I remember when you came with me that night

Why is it that we always seem to want the one who doesn't want us back? I wasn't exactly surprised with they way he felt, but I guess I didn't want to believe that it was actually true. Actions speak louder than words, and his actions were clearly speaking "not interested." I just thought that maybe, just maybe, his feelings had changed. But they haven't, and they won't. I don't like it, but I accept it. It's not worth the time and energy to try and convince him otherwise. Not when there is someone out there who actually is worth the effort, and you won't have to try like you do because they will actually want to be with you. There are so many guys right now. I'm bound to find someone who wants to be with me like I want to be with them. Except he's still there, in the back of my mind, in my heart. But I will let go, he will fade away.

Can someone please tell me why I put up with her shit for so long?? But I'm done with it. I won't take it anymore.

And even when I'm scared I've got to try to fly

I'm not ready. I really don't believe in my heart that I am. I probably never have been, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I feel like such a failure because I say I can't. But I can't. I honestly don't think I can at this point. I tried to make myself feel like I could, but I'm fooling myself. All I'd be doing is running again. Running away from my problems, but they'll only follow me wherever I go. They did twice before. And they will again. That's why I feel like such a failure. God, but it feels like a huge relief to just finally admit it. Is it my final decision? No, not totally. Part of me doesn't want to decide yet. Or at least, decide this. But just realizing that it may not be what I want to do, it lifts this gigantic weight off of my shoulders that I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks now. And it's ok if I'm not ready at this point. No one says I have to go. I thought that I did, but if it's causing me as much anxiety and stress as it has, then maybe it's not right. If it was, it shouldn't be so hard, and I wouldn't be feeling so torn. I wouldn't be staying for anyone, just like I wouldn't be leaving for anyone. It's my decision, it's about me. What I want. And I think I finally figured it out.

Can you feel it?

Oh, and what is it with every single guy I meet? "I don't want a relationship right now." I JUST MET YOU!!! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT A RELATIONSHIP, TOO? AND WITH YOU, NONTHELESS!!!! ARRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! No, this pisses me off soooooo fucking much. And it happened once again the other night, and I just lost it. I'm sick of it all. I'm done with it. Don't waste my time anymore. I don't need to deal with this crap anymore.

I never promised you a ray of light

Boredom. Complete boredom is what I've been experiencing lately. And way too much of it. I have nothing to do to fill my time. I'm trying, but it turns out I just waste most of it. Like always. I'm trying to figure something out...but I just don't know yet. The whole D.C. is still weighing so heavily on my mind. I haven't made a decision yet, and don't even know if I'm close to making one. I'm scared, and I don't know if I will be able to do it. There are so many things to think about. The job. The place to live is the big one. And it really has been stressing me out. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but it has. And I'm tired of having to explain it to everyone. You'd think I'm not excited about it at all by the way I don't ever want to talk about it. It's just that I'm trying to figure some things out about myself first. Like can I really do this? Do I really want to? I can't seem to come up with definite answers. But I know I need to do this. And I really can. I just have to stop being afraid. I'm way too scared. Some degree is normal, but fear has run my life for too long. And it's affected too many of my decisions, many of which I have come to regret, or wished I'd chosen differently. I don't have anything here anymore. I don't want to stay. But yet, I don't know if I'm ready to leave. It's a hard move to make. It's actually more like a huge jump for me. Taking such a big step. I did it once, and I failed. Maybe that's part of what's causing all this. It is. I don't want to fail. I don't want others to see me fail. I don't want others to think I will fail. I desperately want to make a decision. And soon. Because I can't take much more of this, nor will my dad (meaning I need to get a job!). Indecision is not fun. Now, what to do with the tons of magazines I've got laid out on my bed that I just can't get rid of...