Let me be your someone to hold you tight, someone to make you feel alright

It's raining and thundering outside...how long as it been since this has happened? Forever it seems. So it's the week of Thanksgiving, and I have 2 tests tomorrow...plus the second half of one on Wednesday. That's right, my teachers are very cruel and I have 2 classes that day. I usually skip them on that day. Not with the test now. So that sucks...now time for bed because I'm absolutely exhausted!

I like when you whisper softly things only I should hear that lead me on

In the newspaper today, there was an article on the CMAs. I am in no way a country fan, and I didn't read it. I just glanced at one of the pictures, which was Lee Ann Womack, and the caption underneath it read of a title of one of her songs, I May Hate Myself in the Morning. Hmmm, I thought. I wonder what that's about. I was curious, and wondering if this was something that would describe the type of behavior that Ania and I keep suffering from--going back to guys who are complete jerks and how we just can't get over them. Well, we've been finding various songs that describe our pain, and so I decided to check out the lyrics to this one. And sure enough, this one fits the BEST so far. Here they are:

Ain't it just like one of us
To pick up the phone and call after a couple drinks
Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me
And somewhere in the conversation
An ole familiar invitation always arrives
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want
Even though we just can't make it work out
Well the want to lingers on
So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong
But it ain't easy moving on
So why can't two friends
Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad
I guess that's what is
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

It's scary how true these lyrics are. I was seriously considering going back to Adam just on Saturday night! Thank God I didn't though. But that's just the conundrum: you think you're over someone, but then you run into them or something, and the feelings resurge. I don't believe you can completely get over someone. Ever. They will always mean something to you. Even if you hate them to the death, they still mean something to you (hate!). They may fade into oblivion, but there's always going to be a special place for them in your heart. And it's this reason why it's so easy to want to go back, and why we keep going back when we know we shouldn't. It's amazing how many people experience the exact same things with regard to relationships. There's obviously a standard, a formula to them, because this definitely happens to EVERYONE. At least every female!

Ewwww...how could I ever even think that??? Or even consider it?? ewww....

Picking up speed, I can barely breathe

My horoscope for the day: Get ready to say it all and to hear it all. Passionate words -- for better or worse -- are on the agenda. And you're definitely ready for this; in fact, you've probably been waiting for this encounter for some time.

What the heck is that supposed to mean??

So, he didn't end up calling me. Not that I expected that he would, but there was just this chance because I had seen him. I'm talking about Adam. I went to a Mae concert with Kathryn last night (had so much fun!). I knew before I even went that he would be there because he likes them (know that from facebook...in fact, that's where I discovered them...from his profile! I'm such a stalker, I know). Once I mentioned it to Kathryn, she agreed that we'd probably see him. And that we definitely did. Good thing I'd had a few drinks, and was looking totally hot...when we were walking along the back, sure enough, there he was. I could spot that boy anywhere, even if it's the back of his head (which it was!). RJ was right by him, which presented an opportunity for Adam to have to know that I was there. He ended up walking a way for a minute, so Kathryn and I decided to go say hi to RJ. Well, as we were standing there, Adam came back and was right behind me. I don't know if he saw me then or not, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there, in my typical fashion (remember Sebastian at the gym on Thursday?). I thought it was funny that RJ mentioned to Kathryn that Adam was there, but I don't know why he didn't say it to me. We left and went to the bar, and as I was standing there, I could see from the mirror along the wall that Adam was approaching. I felt a pinch on my back and I turn around to see him. He's like "what are you doing at the bar...you're such an alcoholic." I was like whatever and I really don't know what else was said. I think I tried to give him one of those side hugs you give to guys you know. It was definitely a short encounter, but at least he was the one that came up to me, because there was no way I was going up to him! He came up to me...now that's strange. When he went back to stand with RJ, I know he said something about me, because I could tell by the way was talking, you know in that I just saw/talked/whatever...blah blah blah...Hmmm...wonder what he said. But he ended being near me for a while, in the general vicinity. Wasn't sure what to expect, except that I had to pretend like crazy to ignore him and make it seem like I wasn't trying to be around him or following him or anything. I just let Kathryn take the lead. He ended up moving somewhere else during the concert at some point...to which by the end I kept glancing around (I was looking for cute boys! well, and Adam). Never saw him. Thank goodness I deleted his number from my phone, because if it was in there, I would have definitely called him. Why?? Not sure. I didn't really want him in the way that I used to, but I was feeling, well, like maybe if he called, I wouldn't turn him down. Such bad thoughts, I know. It would have been such a HORRIBLE idea...one that I couldn't explain to anyone. Ania would absolutely kill me! But nothing happened, and I soon came to the realization that he's still a jerk and will always be a jerk. At least we can be on friendly terms with each other.

