All I have to say is this: something that I've wanted for sooooo long is finally taking shape. And it's for real this time. And I can't stop smiling about him :)

I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be?

Why am I so insecure, especially when it comes to guys? I guess it's because no one's ever stuck around and because I haven't found I can trust anything someone says. Because it's never backed by action. Only empty words said for some reason one night. I guess it's also because I'm never the one. They either go back to some previous relationship, or they find someone else who they do want to be in a relationship with. I'm never the one they want. I'm not trying to bash on myself, but I'm just already in a bad mood because of the holidays. I hate this time of year. I've grown to not like it. It just makes me feel incredibly lonely. Christmas. New Year's especially. I'm just finding it hard to smile lately. Not much of a reason to. Nothing--and no one--to cheer me up. I keep debating whether to send him a message. I want to. But then again I don't. I want him to first. I want to see that HE wants to talk to me. So far, I guess he hasn't. But then again, I have to remind myself not to look into it so much, because it is the break, afterall. People do lose contact during this time, and it means nothing. But then again, what if he still thinks I don't want to talk to him? So what I think I'm going to do is just say hi this afternoon. Try something a little flirtatious and funny. Something light and innocent. And see how he responds. I'd rather know now if I'm wasting my time thinking about him, which I'm afraid is true. It's better to find out now, instead of worrying for the next few weeks, because I can't take that. I'm going to try and not be down for the rest of the day. It'll be hard, though...

He's the song in the car I keep singing

He's never looked at me the way he did the other night. He couldn't stop smiling--or staring--at me. I had no idea what to think. I was on guard, holding my ground because this was so out-of-the-blue. He kept talking about how he always thought of calling me, but was afraid to because he thought I'd hang up or barely say anything to him. He asked me about my 'love life,' to which he responded he didn't have a girlfriend, thanks for asking. I was doing my usual not saying much, giving him this look that I always give him that he can't decipher (according to him). We ended up hanging out that night, and when we went to pick up some more to drink, he wanted to just sit in the car with me, spend time with me. He asked me what my favorite flower was, as well as my favorite restaurant. Said maybe we'd go there sometime. I was still as skeptical as can be, because I didn't know what his intentions were and if he was just talking like that because he had been drinking. He ended up being the second guy that night to ask me why I was single. Seriously, you fucking tell me! Anyways, won't get into that right now. So, we end up going out that night, where it became clear that he was just so completely into me. And we proceeded to have such a fun and amazing time together. He just made me feel so amazing about myself. And we had some serious cuddling the next morning and he said he could just lay there like that all day. But now, the high for me is wearing off, and I'm starting to start thinking rationally. And overanalyzing things. I think I want to start back up again with him--that is, if he wants that too. I mentioned if he was going to call me sometime that next morning when he was taking me home. He said he would, and I made it clear that it was ok to and that I'd answer. So, now it's up to him. I really, really want him to call me. And not just when he gets back in town. I hate this stupid break!! This is what happened last year, and it screwed us up, because he came back less enthusiastic about me. And I can't help but think how stupid it is to think that he's actually gonna call and that it will be any different from before, in terms of what he wants. Because, it's probably not true, and there's no sense in hoping that he will call or even care to talk to me. Having hope just isn't worth it anymore. Because I'm always disappointed.

You know his touch all too well

I'm not so sure it was a good idea. Because now I can't get him out of my head. Again. There was a time when I thought I'd gotten over him. I was over him. But now, it's all come back. And I'm confused. Smarter. Much smarter to know that it was only one night, like all the others. Was it really different this time? Or am I just fooling myself, holding on to that little strand of hope that I just can't let go of? It was all him. He called. He'd been sending me random messages. Completely out of the blue. And then there was what he said. Talking about settling down? What did he mean? Was he talking about me? I'm not sure, because he's seemed to prove that I am not someone he has wanted to date. He said something about how we've known each other a few years now, and how our relationship has been about one thing...And, apparently, he trusts me and feels he can be completely honest with me. I guess he's saying he's comfortable with me. I wonder if he remembers saying this to me, or if he was just drunk and didn't know what he was talking about. Or if it actually means something. Most likely, it doesn't. And I'm not holding him to anything he said or did, because I'm not stupid and know WAY better than to do that. I guess I just have to wait and see and let his actions prove his true motives and feelings. If he wants to be more, then I'm willing to give it a try. But I'm not waiting around for him, and will not let myself be hurt by him again. But for now, I'll just let the high from the other night continue, until it eventually wears off and reality sets in again.

