All I wanna do is have some fun, I gotta feeling, I'm not the only one...

I'm dreading, but at the same time, looking forward to the next few days. Dreading because they're such long days. I don't get home until 8pm after being gone since 9am. But optimistic because I have a social tomorrow night! And it's been changed to a pirate theme. Mom went out and got me a bunch of stuff that I can wear, after I unsuccessfully checked a few stores last night. I'm gonna be the best dressed pirate there! (But of course, I gotta look hot/sexy...not just like any old pirate!) Oh, and another dread: Thursday. The day after the social. And it's a lonnnng day, too. I will most likely be hungover. But ya gotta do what ya gotta do...I suppose I could ask to come in on Friday instead of Thursday, but I don't wanna go in on Friday really...I'll just suck it up and deal with it. Maybe I'll go in a little later. We'll see. I think I'm coming to dread the weekends. Making plans. Actually, the lack of making plans. I hate not knowing what I'm going to do. I need at least an idea. But don't go bailing on me though. It looks like I'll have something for Friday. But what about Saturday? It'll be the 3rd Saturday I've tried to go out, but have been unsuccessful. I just want one good weekend where when someone asks me on Monday, "how was your weekend?" I can answer with a GREAT! instead of an "eh, it was ok." That's seriously my dream right now. Ok, maybe not my dream, but it's what I would like. And don't I deserve it? After how people have been treating me lately? I DO DESERVE to have some fun! Some pure, drama-free fun. And I'm not talking about the sober kind. I just don't want to be sitting at home on Saturday night at 11 'o clock waiting for someone to call me back. Or having to call a million people to see what they're doing without me Saturday evening until 11 'o clock. Because it really sucks. And it hurts, because you feel like no one ever wants to be around you or doing anything with you. I mean, isn't that why they don't call? Because they don't remember me or think of me??? ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO OUT AND HAVE SOME FUN!!! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK????

I'm looking for attention, not another question...

What the heck does 80s beachwear look like? And where in the world am I going to find something to wear by Wednesday's social? It's a Miami Vice theme...I am going to be dancing in a Greek dance competition (no, not the country or style of dancing--I'm referring to sorority/fraternity stuff). Have not perfomed in 3 years. Let's just say dancing in front of a crowd is scaring me just a little right now...But I did think it was very nice of them to think I should do it, so I said I would. And...I NEED A DATE FOR MY DATE FUNCTION IN 3 WEEKS!!! That's gonna be the biggest stressor in my life. Look's like mom is going to have to help me find someone to go with once again, since I'm a loser and don't have any guy friends really. I'm NOT going to go with Martin. Just had to get that out there. Preferably, I want to go with someone I could end up making out with later that night, lol. Which means very cute. Not that I would go with someone who wasn't at least cute. So I may end up going with my brother's lacrosse coach, or one of his friends. He's not bad, but just not...for me, you know. But I can't be choosy at a time like this, now can I? Not when I'm desperate for a date. When am I ever not desperate for a date??? So my first and last date functions will be with dates set up by mom. Well, I guess I can look at it in that I have a nice mom who will help me. But then again, who has their mom help them find a date? No one but losers, like me. Since Ania and I are not speaking, she's no longer there to help me find one (i.e., go with one of her friends). It's not that I can't get a date, it's that I don't know anyone to even ask. I'm going through a huge drought right now with guys. I'm sad to say it's been since my birthday (October) that I've even kissed a guy. And if you look at where I was coming from since last Spring, well, then it's definitely time for a flood! But you know, it's hard to meet guys when you don't go out (and that's not by choice, but by force because I have NO friends to go out with anymore...not that I ever did. I had one. Now she's gone. I STILL haven't heard from her. Ugh.) I have a feeling this will be a very long week. Long, long days. But at least I will have people to go out with on Wednesday...I just have to find them and make plans...

If it weren't for the two gorgeous sunny days we've had, I don't think I would have made it through. And if I didn't have Meghan or Kathryn, because they're my real friends who are still around and I can go to with anything. They would never treat me like Ania did.

I can't cry anymore

It's Saturday night. Another night I really wanted to go out. To have fun. With no stupid drama. But of course, there's no one to go out with. I did have dinner at Kathryn's and we went to TCBY, so I did something at least. But I really, really wanted to go out. So much for that. I knew it wouldn't happen though. And no word from Ania. She won't be hearing from me anytime soon. Shows how much she cares.

