Put on your bright lights, we're in the city of wonder

I don't know where my motivation has gone. I've definitely lost it. And I desperately want--no need--it back. It's become easier to just do nothing rather than something. But I want to do something. And I try, but I end up doing nothing. So is the pattern day after day. It's really terrible at night when I come home. I go to work, go to the gym, then home. I have intentions of being productive, but I never seem to get around to actually accomplishing anything. Cooking takes up at least a half hour--and you can't even really call it "cooking." More like preparing dinner. But nevertheless, it's past 8 o'clock before I know it. And not to mention my cat Chloe. I love her to death, but she wants ALL of my attention when I get home. I can't blame her; she's home all day by herself, bored. But it definitely makes it difficult to do other things when she's constantly crying and begging for me to play with her. And before I know it again, it's time for bed. Repeat sequence the following day.

I'm stuck in a rut that I just can't seem to find my way out of. Yet.

Only doing it for the money

I will get paid. I will get paid. I will get paid.

That's the only reason that will keep me from blowing up about having to work on Saturday morning. I wouldn't even call it work. I'd call it a huge waste of my time, as I will be standing around doing nothing for 4 hours. When I could be sleeping. On my day off. It'd be different if I didn't already work 8-5:30 every Monday through Friday. But to have to get up that early on my Saturday? It really pisses me off.

I know, I sound like a spoiled brat. I should be very grateful I even have a job right now. A decent job (well, don't let me go there...) with decent benefits. Even though I am bored out of my mind and completely miserable every second I am in this office. But really, it's ok.

No, it's not ok. I feel so lost and so confused. I don't have any direction to go in. I don't know what else I'd want to do, where I want to go career-wise with my life. I've become very lazy and complacent--yet craving change. But it also scares me--the thought of finding a new job, starting a new routine. But I do need more excitement in my life. I am so incredibly bored.

Wanna make you my baby, gotta make you my baby

I just can't figure myself out with this guy! One minute I like him, or I think I like him, the next, I'm not so sure. Every sign says that I should like him--he's pretty much everything I've been looking for: cute, has a job/career, done with school, my age...But I just don't know! It's been over a month now that we've been dating (broke that record!), and I still feel like something is missing on my end. And I'm not exactly sure what it is or why I feel like this. It's driving me crazy because I really want to like him, to feel like he feels about me. Maybe that's part of the problem--he's still way more into me than I am. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I think it freaks me out a little bit. For one thing, I'm not used to it. I keep thinking that I'm feeling so uncertain because subconsciously I'm scared--especially scared that I'm going to get hurt again. Which is strange because this guy seems to have no intention of doing something that would hurt me and has indicated that he won't be going anywhere any time soon. And isn't that what I've always wanted? I think I find myself disappointed, that maybe I set my expectations a little too high and now that I finally have what I've been looking for...I'm like, "this is it?" I think what's lacking a bit for me is my attraction to him. I normally am the one who falls head over heels, who feels extremely attracted to the person. But this time, not so much. I mean, I find myself really hesitant to kiss him, and well, just kind of not wanting to! I think part of that has to do with me not being sure of my feelings for him, so I feel awkward and weird about it. I don't want to give up yet. Well, I kind of have, but I know I shouldn't. Yeah, I don't feel like I have before. But those times before never worked. So I guess I am finally "taking it slow." Really slow. Just trying to develop some feelings for the guy--that's what dating is all about. And if my feelings don't end up changing, then well, that's dating! But I really hope something within me changes soon, because sometimes I feel like I'm pretending and being forced into saying or indicating I feel a certain way when I don't all because I don't want to ruin things or hurt him. Not so smart, I know. I just wish I could honestly say I liked him without any reservations. But not yet.

