I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm having the hardest time adjusting to life in the real world, and no longer being a college student. I need to make new friends. People my age, in my situation. Meaning, early-mid 20s, and working, and NOT in school. Because, basically I'm as lonely as can be. My own best friend forgot my birthday, and I ended up having the worst night of my life, staying at home, crying because I was so upset that nobody cared. I still feel like no one cares. I'm sick of doing nothing but working everyday. I hate it. I wake up, go to work for 9 1/2 freaking hours, come home, workout, then, after spending all day on the damn computer, I get back on it at home. I don't go anywhere. Some of the time it's because I don't want to. But most of the time, it's because I have no one to do anything with. I don't know what happened. I was doing so well, and now, I feel like I've taken 20 steps backward. And I don't know how to move forward again.

This is not right

I just came across one of the most disturbing things I've seen in a long time. I've become obsessed with quote/icon/survey sites on xanga since I've been working, spending countless numbers of hours on the computer goofing off. Anyways, I was looking at who's been visiting my site, and clicked on one of the most recent hits. Well, it took me to this site of some girl who was obsessed with losing weight and being thin. And I mean obsessed. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was this log of how it says how much she ate, how much she's going to work out, how many calories her goal of not eating that day was, etc., along with pictures of thin young actresses and models. And all the groups she belongs to are "anorexic teens," "i don't eat," etc., and along those lines. Her goal recently was to be down to 90lbs by the weekend. And I thought I was scaring myself with how I've been lately...I just can't believe there are sites like this. I was too disturbed to read the comments she got and look through her subscriber sites. It's just so incredibly sad. And the scariest thing is it looks like there are a lot more of her type out there, displaying for the world how they're starving themselves. Are these sites a joke? Are these girls crying out for help? I don't know, but it's disturbing to say the least.

I sometimes feel like it’s hard to distinguish between my dreams and reality. They can just seem so real at times, and the next morning I have to tell myself that it was a dream and didn’t really happen, even when if feels like it really did…

I wrote this last night...

So, I read this article today in Time magazine while waiting at the dentist today (I was in pain from having my wisdom tooth out--just one, and it was pretty much unbearable) about how teenage boys are not only about sex as everyone believes and have feelings and want to fall in love, etc. just as much as girls. Ok, so I guess it sounds somewhat credible, if only applied to teens. I could be wrong, because it seems like it's been so long since high school and being a teenager (at least 4 years!). But then I got to thinking about guys in college, and how everything in that article could not apply to the majority of guys. College guys want one thing, and one thing only: and it's NOT a relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to every rule, and of course not every guy is like this. But there seems to be a trend among the guys I meet and hang out with that seems pretty typical of the college scene--and I'm going on 5 years. Maybe I just have bad luck. Or bad timing. But the guys that I come across either just want a hookup, or have just broken up with serious girlfriends and want to be single. Or they just want "to have fun." Hey, I'm all about having fun, too. To a point. I've had my fun. Lots of it. Along with lots of nights spent crying over stupid guys who never deserved my tears. And it gets old. Really, really, really old. I'm at a point where I just feel like giving up. Like I'm never going to find anyone. Believe me, I'm not looking for marraige--far from it. All I want is for someone to simply give me a chance. To get to know them, and for them to get to know me. I don't ask for a lot, and I never have. I just want someone who cares, who is crazy about me, or at least so excited to have met me that they want to keep getting to know me. None of this making-out drunk and going home together (not that anything necessarily happens). Yeah, it's fun. For that night. And then comes the "what if?" excitement from meeting someone new, the possibility that it brings. And then reality hits--he never calls, or you do end up seeing him out and he's not interested anymore. Been there, done that. Countless number of times. And I'm done with it. Done. It's simply not satisfying. I deserve more than to let myself be used. I know I always say that I never will again after every guy, and I promise myself I won't fall for it again...it's hard to learn. It's hard to not give in to that feeling, that want, that maybe. But just maybe I can do it this time. And maybe I just will. Or, maybe I won't even have to.

I sit alone, in a dark theater

It's weird. I've been really weird lately. Just how I'm feeling. Which I can't really describe. Or explain. It's not like any significant event has happened that would have made me feel sad or incredibly happy. Not that I am either. I'm neither. But I'm not content. I'm not depressed. I just kinda....am. Just moving along, day by day. Nothing really exciting happening. I mean, everything is going fine. Maybe that's the problem. Everything is just fine. I mean, I did let myself get used again, by ANOTHER guy. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But I'm done with all that crap. I know what I want, and I'm not going to settle until I get it. If that means I have to use some self-control (maybe a lot of it), well, I'll try my best. It's not worth it anymore. I don't like feeling like this. Like how? I don't even know. It's just the strangest feeling. A feeling of whatever. Like I care, but then again, I really don't. I feel like I'm just here. Nowhere special. Just around, just existing for the sake of existing. That's a way to live. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. And so is Halloween. Both things to look forward to. If I don't get extremely stressed or upset about them beforehand. I just want to have some feeling. I don't want to cry, but I don't particularly feel like smiling. Maybe it's just a funk I'm going through right now. Hopefully it'll end soon...