the sea changes colors, but the sea does not change

Wasted another evening on the computer. This time checking out and looking for new music. I did just watch a movie. Woo.

I want you to want me

Then I go and realize what in the world am I thinking?? No. Just simply no. way. He makes me feel so incredibly dumb. He doesn't CARE about me. He doesn't THINK about me. So WHY would I want HIM??? And the answer is I know I really don't. I just want what I can't have. And because I'm lonely and I would settle for a jerk like him. No I wouldn't. I WILL NOT. Not EVER. I'm waiting for someone MUCH better. 100% better. And he will come across my path eventually. Why were we supposed to meet? So he could show me exactly what I DON'T WANT. And why I shouldn't settle for a complete loser like he is. Because a winner will not treat me like he has.

I'm so, so, so lonely. The holidays are the worst time of year for loneliness. There goes selfish me again...I don't know what lonely is...not compared to my brother's friend's parents. It will be a year ago in about an hour that he was killed in a car crash. Last year was not a happy Christmas. I don't want to make it another one. So I can choose to go one way or another. I can choose to be happy, or I can choose to be miserable and depressed. I did see my good friends tonight, which is a happy note. But I want a boyfriend. That's a sad note, because there's no one that cares for me. I don't know if I can believe that there is one person out there for me right now. I'm not looking at marraige, nor am I looking to find the love of my life (well, ok, I am, but I'm not). I just want a relationship with someone who loves me and cares about me and wants to be with me. Who wants to be with me?? NO ONE. No one ever has. They haven't stayed. Or they cheat on me (but thankfully that made me reevaluate that situation, and get me out of something that I really didn't want to be in in the first place). Your time will come, they say. Stop looking, and it'll happen. Well FUCK that. I've been listening to that my whole freaking life--since I've reached "dating age" and nothing has happened. Not until this freaking year alone!! And what has happened??? Nothing but complete heartbreak and disappointment. I better be getting it all out of the way now. But I'm not. Maybe I'm just one of those people destined to be alone. Or won't find someone until they're 35, which completely sucks. All I want is to have a boyfriend of more than a month (which you can't really get much accomplished in a month) before I graduate college. Frankly, I will not be meeting the love of my life here, nor any future possibilities for husbands. Guys here suck. All they want is to hookup, and that's it. But that's guys everywhere. Especially college guys. Why do the ones that don't want anything find me?? Yeah, and New Years is gonna suck, too. Not only will I not have someone to kiss at midnight, but I will be at home, crying and depressed, because as of now, I have no plans. But that's not because I can't figure out what I want to do. It's because there's NO ONE TO DO ANYTHING WITH. That's what I want for Christmas. Friends. For New Years especially. Just give me someone to go out with and get drunk with, and I'll be happy (well, I've got to approve...I do have standards). Why is it like this for me?? I don't deserve this.

And if it takes all night, I'll wait until the daylight to see that we just don't belong

Do you ever feel like you're just supposed to meet certain people? No matter how bad the experience may be with them? It's never obvious at first, and it usually becomes apparent much later. But they become your weakness. You can't say no. Or it's incredibly difficult to. They just get under your skin, and you wonder why this person makes you feel this way. They don't go away, either. Some way or another, they just come back into your life after being gone like they never existed. Except that they did, and that they do every single day of your life. No matter how hard you try to deny them, they're just there. Inside you. They've taken a piece of you hostage and all you want to do is get your freedom back. They test your resolve. They make you wonder how you could ever be so stupid, or why you just cannot learn. But then again, they make you stronger, wiser. And you do learn; you just choose to ignore the lesson for the instant gratification of knowing they're thinking about you. You vow to never go back, to never lower your standards, that someone else much better is out there for you. And you believe that you believe it. But you really do. Sometimes. Most of the time. But then the loneliness sinks in...

If it's alright, I'll stay until it's later until you tell me that it's time that we moved on

