be different then. I mean, I am only almost 22. Kids aren't a priority in my life. If I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, well maybe it'd be a good thing to like kids. But I don't and my profession will not involve children. My mom has even chimed in before and said that she wasn't a big kids person when she was my age, either. And my mom is really good with kids now. So until then, I'm not worrying about it. I'm so annoyed with myself because today when I went on facebook at one point, I checked his site, and there was some comment from some girl he knows and asked how this girl Ashley was doing. I'm hoping she was referring to his sister. But WHY SHOULD I CARE??? I DON'T HONESTLY CARE--it's that stupid part of me that won't let go. JUST GIVE IT UP. Why do I spend so much of my time thinking about someone who doesn't even like me??? I can't even distinguish whether I like him still, or if I'm still enamored by the fantasy version I concocted in my mind. I have a feeling that it's the second one. And if that's the case, then I perfectly fit the profile from the book I finished yesterday. Here's a perfect description:

"The most important quality a man must have, first and foremost, is that he is interested in us. We forget this; we hang on with hope and denial. And when that man, who is wrong for us anyway, loses interest, our egos kick in and all the weepy, bad behavior spirals into self-destruction and humiliation."

Uh, sound familiar? It's more like a quest for him to want me, instead of me really wanting him. I want him to like me again. I need him to want me. That's what it's become--this never-ending cycle of self-torture. He occupies a ridiculous amount of space in my head--and so I think-- in my heart as well. But he's just a waste of space. It's all empty--just fluff. Filling the so-called "need" for him to like me back. Which is so dumb, because I'm probably blinding myself to other really great guys who would actually treat me like the human being that I am. I'm changing my attitude. When I go out from now on, it's about having fun, not about looking for a guy. Because there have definitely been those nights where I've gone home sad because I didn't find someone. So it's all about the fun part. And hey, if I happen to meet someone, then great. I'm not referring to random hookups (the dance floor makeout guys). But someone genuine--someone who has a real possibility to be boyfriend material. I most likely won't meet this person out at a bar or club anyway, but instead somewhere where I least expect it. I'm just glad I'm a senior now...because at least the guys my age are more likely to want a relationship than freshmen (and I say that very, very lightly). Because let's face it, most college guys are in it for other reasons.

I walked away, and then I looked back at you

I got a random facebook message from Ovid today. Weird, I know. He was like, "nice pic shorty. enjoy the rest of your summer." Okay...shorty? I don't really know what was up with that, but whatever. It's a compliment, anyways. Just so out of the blue. Saturday night at Cafe Cabernet (when I was drunk out of my mind!), RJ was spinning his phone around on the table, and when it happened to land on me (you know, in reference to spin the bottle), I said something like, "sorry I've already been involved with one member of your family..." as a joke. And he was all like, "I'm not like him at all" and I didn't mean it in a bad way at all. I know he didn't take it the wrong way, but I felt really bad nonetheless. So I wrote him a message on myspace when I got back (how I managed, I'm not sure) apologizing for what I said. I felt I needed to say sorry. He wrote me back today, and all is well. He really is a nice guy. Unlike his cousin. Why couldn't Adam be more like him? Ok, there I go again. It never ends, I swear! Tonight, the cheesiest show, Laguna Beach, premieres. So dumb, but I got hooked last season. And I'm sure I'll get hooked again. The joys of watching fake, rich, "beautiful" peoples' lives. How I wish it was my life...NOT!!!!

