Let me take you on the ride of your life...that's what I said alright

Wow. So much has happened in the past 4 days. So incredibly much. I had the best weekend I've had well, in I do not know how long. And I'm not talking about just one day, but the entire 3 days! Ok, so here's a rundown on what's happened--just briefs for now.

And the biggest news is....ANIA AND I MADE UP! Yes, that's right. We talked some (not completely, but we went over that night and cleared up some things and noted things we have to work on), and also went out that same night and had so much fun. We went on a "rockstar" waltz of one of her sister's and were just taking random pictures with hot guys....had a pretend bet going on. There was one guy I spotted that I thought was cute and got his number and a drunk dial from him on Saturday night, lol.

So Friday, went to happy hour first at Potbelly's. The only problem there was that I wasn't really there with anybody. I hung out with Rachel, which was slightly awkward, but not too bad. Saw Michelle, the girl I wanted to go with but couldn't get in touch with there. Then I went on to happy hour/dinner at Andrew's with Meghan. That was a lot of fun.

Saturday: TOGA PARTY! It was Ania's friend's birthday. We went out that afternoon and got stuff for our outfits. Let me just say, I looked soooooo incredibly hot. I think hotter than I have ever looked. Well, it was one of the top times. I was wearing practically nothing! hahaha. Made out with a new guy...well, except he's not entirely new, just a friend of Ania's who I've hung out with before, but don't really know. And it's because he's good friends with Ania that he came home with us and I got to make out with him! I don't like him or anything, but it was fun anyways.

Sunday: The plan was for Ania to make breakfast and then for us all (me, Ania, Micah--that's him, and Matt) to go to the rez to lay out. Ended up taking forever to eat, and Ania and I just layed out by her apartment's pool for an hour instead. Post the pics on facebook from the toga party, and wait for the comments to come!

And guess who has said some things? Well, Micah said we were so hot. Then Jason (!) said hey, what's up, haven't talked to you in a while, hope you have a good weekend, ttyl. He was thinking about me! Or he saw the pics and was like, damn, what am I missing! Haha, so I don't know. At least he still wants to talk to me. I wasn't sure if he ever wanted to again. Not that I had any indication of that, just that is how it always seems to go with me. But maybe not this time. Maybe he wasn't sure if he should call...like remember when he didn't after that time? Said he felt like such a jerk so he just couldn't call? Maybe he didn't know. But I wrote him back today, tried to be cute again. But dumb me can't send it the first time I write it when it's right, so what I say the second time is slightly messed up. I said: hey! yeah i guess it's been a week, lol...but all ya gotta do is call ;) anyways, thanks for thinking of me and i hope you have a great day! Not bad...but I realized I meant to say "had to do" instead of "gotta do." Oh well. Maybe he won't notice. Just hope I didn't scare him away with that. But I thought it was sweet and cute...was it not?? Final comment so far: from Matt. Yes, that Matt. The one from that summer, who lives down the street. The one I secretly had a crush on forever. I wondered if I could possibly hear from him. His message was cute: holy crap, girl! I still remember the shy Mallory that would walk down my street...by the way, looking pretty hot.....Another one to smile about! Oh, the picture by the way is of me funneling beer in my sexy toga--actually, this was just a posed pic, one of those that are "so going on facebook!"

And that is pretty much it. Still in need of spring break plans. Time is running out and I don't know what to do. I'll probably freak out again tomorrow. I think I want to go out as well. Afterall, it is Mardi Gras. Wish me luck, please!

I know I am such a rollercoaster, aren't I?!

Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


nothing could more perfectly describe me right now

And now my mind is screaming out I've gotta keep on fighting, but then again it doesn't end

I try and I try and I try. I don't know what more I can do. I called three girls tonight. Couldn't get a hold of any of them. And now there's no one left to call. I just wanted to go to our social tonight. I thought about giving up. I was about to. But then I called one more person. I did, when I wasn't. I'm tired now, and I just want to go to sleep. But think about the choices you make, I said. You could choose to stay in and feel sorry for yourself. Or you could call this girl and go to the social and have a lot of fun. Remember regrets? How many of them I have? It all comes down to the decisions that you make. So I called. But I knew in the back of my head I wouldn't get an answer. I left a message, so maybe she'll call back soon when it's not too late. Because I don't want to wait too much longer. Because I'll just go to sleep instead. All the fun has been sucked out...when you have to keep calling people, or you have to wait on them to call you back...you just get discouraged and don't want to bother with it anymore. All the work takes out all the fun or the anticipation you have. I don't care about going out anymore tonight. I just want to go to sleep...let the day be over with only to start a new one wondering what you're going to do that night and if you'll have anyone to do anything with. Maybe my luck will change. By some miracle maybe I will get in touch with someone who's going out tomorrow night. I'm trying not to give up all hope. But it's getting very, very hard.