When the sun shines we'll shine together

My back hurts. I injured it somehow, and it is absolutely killing me. I'm getting treatment for it, but the healing is not coming fast enough! And the worst part about it is that I'm not able to work out, well at least with no pain. I know I need to let my back heal, but it's scary the thoughts that have been surfacing lately. I keep having to convince myself that it's ok if I don't work out for a few more days. That I'm not going to get out of shape or gain weight. But coming off being on vacation where I didn't workout and ate not so great, it's even harder. It scares me that I'm thinking like this. My sister is in the middle of battling an eating disorder/OCD problem, and I'm supposed the be the role model. Maybe I'm feeling some of that pressure in some way. The important thing to know is that by taking it easy, the faster my back will get better and the sooner I will be able to get back into the gym. Repeat, repeat, repeat....

When the sun shines we'll shine together

I don't want to like him. No. Get out my head already! I can't get attached. I won't let myself get attached. He can't provide what I'm looking for. I don't need a distraction like him, because it will pull me in the wrong direction. A direction I don't want to go anymore. That I promised myself I wouldn't because I know I deserve more, deserve better. I can't chase him...if he wants to talk to me or see me, he will. I can't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I like him, when he's the one that's incredibly lucky to just be talking to me. And that's not just being conceited. I mean, he's four years younger than me! My brother's age!! But still, it doesn't matter what age a guy is, the feelings are still the same as with every other one. Stupid crush! Go away, just leave me alone. I don't want to get hurt again. Not like this, not by him. Save the heartbreak for someone who's really worth it in the future. Not another fling. But I have a feeling it's already too late...

I am really that freaking insecure? Once again, I have prematurely overreacted. And made an idiot of myself. So what's new???

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great

I was trying to make the best of the situation and not let myself regret what had happened. I know I should have never let it go that far, but I wasn't hating myself for it. Until now. Until I learned that I was a huge mistake to him. Oh, and where did I learn about this? On his stupid facebook status. Finding out that he needs to reevaluate his decisions again. And to make it worse, a ton of people on his wall keep asking him what he did to make him feel that way. It's nice to know that it's you. It's not just that he thinks it was a mistake, but that he was telling the whole freaking world about it. I just hope he hasn't told anyone that it was me. It's not even about naming my name. It's to be "some girl." Just knowing it's you, it really makes you feel so great about yourself. And to find out that way. I knew, too, it didn't mean anything, and wasn't going to start acting like I wanted to be his girlfriend or anything. I don't know if it was the smartest thing to call him out on it in that message, but I had to. I'm hurt, and he should know it, know that he was being a jerk by putting it out there like that. This is exactly why I had stopped doing this kind of thing and was waiting until I was in a relationship. So much for that. Guess I just got caught in the moment, again. One more lesson I will try to learn from. Now, just got to try to not let it ruin my day.

If everyone cared, and nobody cried...

Doing ok this week. Tried to not feel like my life was so incredibly horrible, because I honestly know that it's not. It's just hard to not feel that way sometimes. Not that I've had an exciting week. I have been working, well more like trying to work, on my scrapbook/design stuff in the evenings. So, at least I've had a chance to do that. Hmm, not much else right now. Just looking forward to a long, 3 day weekend, which will end up not being long enough!

Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need

I am sooo bored with my life. I need some excitement, a change. Not too much of a change, but something different. I realized yesterday how ironic it is for me to be feeling this way at this exact time. I was up in D.C. during this time last year interviewing for jobs and thinking about moving there! It was weird too, how Chris contacted me a few weeks ago and wanted to be friends again--right before it was to be two years. So weird. Maybe it's just the time of year? Or I've been doing this for too long and realized I'm not satisfied and want something more. I do want something more. I haven't wanted to admit it because I feel so guilty about it, but I'm not happy with my situation. I feel like working here is just that--it's just a job. Not a possible career, which I guess I should be working towards? It's still all so surreal. It's only been a year, but it feels like forever. And I keep viewing it as, what do I have to look forward to? And that's not a good outlook on life. When you're just trying to get by day-to-day, living the same thing over and over again. And I keep thinking about how this is going to be what it's like for the rest of my life. And I really don't want to feel that way anymore. I've just got to get over my fear of change, because that's what's really holding me back.

