December 29, 2005
Only 2 more days left in the year. That’s really weird if you think about it. Another year coming to an end, only to begin anew. It ends, but it doesn’t. I don’t usually think of the start of the New Year as “new” in the sense that I have a new beginning. Because you really don’t. It’s just a part of the continuum. I’m more used to a new year starting in the fall, coinciding with the start school. I hate how at this time of year everyone is making resolutions to lose weight, get healthy, eat right, etc. It’s so annoying. Why wait until the date changes? Why not today? But hey, as long as you stick with it, then go for it. But those resolutions just don’t seem to last. Speaking of resolutions…hmmm…should I make any? I don’t typically make them. Not like a list, at least. Just in a general sense. I’ll think about it.
December 30, 2005
It is the most gorgeous day ever today. Well, maybe not ever, but for the end of December, it’s so nice. I’m in Pensacola, too. And we’re going to be going to the beach to visit my granddad in a little while. I wish it wasn’t so late so I could go out and layout on the beach! But I’m going to go out there anyway, bathing suit or not. I don’t want it to get cold again. It always does this though. For Christmas it’s cold, but then afterwards, it gets warm for a week or so until new year’s. Then it’ll get cold again. So I’ve decide I’ve got 1 and a half days left now, and I’m putting it all behind me. For good. I had the weirdest dream about him last night. We were on something like a date, but everything had already happened between us, and we both knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was so awkward. The dream was completely out of nowhere, because I haven’t been obsessing over him for a while. Yeah, for a while. That’s an improvement at least from recently when I was about to make a huge mistake! I haven’t even looked at his facebook page! I know! The last time I looked, I think it was Monday, and I saw he had a comment from that stupid girl saying she missed him. I immediately closed the browser. It made me sick. Not exactly sad, maybe a little hurt, but I just didn’t care to see any of it. Not now, not ever, so that’s why I haven’t gone back. I don’t want to do that to myself. It hurts too much. And besides, there’s no reason to. I’m going to try and keep it up. Maybe that’s what is needed to keep me away. It’s going to be a little hard, though, with the dates that are coming up really soon. It will be a year since I met him next Sunday. And our first date will soon follow. I just can’t think about it. That’s simply it. I have been thinking about the memories. But that’s all I have. Memories. And these memories are better than the reality, unfortunately. But it’s ok. He’s gone, it’s through. It’s been through for a long time. I just don’t want to completely let go. But you can’t completely let go. It’s impossible because there will always be that memory of him, the experience of being with him. I wonder sometimes whether it would have been better to never had met him. But then I think, no it wouldn’t. I don’t regret it. He was a huge part of my year last year, and my growth. Would I have ever gone to Gainesville that night? Wanted to go out that Wednesday night that I asked Ania to go out with me? I’ll never know. But I do know, everything that happened, despite how it turned out, was worth it. Because look at me now.
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