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through

I'm feeling very vintage-y and bohemian at the moment. I've been inspired by this Anthropologie catalog I found at home. I absolutely love their home stuff. It's so pretty and vintage-looking. I have so many styles that I like, it's impossible to pick just one. I want to redo my room in this style. Of course I won't, but I'd like to. Maybe I'll save it for my next place. And somehow mix it with some of the other styles (modern, funky, etc.) that I like. This past Thursday, some incredibly inhumane person dumped two tiny black kittens in our yard. They are so precious! One's a boy and one's a girl. I don't know how a person can do such a thing. It's so cruel and horrible. I think we're going to keep them now. At first it was like, uh oh, Dad's not going to be happy and is going to say to bring them to the shelter. But he's such a softy, because when he came home that night and saw them, he said "how cute" and just fell in love with them. My brother has been taking care of them the most, letting them sleep with him in his room and he walks them around the yard (they follow him). It's so sweet. Frosty is not happy at all. He's all like, this is my house...what are you trying to do, replace me or something? Poor thing is very angry and will not go anywhere near the kittens. I don't know what is with my family and finding cats lately. It all began with me finding Chloe, and then my grandma found Baby, and now these two cats...the world must know that we love animals. That's how we got Frosty, too, 13 years ago...we found him abandoned on our van tire. It's just the summer of the cats.

Take me up, take me down, take me anywhere you want to baby now

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go out with Blake and his friends tonight. The other option of salsa dancing was tempting, but I don't really want to hang out at the place where it's at. I'd rather be around a younger crowd--people my age instead of the older crowd. Maybe some other time. I just don't feel like having 30-something year old guys hitting on me. I've got the rest of my life for that to happen, but not too much longer being able to hang out at the places I frequent. I'm just not feeling it right now. But who knows, I always could end up changing my mind...I tend to do that sometimes...

I need a lover that can give me love that will last always

I've been doing lots and lots and lots of thinking lately...when all you're doing is sleeping and lounging around all day, it's kind of hard not to do. This book I'm reading, called Be Honest, You're Not That into Him Either, is partly to blame. It's actually really good. I like reading these relationship books because it makes me feel like I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who experiences this exact same kind of crap from guys. It's funny, too. Anyways, it's made me think about what I really want in a relationship and from guys. I'm not wasting my time on guys who are only into hooking up (and by this I mean sex, not kissing, because kissing's definitely a differnt story...). I don't want casual, meaningless sex with guys who aren't going to be there the next day. Not that I've done that (well, once, with Adam, but I'll get to that in a minute). I've definitely had the urges this past week (but that's mainly due to the influence of lots of alcohol). And I realized that if I did something like that, that I'd really regret it and probably hate myself for doing it and would be swearing to myself to never do it again. Only to find myself in a similar situation sometime in the future...I don't know what's happened to me--I've had such an attitude change in the past 2 months surrounding sex, and it's really weird. I want to pretend that I don't have feelings and that I can have meaningless sex just for the fun of it, but deep down I know that I can't. I'm not sure why I would even want to, after the views I've held all my life. I guess in a way it's not bad that I've developed a different perspective, but I think I've gone a little overboard. I've become way too over-eager, trying to make up for lost time. And I think it may have something to do with the way it happened in the first place...so fast, so unexpected, so out of the blue with someone I had just met in person. I don't regret it, but I kinda wish it didn't happen that way. But if I really think about it, if it wasn't Chris, it would have been Adam. And that's even scarier, because while I thought I could just brush it off and convince myself on the surface that I didn't care, it did end up affecting me. I already had an emotional connection to Adam, and well, it didn't make it any better. I didn't get really attached like I might have had it happened sooner, but still, I gave a part of myself away. In one night of pure stupidity because all I could think about was that maybe he still likes me, maybe he still wants me. That's why it's so hard for women to "have sex like men" because we always develop some sort of attachment to the guy, no matter how much we don't want to. The book also makes a great point about what are you getting out of these hookups? Probably nothing. So what's the point? It doesn't diss the whole women can have sex with however many guys they like, because it can be ok sometimes and some people can deal with it. But it cautions you to think about what benefits you get from it. And the negatives most likely outweigh the positives. And plus, why choose the mediocre, even bad, when you can have something really great with someone you really like? Which is why I want to wait for someone special, for someone I really care about and who really cares about me. Someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, who will get to know me beforehand and doesn't mind waiting. Because the longer you wait, the more incredible it will be...I think this is the most mature entry I've ever written...Back to what I was saying earlier about Adam, he popped into my head once again this morning. And what I was thinking about would make me a complete hippocrite--I wanted to see him again and, well... So stupid, I know. The "what if" just seems so good, but that's just it--it's only a fantasy. The reality of it would completely suck. And I know that, which is why I immediately scolded myself for thinking such a thing. Idiotically, I also started wondering if I should write him and say hi and just see how he's been. NO!!!! I haven't and I won't. This is my problem--I want to hold on to something I don't--and never did--have. I'm trying to let go, I have been, but he's still go this hold on me. Actually, it's the other way around. I've still got this hold on him. And I refuse to fully let go. It's like I'm barely hanging on, but I'm hanging on nonetheless, knowing full well it's time to give up. Sometimes I just wish I could erase him from my memory. Not everything, just the bad things. The good things would probably be the best to get rid of, because that's what I'm holding onto: the promise of having that again. But I don't want to lose that, because for a time, it made me happy. Well, honestly, for a very brief time it made me happy. Looking back, I realize how much time I wasted waiting for him to call me some nights and to decide whether or not he wanted to do something. And how angry and sad and upset it made me. It was never meant to be. Because if it was, the guy would never have done anything to make me cry, and he never would have left me waiting like that. He would want to spend as much time with me as he could. And that's who I'm looking for. I'm not going to date guys just for the sake of dating, because if I do, I could miss out on someone amazing who's totally worth it. No matter how much I want someone, I'd rather be single and available to meet that person at any moment. I'm not settling for anything less.