If you just realized what I just realized

The tables have been turned, and now I am on the other side. I kind of can see where they all were coming from...well, just a little bit. I'm doing everything that I hate that guys have done to me. But I can't help it. I don't like the guy, and I don't know what to do! I go on one date with him, and now he's in love with me. Turns out, he was in love with me before I went out with him. I was like a dream come true to him. And for me, not so much. There was no spark, and he is so not what I want. There's a lot of me in him--the stuff about me that I don't like and want to change. Plus, when a guy begins a question with "this is something that is very important to me" and you say no to that question (do you go to church, in this case)--a big resounding no for him and for me (I don't want to be with someone like that)--it's just not going to work out. And I thought that he got the hint when I ignored him. Not answering his texts. Not saying hi when he was at the gym at the same time. But no, this guy is clueless! I did end up apologizing for acting so weird when he said he still wanted to be friends (because I was assuming he had gotten the picture) and said friends was ok. But, he apparently misunderstood me. Big time. Because he's still trying to see me! Or actually, "trying to get next to me." Saying I wanted to be friends, which is supposed to be the biggest blow when it comes to relationships, was a mistake. I'm going to have to tell him the truth at some point. That when I said I wanted to be friends, well, that I meant I didn't actually want to be friends--more like I'll be nice to you and say hi to you and maybe, maybe, make small talk with you--but nothing more. No hanging out. I guess he still thinks he has a chance, and I guess that's my fault. It's not like I haven't made things incredibly awkward enough at the gym, where I see his friends more than him, who are staring at me the whole time and who knows what he's said about me. Yeah. Makes for an interesting time everyday. And today? Well, this could possibly be the worst of them all. I know he's going to be there today. He told me. And he's going to come talk to me. And he's probably going to be waiting for me (if not at the door!) for me to walk in. What did I get myself into...and why can't he be someone different that I actually liked??

And there are hearts all over the world tonight

I guess I'm doing a lot better now. Maybe not today. But it's not because of him. Just in a bad mood because my computer at home is fucked up and now I have to deal with that when I get home and I don't want to lose everything I have on there and I'm just overall irritated with everyone and everything!! So I went out Friday night, ended up in a completely awkward situation that I will not mention because I want to forget it. I ended up pretty much feeling better by the middle of the day. I sent him a message because I didn't want to leave things looking like I was some psycho girl, and to just get in what I was feeling. He responded yesterday, saying thanks and that he agreed with what I said. So that's it with him. I still get a little sad when I think about it and the time we spent together, but I'm pretty much over it now and realize how it would have never worked out. For one thing, I can't afford to date him. I've spent way too much money on my two trips to Atlanta. Way too much. Anyways...also went out Saturday night. And went home with Micah...I've come to realize that I don't like him anymore. I definitely don't have the same feelings I did 2 years ago. All I wanted to do was hook up! Haha. I needed it...ok, I'm just blabbing on about nothing now. Going to try and calm down and not end up freaking out at any other point in the day...

I'll get over you

I'm not going to do this to myself. I'm not going to bash myself and try to figure out what I did wrong. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong. It's his problem if he doesn't want to be with an incredible girl. It's ALL their problem. They don't realize how lucky they are, because I make one hell of a girlfriend, lover, friend, etc. And when I come across a guy who realizes how truly fucking wonderful I am, he will be the LUCKIEST GUY in the world. I started making a list of the reasons why he's not the guy for me. I may post it at some point. There's not a lot on there so far, and it may seem a little superficial, but it's not easy to do, because I can fill it up with a lot more of what I liked about him. But I can turn those things into something positive--more reasons for me to not settle on someone who doesn't make me feel the way he did. And there's a guy that will make me feel EVEN MORE AMAZING. But he may have to suffer a little bit for a while. Because I'm playing hard to get from now on. Not acting so eager, like I need their attention. Nope, they have to earn my trust, my time, my love. I need to do something different. I'm not going to lie, it won't be easy. But jumping head first (which is what I always do), has only ended up with just giving me one huge headache in my heart. So, to protect myself, and to see what their intentions are, I've got to hold back. Make THEM want ME. So, the next time I come to this point, they'll decide to choose to continue on with me. And not leave me for once.

Why can't it be like the first week?