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

Yesterday I was wondering who in the world else I would end up seeing...at the gym, I saw Sebastian. He didn't say hi, nor did I. I know he ended up seeing me, but I pretended like I didn't know he was there. My typical reaction. But what a jerk to not even say hi to me! Whatever, who needs him? I certainly don't! And then on the way home to my parents' house, I passed Chris on the road. I saw what looked like his truck coming, and sure enough it was definitely him once he passed and I saw the back of his truck. He didn't see me, thank goodness!! I could be in Clemson right now, if only Ania didn't have that debate tournament. And I called Anne to see if she was around because I thought about going to Orlando for the weekend, just to get away and have some fun and visit. But turns out she's in Chicago. So much for that. But, exciting news for her--she's engaged! Wonder if I will be a bridesmaid?? I am her little sister, afterall...but if not, that's a lot less trouble (and money!) for me. I'll definitely be going to her wedding, though. I think I'm just going to take it easy this weekend and relax, try and get some things done (like clean my room and finish a book that's due Monday and work on another research paper and study for a test next week and the week after--ha! like that's gonna happen!!!). I've been really tired this week. I keep getting lightheaded/dizzy. Like mono-ish tired in a way. It's a really weird feeling. The good thing is I haven't been taking a lot of naps lately. I'm assumming that's a good thing, except when I really need it. But I'm finally feeling better and not currently sick at the moment! [knock on wood]. Running some errands with mom today and going to go through some old boxes of clothes to get rid of some stuff...time to get ready.

When you walk by everynight, talking sweet and looking fine, I get kinda hectic inside...

So am I feeling better about my body today? Not really, but it's not like it was yesterday. I did have a really good workout today, so that made me feel good. But right about now, it's not so great...So the big question is gonna be: do I drink when I go out tomorrow night? And my answer: I don't know how I can go out to a bar/club and not drink. I can't be sober around drunk people--they just annoy me too much. Besides, I get jealous when I see people drinking and I can't drink, because I WANT to drink. It's fun. I don't HAVE TO, but I PREFER to. Plus, when am I ever going to be able to drink like this again?? NEVER!! I'm graduating in the spring, and sure there'll be lots of times I still go out, but definitely not as much as I can now once I'm a full-time working girl. It's just that drinking has sooo many calories...I really do try to use the lowest calorie stuff that I possibly can (10-calorie juice, anyone??)...but once you get drunk, you don't really think about what you're drinking. This isn't a new concern of mine. I've thought about it ever since I started drinking last spring. But now it's really coming into the limelight, especially with the way I've been feeling about my body lately. As long as I continue to workout vigorously and consistently, I'll be fine. Just keep telling myself that, and it'll be ok. Because it really is ok. I don't drink that much, anyways. This'll probably be the only time this week that I drink because I don't plan on going out-out this weekend (partly because Ania won't be in town, partly because I want a break and do other non-drinking activities, say the movies maybe??). Of course, I could try going out sober for the first time, and work on my communicative/social skills...it's the perfect time to act crazy without being under the influence because everyone will just think you're drunk, just like them!! So we'll see....but I can already tell you what my answer is going to be...

I'll keep you my dirty little secret...