Thought you were something different...that's when it all just fell apart

I am missing out on so much. On Everything. I am watching my life pass me by. I wish I could say that I could look back and have no regrets, but I do. I have so many. And not all by choice. Like tonight...I just wanted to go out, have some fun. But like everytime I want to do this, it doesn't happen. I can't get in contact with anyone, or no one's going out, or I only have 1 person to call. Today, it's the first scenario. And tomorrow I'm going to see facebook pictures or wall posts of everyone's night out tonight and how they had so much fun. While I look on, jealous. Yes, I am jealous. Why? Because they all have friends. People who want to be around them. I have neither. This was supposed to be THE semester...the one that made up for all my missed opportunities of the past. Where I could really live it up. But I guess my expectations are just too high or unrealistic. I've barely been out this year. I will say that the last 3 times I have been out, I've had so much fun and it's been exactly what I've been wanting, but that's only 3 times out of 8. Yes, 8. I counted out everytime I went out. In 2 months. Not exactly what I had planned. But I also didn't plan on losing my so-called best friend, either. I just wish I was one of those girls. Those girls that I constantly see with friends. Always having something to do. Someone to do something with. Someone who wants to do something with them. And I'm not talking about being popular. It's not that. It's just people with friends. And they're everywhere. And I am sooo jealous that I do not have that. I want that so incredibly much. I've cried more than I ever should have this year. And I'm still crying. And hurting inside. It's more than just hurt. It's a pain. A longing for something more. Something much more. I'm trying. I'm honestly trying. I'm just apparently one of those people that's just destined to never have any friends. Two or three of them. That's all I want. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're not wanted by anyone. That people don't think about you. They forget about you. They don't care about you. Where can I find someone who DOES care? Who DOES want to call me, without me having to always call them first? It's so hard when everyone already has their group of friends or their own best friend. How are you supposed to break through? If you want to know what lonely looks like, just look into my eyes and you'll see it.

I'm feeling lost when I'm in your arms

Shipwrecked: SO MUCH FUN!!! It was such as great night. But more about that later. Just wanted to say that. Oh, and the Veronicas...my favorite group of the moment. Can't stop listening to their cd. I'm tired!

Every little thing that you say or do

It's 3:30am and I'm WIDE AWAKE. Again for the millionth time this week. I'll be so happy once Saturday night arrives...because after that, maybe I'll actually be able to sleep through the night! Oh, I called Jason today. And there was absolutely nothing to worry about. The things that get into my heads sometimes and how I just freak myself out...crazy! Ok, maybe I should try and fall back to sleep. Gotta find an outfit tomorrow for the big day!

Let's get drunk, you can drive us to the harbor, wish upon a star but do you know what stars are?