There's a million things I wish I didn't do

Well, so far today I've managed not to freak out about anything. Or start to cry. Guess that's a good thing! I was really disappointed that I didn't get to go out last night, because I really wanted to. We'll see if I do tonight. I just can't get completely out of control like I have been lately. Because I can't miss work or go home early. Plus, I would like to remember my night, and I certainly didn't last Thursday. It's probably not so good that you don't ever remember being at the place you went out to...luckily, we were very smart and had someone sober drive us or get a cab. If not tonight, I'd like to go to happy hour tomorrow. But doubt that'll happen. For one thing, I can't get in touch with Ania. And second, she probably won't want to go in the first place. I'm just so confused in my life. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm absolutely miserable. I can't seem to figure out what I want, but what's new? I sometimes wonder if I will ever know. Part of me wants to move away to a big city. But part of me doesn't, and knows that I'm not ready. A major thing is that I don't want to go alone. I'm so tired of being alone, of doing everything by myself. I want to have someone to share the experience with. And I'm not exactly talking about a boyfriend. Just a friend. Someone who wants to be around me and spend time with me. It's lonely when you have no one to talk to. :(

Don't let me be the last to know

Nothing like your horoscope to completely put things in perspective. These things are so freaky sometimes. Maybe it's a good thing I just decided to go through my mail and happen to open it.

The outcome of this situation is pretty much up to you. If you decide to make a big deal about it, it'll end up being as dramatic and over-the-top as a soap opera. Think about it -- you do have alternatives.

Completely applies to my breakdowns that have been occuring lately, especially today. And just a few minutes ago, where I was hating my life like crazy. And saying how boring it is. Which, for the most part is true. Bed time now. That's what I mean by boring.

I just want to scream and lose control

I just can't seem to figure out what I want. And it's so frustrating. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm a complete mess. But then, when I'm feeling calm again, I just blame it on me overreacting. Sometimes I think I am, but am I really? These feelings come from somewhere inside of me where I'm feeling unsettled, unhappy. Maybe I'm afraid of change, which is why I keep saying that I don't really mean those things. I keep trying to convince myself that it's not so bad after all, but then I succumb to those breakdowns. Emotions that are not just coming out of nowhere. Part of me really does want to move away to a big city or travel around the world. But the thing that keeps me from it is doing it on my own. Being alone. It's not that I'm afraid of doing it on my own, but the fact that I'd be alone. And I'm tired of always being by myself and not sharing some experience with someone. And I'm not necessarily talking about a guy, but a friend as well. I had a big cry about this Saturday night. After I didn't get to go out after all. All I want is to be happy--no, content--with my life. That's something I continue to struggle with each day. Including today.

You know it's over before it begins

So I give up on him. I stopped trying last week, even after he called me. I called him back like he asked--he never called me back. Not that night, not the next day. Guess he didn't mean it? But what was the point of even asking in the first place? That's what pisses me off. But I never called him. If he wanted to, he would call me. Saw him on Friday when we went over to Durel's place. Didn't mention anything; just acted like nothing had ever happened. He said he'd give me a call later to see what we were up to that night. Wasn't really expecting him to follow through. Ended up seeing him a second time back at their place when we went to pick Durel up this time; he seemed to act kind of strange. He came out, and hovered around me. I couldn't tell if he was trying to talk to me or what. I talked with him some, but it was like he was trying to talk to me more and he didn't really know what to do. He asked me if I was going out the next night, and I said probably not, and he was like, are you sure? I said I don't know, he said he'd give me a call. Definitely thought that was a joke, because I knew I'd never get that call. And I was right. But whatever. I don't need him. He never could have provided me with what I want. So that's that. Not that it doesn't suck.

I picture them all alone

Why am I so jealous? I can't help but wonder if I'm being played. I'm trying to not let it get to me and ignore this feeling, but at the same it makes me really suspicious. I can't tell anyone, because they'll just say I'm being dumb and overreacting. But how would you feel if you liked a guy, and he "supposedly" likes you & you're talking/seeing/who knows what the fuck we're doing with him, and there's this girl who is constantly talking and flirting and leaving him messages? Yeah, it makes me insecure. Especially because I don't know what is going on, what his intentions are. I called him back like he said to do after I was done with the gym, but I never heard back from him. Doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I'm really wondering if he'll call me today and still want to go to dinner with me. God, I hate this! I just go absolutely crazy whenever I get involved with a guy--and not in a good way. At first, I'm completely elated. But then, the worst in me starts to seep out--especially my insecurity. I become so paranoid that he doesn't like me, that it's over with him. Why do I get like this? I just hope he keeps good on his offer. Because I'm not going to take being second to some other girl, even if it is just a friend. I deserve to be given attention, and will not be ignored. The ball's back in his fucking court, like it always is.