I was actually thinking about working out for a second time today. Just for like 15 minutes. But still. And I was also thinking about doing 15 minutes in the morning and then having my regular workout in the afternoon. This is really starting to scare me...do I really hate my body that much? I do sometimes, and I was when I was actually thinking about doing this. But I decided it would be best if I didn't because I already had a decent workout today, and I don't need to workout again. I'M NOT FAT. SO WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THESE THINGS??? I was so close to becoming a crazed-workout person...I'm on the verge of something very scary--I just know I am. Ever since the mono has screwed me up...I keep saying it's the mono. But is it really? Yes, it played a really huge role--I wasn't able to workout for sooo long after working out every single day. But now I'm getting back on track, except it's different this time. It's not controlling me like it used to. Or like I controlled myself with it. I give myself breaks (and I at least try and convince myself as best as I can that it's ok to do so). I'm letting myself indulge in foods every now and then that I wouldn't let myself eat (mainly because I didn't have a desire to do so). I still don't have much of a desire, but I'm learning that it's ok every once in a while. Or am I? Because everytime I have a piece of birthday cake or a some ice cream (it's not often at all), I have to keep repeating to myself that it's ok, you're not going to gain any weight from this. It's one time. IT'S ONLY ONE TIME. BUT WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY STILL??? Take yesterday...granted, I was a little drunk, but I ate so much food (well, more than I normally do at least). Actually, it wasn't that much...it's Ania's potato salad that's getting to me. It's something that I actually don't like, nor ever even had tried until I had some of hers. Yesterday I didn't really have a problem with eating it at all, justifying it as my treat. But in combination with a lot of beer (95 calories each, and who knows how much I drank), I feel really disgusted about it now. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and I like what I see and don't have a problem. But then again, like how I feel right now, I feel absolutely disgusting. There's no way that I can fit into those jeans right now, and I'm not even going to try because I'd start crying. But that's a stupid way to judge because they're a pair of jeans, and every single pair of jeans I own fits me differently, and one size in one brand might be too big or vice-versa. I can't remember the last time I felt this way about myself. The unhappiness with my life is gone, but it's just been replaced by this horrible body-image I have of myself right now. It's the (small, but nonetheless) weight gain. Probably around 5 pounds, but you have to understand that it's been over 2 years since I've had this much fat on me! Everyone would look at me like I'm crazy and say, what fat?? I KNOW!!! SO WHY CAN'T I SEE THAT MYSELF?? Why do I constantly find myself in this battle with myself? One minute I like it, then another I hate it. This is really not good at all. And the thing is, I know it's for the better (having gained some weight). I used to fluctaute between 98-102 pounds just 7-8 months ago...it's since I started drinking and then it was definitely the mono and it's freaking 4-5 month recovery...I'm still not even sure if I'm 100% better yet. It just really messed me up...I was doing so well, then I just saw my body change, even as slight as it was, it seems like a huge difference to me. Whereas I never used to compare myself to anyone, I am now constantly looking around at other girls and being like how can they stay that small when they're out and they drink a lot, and how come I can't?? No, I know I can, it's just been getting back to my exercise intensity level--it was sooo high before...I was running 5 miles in under 40 minutes! I haven't been able to do that yet...at least I haven't tried. Maybe I'll try doing that tomorrow, or at least get as close to it as I can, and maybe it will help boost my self-image. But if I don't, will I be disappointed in myself??? It's just a never ending cycle that just keeps speeding up faster and faster...pretty soon I might fly off if I don't start slowing down.

Say anything, but say what you mean

Procrastination is my new best friend as of lately. I don't know what's with me, but I just do not want to study or work on papers or even be in class...not that I ever really want to be in class, but my desire to skip has increased dramatically. And I'm probably going to be paying for all this soon (like Tuesday, when I have a test that I haven't studied for, nor have I really kept up with the material--I know, I'm such a bad girl!). But, I am just a page away (or more like a couple of paragraphs) from being finished with my international conflict research paper. Thank goodness!!! But, once I'm done with that, I have another 15 page one I gotta get on. The life of a college student...I really don't understand how people can write theses and dissertations and all that kind of "academic" stuff...I have absolutely no desire or want to do any of that. That's one reason why I'm not going to grad school next year...I need a break from all that stuff! I just really hate doing research, and especially combining that research into a paper. So I've gotta briefly mention this...on Halloween, I went with Ania to a fraternity date function (her roommate took both of us as his dates, lucky him...). Anyways, remember Andrew from last spring? I know I wrote about it, because he was the guy that I made out with like crazy the first night Ania and I went out at that crush. Well, he was there, and once I'd gotten a little drunk, I got the crazy idea that I really wanted to make out with him!! He just looked so cute, and he was there. Well, sorta, because he had a date, who he didn't like, by the way. I know he SO wanted to make out with me, because he kept staring/looking at me the ENTIRE night!! I think what I enjoyed most about it was getting a kick out of the fact that he wanted me so bad, lol!! But I did get frustrated because of his stupid date...I wanted what I couldn't have. That was what was really behind it all. Ok, time to get ready for bed (and to do a little reading??).