Why am I listening to sad breakup/heartbreak music? I have no idea. I guess they're just songs I haven't listened to in a while...and I just decided to see what I had in that playlist I made a long time ago (last summer). Soooooo....I want Saturday to come soooooo bad! I can't even sleep! I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't fall back to sleep for at least 2 hours! Ummm not a good thing. I wrote on his wall today. I just wanted to write something cute just because. I said "ready to get shipwrecked? only 3 more days...get excited!" I'm such a dork, but I thought it was cute. I wanted to post it last night, but wasn't sure it was such a good idea, it being Valentine's Day...so with mom's advice, I waited until today. It literally took me forever to hit that "post" button. I was so nervous, wondering if I should even do that. Yeah, and I asked my mom if I should do it at all. She thought it was cute, but definitely to wait until today. I wonder if he's gonna say something back. I was going to call him and talk to him about what to wear, but I decided I'm going to wait until tomorrow, since I posted that thing today. Don't want to overwhelm him or think I'm wanting much more, or just plain don't want to scare him off. And god am I worried about that. More than I have ever been. Not because I like him more than any other guy--heck, I don't even know if I like-like him, I've just got a physical thing going right now--it's just that, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, do something to make them go away just like that. Whether it's something I say or do, even if I do not even realize it, that's it. And goodbye--never to hear from them again. It's just sooooo hard. I hate how it's so complicated and this stupid game. Why I really didn't call him tonight? Because I chickened out. What if he doesn't want to go with me anymore? That would absolutely CRUSH me. I can see it happening though. I don't know why, but just because that's how everything goes with me. I'm really starting to psych myself out right now. Should I call him now????? That probably wouldn't be a good idea. But why not??? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is SOOOOOOO stupid! It really is the longest week ever. I'm afraid I'll call him and he'll say he can't go with me anymore and make up some excuse when he just really doesn't want to go with ME. Why? Because it's me! What if he realizes I'm 2 1/2 years older than him, and he didn't know it before--because I haven't said anything, because I don't care. But what if he does and thinks it's too weird??? I am so scared now. I just want to have a good, fun night with a guy I want to go with. STOP THINKING THIS WAY!!! HE IS GOING WITH YOU AND YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT!!! I think it's too late to call tonight now...ok, so it's only 9:15pm, but who knows what he's doing? I think I'd feel weird calling so late. Maybe he doesn't even know I posted that comment yet. Would he even say anything back? Doubt it. I AM GOING INSANE. This is not fun. I don't want to call and get his voicemail. Because that won't do anything to ease the tension and uneasiness I'm feeling right now. And I'm not talking about calling tonight. But tomorrow. Got to strategically plan out when I'm going to call and what I'm going to say. What am I thinking??? He's not even expecting to hear from me until "later this week" like I told him when I talked to him on Saturday. DUH!! And he'd have to be the BIGGEST JERK in the world to cancel on me in the first place, and secondly, to not call and tell me but leave it until the last minute. Girl, get a grip. If he didn't want to go with you, he never would have said yes. Certainly not "I would love to go with you." But is that what he really said?? I can't remember very well...oh, but I wrote it on here, so he did. I wrote it down when it was fresh in my mind. Yes, I'm rambling. Partly because I have NOTHING to do tonight. Wasting time before I go to sleep. Trying to get myself tired and worn out so I will actually sleep. But with everything going through my head right now, I don't know how sleep will even be possible tonight. Calm has settled in for a second, my mind felt clear for an instant, forgetting all the madness I've been driving myself crazy with. Hmmmmm. Do I feel better now? A little. Got some frustration out. And suddenly it feels as if there's nothing left to say. I think that's a good thing, especially if I'm not talking about that. Thinking about that. But of course I am now because when you say you're not going to think about something, you really are thinking about it. But how can you not? You put the thought at the forefront of your mind. It's there in plain view, so it's hard to ignore. Whoa. If you've ever wanted to get inside my head, this has definitely been your chance. It's only 9:30. Too early to go to bed, yet, nothing to fill the time with. And I don't want to spend anymore time on facebook, because where do I go now instead of Adam's (which, by the way, since I talked about looking that last time, I haven't been back since, and never will, well, never say never, but not for a long time because I don't need to hurt myself like that, especially when I'm feeling so very vulnerable at the moment)?....lost my train of thought after that side remark...oh, yeah...I look at Jason's. One boy has been replaced by another. Not quite the level with Adam, which is a good thing. But still, I want to see if he's on or if he's changed anything or if anyone's said anything to him. Craziness. Just pure craziness. Ok, I think it's time to stop. But I don't want to. But I'm forcing myself. I may be back later. I think I somewhat distracted myself from the aforementioned (sp???) situation. But did I just bring it back up with that thought??? Hmmmmmm.....

Cause we've been too strong for too long

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And once again, I do not have a valentine. But, as of right now, it's not really bothering me too much. I got what I wanted--a date for my date function, and that's enough for now. Not asking for anything more, for fear I will blow another chance again. I'm just anxiously counting down the days until Saturday. Oh how I can't wait for the weekend! Just praying nothing goes wrong...

Every time we touch, I get this feeling...

I HAVE A DATE FOR SHIPWRECKED!!! YAY! I'M SOOOOO HAPPY :) And the lucky guy is....Jason! He said yes! I called him today because I just couldn't take it anymore...I needed to know if he would go with me or not, otherwise I'd have to find another date. So I did just that. Except, he didn't answer, so I had to leave a message. I asked him on the message. I didn't want to, but I didn't want him to think I was calling to ask him out tonight. It's a very delicate situation. I didn't want to blow it this time, because every time I try and talk to a guy again after I see him, I do something to drive him away. Anyways, I was going crazy waiting. I didn't know if he got my message. I didn't know if he just didn't pick up because he didn't want to talk to me. Or he might not have wanted to go, and just wasn't going to call me back. I had no clue! So a few hours pass (almost 3!), and he finally calls. Says he got my message, "and would love to go" with me!. It was so sweet the way he said it. I think I may have said "you will?" and I know I said something like, "oh yay!" I'm a dork, I know. But I'm soooo excited, and I think he is too. I told him the theme was Gilligan's Island-ish, and he was like cool! Yeah, so this definitely made my night. But the bad news is, I'm not feeling so great right now and am praying I'm not getting sick. Please, no! So it's time for some rest and sleep. Goodnight!