In places no one will find all your feelings so deep inside

I love nights like this. When the moon shines so bright, it lights up the night sky. Suddenly the darkness is illuminated with light and you can see everything in the dark. When I'd get in late on nights like this when I was living at home, I remember I would usually open up my back door and gaze out into the yard, amazed at how much I could see...and how many shadows there were. I also love when the moon is so big in the sky. It just seems so surreal, because that's not how the moon is supposed to look. It's small, way up in the sky, not a giant shining object sitting low in the horizon. I also like nights like these when I spontaneously do things. That don't involve drinking. Just meeting up and hanging out with friends. Something to do other than sit at home, on the computer and watching tv. This is random, but I got a comment from RJ today on myspace. I mean, he is one of my friends, but still...I thought it was out of the blue. Not in a weird way, just an unexpected way. Like, thanks for thinking about me. Why were you thinking about me? Especially with him and his connection to Adam. It just makes me wonder...but it was nice though. I wrote him back and said I needed to hang out with everyone again...I wonder if he'll say anything back. I did take this amazingly good picture of myself last night before I went out...hahaha...because he commented on that...he should be thinking, "damn, what the hell is Adam thinking?!!" And I hope when Adam sees it on facebook, he's like, "damn, what the hell am I thinking?!!"

Close your eyes, make a wish that this could last forever

I feel slightly guilty about spending $100 highlighting my hair today...it's ridiculously expensive. But I haven't had it done in a year, and it's not like I get it done all the time. Still...why does it have to be so expensive? It turned out really good though, on the upside. Feeling much better today, as well. I've been having some really weird dreams again lately. I can't remember what i dreamt about last night, but I remember what I was going to write about yesterday but I forgot: I had a dream where I wanted to see (well, more than just see, if you get my drift) Adam again. The details are sketchy, but all I know is that I woke up being like, what the heck?! You don't want to see him again! And certainly, you don't want to you-know-what with him again...well, want is not the right word...should not want to is more like it. It's so sad, I know. Why am I so hung up on this stupid boy??? It's driving me crazy. I don't want to like him anymore. I don't like him anymore. At least I tell myself I don't. Here we go again with this...I'm just gonna stop where I'm at because it's just a waste of time. I've wasted too much of my time on him. No more. Anyways, I've been reading The Notebook (I'm actually almost finished with it). It's a little...sensual I must say. Not in a bad way though. In a good way. In the way that it makes you want that so bad...to be in love like that, to have that incredible passion...I can only hope I find someone that makes me feel that way. Not much else to say tonight.