So since you want me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say

My theme song for guys from now on is stated above. When I heard that on the radio I was like, it's written just for me!! Not really, but I thought how it fit my attitude about guys at the current moment. I knew after that night he'd end up like all the other ones--he'd be like them all. But whatever. I don't want someone who doesn't want to call me or spend time with with or who isn't absolutely crazy about me! And I'm going to be selfish from now on when it comes to this, because I always give everything I have to the guy, and for what? Absolutely nothing but disrespect and hurt in return. So not worth it. It's been a lazy, lazy day. It started out pretty productive, but then the headache came on, and then I just didn't feel like studying! I've got senioritis so bad! And I don't think there's anyone who would disapprove of me not studying so much...There's definitely a lot to do, and not much time left, so that's why I'm gonna make the most of it and study as little as possible to still keep my sanity while leaving plenty of time for fun! Alrighty, time now to try and go be productive for at least a half hour before I go to sleep...yeah, like that's gonna happen...

I'M SO HAPPY...I CAN STILL FIT INTO MY FAVORITE JEANS FROM LAST YEAR!!! I tried them on a month or two ago and they didn't fit, so I got really discouraged and upset that I had gained so much weight. Well, I guess I really haven't gained very much after all, which is good news. Now maybe I can feel better about myself and not worry about it so much. I've just gotta get back into consistently working out and I'm good, because my eating habits haven't changed from how they've been for the past 2 years. Now, if only I can get well and stay well, I'll be just great!!

The innocent can never last

It's cold outside, and all I wanna do is just cuddle up in my bed and watch my tv shows from this week! It's been another day where I should have been productive, well where I've tried to be productive, but a stupid painful headache has gotten the best of me each time. Did I mention how I hate being sick? This weather is just absolutely gorgeous, though. It just reinforces why I love this time of year so much...the dry, cooler air, the leaves falling from the trees, pumpkins! This weekend has been a recovery weekend for me--one to get well. Which hopefully will work. I don't know what I should be for Halloween. I'm pretty sure I'll be going out on Monday (Ania won't have me staying in, lol!), and hopefully Ania will want to, because I've never been out for Halloween before. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I did anything for Halloween. The last time I went trick-or-treating was when I was in 8th grade. Not that I'll be doing that...I always wish that I had done so much more when this time comes; it just goes by so fast. I'll have to wait for next year, though. I want to have a Christmas party after finals week. So we can all relax and let loose and have fun. It'll be a fancy affair, so everyone will have to dress up in pretty party dresses and stuff (always wanted to do that!). Sounds like a plan. And yes! We get an hour back tonight! No more daylight savings time! Woo-hoo! I definitely need that extra hour, although after tomorrow, it won't make any more of a difference! But that's okay...I feel like eating a little snack and getting in bed...so tired and feel another headache coming on :(

Oh, and boys suck.

A little piece of heaven turns to dark

I don't want to study...wasting time so I don't have to. I'm feeling creative. I want to make something. Too bad I really need to study because I'm behind in a couple of my classes from missing a day. I have a research paper to write. Two, actually. One is due in 2 weeks. Need to get on that. There's a big macro test next week. And a test the week after that, plus a huge book to read. And did I mention I'm sick? Not just physically, but so sick of school itself?? I'm trying to make the easiest possible schedule for next semester. No more requirements to fulfill. Just 10 hours of electives. I wanted to take a photography class, but no, you have to be an art major. Which sucks because I got really excited about it because I love taking pictures. I want a new digital camera. And a really good film camera. I can use my parents' old one if I want. Pictures, pictures, pictures. I'm obsessed. And I'm just rambling on about nothing because I don't want to study. No studying. No studying. I'm sick of studying. But I guess it's time to study now.

