dream of me tonight

This day seems like it's lasted forever. I'm really tired. I didn't get as much studying done as I should have. Why do I feel so guilty about it? I know I don't have to make all A's. I need to loosen up on this form of control I have over myself. I don't think I'm going to do that great on my tests. I know I feel that way because I haven't studied as much as I normally would have--which is way too much. I've probably still done way more than most people. I've just gotta tell myself it'll be okay. And it will. I hope. I just feel so overwhelmed--well, not as much as last week, but I still feel like I have a million things to do and so little time left to get things done. I'm nervous about tomorrow...about meeting him...I'm thinking that I'll ask to meet him at the restaurant, because everyone I've told (well, 2 people, plus that voice in my head) is freaking me out about meeting someone from online. Believe me, I would not even think about doing this normally, because I have a very hard time trusting people. But I don't know why exactly I'm so more willing right now...maybe it's because I know a lot of the people who have myspace accounts and it just seems more real or something. I don't know. But I definitely won't do anything I don't want to do and if I feel uncomfortable in any way at all, I'll leave or won't go through with it. But I'm thinking I'd feel more comfortable to meet him in a public place--just to be safe. That's the smart thing to do. What in the world was I thinking doing otherwise? And I'm the most paranoid person in the world--I used to sleep with 2, yes 2, pocket knives under my pillow when I was younger and would sleep with the covers pulled completely over my head! And still, I practically run to my car at night and immediately lock my doors and carry pepper spray, and check to make sure my locks at home are locked a million times, especially if I'm alone. Wow...and to think I was letting my guard down so much! (I'm definitely a victim of the news phenomenon of overreporting crime stories--if it bleeds, it leads). Anyways, I'm going to Target tomorrow to check out the cute bathing suits. It'll be a long day of classes first to get through first though.

and know that I'm in love again

I woke up with a smile on my face this morning. I was happy. I haven't felt this way since at least over a week ago. I'm in a very good mood. I can't stop smiling. And it has nothing to do with Adam!!! But I think I'm developing another little crush...I don't know if it'll last once I actually meet him...but he called me last night. At 1 am. Yeah, I was asleep. I woke up and wasn't sure if I had just dreamt that my phone had rang, or if it actually did. Then I heard the beep that notifies me of a new voicemail message. I knew who it would probably be. I listened to it...it was Eddie just calling...he knew I'd probably not be awake, but just wanted me to call him when I got the message. So guess I'll be calling him today. It just feels so nice to have someone wanting to talk to me. And it's a nice distraction. Yeah, and I'd recommend getting a myspace account...it can be a little creepy, but it can also be a great confidence booster! It's off to class now.

but he's so beautiful...he's such a beautiful disaster

My brain is fried. I still should study more tonight, but I'm so burnt out. I've done a lot today, yet I still don't feel like I did that much. I wish this week would just disappear so I wouldn't have to worry about taking any tests. So that's pretty much what I've been doing today. Studying. And studying so more. I actually didn't get started until 1:30 pm, but I've been going ever since, with a 2 hour break inbetween for some goof-off time and dinner. I attempted to make another cd today...this one with a bunch of oldies on it. But my burner is all screwed up so it didn't come out right. Maybe Allison will let me use her computer to make it again. Hmmm...there's probably slim chance of that, but maybe she'll be in a generous mood. Oh, I was listening to one of the songs I put on it...and it reminded me of a movie I used to love that I haven't seen in ages--Flight of the Navigator! Now I really want to see it. And that reminds me that I really need to write down this mental list I've made of things that I want to do. Not tonight though, because I'm not in that sentimental mood. I didn't really think about Adam today...well, not as much at least. It takes me absolutely forever to get over someone I like. But I'm determined not to hang on too long this time, because my heart won't be able to take it. I'm off to get ready to face what will be a very long week. I just hope it won't be as miserable as last week. But I suppose I control that in many ways. And I'm gonna do my best.