And I don't want to fall to pieces...I just want to sit and stare at you

When I didn't feel like getting up this morning, I knew it wouldn't be a good day. And I was right. It was another day drained of energy. I slept for most of the day and have mainly been in been watching tv and reading some. I thought I was getting better. I guess I was rushing things and was pushing it. Gotta still take it easy obviously. I missed going to dinner with Meghan and Vanessa tonight because of it. I wanted to go, and hoped earlier in the day that by resting I'd feel better, but I still feel weak and too tired to go out. I haven't seen Vanessa forever and I really wanted the three of us to hang out. But we'll have to do it some other time. I want to have a little party. Not really a party, but have a few people over and drink. And get drunk. I think it would be fun. I've wanted to do something like that for a while, but never have. Maybe I will soon. Just got to get some people (and of course some boys!), and there we have it. I shouldn't be drinking probably, still being sick and all...well, recovering at least...but I hate being stuck at home all the time. I just want to have some fun. I think I'll be fine if I limit myself to once or twice a week...definitely once a week. I keep reminding myself that there'll be plenty of time for all that this fall, but still...it's summer and it sucks being sick. I hopefully will be feeling better tomorrow. I should...I think I just needed a day to rest. Saturday night probably wore me out a lot. I was thinking about something earlier that I wanted to write about, but now I can't remember...

I looked away and then I looked back at you

Today, I could have been very disappointed in myself. I was on the verge of doing something very stupid last night. Of course, my drunken self wanted to. But she doesn't know any better and was only acting on her urges with very impaired judgment. Deep down, I knew it wasn't something that I should do. That I really wanted to do. It would have been purely a one night stand. I knew it, too. But I was about to go through with it anyways. Thank goodness he got a call from his friend that had been robbed and he had to deal with that. I was disappointed, because I didn't want the night to end with him. But when he came back, the possibility remained. And when he started rubbing my shoulders...if I hadn't gone into the bathroom, I don't know what might have happened. Because when I came out, he was gone. And this time, I was like, thank you! By that point I was so tired and about to pass out anyways. I wasn't in the mood anymore. It really scares me to think that I actually might have had sex with him last night. If I'd never had sex before, I would have had no problem saying no and not taking it if he tried anything more. But now that I have...it's a little harder because part of me really wants to. I know emotionally I cannot partake in casual sex. It's not me. Maybe it could be me one day, but while it is a lot of fun, it's still something special to me. At least that's what I want it to be again. Not just with any guy. Someone who loves me, cares about me, and is there for me. Not just some random guy you dance with and makeout with one night. Hey, some girls, well a lot of girls, can do it. But I'm not like all those girls. There's nothing wrong it, either, because it's a double standard to say that girls who have sex are sluts (even though I've been guilty of saying so before). Women have every right as men to have sexual freedom. I don't want to be one of those people who have tons of partners. I mean, can you say STDs? That's something that I can't forget about, either. It's right up there with my concerns over get pregnant. Drunk sex is all about gratification in the moment...not with how it may make you feel about yourself the next day. Until recently, I used to be very conservative when it came to sex. But now that I've experienced it, my views have liberalized to an extent. But I think that's also about a part of me becoming more comfortable with my sexual side. I still had fun making out with a really hot guy last night. He works at Hollister, too...so I may end up running into him there sometime. And I'm sure I'll see him when I go out with Blake again, which I will be doing. I don't know what it is about me and hooking up with his friends. His friends are just really hot...and the best part is, they think that about me, too!