I can have another you in a minute

Well, now I feel stupid for another reason! He called me, finally :) Thank God I haven't been trying to contact him, because then I would have looked psycho (and if anyone knew how I was feeling, haha). But, I guess this is the normal progression of things. How it's supposed to be. Glad I slowed down (in my actions, not my head!). Of course, it doesn't seem like it the way I've been writing on here. I don't know why I do it to myself--getting all worked up. I guess it's because I really didn't think he'd call again. But this is what real dating is, I suppose? So he does still like me, and does want to see me. That's all I needed to know. And we're going to go to dinner either tomorrow night or friday. I think I prefer Friday. That way, the night doesn't have to end! I just feel so much better now. Relieved.

Just do it with love

Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That's how I feel. Dumb for falling again, for ever thinking this time was different. I'm not an idiot--I know when a guy is pulling away. Especially when you know he's talking to other girls. And not you. What an idiot I am. Again, it's over before it ever began. In the span of a fucking week. In a way, it's like if a 19-year-old guy doesn't like a hot 23-year-old, then that's his problem. But then again, it's another disappointment. What the hell do I do wrong? It has to be me. Something about me, the way I act, what I say. Every single time this happens. Nothing. I never get a chance. Never. I shouldn't have tried to get him to go to spring weekend. I shouldn't have said that stuff about going because of me. Because of course, what guy would do anything for me?

This love is killing me but you're the only one

I finally admitted to someone else--and myself--that I really don't like my job. I think I'm going to start looking around for another one or maybe even look into going back to school. I want to be happy and like what I do, but the truth is, and I can't keep denying it, I don't. But I still feel so guilty about it. And I don't know what's going to happen with Alex. I'm slowing down so I don't scare him away. And I'm not going to talk to him again until he contacts me or it's been a few days. No, have to wait until he wants to call or talk to me. Otherwise, I get the hint.

You know what I want? I want someone who thinks I'm special. Who talks to me and sees me differently from every other girl he knows. Someone whose face lights up when he talks about me or hears my name. Someone who wants to spend time with me--but not all their time. I'm not trying to take them away from their friends or their life--I just merely want to enhance it. And, of course, their life would be much better with me in it, anyways. Someone who would break plans once in a while just because he knows I really want to see him, like I stupidly have done for guys who didn't deserve it in the past. Someone that I can trust, and finally lose this insecurity that he really doesn't like me or is going to leave. Someone who remembers the little things and calls just because he wants to hear my voice and know that I'm here. Someone that actually wants to be my boyfriend, and proves it through his actions. I know I'm dreaming, though. I don't know why it works out for some, and never for me. I really just need to know about Alex. What does he want? I can't do this too much longer. I'm already in too deep, or at least that's how I feel. I just can't take another disappointment. Does he like just me? Or is he just taking what he can get right now before something better comes along. I am not one of those girls, and I refuse to be that to someone.

What goes around comes around

In another crappy mood so far today. Guess I wasn't able to shake off yesterday's down-in-the-dumps mood. Hopefully I'll feel better later. I know that hearing from a certain someone will put a smile on my face (that is, if he doesn't give me bad news). I didn't talk to him yesterday. Which is ok, because it's better that we don't talk every single day at this point. That could make him think things are getting way too serious and he'd run away like every other guy. But still, I would have liked to. But I refrained from calling or messaging him. I did send him a little good morning message today, though. Just to say hi and see what he was up to this evening and if he wanted to hang out (code word for makeout, haha). The whole spring weekend thing is still stressing me out a little bit, because it's all up in the air for me. Ania never called me back, even after I tried to get in touch with her. I just hope she wasn't avoiding my call because there was bad news. Why can't I just think on the positive side? I want this day to be over before it even begins. Not necessarily because of not going to work tomorrow (well, partly), but because I just don't want to be here at work right now. All I can think of is how I'm going to get through the day--9 fucking hours doing stuff I don't want to be doing. Or nothing at all. Just feeling blah and so fucking insecure. I hate it so much. I wish I could believe in myself more. It comes and goes. Right now, it's gone.

I can't let myself be happy, without thinking that it won't last or that something just isn't right.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

So I was wrong. That was not my last freakout of the day. Trying to calm down right now from another one. Except it was brought on not by a boy, but my plans for the weekend. It wasn't supposed to be so difficult. I don't know why it is, but now I'm all worried that I won't be able to get a band and I'll be stuck there by myself, unable to join in on the fun. It's just frustrating. I always have to be left out. I don't understand why they were able to use someone else's spot, and why I wasn't. Doesn't make any sense. It's just one rollercoaster of a day. Up and down, up and down. Feeling fine one minute, the next I just want to break down and cry. I just want it to be over with. And I want to hear from Alex. I need some cheering up.