You've built a love, but that love falls apart

When will I ever not be sick?? I have not been well since June. Having mono really did a number on my immune system, because I keep catching every cold/infection known to man. Seriously, there has not been a time at all this semester where I was well. And this week has been no different. I hate it so much. And to top it off, I found another guy who doesn't want to be my boyfriend or have anything to do with me. It seemed really promising; except now I realize that it's not going to go any further. It was so different this time. I actually haven't done anything but makeout with this guy. Which I'm so proud of, because it's a huge change from before, where I'd jump in way too soon. It's just so disappointing. How can it not have something to do with me??? It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. This guy wasn't exactly a Skip or Chris or Adam...so far from it. He was actually the type of guy that I used to always go for. Not the one I had to prove to myself that I could get. When we went out, things were soooo good. Ania painted his wall at his place on Monday...couldn't really tell anything from him. But then last night, when we went back to work on it, I just did not feel a vibe at all. I don't know if it's because he had his friends around, or what. Ania at first was like, he's so cute, but then she started having reservations, like he doesn't call. He called me once. On my birthday Saturday to wish me happy birthday because I must have mentioned it a million types when I met him on Wednesday. We ended up going to a party and I stayed over at his place and just falling asleep in his arms was so amazing. I haven't called him; I have text messaged him to say hi, and wrote a little message on his facebook wall, but that's it. It's not like any of the other guys ever actually called me. I was the one always calling them. I don't know. Something tells me to just give up, not to bother or worry about it. But when is it going to happen??? I'm so sick of it. Where the hell are you supposed to find them? I know there are guys that will become involved with a girl when they find someone they like; it just so happens that I'm the one they will never like. It doesn't help that I HATE my body right now. Being sick has done a number to my body image and self esteem. I don't want to feel depressed and sad. I just want to get better. NOW.

Lately I've been thinking, lately I've been dreaming with you

So much has happened this past week...I am now 22 years old, which is really strange to think about. 22. That's so old! I had one of the best birthdays that I have ever had, though. You know what I always used to wish for when I'd blow out my candles? To be happy. And finally, for once, I didn't have to wish for that, because I already am. Wednesday night I went to a Phi Sig day glo party and met this guy named Sebastian...he's sooo cute and such a nice guy. I had one of the best nights that I'd had in such a long time. It was great because all we did was kiss and cuddle...absolutely amazing!!! But unfortunately for Ania, things didn't turn out so well...she ended up having alcohol poisoning and I had to take her to the emergency room and take care of her on Thursday. Luckily, she is alright. I'm so nervous! I just sent a text message to Sebastian...I hope he doesn't get the wrong impression...I really think things could work out this time. We hung out with him and a couple of his brothers last night and went to a party. I had a GREAT time with him. He would keep saying how we just connected and he would hold my hand and it was just so much fun. I went back to his place and spent the night, just kissing and cuddling and sleeping, which is all he wanted to do in the first place! He's kind of a surfer type boy, he's 2 years younger, but who cares?? He thinks I am so beautiful and sexy and amazing. AHHHHH!!!!! I really could see myself in a relationship with him. Hopefully he wants the same thing. He's so funny, too, in a silly kind of way, but he kept making me laugh all night. So sweet! I'm in love...not really, but I've definitely got a crush!! And Friday night...what can I say? I can't remember half the night, lol! Definitely so much fun. We went to AJ's, where there was like no one out because of FAMU homecoming, but I still had a good time. Obviously had a little too much to drink, and apparently was very sick the rest of the night. The last thing I remember doing was taking a shot upstairs with a really super hot guy (who happened to know Skip and his friends). And then it's completely dark after that point. Never got a chance to go into the fountain...was going to last night, but it didn't happen...went and made out instead, so it was ok!!

Intoxicate me now, with your loving now, I think I'm ready now

My brain is fried. No more studying or homework for me tonight. I'm about to go to bed in fact. I love working out. It always makes me feel so much better about myself. I just need to get back to the level of where I used to be, and I'm on my way, because I had a workout today that was like I used to do pretty much everyday...so hopefully that will solve my issues that I'm having with my body right now. Ok, so I have no idea what is up with myspace right now, and why I am getting all these weird friend requests from people I don't know...all of a sudden, in the past 3 days, I've gott probably at least 30 requests. Yes, it's ridiculous, and creepy! I have no idea where they're coming from, or how these people found me, because I'm definitely not connected to them through friends...it might be time to get off that site soon...well, maybe, haha...Guess who I HAVEN'T heard from?? Skip. But whatever, who needs him?? I certainly don't!! I haven't heard from the other two losers either, thank goodness! 4 more days...(sorry I'm obsessed!!)