When you left I lost a part of me

You know what's really been bugging me lately? There are a few people who I've invited to go out several times this summer, yet, THEY never call me to invite me to do anything. And it's really pissing me off. It's always me calling them to see what they're doing. It kinda hurts because it feels like they don't want to hang out with me. Maybe that's the case. I'm just too busy to be a part of their lives. On the other hand, there are those people that are always there for me, and I appreciate that more than anything. But this has just been making me mad because they are friends of mine. I guess I'm just not thought of when they make their plans. But whatever. Who needs people like that? I certainly don't. It just sucks because it sometimes is such a hassle to find people to go out with, since Ania's not here. And even when she's back, she's going to go through rush and probably join a sorority, which will definitely change our relationship. She'll be busy with sorority stuff. And that's another issue I have to deal with. Do I want to go back in the fall or not? Because I apparently now have some options to stay inactive (thanks to mono--one good thing came out of it). I just can't decide. Part of me wants to. But then again, the negatives are outweighing the positives. It costs $2,000 a semester. It's so ridiculously expensive! And I don't want to have a meal plan. I have a kitchen. I like to cook my own meals because it's stuff that I like and I know exactly what's in it and how it is prepared. There's no way my dad can afford to pay for it, not with the townhouses and all. So my mom suggested taking out a loan. A LOAN?!! I don't want to take out a loan. It's not worth it. I don't have any way to pay it back, and I don't want that hanging over my head. Then there's the whole fitting in/making friends thing. I know I'd fit in a lot more now that I drink, so socials wouldn't be a problem. But one of the biggest turn offs of the chapter for me was how out of place I felt. I have so much more confidence now than I did last year, which I'm sure would help somewhat, but I'm not sure if I want to go through all that again. Last semester was so nice not having to worry about the sorority. It was a huge load off my shoulders. And I didn't miss it. It's just a major cause of stress for me. I believe I made a mistake in the first place by affiliating. AHHHHH!!! It's too hard a decision. But it's one I'm going to have to make really soon.

I told you everything, opened up and let you in

So much for that...my curiousity always gets the best of me. I can't help it. That's just the way I am. That's just the way I've always been. I suppose that if I was a cat, I'd probably be dead by now...I'm one of those people if you say "don't" to, I may restrain myself at first, but eventually I just have to know. But I know when to mind my own business. I'm just definitely nosy at times...just ask my sister. But she wouldn't give a fair answer because she's a real secretive person and doesn't want anyone to know anything. I mean ANYTHING. If I ask her something about what she may be doing or anything going on in her life, she snaps at me and is like, "it's none of your business!" Geez...I just wish she would share things that were going on in her life with me. She didn't even tell me she bought a guitar. I had to find out from my mom when she said she'd be going home later to pick up her guitar that came in. What?! When did she buy a guitar? I mean, it's weird how you can know someone your whole entire life--grow up with them in the same house, and still live with them--and how little you actually know them. People ask me a lot when I say I have a sister if we're close. I wish I didn't have to hesitate and be like, not really...It's sad because I wish we were. I wish I could tell her things. I don't know why I don't really trust her that much, and she probably doesn't trust me either. I remember when I was much younger that I didn't trust her because she would always tell my mom or someone. I especially could never, ever tell her about any guy that I had a crush on. She was the absolute last person I wanted to know about that. Mainly this was when I was in middle school. Because she was at that age where she'd tease me about liking someone. So I don't know if it still stems from that in a way. I mean, I still don't tell her right away about a guy. I'll either tell her afterwards, or days later, or she'll find out from my mom. None of us siblings are close, though. It's weird. We don't share our feelings. It's all superficial. Hmmm....

And I'm stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last

I've made this little bet with myself to go for as long as I can without looking at you-know-who's facebook profile. Everytime I'm on there, I check it. It's sad. Really sad. It's become this reflex action. I go on facebook, see if I have any messages, check my profile, check his, and so on...I AM over him. At least my mind is. But I have a feeling that my heart will never be. It'll take time--lots of it, or another guy--to erase it. And by doing the things that I keep doing--the facebook checking, for example--doesn't help me any. Sometimes I see things that I don't want to see, and then I don't feel so great. But it's my own fault. I don't want to think about him anymore. I want to be COMPLETELY over him. I thought I was. Or at least I led myself to believe I was. Or maybe I was just lying to myself. Whatever the case, I shouldn't be wasting any time on him at all. Because I know that he'll never feel the same way, and I'm just not on his mind, ever. And that's ok, because I DON'T NEED HIM. I saw that he might be in town this week. And I was actually about to alter my plans and do whatever I could to possibly run into him last night--that's why I wanted to go to AJ's instead of where I went. But then I realized, why the hell should I do that? Why see him? It won't make you feel any better. It'll only make it worse, because you know nothing would happen. At the worst, I'd succumb to seeing him and doing something really stupid--again. And I don't want to take that risk. There are SO MANY guys out there who are better than him. That are a MILLION times better for me than he will EVER BE. And I know this. I do. I really do. But why can't I get him out of my head? I don't think about him as much as I used to, so I guess that means he's fading somewhat. But he was special to me, and I really, really liked him. That's why it's not easy. It never has been easy to get over those guys. But I've done it in the past, and I'll do it again. I just wish I wasn't practicing this obsessive-type behavior. I'm not obsessed. I just don't want to let go. But yes, I do.