i call just to feel you on the line

I love waking up to the rain falling outside. It's so cozy and relaxing and makes me want to never wake up. But too much to do today to do that. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. I couldn't clear my mind and was really hungry for some reason. All i could think about was this new guy and Adam. I realized that I am so not over him yet. I really miss him. All I want is for him to call me. But deep down, I know that won't happen. I need to get over him. You see, I think things would be easier if he had told me he didn't want to see me anymore. It'd still hurt, but at least I'd have closure. Instead, I am left hanging, wondering what's going on. I want to call him so bad. But I won't. Because if he wants anything to do with me, he can call me himself. Would I take him back if he did end up calling? Yes, I know I would. But not without a talk spelling things out very clearly about our relationship. But that's only my wishful thinking. So, with this new guy Eddie...I think he's definitely interested in me (not that the asking me to dinner wasn't a good indicator) because he was flirting with me a lot and asking me about relationships and what I looked for in a guy and stuff and complementing me. It's flattering, for sure. But I don't really know how I feel. I keep thinking he's not Adam...It's just so hard when you put yourself out there. My dad described relationships with a perfect analogy to having pets: you know they won't be around forever, and when they do pass on it really hurts, but you enjoy the time you have with them while they're there with you...you don't not have them because you know you're going to lose them at some point. Relationships are the same way, you have to enjoy the time while they last, and when it's over, it may hurt, but you don't not go have them because of these reasons. Yes, I talked, well, more like he talked to me, on Wednesday night when I had my panic attack--initially it was over stressing out about school, but what was really underlying it was the situation with Adam. My mom was out of town at a lacrosse game, i couldn't reach Anne, I knew Meghan was in class, and I don't know why I didn't call Kathryn ( I thought about it, but didn't want to bother her)...I didn't know who else to turn to...I felt so alone. So I called my dad and he came over...I just really needed someone to comfort and console me. Make me feel like everything was going to be all right. And it will be eventually. Oh, I did talk to Eddie on the phone last night for a bit...yeah he called me. We ended up mainly talking online though. He sounds nice--I was expecting him to have more of an accent for some reason--guess that's Adam that's still influencing me. So we'll see...not sure if I'm really into it in that way, but I'll give it a try. I don't think he's the type of guy that I'd typically go for, but maybe that's a good thing because those guys haven't exactly worked out for me. I'm really just viewing it this way: as a way to make a new friend. I figure I'd give him a chance, because I don't come across too many guys who are decent that are interested in me too...I've been a little too picky in the past and I think that's part of my problem. I've been searching for the perfect guy for me...but I won't find him unless I go through some less-than-perfect guys for me I guess (not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with these guys). So yeah...it's all apart of my plan to open up and try new things and be on the path to the person that I've tried so hard to let out of me.

never thought I'd let somebody else in

So much for getting any studying done today. There's always tomorrow....definitely have to get stuff done tomorrow. I've been talking to Eddie all evening on instant messenger...turns out we've got things in common and I think I've got my question answered. He's turned me on to some really good music by this band called the Matt White Band and Honeybrowne. So if anything, I've got some new music to listen to! Had a nice chat with Kathryn...we're going to go visit Thomasville, GA sometime soon and have lunch in this cute place she knows of. That'll be fun. I remember after my birthday senior year, we went up there that afternoon and walked around...I think that's the last time I've been there. I am so addicted to this blogging! It's just so freeing to write whatever I want and then publish it to the web...I'm a dork, I know.

i'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change

I'm still in disbelief right now. Is it a date? I don't know. Here's the transcript from our little chat, from where the whole thing started:

...EddieC497: so how come your single?!
SunZip: well...i wasn't for this past month until this week...i think the guy i've been dating doesn't want to see me anymore because he won't return my calls
EddieC497: well thats not good..why would he just stop talking to you?
SunZip: i have no idea...it was so sudden because things seemed to be going really well
EddieC497: hmm...thats strange..unless he found someone else or didnt like something you did?! who knows!?!?!
EddieC497: but i would love to hang out with you sometime if thats something you wouldnt mind
SunZip: yeah sure
EddieC497: when might you have some time? dont want to intefere with the school work ya know!
SunZip: well, unfortunately this week i'm swamped with school, so i'd have to be after spring break or later that week
EddieC497: yea i totally understand...i am going to atlanta march 3-14.....can you do like dinner sometime this coming up week?
SunZip: yeah i could do that
SunZip: tuesday would probably be best for me
EddieC497: thats sounds great...where do you like to go down here...since youve ate everywhere!?
...SunZip: well, it's been good talking to you today...i'm gonna go start something for dinner
EddieC497: yea same here hun, if i dont see you on later, i might just have to try and give you a call
SunZip: alright...talk to ya later...bye!
EddieC497: bye hun

So, what do you think? I mean, I'm perfectly fine with it not being a date. That's probably what I'd prefer until I actually meet this guy in person. I feel like I'm going on a blind date. I guess I kinda am in a way. I will definitely tell one of my friends exactly where I am going and everything, just in case. I didn't put this part up there, but I will be meeting him at his place and he will drive us to Chili's (which is where we're going). Just in case that makes the situation any more clear, or it might make it even harder to determine (I'm making no sense right now). And he might call me later, too. Yeah, he got my number. He gave me his, too. Kinda nervous about that. I'm pretty guarded about giving my number out...I've done it before very hesitantly and regretted that I'd given it out. But I didn't really hesitate tonight. Don't know why. But I guess it's a good thing--at least I'll be getting out. And maybe I'll make a new friend out of it. I've never really had any guy friends. [My stupid neighbors are setting off fireworks behind my house...very annoying] So I'll try and turn this into something positive. It's what I need to be doing, isn't it? Putting myself out there? (With complete strangers I meet online???!!!)

i'm so moving on...

Ok...so the weirdest thing just happened...I have plans to go to dinner with this guy that I met online on this thing called myspace.com. Wow...what the heck am I thinking? [the doorbell just rang, and for a minute I was hopeful that it might be Adam...of course it wasn't] But, yeah...here's the link to his page: http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=8497231&Mytoken=20050226145122. And here's the link to mine:http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=3363049&Mytoken=20050226145556. I don't consider it a date or anything, but I thought, why not? It couldn't hurt to make a new friend. Anyways, his name is Eddie, he's from Thomasville, he's a Pi Kapp, and that's about all that I know. And I'm going to dinner with him. A guy I've never met. Someone who I've only talked to online once. I'm crazy. He's not that bad looking from his pictures on his site. I think you have to be a member to see the other ones that isn't on his front page, but it's free if you sign up...I signed up a long time ago, but never did anything with it until recently when one of my friends discovered that I had it, so I decided to do something with it. Well, more on this later. Time for dinner.

i gave you everything and never asked for anything, and look at me i'm all alone

I so wanted to sleep in this morning...my bed was just so incredibly comfortable. But I needed to get up because I've got stuff to do today. I never let myself sleep in anymore...most of the time I end up not being able to sleep anymore and wake up early. I got up around 9am...it depends on how you look at it if that's early or not. One day I just want to sleep in as long as I want. Maybe even sleep all day. But, there's no time for that for a while, and I don't want to waste any of my days on spring break sleeping. I just ran 3.6 miles. I took it a little easy today, not running as fast as usual. At least this week I had a good week with running, because the past couple weeks have been really off. I really need to study today. But I really don't want to. I figure I'll get some done later, because if I don't, I'll get mad at myself for not doing it. I really want to go shopping. So bad. Can't wait until we go to the mall in Tampa...Hollister's got some incredibly cute clothes that I'm just dying to have. I think I might go to walmart today, since tomorrow it's supposed to rain all day and be all yucky out...it's no fun going out in the rain, especially when it's cold outside. I need a few things...I also want to go to Target to get a new beach bag and possibly a new bathing suit. So we'll see. I just don't want to be stuck inside my house all day, because I know that'll bring me down. And I'm gonna try my best to have a good day and not think about him.