It's just another manic monday...I wish it were sunday...

When did I become so insecure about my body? I don't know, but I'm more insure about it than I have ever been I feel, or at least in a long, long time. Why do I feel this way? There's nothing wrong with the way I look. But if it wasn't for that stupid mono that screwed everything up, I don't think I'd be feeling this way. I hate it so much. I just want to get back to normal. I have a major midterm on Wednesday. All essay. It's really going to suck, but the studying for it is even worse. I hate studying so much. But I don't have to make an A--what he's looking for is an impossibly high standard for only 50 minutes, having to write 3 short answers plus a full-length essay. Whatever. I'll just put down whatever I know, and if it isn't good enough for him, well too bad. Because I don't really care. They're just grades, and this is my last year. What good are grades going to matter out in the real world? I don't plan on going to grad school any time soon--I just can't handle any more school. I need to get out in the world and get some experience working. Not yet, though. But after this year. That's why I'm trying to make this a fun year, since I wasted the past 2 1/2 being miserable...

Let's go back, back to the beginning...

So I'm finding it very, very hard to concentrate and study these days. Could it be because I'm starting not to care so much? Possibly. Senioritis? A little bit. I don't know what it is, but you could NEVER get me to sit down and study like I used to, just a year ago even it. Not gonna happen! That's good and bad in its own ways. Good in that I'm not spending my life studying like a maniac for no reason anymore, but bad in that I still need to study. But whatever, I've been studying enough for this test tomorrow since last week, doing a little almost everyday. I'll do however I do. I cried at the end of Smallville tonight. Yeah, I'm a huge dork, and it wasn't exactly something that would make you cry, but I did. Clark and Lana were finally going to have sex with each other, and just the way they alluded up to it was just everything that I wish I had. I really can't distinguish whether I regret it or not anymore. Sometimes I really still wished I'd waited. Then at others, I was living in the moment, and at the time it was right. The whole time I was watching it, I thought of Skip. Why? Because he's the one who I've been the most intimate with, going beyond actual sex. That last time...the connection I felt was just too strong, too much to handle. I wasn't supposed to feel that way in that situation. But there's nothing I could--or still can--do to change his mind. Nor is it worth my time or energy to keep trying. I haven't heard from him in I guess 2 weeks now--not since I saw him at AJ's 2 Friday's ago. And he hasn't called me, so I'm definitely not going to bother. I've actually been doing quite well, and I've adjusted much better than I have with any other guy. Or have I really? Am I just pretending? No, I don't think I am. Yes, I put so much of myself into him, and he brought out a side of me I never knew I had, but I honestly am ok. What happened, happened. And all I can do is savor the memories. I'm not going to let this one get me down. I don't need him, nor do I need any other guy to get by. I'm doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch. I won't be by myself forever, despite what it may feel like. I'm just not going to put up with this kind of crap I have been putting up with from guys. I'll find someone who will treat me like the princess I am!