When you come back I won't be here

Hurricane Dennis is nearing the coast...poor Pensacola residents. It hasn't even been a year since Ivan hit. Many are still rebuilding, or finally just being able to move back into their homes and businesses. And here comes another one. We've got a couple of evacuees staying at my house, aka my gramme and aunt. Went home for dinner to visit with them. I was feeling really good this morning, pretty much like normal. So I was a lot more active. It probably wasn't such a great idea, because I ended up wearing myself out by the afternoon and felt so tired. I'm still tired now, but I ended up feeling a little better. I really hope the power doesn't go out. But it most likely will. Because it always does. The littlest breeze knocks it out. And it's no fun. So I might be back at home tomorrow.

I don't know where you're going and I don't know why

So after all that drama last night, he calls me. AGAIN. This time he was sober, and he apologized for calling me last night like that. He said he was belligerant (he loves that word--is always using it). He didn't mean to upset me. Get this: he asked me how my love life was! Excuse me, but it's none of your business! I asked him why he wanted to know; he said he just did. So I said it wasn't, meaning I wasn't dating anyone. He was probably thrilled to hear that. I should have lied to him and said I was dating someone. Well, I actually could have told a little fib by saying that there was a guy I was interested in (Joe!). But I'm not clever enough to think of those kind of things at the opportune moment. It's a gift to those who can. I'm witty, but only on certain occassions. But overall the conversation was very polite and cordial. I told him I appreciated him calling and apologizing. Which is true, because I didn't think that he would. I wondered if he would call me when he wasn't drunk, and he did, but it was only to apologize. That's fine. I'm glad he didn't go all "I miss you I want to see you" on me again, because I didn't want to have to hurt him. And be put in that situation again. He says it won't happen again (the belligerent drunk phone calls). We'll see if that holds, only time will tell. I just can't believe that he told me again that he hoped I didn't do anything stupid. Umm, sorry, but so what if I had done some crazy stuff? I have every right to. And it shouldn't be any concern of him. Except that I bet he would be insanely jealous--that's probably why he said that. I can do whatever I want with whomever I want, and no guy--especially him--can tell me what to do. It's so egotistical for him to even think that--like he was THAT important to me. Yeah, I liked you, but no, I would never KILL MYSELF over you (nor any guy, EVER--there's always someone else out there, especially since I'm really young). And if the breakup somehow caused me to go a little wild, so be it. I'm no longer obligated to him. He broke that agreement, which is why I'm in this situation in the first place. "It just took him a while to realize it." Whatever. A phone call over a month would've been nice. I think I honestly miss the idea of him more than Chris himself. Maybe I was settling afterall without realizing it. I liked so much having someone there for me that I wasn't really listening to my heart. I don't want to settle. I should never settle. I want to feel the same way about him as he feels about me. And it was lop-sided in this case. Him being the one who had greater feelings for me. And I was the one who was confused and unsure. But it's all over now and I'm not going back to him. I resisted him this time--which I'm very proud of--and I will not give in if it happens again in the future. I'm absolutely exhausted. I wore myself out big-time today.