I just may better off alone

Last night was the last straw. As far as I'm concerned right now, it's over. She really hurt me with what she said. Actually, it's not what she said, but how she said it. Normally, it wouldn't have bothered me, had she used a joking tone. But she didn't. They way she said it; it was just so mean. It was completely uncalled for. Excuse me for laughing and having fun. And her apology? What kind of crap was that? She didn't mean it. She tried to blame it on me, like I deserved to be treated that way. Well, guess what? You didn't win this time. I actually stood up for myself. When she could care less that she really hurt me, I walked out. And didn't look back. Until she can get her priorities straight, I'm not doing anything to try and contact her. I did nothing wrong. She hurt me. She embarassed me in front of all those people. She made fun of me. No. I'm not going to let someone treat me like that. No "I'm sorry" for things I'm not sorry for or have no reason to be sorry. I do enough of that. And I've done enough of it with her lately. I lost my best friend last night. But really, I lost her a long time ago.

if it's loving that you need, then baby come and share my world

I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D!!! When was I ever this busy? I know it's been a long time. I'm away from home so much now, which is a huge change. I'm so used to always being at home. I may have been busy, but I was at home. So...Saturday was an absoultely MISERABLE day. I was so depressed. I didn't even smile really. There was nothing that really could. I was still so upset about the night before. I did end up going out with Ania Saturday night, though. But it turned out to be a disaster. At first, it was lots of fun. But then when we got to the actual party we were going to, I felt soooo incredibly uncomfortable. It was totallly NOT my scene. I can't say anymore because it's privileged information, lol. It was one of her new friends' parties. I'm sure they're all really great people, and I don't judge them or have a problem with them or anything, it's just that when I go to a party on a Saturday night, I want to be surrounded by, well, hot guys. I've got to show them that I'm out there, and all they have to do is come and get me! Tomorrow is gonna be another very long day...time to get some rest. Yes, I know it's early, but I don't care!

If it's loving that you want, then you should make me your girl

Another night in. But not by choice. A different friend this time bailed on me. And I didn't feel like having to call a million people and invite myself to go out with them, if they were going out. I'm sick of it. SO SICK OF IT!!! Why should I put up with these people who never invite me to do anything?? They never think of me, so why should I think of them? It doesn't make sense. Ania and I did make up. We went out last night, and it was fun up until a certain extent. Don't feel like talking about it. These fucking people in the next duplex over better not be loud tonight, or else I'm calling the police. Of course this happens when I'm stuck in alone for the night. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin...

I had the urge to just jump in the fountain on campus today as I walked past it in the rain today. It just looked so pretty and blue and fun. I was already wet, anyways...but I didn't actually do it! It probably would have brightened my day. I cried myself to sleep again last night. Well, sorta. I was so upset again about the whole Ania situation. She finally responded in a message today. But I don't feel any better. I said something back, but of course I won't hear from her. Why do I even bother? Oh, because she is only my best friend and means the world to me, that's why. I give more than I will ever receive in return. But that's how it is, that's how I am. I'm just one of those people that people take for granted. Because I'm there, and always will be. At least for those who show me that they care enough about me back.

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

So, Ania and I still have not worked things out yet. She never called on Saturday night. I didn't call her; I just sent her a text message telling her we needed to talk the next day. It was up to her to call me--I wasn't going to do it. She doesn't call. She sends me an IM, which I don't get until the end of the day because I was gone all day. She apologized for not calling and said I had every right to be mad at her. Damn right I did. And it wasn't just because she didn't call that night. I called her, she didn't answer. I went to hang out with some other friends, which was definitely a much needed distraction. I called her about an hour later, she still didn't answer. I was so pissed. No way I was calling her again. She calls me around 11pm or so and is like, is everything ok? I didn't have my phone with me all day, did you get my IM. I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah. Of course, me being the way -too-nice girl that I am, didn't say anything. She asked if I wanted to meet her today at a coffee shop or something to study/talk/catch up, and I said yes, just give me the time. Said she'd call me today--she promised. No call. What a suprise. I get an IM from her this evening. It's her explanation for the way she's been. I don't say anything. I didn't know what to say. No, that's not true. I knew exactly what to say. I was just too scared to do it. So I waited until I could gather my thoughts to respond. And I did. And now her away message rightly says that "sometimes we forget how lucky we are." She definitely has been taking me for granted. I am disappointed and sad because I won't be receiving a call from my best friend asking me how my first time back at chapter was tonight, as a best friend should do. It probably hasn't even crossed her mind.

Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Why does it always have to be so hard for me? Why has it always been so hard? What did I ever to do deserve this? And why is she doing this to me? AGAIN??? I'm too afraid to tell her. Why? Because I know she'll try and throw it back in my face somehow. Even though I have done nothing except everything that she isn't doing. She's not even trying. Never calls me. Never calls me back. Only invites me to do things when she's already got plans with other people. It's like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, except when SHE wants to. Which is very rarely these days. I told her to call me today because I couldn't get in touch with her at all yesterday, even though I tried a million times. She doesn't call. I have to call HER and she has the nerve to tell me I didn't try and call her yesterday. What a load of crap. She's become selfish, engrossed in her own little world and puts me last for everything now. I've seen her once in the past freaking month! She started this crap at the end of the semester. And she's still pulling it. I'm going to have to talk to her. I can't let her keep walking all over me like this. She hasn't been there for me lately, so I'm beginning to wonder why the hell I should be there for her anymore. I can't trust her word. She says one thing, but does another. Anything that she tells me I doubt. "Let's go to Chubby's or something this weekend." "Ok, sure. We haven't done that in forever!" Well, forever continues, because apparently, plans mean nothing to her. What does she think when she says things like this? Does she not mean it? Why even suggest it then? Because I'm the kind of person who believes people like her. That they actually mean that they will do what they say. Amanda was supposed to call me back after she was done. Maybe she's not done yet. She probably is, but just forgot. Of course. Because apparently I'm easily forgettable. No one ever calls me and invites me to do things. It's me who's always calling them. I do all the fucking work and it SUCKS. Who ever makes the effort for ME?? I'm all alone. No one cares. No one ever thinks about me. They never invite me to join in. Or if they do, it's because someone has told them something or they feel sorry for me and feel obligated to invite me. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I got halfway ready. Just in case. Did my hair and put on foundation. No eye makeup and no picking out something to wear. Because I knew it would end up like this. Me crying. At home. Alone. Another Saturday night gone to waste. More opportunities lost. But that's not new. I try, but I always fail. It's not supposed to be this way. This is my last semester. I want to have fun. I want to make the most of going out. I didn't go out last night because I thought I was going out tonight. I guess I can never assume anything anymore. Not with the people I know. Especially not with my best friend. Who has ditched me for some other new girl and her friends she met. All three of us are this way? Is it a genetic thing? Did my parents fail in some way? I know my mom blames herself, that she failed us in some way. And it's a horrible thing to feel, because she didn't. I don't know what's wrong with us. We're good people. We all make our share of the effort, actually we do way more than we ever should, but for what? We get nothing in return. Maybe once in a while. But nothing consistent. And that's what I want. Consistency. Someone who wants to be around me a lot of the time (I can't be around someone all the time, I need my me time). Like Ania used to be. But now that she's got her car, she doesn't need me anymore. She doesn't even invite me to go on any errands with her. Not that I might always want to, but it'd be nice if she asked. And she can come over to my place once in a while. It takes just as long to get here as it does for me to go there, so she can't complain, because I ALWAYS go to her place. ALWAYS. This happened at the beginning of the fall semester. After she joined her sorority. Met new people, ditched me. I complained, and she blamed it on me, saying she can't always blah blah blah. She makes time for everyone else. Everyone EXCEPT me. She goes to the apartment of some stupid jerk and hangs out with him and his friends more than she ever does with me. Talks to them more, too. And she said she'd call me later and tell me the time and what not. Ha. That's a joke. I don't want to stay in and play boardgames on the first Saturday back of the semester. The first last Saturday of my college experience. But of course, that doesn't matter to her, and these new people do. I'm not jealous. I just want my best friend to start fucking acting like my best friend again.