There's no easy way to say goodbye, so baby just say goodnight

Do you know what Adam said to me on Saturday night when he came over (besides begging me for sex)? He said I was getting FAT. Yes, me getting fat. In no way, shape or form do I think, or feel, or look, like I'm "getting fat." He's joked about it before (like when I saw him before school got out and during the summer), and I've always brushed it off like nothing. I still am, but it's really bothering me, not because I care what he thinks (or any guy for that matter), but because I'm still not totally happy with my body again. I mean, I weighed give or take a hundred pounds when I first met him; I'd run 5 miles a day for heaven's sake! And honestly, I loved the way I looked and felt, and I don't think I looked unhealthy, but I realize that I was soooo thin at some points, which isn't very healthy. It wasn't an unhealthy thin, because I'd workout and do cardio for about 45 minutes EVERY day, and I ate plenty (of healthy stuff). But as I look back on it and compare myself now, I realize that I needed to gain some weight, because I was just too small. And I've been sick for the past 3 months and haven't been able to workout like I used to. I'm just now really getting back into it. And yeah, it's taking some getting used to to accept my body as it is now (a mere 5 pounds gained probably--but I still don't like it), but I now I'll be back where I want to be soon. I won't get to the size I was for like 2 years, but that's ok, I don't want that. I just want my muscle back that I lost over these past few months. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me. He was just joking, but still. WHAT A JERK!!!!!! What kind of guy even jokes like that with a girl??? Right now, he just makes me so sick and so mad. What was I thinking Saturday when I let him come over. I must have been on drugs or something. No, it was all me. Unfortunately. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. There was definitely a reason for that night to happen, because in the back of my mind, there was always this little thought that kept saying, just maybe...I'd say he wasn't a bad guy...I knew the way he acted and treated me made him a jerk, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I had to find out once and for all, so that voice could go away. And it has. Today was my second day (in a row) of not taking a nap!

Say it ain't so

Dear Adam,

What in the hell was I thinking last night, inviting you over at 2:30am?? Not that it was my idea; you were the one who called me, completely out of the blue. Actually, I had this feeling that you might happen to call; afterall, you did post a comment on my wall, something you've never done before. It had some purpose apparently. I knew from the moment I saw your number on my phone (I recognized the area code, because I deleted, yes DELETED, your number from my phone last week), EXACTLY what you wanted. There's only one reason for 2 am phone calls, and it's not just to say hi. I can't believe that you said you wouldn't leave this time. Like I was going to have sex with you. Again. Right. After the biggest mistake that I made last time. And it's incredibly presumptuous to think that I'd sleep with you after not hearing from you or seeing you in over what, 3 months? Save a facebook message you never responded back to (go figure) and a brief sighting at a football game. Do you realize how PATHETIC you sounded last night? You were begging me, BEGGING me, to have sex with you. Let's try it again you kept saying. You wanted to make it right this time, since it was quite a disaster the first. But why would I want to? So I could hate myself again? So I could never hear from you again? That's all it would be, and you know it. You haven't changed; nor have your motives. That wouldn't be it, you said. Sure. Like I can believe you after you've done nothing but prove the complete opposite everytime. We want different things. I put it behind me and moved on. But I guess I keep going back when the opportunity presents itself. Except for this time. I said I wasn't going to sleep with you, and I didn't. I'm so proud that I didn't give in this time. I can't do the casual thing. I've tried, but it doesn't work. Sex is NOT meaningless to me. For a while, I tried to make it so, but that's not me. I was pretending to be something I wasn't, and doing it for all the wrong reasons with all the WRONG guys. What happened to the days when we could just make out, and that was it? Am I just kidding myself that there was actually a time? Well, there was at least for me, when I had absolutely no problem saying no. But unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I just don't understand why you thought I'd be so easy (we did it once, so that means I'm going to again? I thought I made myself clear when I told you I regreted it). And you made yourself perfectly clear when you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me, because you think we don't have anything in common. And that's fine if that's what you want, but it's not what I want at all. And it's about time I start putting what I WANT first. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, who wants to call me, who will get to know me before rushing into anything. Ania came up with the best analogy one time: It's like starting a movie and fast-forwarding straight to the end. What about the beginning, and especially the middle? Would you start watching a movie from the end? Maybe, but you'd be missing the best parts. And sex isn't it; that's the icing on the cake. At least that's how I've always viewed it; although that view has become obscured in the past few months. But it doesn't mean I can't go back to that. Because I'm not settling for anything less anymore. No more guys who want to see me for only sex. I'm done with it. It's gotten me no where, and done nothing but make my life miserable. Sure it's great in the moment, but I want more. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. With guys, it's all about instant gratification; and you're no different from any other guy I've come across. That's why I couldn't believe a word you said last night. And why I actually scoffed at your remark about that it wouldn't be it. Sure Adam. I wasn't going to wait around for history to repeat itself. I can't do that to myself again. You showed me what you were all about last night, not that I didn't know it already. If you ever want to hang out during the day, go to lunch, whatever, give me a call. But until then, don't even bother if you've got other ideas, because it's NOT going to happen again with us. I won't let it.