Or one more lie could be the worst

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS???? AND WHAT THE HELL DID HE EXPECT???? I CANNOT BELIEVE HE CALLED ME---AT 2AM---TWICE. First, I wake up at 2:10am to my phone ringing...and see that it's him calling. HIM. AND HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN??? I don't answer. For one thing, I don't feel like talking. At 2 am. TO HIM especially. He leaves a message saying it's hey, that's it's him, hopes I feel better...long pause...sorry to hear it, unsure voice, says bye. My reaction: literally NOTHING BUT SHOCK. And not much else...not long lost feelings washing up or surfacing. I just wondered why? Then I get another call. I decide to answer it, but not until after it rings a while. And what does he flat out say to me? DID YOU FUCKING CALL ME A LITTLE WHILE AGO???? NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT TO ME. He does not wake me up at 2 o clock in the morning and say that--THAT WAY--to me. I immediately take offense and tell him no, and he's like, are you sure, and I say yeah I am and, and he's like, and what, and I say and nothing...He asks why I sound so depressed and I said I don't that it's 2 am in the morning and I'm sick and have been asleep for a couple hours (how am I supposed to sound???). I say don't call me and start accusing me of this...he gets mad and is like accusing you of what, I repeated what he said to me, and he's like yeah did you fucking call me, I asked if he was drunk and he said he had been drinking a little (ha--more like way too much). I forget what else was said and that was it. I WAS ON THE BRINK OF TEARS. No, he did not just call me, after all this time, and say that to me. Or so I thought. At 2:30 I get another phone call from him (oh, he said he missed me again in the last call) saying that he's sorry, I'm like sorry for what, he says for hurting me, that he really misses me and wants to see me, blah blah blah. Just a bunch of crap. Some things were said, don't remember what. Goodbye. Then he calls back while I'm now fully wired and pissed off. Just got off the phone with Kathryn. It was good to vent to another person--and by random chance she turned her phone on to get my message! Thanks for listening! The details are seriously getting fuzzy on me at the moment...maybe because it's so late and I need to get back to sleep. Everything will be clear in the morning and I'll write all about it. Because boy do I have some things to say!!

I get a notion by the look in your eyes

I had THE weirdest dream this morning (yes, this morning...I got up and went back to bed...I'm still sick you know) involving Adam. Weird. Creepy weird. I was hanging out at his place, where he had like 10 roommates, and they were pretty much all girls. I was on my way out of town??? And he wouldn't really pay very much attention to me. I think I kept trying to get his attention and didn't want to leave...I can pretty much interpret this dream. I haven't been thinking about it today, but for some reason, I remember an awful lot about it. Most dreams I forget the instant I wake up and by the end of the day I'm like, "what did I dream about? I know it was something really strange." So I'll try giving what I think it meant, even though I rarely even try to figure out what my dreams mean. It's too complicated. And you're supposed to write down your dream the minute you wake up so you have all the details. Yeah right. Pick up a pencil first thing and write...not happening. Well, I think the whole not paying attention to me needs no interpreting, really, because that's pretty much what reality is like. And I obviously want his attention (or wanted, but deep down...I can say I've moved on as much as I want, but does anyone ever really get over someone they really had feelings for?), but my efforts, no matter how hard I try, are pointless. And that's definitely true for the real world. I can wish and wish and wish, and try and try and try, but as long as he still feels what he says he feels, which is nothing, then there's nothing that I can do to change his mind. As for the whole weird house he lived in, I have no clue. For the tons of people who kept coming and going (and the 10 roommates?!), I think it may have been trying to express the fact that I feel like I'm just another girl in his life, no one special to him, which is why he treated me as he did. And I do remember feeling a little threatened by the female roommates in the dream...probably stands for my not wanting him to be with anyone else, that I can't stand the thought of him with another girl. It's the fact that he doesn't want you, but you want him. I don't think that I've wanted to see any of the guys that I've liked in the past with another girl. Who does? Especially when it didn't work out, but YOU wanted it to. I don't really know the meaning of the dream, and obviously never will. And who knows if I'm even close to what my subconscious mind was trying to tell me. But I gave it a shot, and it was interesting analyzing my thoughts. Not that I don't ever do that; I actually overanalyze WAY too much. Maybe I'll check out a book about dreams from the library. Or maybe not.