Our lips can touch

Stop it. Stop it RIGHT NOW. Why am I doing this to myself? I have absolutely NO reason in the world to be upset or to burst into tears. This fear just swept over me. My insecurities just flooded my head and all I could think of was the worst-case scenario: that he really doesn't like me. Honestly, how do I just go from one high, to a complete low, for absolutely no reason, and no provocation? Everything is fine. Stupid facebook walls and dumb girls who are always making comments. It's my fault. ALL MY FAULT. For any doubt that I may feel. I am the cause of it all. We were messaging back and forth all afternoon. After HE had sent me a text saying he had a good time last night. Then, HE calls me later in the evening to tell me something that he just saw--with ME in it. For him to see that video of me dancing drunk, he had to be talking ABOUT ME with the person who showed him the video. And he obviously just had to tell me he had seen that...me making a complete fool of myself! So why the sudden freakout?? Why can't I just have enough confidence in myself to believe that he does like me, and only me? I mean, who did he get out of bed for to go meet me at 12:30am where I was out? Who just randomly texts me that he's bored, when he himself can't read texts? And who, when asked to hang out this week, immediately suggested that very same night? Who became touchy-feely with me? Who didn't want me to stop kissing him and leave? Who asked if he could stay the night again? Who said he could keep kissing me all night? Who might that be who did all of this?? HE DID. And what happened to feeling different with him--for real? I still do. I do believe he likes me. But it's still up in the air about what that means, so it's making me question everything. It's driving my insecurity, which, if I don't get in control, will destroy everything. But, it's all remained just in my head. It originated there, and it will die there, because nothing real exists that should make me feel otherwise. Let that be my last freakout. You know I had to at least have one, or else this wouldn't be me.

I'm happy and I can thank myself

That stupid insecurity of mine is starting to creep up on me again. Just gotta keep telling myself to ignore it, that there's nothing to worry about. And if anything, that will ruin things if I let it go to far. It's just the stage that I'm in right now. Things have begun, are going really well...but I can't tell what is coming next. I'm approaching the fork in the road, and it's not my choice which way I go. That's up to him. I'm trying to not focus on the negative. Don't think about the bad. Right now, I really don't want to, either. It's just at times, it pops up in my mind and I start questioning things--his words, his actions. Over-analyzing the situation. Typical me. But I don't feel as crazy as I did when things were happening with Chris. Maybe because I was going through a lot emotionally that I couldn't control. Or maybe because this guy is just different. I just have to keep going slow, keep my confidence up, and if things don't happen to work out, well, then that's that and eventually it will with someone. Of course, some tears may be shed at some point. But for now, the smile still hasn't faded. And he sent me a text saying he had a good time last night :) Let him come to me...

I can see us holding hands...

I don't care how tired I may feel today, it is beyond worth it! Wow...I don't think I've ever had a makeout session like that before. I've never felt like I did, nor had someone put so much passion and intensity into it. And hands didn't even wander to unwanted places! That was definitely nice, not having to worry about going further or feeling like I should. It also shows it wasn't simply about sex. Because if that's all that he wanted, well, he would've tried. And I don't feel like that's all he wants from me at some point in the future, either. It's so exciting...but also very scary! Exciting for the possibilities that this may hold. Scary for the way I'm already falling so fast and not wanting to get hurt--again. Right now, I don't feel too worried. But I'd definitely like to know where I stand and what he's about. I just know he didn't want to leave me last night :) And we could've kissed for hours and hours more, except we both knew I had to go to sleep. But it's our little joke--being tired the next day is worth it for having a good night. I definitely agree.