but it gets so lonely being on my own

I'm watching Real Time with Bill Mahr on HBO. I think it's a great show and I'm really glad that it's got a new season. I really liked watching it during the election season. So yes. I am home on a Friday night. So what's new? I was thinking about going to my brother's lacrosse game tonight, but I decided that I didn't want to go out into the cold and I needed to work on a paper that's due the DAY AFTER spring break. Plus, I have 3 midterms at the end of next week. Not to mention I've gotta pack and stuff for the beach. Why do teachers expect your life to revolve around their class? I mean, hello...we have other things to do...like other classes that are just as intense as their's...and some of us want to have a life and not be doing school work all the time. I'm actually following through on my goal of not studying so much this semester. Of course, it helped being distracted by a certain someone...who has broken my heart this week. I don't know what happened. Things seemed to be going so well. He definitely led me on. And he didn't even have the guts to tell me it was over. He took the easy and cowardly way out of it by not returning my calls. What a jerk. This is definitely a change from what I've been feeling all day...my sadness has turned into anger. But it still hurts. Yesterday I did very well...not thinking about him and thinking positively about myself. But today, I don't know...I think it had something to do with the weather--it was a very dreary day...it may have also been due to the fact that I kept thinking about him and our time together. Ok, so I know we were just dating and it wasn't for but over a month, but still...we had some good nights and as I got to know him more, the more I started to like him. And I thought he really liked me, too. I guess not. Unless I'm completely making something out of nothing (which is the hope deep down inside of me that wants to hang on), but I'm afraid it's most likely not the case. I just knew it was too good to be true, because things like this don't happen to me. I mean, I figured it wouldn't last forever, but I thought it'd last at least a little longer than it did. I was sooooo happy. I haven't felt that way in, well, what seems like forever. It felt like this dream of mine had come true. It was all I'd wanted for soooo long. And it went away in the blink of an eye. Or more like an unreturned phone call. I just keep waiting and waiting...that maybe he'll call...but it's stupid and useless to think that...but I can't help it. I'm not going to be a slave to my cell phone anymore...I've been attached to that thing like glue the past few weeks. It's ridiculous. But he is just sooooo cute......I'm hopeless. When I fall, I fall...maybe a little too hard. Maybe that was it. I probably got too serious for him, even when I didn't mean to. Because I didn't. When I saw the movie Hitch last week, I thought I was watching myself in the scene where they show Will Smith's character in college, making up for lost time for getting into the dating game late. I wasn't anywhere near being in love, but I guess I was just too eager and I didn't see it. I just want that feeling back again. And who knows when it will ever come back, because it took me long enough to get here, and it only left me with some memories and a broken heart.

i used to be scared of letting someone in

So, this is my first blog ever. I've got a livejounal account, but never actually have used it. I saw this in an article in my local newspaper (I'm a nerd--I read the newspaper everyday, but at least I'm informed) and decided to finally try it. It's something new. Something that I've never done before. It's actually really taking a big leap for me, because I'm not one to open up very easily and let others know what I'm thinking and feeling. So that's what this is about for me--just to express my thoughts and feelings to the world. I really don't care if anyone reads this or not, because that doesn't matter to me. Actually, it really does. I think the reason why it's taken me so long to do this is because I've been afraid of someone that I know reading it and about what others think about me. But it's time to stop worrying so much about other people, because they really don't care as much as I think they do. I know it's stupid to be talking about something as dumb as starting a journal, but whatever. This is my space to write anything I want and to say whatever I want. And if you don't like it, well, you don't have to read it. On that note, I'm gonna go and play around a little more with this thing and write a real entry later (at least, I'll try to...might not actually happen).