If you've ever loved someone then you know just how I feel

I think last night was supposed to happen. I mean, it could have been all completely random. But then again, it just seemed to be too perfect to be so. I needed a really fun, drama-free, makeout-like-crazy-with-a-boy-and-go-home-with-him night. I really did. And I finally got it, after waiting for so long. And now, if only things will continue to be good the rest of the weekend....


OMG!!! I can't believe I forgot to mention this! I did something today that I swore I was never, never, never ever going to do in my life! (Ok so I said that about drinking, too....so much for that!). I WENT TO A TANNING BED. Yes, it's true. I did. I know it's the absolute worst thing for me to be doing to my skin, but I'm soooo sick of being so pale! I don't want to feel so self-concious anymore. Plus, Spring Break is coming up...and now I definitely need to be tan!

Oh, and as of right now I am probably going to (drum roll please)....the BAHAMAS FOR SPRING BREAK!!!! One of the girls I went out with last night has an open spot in their group, and I talked about it with mom today and if the girl is still for sure not going, I will finally be having a REAL spring break for the first and last time of my life! WOOOOOO!!!

And I can't be without you baby

I hate this part. Will he call me? I don't know. I mean, I guess I really didn't expect him to call me today. But I thought he might if he went to happy hour. I felt so pathetic. I kept checking my phone and looking around to see if he was there. But the phone never rang, and he was never there. So will he tomorrow maybe? I just need him to call. Because I want to ask him to be my date for my date function. I mean, he technically agreed last night, but he might not remember, so it really doesn't count. It's driving me nuts!!!

Last night. What can I say? If you were out at Potbelly's, you couldn't miss the two of us making out on the dance floor. Yeah, we went a little overboard. But I don't care. I was living in the moment and having so much fun. And it was nice today to go meet the girls and them being all, so what happened last night with you and him? Did you go home with him? And all those other slightly embarassing questions. But it was so random seeing him at Chubby's, then running into him, literally. He felt really bad about not calling me that night, then he couldn't call me because he felt like a jerk and thought I thought he was just another jerk. Ok, so he still should have called. But, I wanted him, and I didn't care. He obviously wanted to call if you were there last night. And apparently, an outside view reveals that he was so into me, by the way he kept kissing me. I wanted to kiss him just as much, but I think it was even more so on his end. And he went there because of me!!! No, he seriously did! He didn't know where he was going after Chubby's and I said I was going to Potbelly's. He said he might go there. I saw him again right before we left, and he said they were going there too. We got there first, and I'm going crazy wondering if he was actually going to show up. I end up calling him, but he was still trying to find a ride. I told him to call me when he got there. I had to find the inner strength to not call him again. Oh, it was so hard. Then I check my phone and I see I have a missed call at one point, and it was from him! I call him and I ask him where he was, and he was there! I am soooo excited, and go to meet him. I mean, right off, we start kissing. I said something about how I didn't think he'd actually come, and there comes the kiss. And he wasn't around his friends at all, or didn't even say one word about looking for other people he knew. He just danced with me all night. All night. I was so worried I'd lose him after I went to the bathroom once. I didn't. I went home with him. I did. I wasn't about to leave him last night. But no, we didn't, thankyouverymuch. Could have, but it didn't feel right at the time. I'd rather wait. Plus, I didn't want to give it up so easily, you know and look like I was easy or something. This morning...we cuddled. It was so nice being in a guy's arms again. It's been so long. He held me, and didn't push me away, so I think that's a good sign. He took me home. Definitely was awkward. I'm not much of a talking after I wake up in the morning to begin with, and plus, what do you say? I just want to know where he stands. He might have thought after he dropped me off, what the heck was I thinking? I never want to see that girl again. I just hope he doesn't base any decision on how I look when I wake up. Because it's not pretty, especially when I sleep with my makeup on. Hopefully he'll realize that I don't look like that all the time. Please. I think I'm going to end up calling him late afternoon tomorrow to ask him to be my date. It can't hurt to ask, and if he doesn't want to, well then I won't have to deal with him anymore. I just need to know, otherwise I'll be going with the "I'm going with him because I don't have a date to go with" guy I was most likely going to be going with in the first place. I hope he'll say yes. Hey, at the least it's a free evening and t-shirt. But then again, why would he say no to me???