I wish that I could be like I was before

Uh-oh. This is not good. I think I'm starting to fall for him...I know it's too soon--way too soon. I don't even know if he likes me. Or wants anything more. But I just can't seem to help myself! It seems like he might, but that's just it: things aren't always what they seem to be. And I know that fact very well, which is why I don't want to get attached. Yet. This early. Part of me is saying just go with it, let yourself fall for him. But the other (smarter) side of me is saying you're just setting yourself up for another disappointment and heartbreak. Maybe it's because I'm just liking the attention I'm getting right now. Or maybe it's because I see the potential that this could be. Stupid crushes! I just know that I can't get too involved, because I'll end up being hurt. And feeling really dumb because I know what will eventually become of this: nothing. I don't want to think so negatively, and I really am not, but it's naive to think otherwise. It's not that I want for nothing to happen, it's just that I've lost faith in believing that a guy will ever want to be in a relationship with me. And I'm even more hesitant with this guy because he's younger than me and we're in different places in our lives. I've got expectations about what I want, and I'm not settling for less. I want a relationship, and I'm not going to waste my time anymore with guys who don't want that with me. It's not asking for too much. It's simply that I know what I want now and am sticking to it. I don't want anymore hook-ups or one-night-stands. Been there, done that, moving on. I can't pretend that I'm not looking for more, because I am. I'm reading too much into this. But really, I'm not. I'm just trying to protect myself and not get caught up in my feelings. I hate having my guard up like this because it's not me at all. I'm so used to just throwing myself into a crush. But I just can't ignore past experiences, because I've learned this lesson all too well. I just really, really hope that he keeps giving me a reason to smile, because that's all I'm asking for.

And we play all night

Oh, and I just remembered he also said something about during the day he thinks about hanging out with me, but then he's like, she's at work! So sweet :) And another thing, on a different topic...I did it. I signed up to be a Big Sister. Now I just have to wait for a call back to go through the process. I'm actually really excited about it!

You're not the person that I once knew

Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall. Oh, but it's so hard not to! Especially when you're still riding that high from a good night! I can't get my hopes up, no matter how much I want to. Good indicators of maybe something more, but you never can tell. I've felt that way about a lot of nights in the past, always feeling like "this guy is different." Well, maybe this time he is different from all the others. But I can't read into that much, otherwise I'll just be setting myself up for disappointment. I think I'd like him to be different, but I can't jump the gun. Got to keep going slow like we have. No obsessive drunk phone calls! Definitely a huge no-no! He doesn't seem to care too much about the age difference, at least I didn't get that vibe last night. And it's not because he was drunk, because he wasn't (he only had like 2 beers--he's a big guy so that does nothing to him!). And he literally got out of bed just to come hang out with me. That definitely has mean something. But trying not to let it go to my head...he did say something about being here this summer, and having to do with seeing him...hmmmm. The possibilities of what that may or may not mean. And he was the one who contacted me yesterday after a few days, and wanted to know what I was doing that night, and when I had plans asked me about the weekend (even though he's going out of town...not really sure why he asked that). He was the one who said we needed to hang out, and when he was about to not make it out, said we must next week. He obviously wanted to see me. That's not really looking into it too much, is it? But that's what girls do. We over-analyze everything when it comes to guys. Every little word, every little action/non-action. It's hard not to. And why guys always seem to be so oblivious, I have no idea. So now it's all about waiting and seeing what happens. Joy!

I want to make a difference in someone's life. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I need some purpose. I need to do something worthwhile. I've never been good with kids, but for some reason I feel like I want to volunteer with kids. Not too young, though. Still probably won't be any better at interacting with them, but I want to be a mentor to someone. It wouldn't take a lot of time. But I think it would help me a lot, as well as a young kid.

This is how you remind me

Another day, another long, boring day at work. That's my life these days--work. Work, but doing nothing but sitting at a computer all day. And occasionally actually doing something interesting. Other than that, I try and find things to interest me. Mainly just browsing on the Internet, getting ideas about things that I can make and do. The problem is, I get all these great ideas that I really want to do, but then when I go home, I don't get anywhere because it means I have to be on the computer again. Plus, I only have like 2 hours between coming home from the gym, eating, taking a shower, and before you know it, it's bedtime. So I rarely get anything done then. So much wasted time. I feel guilty though for not liking my job. The environment and people are great. Where else would I be able to work and wear the clothes that I do? I love not having to get dressed up for work--at least in business attire. But I dread having to come to work. I usually get by the mornings ok, but by lunch, not only am I starving, but I absolutely have to get out of the office. This has contributed to some not-so-good habits: tanning and shopping. I'm not quitting, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. I am not challenged at all. I feel like--no, I know--I could be doing so much more with all the talents I have. But then I have to tell myself to put things in perspective. This is my first job ever, afterall, and it hasn't been even a year yet. And what the heck else would I be doing? The money is what really keeps me going for the most part. It's decent for my first job, and I kind of need it since I'm supporting myself now. But after a year, I want a raise. I'm an incredibly smart, gifted, and talented 23 year old who could be doing so much more for the minimum I'm being paid. It's just getting annoying, and I keep lashing out, especially after drinking, about how I hate working and having responsibilities. I'm too responsible--that's my problem. No time for fun. Just getting up fucking early and being so tired all day and then going to the gym and then going home and sleeping. No time for anything else. I'm too tired to do anything else at night and simply find myself just not wanting to do anything. But there's so much that I do want to do. It just sucks. Responsibility fucking sucks.