Well, I don't know if it's a good or bad thing, but my instincts were dead-on. He dumped me last night. That's why he didn't text me back yesterday. And that's probably why he didn't call me back on Wednesday, because he wasn't ready to face me yet. But he told me last night. He was straight to the point, barely any chit-chat beforehand. He just went ahead and ripped out my heart from my chest. Immediately when he said that he had to be "upfront" with me or some crap like that, I knew. I'd known all along, but now he was going to tell me everything that I didn't want to hear. And that's exactly what he did. And now I feel like the biggest idiot. He said he didn't know where things might be headed, but he didn't want to pursue anything more with me. Said it was hard for him to do this. Told me I was a great girl and he's had fun with me. But that's never enough, is it? What he actually said is pretty much a blur in my mind. I know he could tell that I was upset, that I was starting to cry. I didn't have anything to say to him--I didn't know what to say. I said thanks for being honest, and that's about it. Then we hung up. Mom told me I should text him and tell him that I thought he was different, that he should have told me before I came up this past weekend, because now I just feel stupid. I sent him that. And he had to respond with some more crap like, I shouldn't feel stupid because he had fun last weekend, it's just that he realized we're two very different people. Biggest bunch of fucking bullshit. I wish I hadn't gone up there again. It would have still hurt if he told me before, but not as much as it does now. And what is this bullshit about being very different? Just fucking tell me you don't want to be in a relationship. Don't go and say shit like that to try and justify it. I just can't believe that it happened ONCE AGAIN. If I'm so fucking great as they all tell me, then why the hell don't they want to stay with me? Why can't I get past this point? Why doesn't anyone ever want to be with me? I just don't understand it. I feel soooooo STUPID for thinking it could actually be different this time. IT WILL NEVER BE DIFFERENT.

He's the reason for the teardrops...

So....he called me. While I was at the gym, so I missed his called. But it was a huge relief to see that '1 missed call' from him. Well, sort of. I called him back. No answer. And he never called me back the rest of the night. I guess we're playing phone tag?? Or, I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my phone?? I sent him a text this morning: "Just wanted to say hi. Hope you have a great day :)". No response. I hope that doesn't mean anything. Maybe he didn't get it. I don't know, but it's not making me feel any better. I was hoping at least for a "you too" response or something. But, no. I got nothing. Maybe that's what he was calling about last night. To say he didn't want to see me again, and that's why he didn't answer my text. Maybe this, maybe that...I've got to stop doing this to myself! If he calls me tonight, it'll probably be when I'm at the gym again, so I'll have to call him back. And maybe this time he'll actually answer and we can talk and I can find out if he still likes me and wants to see me. Because I'm just dying over here.

Why wouldn't he want to see me again? How could he not? He'd be completely crazy not to want to. I am a very pretty, smart, fun girl. He's probably just really busy with work and hasn't had a chance to call me or it's been too late to do so. And if he reallydoesn't want to see or talk to me anymore, that's his huge fucking loss.

...at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself...

The only one who's got enough for me to break my heart

He didn't call me last night, either. And I'm not doing too well with that. I am freaking myself out, when I probably shouldn't be. But I just can't help it. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. My head just keeps telling me that it's over--an accumulation of all my past experiences rushing back to me and saying that this is the way it always is. I'm crying. I'm sad. I'm really depressed. I can't help but think about him. And how he probably doesn't want to talk to or see me anymore. Yeah, it does seem very dumb, that I'm reacting this way because it's only been 2 days since I last talked to him. But last time, he called me to make sure I got home safe. And he's never not returned one of my calls. And that scares me, because I think it's a sign. A sign that it's once again over, that once again another guy doesn't want to be with me. It hurts even more because I really like him. I've never spent weekends with someone before. 48 hours straight with a guy, and we got along really well. We were all over each other when we wanted to be. I felt wanted. I felt liked. I felt like his girlfriend. But, that's never going to happen. I'm just dreading this evening, knowing in my heart that he's not going to call me. Because they never do.

I want to say how I feel but what if I say too much?