So embarassing: One of his roommates walks into his room this morning and sees us sleeping. Thank goodness I had clothes on, so it could have been a lot worse. Oh, it doesn't stop there, either. His other roommate went to high school with me (my sister's class, though) was out in the apartment when we walked out this morning. That was so embarassing!! It's like, hi....and what he was probably thinking...gosh...and finally, the embarassment ends with this: Remember Matt, the guy I tried to hookup with on New Year's Eve, but I got so wasted I got sick before I could? Well, not only are they in the same fraternity, but they were roommates last year!!! Jason was like, yeah so you know Matt (insert last name here)...I hope he hasn't said anything about that night, because I honestly don't know what happened after that certain point. And it's probably not pretty at all. The humility I have to put up with!

I try and I try and I try. I don't know what else I can do. I seriously don't. It's another night spent home, alone, when all I want to do is just go out and have fun. Maybe next weekend. Yeah, right. And he never called today, either.

And if it's alright, I'll stay until it's later til you tell me that it's time that we moved on

I've been here before. So many times. And I didn't need this again. I can't take it again. How many times does it have to happen before I finally break down for good? I ditched my friends for this tonight. For nothing. I had very low expectations to begin with. It was one of those times where you have a great time and lots of fun, but you wouldn't die if you didn't hear from him again. You'd like to, but you know better than to think otherwise. But then, suprisingly, he does call. And wants to see what you're doing that night. Not quite sure; supposed to be doing something with friends, but it would be earlier and not last too late. So you say you'll give him a call like he asked when you're done. Uh, oh. Someone implants the idea into your head that he may think you're making up that you have plans because you don't want to do anything. And you know your friends would understand (hopefully). So you call him back and tell him that you would like to do something, he says he'll find out what's going on and give you a call back later. You know he won't call for a while. A long while. Besides, it was only 5 'o clock when you talked to him. He calls at nine, you're semi-ready to go out. Not expecting to for at least an hour. He tells you he's out with friends, they're headed to some place to drink, because they've already been out at happy hour. He does apologize and feel bad for not calling earlier. He's just kinda being dragged along by friends. Asks if you want to come where he is, but you don't know what you should do because you're not liking what you're hearing. Disappointment has already set in, and you're beginning to feel pretty hopeless. Tell him you'll call him back when you figure out what you want to do. You don't want to drive there alone to meet him. You'll be by yourself, and you won't be able to drink because you drove your car. You call him back and tell him you don't feel comfortable doing that, he agrees, you ask if he's doing anything afterwards, he says probably. Offers to come pick you up this time. But he has no idea what they're doing. Says once he figures that out, he'll call you and he'll come pick you up and you'll go out. You agree, but you know it won't actually happen. And of course, you wait by the phone all night, because just MAYBE, he will call and you will go out. As the time passes, the hope drains from your body, and you're left feeling empty inside. But because you try and think the best of people, that phone sitting there WILL ring. And even though it won't anymore that night, you'll fall asleep, tears silently falling but trying to be held back, still hoping. But wondering why. Why you? Why again?

I am not upset because I really liked this guy or anything. Because I really don't even know how I feel. I was just giving it a chance. To see. At the most it was getting a shot at a date for my date function. At the least, it was a fun night to be had. I am upset because it happened again. To me. WHY?????? What is it about me that makes people not care? I'm not selfish. I'm not even asking much. But I feel like I'm not important enough to anyone in the world, with the exception of my family, because they don't count. Guys, girls. It doesn't matter. With the way people have been treating me like I'm not worth the effort, it just really gets you down. You lose hope. I give people too much credit. Maybe my expectations are too high. But I don't think so. Just do your part. Make an effort for once. Show me that I mean at least something to you--just saying hi is enough. I didn't want to get upset. And I kind of understand his situation, but then again, I don't. Don't bother to call me if you don't actually intend to do anything with me. It's partly my fault though that I'm sitting here crying on a Friday night again. I could have gone to meet Meghan and Vanessa, but because I believed, foolishly, that this guy actually meant what he said, I didn't. I'm such an idiot. I just can't take this anymore. But I don't know what more I can do. I don't want tomorrow to come. But I want this night to end. I don't want to face the long, empty day, only to have another long, empty night. But that's what it's going to be like. I'll make an effort to try and find someone to go out with, but I'll fail once again. And it doesn't help that Valentine's Day is approaching, or that my spring break is going to suck. Or that I won't have a date to my date function so I'll end up not going. But then again, what's new with that? Someone in this universe just hates me right now, and doesn't want me to be happy or have any fun or let anything good to me happen. I just want to call my mom. But I can't. She'll get mad at me for getting upset, and she'll get upset, too.

The more I think about it, this is just one more reason for me to leave and get away. But I have a feeling it'll end up following me wherever I go. I'll take that chance, though.