I can have another you in a minute

It's not easy to change. I'm not talking about a huge, drastic change here. Even making small changes isn't so easy. I just don't know how to get to where I want to be. The process has been so slow, and I feel like I've gotten nowhere. I'm still stuck in the same place, and pretty much feel the same way. I just can't get used to it. Working. Every single day. What do I have to look forward to tomorrow? Work, the gym, and home. Repeat Monday through Friday. I mean, what can I do during the week, really? I don't have much time. And it's not a good idea to go out, with having to get up at 6:30am. Plus, I'm so tired by the time I get home. I don't want to do anything or see anyone. At least, I don't feel like making much of an effort. Maybe that's the problem? Even just throwing on some clothes and driving over to my friend's place to hang out for a little while? But that requires me showering, putting clothes on, maybe even makeup (because you never know who might show up or already be there), and getting in my car and driving the 5 minutes there. Not to mention driving home. It just seems like so much work, when all I want to do is nothing. Well, not really. I want to do something, I just don't know what! It's so frustrating. Everyone else is on spring break right now. I don't get a break. But I'm not in college anymore. Still, it's the first time in my life I haven't had a spring break. Even though I never did anything and still would be feeling lonely and left out even if I had one. Because I know I wouldn't have some fun trip to go on. Everyday is just so...routine. And boring. I still can't tell if it's just me, or the job. Maybe I don't want to admit it's the job because it is a good position for my first one ever and I feel guilty not liking it. But I don't know if I dislike it. Or am I in denial? I need to be challenged. That's what a big part of it is. It's too easy, too simple, and not enough for me to do. I don't know. Then again, maybe it really is me and this stupid funk I've been in forever. And if I didn't work, what would I be doing then? More questions, not enough answers.

The pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion

I know the truth now. It hurt, but at the same time, it was a huge relief to finally know. Now, I just have to figure out how I want to proceed from here, if I do at all. We had a long talk last night, probably the longest phone conversation I've ever had (over an hour). I had no idea that it would lead to where it did, but somehow we just ended up there. Partly because I knew I had some things I needed to say, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Of, I was crying. Because he was saying things that were so true, but things that I can't help, or are trying to change. He wasn't being mean, just saying how he felt--that I was always nervous around him, and that he wasn't used to being around quiet people like me. There it is again. Me being a quiet person is screwing things up once again. No one understands. And that's what I tried to tell him, that he doesn't know me and that's just how I am. Yes, at first I was nervous being around him. But I don't feel like I am now. I don't know how to just 'hang out.' It's not something I've ever really done. I've never had people that wanted to, and here's another one. I ended up flat out asking him what was going on, where we were heading, because we were leading up to it, even going around it in ways. I just wanted a straight answer. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now. That may not be the case down the line, but right now, he just likes 'hanging out' with me. Nothing serious. And I told him that's not what I want. That I won't wait around for him to decide. He wants to be friends still, if I don't want to continue on. Like that we'd still hang out and talk to each other, but nothing further than that. I told him that I didn't know if I could; I still don't know. I never have. I'm not friends with any of the guys that I have ever liked. Friendly, yes, but actual friends who still do things together, definitely not. It'd be so much easier if I didn't like him. Then I could say, yeah, we can be friends with no problem. But I do have feelings for him, so it's not that way. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do. Mom says I should be friends with him, not completely go out of my life, because I may meet one of his friends and it may click (little does she know that that's completely out of the question). Just keep continuing on and see what happens. I told him I'd still call him today, and obviously that will mean something about what I want, where this may lead. Part of me feels like it's hopeless to continue on; but then again, I think about maybe if I just let him get to know me better, he'll want more. If he doesn't think I'm a complete psycho or someone he wishes he hadn't gotten involved with. He does want to see me still. That's one of the last things he said last night. At least he did at that time. But I don't want to be someone he only feels like seeing when he wants to. That's not even dating--it's nothing but hooking up, if that's what is going on, or just being friends. Maybe I should just see for a little bit longer. And if I continue to have the same feelings of frustration towards the way he acts, then I can just move on. But I have to be careful.