One last kiss could be the best thing

Chloe is sitting on the floor looking up at me and staring, begging me to play with her. She's so hard to resist...but I really don't feel like playing. She's a crazy little kitty cat, she really is. But so sweet. I don't know how anyone could have ever abandoned her. I've got Troy on the tv right now. It's on HBO. I've never seen it before, and there's nothing else on, so I figure, why not at least have it on as background noise? I'm feeling so much better right now than I have in the past week and a half. Just a little tired, but the nausea has subsided (at least for now, and hopefully for good). I had an accupuncture treatment this evening, which is supposed to help boost my immune system so my body will be rid of the disease quicker. Hey, why not try it, since there's nothing conventional medicine can do for me. It doesn't hurt--it's a little strange-feeling, but not painful. I've had it done before, so it wasn't my first time. I want so badly to workout. To do something active and physical. To get my heart pumping. I'm going nuts not being able to do so. I got the lube kit for my treadmill in the mail this past weekend, but I haven't tried it out on my machine yet to see if that'll fix it. I really hoping that it does, because I don't want to have to buy a new belt, and I want my treadmill back! Last night was the first night I didn't watch any fireworks on the 4th of July. I wasn't feeling well, and my plan for finding a boy to kiss under the fireworks had to be abandoned. So much for a good 4th. Maybe next year. I really want to have a big outdoor picnic-type party one year, with a bunch of people. I think that'd be fun. She's just looking at me with those eyes, and that face....awww!!! Too cute for words. I missed out Saturday night at Cafe Cabernet. Well, I missed it in the sense that I wished I'd seen everyone, because no one went. But I was asleep, so it was better that we didn't do it this week. Maybe next week it'll be on again. I want to see Joe!!! Haha...what cute boys will do to you...But I don't know, I read on Adam's facebook wall (no, I'm not a psycho...I check out other peoples' pages, too...but his more than others I guess!!! lol) that RJ is gonna be out of town this weekend (he was asking when Adam was going to come back up here to visit). Hmm...not sure I want to know that information. He sure is hell ain't getting anything from me whenever he does come back up!!! Ania's coming home soon. She'll be back on the 10th of July, but I'm confused to as whether she meant home as in Orlando, or here in Tallahassee. Because I know she's coming back to town early, but it sounds like the 10th she'll be back here. That'll give us a long time before school starts to have lots of fun...if I can recover fast. And not get sick again. That's why I'm still taking it easy, no matter how much I want to just go for a run (although, mentally I want to, physically, I'm way too worn out). I feel like I'm just babbling on about nothing really, so I'm going to go.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile

Guess who I heard from today--Adam! I'm serious!!! Yesterday I had sent him a message informing him that I had mono, so he could be on the lookout. I didn't expect to hear back--especially from him. I was even going to a one point write in here about how these 2 guys that I was involved with wouldn't even wish me well, showing what jerks I dated. But this evening when I checked facebook, there it was: a reply message from Adam. I was literally shocked. Here's what he wrote:
Hey, that really stinks that you have mono! I have never had it before. You must have been makin' out with some other boy :0 I hope you feel better and have a good 4th. Talk to you later. adam
That was really nice of him to write back. It really cheered me up and made me feel good. I know there's no future for us, but just the fact that he did that really impressed me. So now he's slightly less of a jerk. And his nice side showed for once--a side I haven't seen of him in a very long time. I highly doubt that I will hear back from Chris. Whatever. He's the bigger jerk out of them both. So I've felt a little better today--at least, better than yesterday. But I've been in bed all day watching tv and sleeping pretty much. I went home for dinner. I'm feeling ok at the moment, except for feeling nauseus (sp?). It's so weird...I don't know what's causing it. Is is the mono? Or it could be my birth control pills. However, I've been on those for over a month now, and I don't know why it would suddenly start making me feel sick. I'm starting to feel depressed. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, I've been sad and upset, but that was over boys, and it was totally different. I'm not feeling too great about myself--mainly about my body. I feel so blah and gross and inactive and out of shape. I'm so used to working out all the time, and ever since I came down with mono (before I knew what I had), my workouts had declined. So I began to feel this way a couple of weeks ago. I want to run so bad. But I can't because I might rupture my spleen. Plus, I don't exactly have the energy. My body image isn't so hot right now. I really hope I get over this soon, because I really want to get back to my normal level of fitness and feel good about myself.