Christmas just doesn't seem the same anymore. Not since I started picking out my presents, which started about 2 years ago. The same goes for birthdays, but that's another story. It's good in that you get exactly what you want since you picked it out, but it takes all the surprise out when opening presents on Christmas morning. I guess I feel guilty, too. For wanting things. For getting some of the things that I want, more specifically. Especially when I know I don't need it or shouldn't get it because money is tight. And how bad is this: I need work/business clothes for my internship in the spring, but I don't want it to be a part of my present. Do I feel horrible or what when my mom says she needs more to wrap up, or asks if she can wrap up a pair of pants or dress shirts. I can be so selfish. But I haven't asked for anything because there's nothing that I really, really want. Nothing that I can't live without. I should be thinking about the future. Spring break, for one. I want to go somewhere, but that's gonna cost money. And I'm doing the sorority again. There goes $2000. And graduation...I can't even mention that I want to go to Europe or travel. It's not going to happen because there's no way I can afford it. Part of my guilt comes from the fact that I don't have a job, nor have I ever had a job. So no income to contribute. During the school year, that's understandable. But I've wasted every summer doing absolutely nothing. And I'm not just talking about not working. I mean not doing anything like studying abroad, which I kinda wish I had done. I feel a little jealous when I hear people are doing that or have done it. I've just been lost. I haven't known what to do, and cannot seem to figure it out. And I'm still pretty lost. What in the world am I going to do after graduation? Obviously get a job, but doing what?? I absolutely HATE it when people ask me what I'm going to do. I know they're just being polite or curious, but it's annoying because I don't have an answer other than I don't know. I definitely know it's not school. I probably should, but I just cannot do it. Mentally, physically...I'm just drained. I've killed myself working so hard for nothing ever since high school. It's time for a break. To move onto something new and different. I just hate how I'm going to waste another 3 weeks doing nothing again. Especially since I'm going to spend it pretty much alone. AHHHHH there I go again, choking back the urge to cry. Why do I do this to myself???? It's a mystery. One that I don't think I'm ever going to figure out.

something about your lips, something about your kiss...

Today was a lazy day. It's been raining nonstop. And it's freezing outside. So, it was a perfect opportunity to do nothing but lay in bed all afternoon and watch tv. But I did have a very good workout. And I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. So I technically didn't do nothing. I looked sooo good tonight. So of course I used it as another opportunity to take a million pictures of myself. But hey, they're for facebook, lol...I am so OBSESSED with taking pictures...of myself. Yes, it sounds really conceited. Maybe it is. But I don't care. It's fun. And I like to see what I look like. And tonight I didn't really care if I didn't go out because of the nasty weather. But I kinda wish I had...

Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying

Last night=miserable and depressed. Today=still feeling sad. Tonight=another night all alone at home. And the rest of the break will be the same. Last night Ania and I were supposed to go out and celebrate finals being over and have our last night out of the semester before she went home. But she calls me and tells me that afternoon that she's not going to go out because she doesn't have any money. I understand that. But I'd pay for her. I already had the liquor to drink beforehand, and it's nothing she would have to pay for. I understand that she was extremely tired because she hasn't slept all week. But that's not my fault. I'm not the one who waited until the last minute to study. She was supposed to call me later yesterday evening and we'd hangout. She never calls. I call her. She doesn't pick up. I'm absolutely soooo sad and crying. I have no one else to call to see who's going out. I'm sick of having to be the one to invite people to do things. They apparently don't ever think of me or want to hang out with me, or else they'd call me and invite me to do something once in awhile. I put in all the effort. For what? For nothing. I always end up feeling like the third wheel, anyways. Like I don't belong. Like I'm just tagging along and not really apart of everything. And it sucks. It sucks not having other friends to go out with. Last night I refused to call anyone. Tonight I succumbed to a few. But to no avail. I'm so desperate I put up an away message asking for people to call me if they wanted to go out. Obviously that didn't work. So I'm stuck at home once again. I guess I could ask my sister if she wanted to go see a movie. But there's nothing I want to waste $7 bucks on. I'd rather spend that on alcohol. Shows you where my priorities are. Maybe it'll be alright that I don't go out. It doesn't seem like people are going to be going out. Everyone's gone home, too. Or have they? Of course they probably haven't tonight, the one night that they're still here I won't be going out. I'm kinda losing the mood to go out now, anyways. It's just not worth the effort of finding someone to go out with. And I'm already on and off tearing up about it. I don't think I'd be in a good mood, or able to get in a good mood. It shouldn't be this hard. I wish I wasn't so alone.

Can we throw away all the casual?

Once again, my brain has reached the point that it is fried. I can take no more. I just end up staring blankly at the page, wondering what the heck I am looking at. It always happens around exam time. Well, any really important test. The essay ones, especially. Those are the ABSOLUTE worst. I hate them with a passion. Give me multiple choice. So much better. That way I don't have to memorize a million identification terms and possible answers to essay questions. And it's my last exam. WHY?? At the very end. That's when they always come. The last ones. Oh, so you'd think that would be good since it gives you more time to study. WRONG! Because by the time it comes around, you want to be done. No more studying, so you don't end up studying as much. At least I don't because it just becomes too much. I also start before the night before the exam, which is also why I'm ready to not study anymore. I just get so sick of it. Not to mention the headaches, speaking of which I've got a major one right now. Yeah, so I'm not going out after all. Ania called me today and was like, let's go to AJ's, and I agreed, but she wasn't 100 percent sure it would happen. And as the day went on, I kept wondering if it would be a good idea. I'm not worried about my one tomorrow. I just didn't want to be hungover tomorrow so I couldn't study. But problem is solved because I'm not going out. I'm just as happy though. So tired and bad headache. At least now I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. Oh, wait. I have a cat. That won't happen.