Like the time that we kissed and you gave me a lie

He didn't call me today. In a moment of weakness, I ended up calling him, but it went straight to voicemail and didn't ring. So I don't think he knows that I called. Then I tried again a little while later. Same thing. I feel so stupid. For calling. For thinking that he'd answer. But also on a much larger scale. For actually thinking I might have a chance for once. That someone would actually stick around. But the truth is, I never believed it would happen right from the start. That's why I was so cautious with everything--partly because I was trying to do things differently, and because I was protecting myself from getting hurt. So much for that. He reassured me that it was ok. That I could call and he wouldn't mind. That he wanted me to be me, and not act any differently. He said he'd never hurt me like all the others. I knew he couldn't really keep that promise, because it's not a fair one. So I never really took it to heart. But the fact that he said he didn't want to, well I thought that meant something. I thought he cared about me. But something changed towards me in him. I have no idea what it was. I was told he was absolutely crazy about me, that I didn't have to worry. Mom said that maybe he's scared. I just don't know why he was leading me on. Ania talked to his best friend, and he said he's not the kind to lead a girl on, and that he seemed to like me. So what is up then? Why doesn't he want to spend time with me? Obviously it's not about sex. At least he's not using me for that, because if he was, he'd want to be seeing me just for that reason. I'm trying so hard to pick up that phone and dial his number. At the same time, I keep listening for it to ring, for his name to show up on the screen. I hope for it so much, but I know it's never going to happen. He won't call. And if by some chance he does, it won't be because he actually wants to hang out. I feel so alone and unwanted. Another guy who doesn't want to get to know me. And I thought this one just might have. I just can't take it anymore. I'll never be able to trust anyone. It's going to take a lot for me to believe that the next one actually cares and likes me. This one hasn't, and although it hurts like hell to admit it, he won't.

You took me around the block, but I couldn't stop I thought it was real

I am just so sad. I can't stop crying. He keeps making me cry, and I don't know why I keep letting him hurt me like he is. It's because I've fallen. I didn't want to, and I knew that it would end up this way, me miserable and crying and incredibly hurt. Another boy slips through my fingers before I ever really get a chance. Not going to have a boyfriend again this time. What is wrong with me????? I seriously cannot take this anymore. I'm not capable of handling these emotions. They're drowning me in my own sorrow and I can barely see the surface as I struggle to come up for air. I never had much hope in the first place. How will I ever have any ounce that it will ever work out now? EVERY SINGLE ONE has turned out this way. It will never be any different. What's the point in trying?

I want to believe in you

After all my worrying and freaking out, I really don't think there's any reason to feel so insecure about him. He's not going anywhere anytime soon. It's just the way he talks. Not specifically about the future, but just how he says things like you know you can talk to me. I feel much more comfortable after last night, especially after the conversation that we had. I'm trying to let myself trust him more. I never had any real reason to doubt him--just past experiences to get in the way and ruin things. It's not worth all the stress that I put myself through--unnecessarily. So from here on out, I'm going to try to be more rational, and keep my crazy emotions under somewhat control. I can't completely guarantee it, but the least I can do is try. Don't get me wrong, I know I will continue to be frustrated by his dumb boy behavior (hello, it would be nice if you called me back), but who wouldn't be? On the other hand, part of me is wanting to still be really cautious. And I am, to a certain extent. Not going to push any "girlfriend" stuff on him. Just continuing to see where we're headed and take it day by day. But I will make one thing clear: I will not put up with any crap from him, should anything start. Because it's not worth my time when I could be out looking for someone else.

Ok, so I may feel a little stupid right now...

I'm sorry I have to say it but it looks like you're sad

I feel like I've been here a million times before. That's because I have. He's suddenly disappeared on me. Out of complete no where. Something's up with him. After we've been talking/texting almost every day since he's been gone, it's definitely unusual for him to not call me or to not call me back. I'm freaking out about it, and it's really upsetting and worrying me. I don't know what's going on. I don't understand how this could be happening to me--AGAIN. Part of me wants to believe that maybe something's wrong with his phone, or he's just busy and hasn't had a chance to call back. But the realist in me knows what's really going on--it's over. I feel so stupid for ever believing anything that he said, especially that he wanted to continue after the break. I was so hesitant, so reluctant to open up to him for fear of getting hurt again. I was more cautious than I have ever been with any guy to try to avoid this exact situation I find myself facing. Maybe I'm overreacting to nothing. Maybe nothing has changed about the way he feels about me, and I'm being super-paranoid. But I don't know. I really just don't know how else to feel. Had I not been at this point so many times before, maybe I wouldn't feel so scared. But the fact is, the past is affecting how I'm feeling right now, and I can't help it. All I can see is a guy leaving again.