I had another AMAZING weekend with him. And that's why I find myself so sad. Because I had to leave. To go back to my life in another city, 300 miles away. And I don't know when the next time I'll get to see him again. Hopefully, it'll be in a few weeks. That is, if he even wants me to come visit him anymore. I feel like he does. I think. Actually, I have no clue. And this scares me to death! We've reached that point where it ALWAYS ends for me. Today, it's been one month (only?!) since we met. This usually seems to be the threshold that I just cannot break through. EVER. We spend some really great time together, and then boom, the guy thinks it's getting too serious and he bails. It's the story of my life; the song that's continuously playing on repeat. And what makes me so uncertain this time is one major factor: we don't live in the same place. That's the number one factor working against us. I don't think him not calling me back last night is a bad sign (well, part of me is starting to freak a little). And it means that I have to wait for him to call me back. Which better be tonight. I had a story I wanted to tell him about that happened on my trip home (got a speeding ticket--boo). Plus, I wanted to know how he felt about this weekend. If he had fun. If he wants to see me again. I'm just so scared. I can't take starting from complete scratch again. I really can't. It'll just be too much, because I'm already falling for him. I've felt like so far he's going to be there to catch me. But then again, I can't help but think he's going to drop me, and boy will it hurt. I'm trying not to let myself overreact. But it's just so hard! I like him so much more now after spending this weekend with him. I just don't want him to turn out like all of the others. I'm sick of being the girl that nobody wants as their girlfriend.

Baby I can take you there

So, as always, I start to worry myself over nothing. I talked to him the other night, and asked him if it was still ok for me to come visit next weekend, and he said it was 'more than ok.' And he likes talking to me. Even if we're both not really phone talkers and it is slightly awkward because we don't always know what to talk about. That does concern me a little, but as long as he still wants to see me, it'll do for now. We can work on that. One week more to go...

If you only knew all the things that float through my mind

Guess what...I'm starting to do it again. And no, it's a very bad thing. I'm letting my insecurity creep up and start to freak me out, putting doubts and pointless worries into my head. Why do I always do this? Oh, could it be the fact that I never feel secure about my standing with a guy at this point? That I always feel like it's going to end? I overanalyze things way too much. When there's nothing even to analyze because there's absolutely no reason to!! He hasn't given me a reason to think he doesn't want to see me again. And he's proving that he does, by calling me and already setting a weekend aside for me to come back up. That's the farthest into the future I've ever been able to look into with a guy--over 2 weeks! I think I'm also so scared that he's going to cancel on me and say I won't be able to come visit then. Ok, I'm completely freaked out about that possibility. Because if that happens, then it's probably over. It'd be his way of saying that it's not going to work out, that I don't want to see you again. But, this is all make-believe that I've conjured up in my crazy mind because I just can't accept the fact that he may actually like me. I mean, I know he does like me, because otherwise we wouldn't have gone on a date and I wouldn't have visited for New Year's. But I'm talking about him liking me and sticking around. Which is something I know nothing about, and it scares me to death, as well as completely excites me. It's my insecurity and jealousy, though, that will be the end to it if I keep letting it slowly take over. I can't do that to myself. I don't need to. I need to remember how amazing I am and how incredibly lucky this guy is to even have ME wanting to see him! I mean, he's the one who should be worried, that some other guy may come along and sweep me off my feet. That's how I can't act--desperate. I'm not trying to play games. But I can't start acting like I'm his girlfriend yet, because I'm not. That will definitely send him running. I just have to keep reminding myself to take things slow, not to read too much into things. I've got 11 days to go. God, please let those days pass by fast!!

He's all that I need to fall into

12 days. That's how long until I have until I get to see him again. And it's going to be the longest 2 weeks ever! So far, we've talked almost everyday--and he's the one who's been calling me. Which is a HUGE change for once. Normally, it's always me calling the guy. And never getting a call back! But not with him. The only thing is, I'm not much of a phone talker, so I feel like there's a lot of dead air. I try, and I've mentioned how I'm not big into talking on the phone before, so hopefully he doesn't think much of it. I may reiterate it again the next time I talk to him. Because I don't want him to think I don't want to talk to him or that I'm boring. Oh, how I miss him though! I'm not sure how this is going to work. I definitely want to give it a try, because I think it's more than worth it. He's a really great guy and he has all the qualities that I've been looking for. It just so happens, unfortunately, that we live in different cities. But as long as he's willing to put effort into it, I am, too. It's going to be very, very hard, though. Not being able to see someone very much. But, the good thing is, this forces me to slow down, knowing that I can't see him everyday. Because otherwise, I would be wanting to spend every minute with him, and that's where I get in trouble and the guy starts to pull away. I'm just hoping things can finally last for a little while for once in my life. So far, things are going well. But that still doesn't mean I'm scared to death...