I live for the tears to fall down your face

So Ania's really pissing me off right now. She disappears on me yesterday, probably not doing things she needed to do and was off doing something else with other people. And I still haven't heard from her today. Shows how much she really wants to see me again. Whatever. Tomorrow I start my internship. I'm a little nervous. I'm just trying to figure out when I'm going to get important things to me done, like working out and eating (will I have a lunch break? otherwise I'll starve. I can't go 5 hours without a little snack at the minimum!). Mondays won't be so hard to figure out. Tuesdays I'll be gone ALL day. That's definitely going to be a huge change for me. I'm used to coming back home after class and doing nothing for the rest of the day except maybe a little homework. And not to mention taking naps. Well, at least I have a 3 day weekend, because I'm not working on Fridays. I'll make do. It will probably actually be better for me this way. I NEED to get away from this house more than I do. I just feel bad for Chloe, because she's going to be so sad I won't be home as much. And I bet I'll be pretty darn tired and grumpy when I get home one Tuesdays and Thursdays. Then there's the dilemma about going out on Tuesdays, and Wednesdays when socials start. Obviously, I don't go out every Tuesday. But that's a really good day to go out, and I will not want to pass up the opportunities that I get to go out on those nights. But I know I'll pay for it the next day. Guess I'll just have to watch how much I drink so I won't be hung over. Just tired instead of both. I also will be attending my first dinner at the sorority EVER, since I never went last fall when I transfered. Ok, so Ania's off my bad list right now. She just called and apologized for not calling or getting back to me yesterday. I feel a little better about that now. Anyways, about dinner...Right now I'm not really that nervous, but I know when it comes time to walk into the house, I will be a nervous wreck. But it's something I've gotta do. My dad's going to be paying $2000 (yes, a RIDICULOUS amount of money) for me to go active again this semester, and I'm going to go all out with it. I'm putting myself out there. I have to. Not just for the sorority, but for my internship, as well as just the general benefit of growing. I can see myself really changing this semester, becoming more outgoing, for one thing. I'll have to be, especially with the 2 situations I'm in. I've got to prove myself in the workplace, and make friends in the sorority. I actually WANT to do this. I'm excited. At least I think I am. No, I know I am. I have so much potential right in front of me, and for once, I'm not going to sit around and do nothing with it. I'm going to continue to become the person I want to be. And I've got to put myself out there, even if it is completely cold turkey, to do it. So here goes...

Boredom is nothing short of what I've been feeling for the past few days. The kind where you have absolutely nothing to do, but sit around at home wondering what in the world you can do so you're not bored anymore. I've spent all day, once again, doing nothing. Nothing productive. This evening and afternoon I've been waiting for Ania to get back to me, but no luck on that. Surprise. So in the meantime, I've tried to figure out something to occupy my time. And what have I come up with? An idea for a project. Still trying to work out all the details of it, beginning some of it. Yet, it's not really what I want to be doing. What DO I want to be doing? Actually, I really don't know. Something besides what I am doing. It's so frustrating!

I was looking at some websites that I'd found a while ago for ideas of things to write about. One is a site where it gives you a prompt. What came up? "Name 3 reasons why you should get out of bed tomorrow." Ha! Right now, I don't even have one. Ok, so maybe one. To eat. And to work out. So now there's two. But sleeping sounds a whole lot better than staying awake right now. It'll probably be an early night, considering the lack of things to keep me awake.

You know what though? I look at the pictures, and he's not like I always picture him. Of course, that's how it always is, isn't it? I think I make him out to be better than he is. Or else he doesn't photograph well.

And the sun's coming up and how we woke up on the floor

Why did I do it? I don't feel any better. I don't feel any worse. I just feel strange. The curiousity just got to me. It was staring me right in the face, and I couldn't resist. I wasn't going to. I said I wasn't. No. Because I didn't want to. I don't think I wanted to even though I did. It was an impulse, a need to know. Am I that hopeless? No, I'm not. I was just wanting a piece of something I told myself I couldn't have. Eventually, you will give in, no matter how hard you try not to. And afterwards you'll feel bad and guilty for doing so. And you'll promise yourself you'll never do it again. Maybe this time, it'll work, you think. Maybe so. Or you may fall victim to the same yet once again. It's an unruly cycle. One I'm determined to break. But the key is moderation. It's not like I was before. It's been a while, so I can tell myself it's ok. I wasn't obsessing, I didn't "overindulge." I just satisfied my need to see. Well, not really satisfied, because I definitely feel nothing of the sort. I don't know what I was expecting. I knew nothing but some kind of hurt would result from it. But that's the thing. I don't really know if I'm hurt. Maybe a little bit, because everything to do with this will cause me to be nothing less than hurt. It's my own fault. I didn't have to, but I did. I didn't discover anything, though. Which is good. That would have been bad. Or did I? And I'm just trying to hide it from myself? Get over it already! I think I'm as over it as I can possibly be. And I am. I have been for a long time. But there's that stupid feeling inside of me saying, don't give up. But what's the point??? I'm not waiting. I haven't been waiting for anyone. I don't want any of them. They're gone from my life because they're not good enough for me. They definitely proved that. So why does my heart not want to believe it? My head knows, but there's that little piece inside of me that just won't heal. Where are the new boys so I can replace what my heart feels it's missing?

Cause I don't need my conscience when I lose my head

Laundry sucks. I've been doing it ALL day, and I'm still not done. And it's 9pm. I really wonder what Meghan's birthday will bring this year, as it was life-changing last year. Everything that happened afterwards, stemmed from that night. Adam. Drinking and going out. Boys. And more boys. Who would've known?

I'm saving it all for the morning after

I applied for graduation today. So weird. Turns out I graduate on the Friday night, not on Saturday morning. Yes! I can sleep in! And I start my internship on Monday. At 8:30am. That's not going to be a regular time, believe me. There's no way I'm getting up at 6:30am 4 days a week. I'll let it slide for the first day. Another break is about to come to an end. And what's to make of it? Not much. Not much at all. Once again, I wasted so much time doing nothing. I feel like lots of people went places, on trips, hung out with friends. Did everything that I didn't do but wanted to do. So what did I do? I was on my computer a lot. Really doing nothing but trying to find something to do, or get ideas for things. One thing that I will be able to say that I did by the end of tonight is that I read a book. Yep. A book. Pretty sad, huh. I could have easily read at least 2 or 3. But no, I find most of my time slips by at night while I'm here on my computer. It's the facebook addiction. Blah. I have nothing to write about. I come up with the best things to write about as I'm trying to fall asleep, and I always tell myself, that's a great topic, I'll write about it later. Apparently I forget. Maybe my life is just getting boring right now. I mean, afterall, I haven't been doing much, and my emotions haven't really been active lately. Not really sad, but not really happy. Just in that inbetween phase. Trying to definitely not think about someone. And it's going pretty well, too. Of course the little things remind me of him, especially what with is coming up in a few days. But no checking facebook for 10 days! Yes, 10 days! And I'm not lying because there's no reason to lie on here. I'm so proud of myself. And it's not like I have to force myself not to. I just simply don't care to, or feel like I have to. It's quite a relief. Wanting what I can't have is starting to become obsolete. It's about time.

I've got the body blues once again. Actually, they never really went away. I thought I was feeling better, but I'm still having problems. With food, with being more active again. And today hasn't helped still feeling nauseus, so I didn't get in my full workout like I had planned. I really drank way too much Saturday night, if I'm still not feeling great today. And I'm not. I feel nauseus like I felt when I had mono. Hungry, but you don't want to eat anything, except you do. You don't eat anything considered "bad," but it's not what you would prefer to eat and just makes you feel crummy. That's the perfect way to describe how I feel right now about my body. Crummy. I'm hoping for a fresh start tomorrow. Please let me feel better.

Sometimes I think I see you walking down the street...and I believe it

Soooooo incredibly hung over today. I feel soooo sick, still. Drank entirely way too much too fast last night. Get this: I had 2 bottles of champagne that I drank by myself, one shot of rum, one shot of vodka, and some beer. No wonder I ended up throwing up! But I did have a lot of fun at the party, despite that. I was very intimidated when I first walked in, and for about 5-10 minutes or so. I recognized most of the people there--they all went to Chiles, but were mostly 2 years younger than me. But after I found Erin and started drinking, I relaxed. Around 11 o'clock, guess who shows up? Matt and his friends. Normally, I'd be totally excited to see him, but there was some girl with him (lowering his standards a bit? but hey, I don't know her...), which put a whole damper on the situation. I know he saw that I was there, but as usual when I run into a guy from the past, I ignored him. I didn't really know what to do, especially since I hadn't seen him since, oh, 2 summers ago and I haven't spoken to him since the summer. And of course, I drank a little more...I eventually got up from where I was sitting and joined Erin who was talking to some guys, one of which is another guy named Matt. Maybe it was the way he was looking at me and the vibe I was getting from him, but he became my "target" lol of the night. And I was well on the way to hitting the bullseye until I got sick. Who knows what might've happened (not that though...I definitely wanted to makeout, though!). What's weird is that he knows my sister, since they went to school together forever. And I know she had a crush on him when she was in elementary school. Yeah, that's quite some time ago, but I still felt a little bad. But we were definitely flirting and he had his arm around me and everything. I apparently even had a picture taken with him...hmmm... I should start a picture collection of my photos with random guys when I'm drunk. I don't know why I take them...maybe to remember them? Or as some sort of proof? Or maybe because I just want to capture the memories. There is definitely some lost time from when I went outside with Matt and when I remember throwing up in the bathroom. Must have blacked out, because I don't know when I became sick or what brought it on, or anything. It's a mystery. I ended up on the couch, passed out, my head in a plastic hat for in case I got sick again. In front of everyone. And with the way I'm feeling today, that should teach me to never mix all three alcohols in one night. I knew I shouldn't have at the time, but I didn't care. Maybe next time I will care and I'll just stick to one! OH! I did end up talking to Matt later in the night. He was standing talking to someone, and I just decided that I should say hi at least. And I did. He asked me where my "boy" was. I was like, what boy? I don't have anyone. He was like, yeah I heard you had one and all, the guy from the summer. Pay attention to facebook! Haha. It was a short convo. Kinda strange and awkward. But I did it anyways.