And enough complaining about exams already. I know, I know. Just gotta let it out sometimes. Plus, that's all that going on.

Can we try a little more personal?

Study break. Studying really sucks, and I don't want to do it at all. And I really haven't been doing very much at all. Just three more days, and I'm done. Tomorrow night, going out. Despite having a final the next day. But this time it's at 12:30pm instead of 7:30am. So that's so much better. And then there's Thursday, which will be the grand finale...can't wait. I just need to watch how much I drink. I was hungover ALL weekend. Especially Sunday. And it was not fun at all. But the night before it was! Friday I had a little break down...first occuring before I started drinking over a parking issue, then culminating at the end of the night big time while I was drunk. I was so upset. And to make matters worse, I was on Ania's back porch, and went to go inside and see her, and I smacked right into her glass door, not knowing it wasn't open. And I hit that thing hard. It wasn't really swollen or anything the next day, just slightly bruised, but nothing noticeable. But yeah, I admit that I ran into a glass door. But hey, at least I was drunk!

Cause perfect never felt so perfect

I don't know what it is, but it must be something to do with the holidays. I just feel so incredibly lonely right now. And it's not just the lonely in the sense that I wish I had a boyfriend (I mean, I do, but it's more than that). It's just an all-around lonesome feeling. Ania jokes around sometimes, and I know she doesn't mean anything bad by it or to hurt me, and it really doesn't bother me until times like these, but there really are only two people that call me: my mom and Ania. That's it. I don't know why I'm always looking at my phone to see who's called, or more like, who hasn't, because there's nobody else to call me. And that's the problem. Especially when I want to do things when Ania's busy or doesn't want to do anything. There's no one for me to call, either. At least, no one I feel like making the effort with anymore. I'm sick of it. I understand in the beginning of a friendship, that might be how it is. But after a certain point, it gets annoying, and discouraging because you feel like they don't want to hang out with you in the first place unless you end up calling, or I'll end up tagging along or something. Where this is coming from, is somewhere deep inside me, because it hasn't happened to me recently or anything. It reminds me of the summer big time. And middle semester last year right before I met Ania. I love Ania to death, and wouldn't trade her for the world--she's my best friend--but I can't always rely on her, because she won't always be there. And I shouldn't have to end up staying home and not doing anything just because she's not available. It definitely has happened this semester. There are just things that I want to do, to experience, but it's just so hard to do them because I don't want to do them alone. So I don't end up doing them because I don't have anyone there to do them with me. I just want to go out. My time is limited. I think that's part of it now. Subconsciously, it's starting to hit me--graduating in the Spring--and all the things I want to do and experience, well the time is running out. And I feel I'm even more rushed than ever because I wasted so much time in the past. I had so many plans for this semester. It hasn't turned out bad at all, and I've had a lot of fun. But there was more I wanted to do, but as usually, I don't end up following through. It's that stupid potential of mine that's just waiting for the push to let that ball roll down the hill. And it's not just about going out and drinking. I honestly can't do it all the time, both mentally and physically. But I want people to just hang out with and do nothing with. I do that a lot with Ania, but not as much as I'd like. That's partly my fault, as I tend not to want to stay up too late when I have class the next day if I don't have to. But maybe that's just what I need to do. That's like tonight, where I could have gone to the library to study with Ania. I'm not a fan of the library to study...I need my privacy and complete silence and no one around so I can talk out loud when I study (which is the best way for me). But I probably could have sucked it up and gone. But it was raining. And it's cold. And I was tired. And I didn't want to have to drive all the 10 minutes there and find stupid parking. Excuses, excuses, excuses. I sure do make a lot of them. Here I am, so sad and worried about not having time before the semester ends, and I could have been doing something. And it's what I ultimately want to do: just to get myself out there and be seen, that hey, I'm alive, look at me. Not for anyone in particular; quite the opposite really. To find new people, ok, mainly guys. But how else are you supposed to do it?? If no one sees me, then I can't meet anyone. Not that I'd end up meeting anyone anyways, but it's just getting myself out there. That's what I've been trying to do all along. Maybe I need to move away somewhere, be on my own again. Scary thought, definitely. But I let fear rule my life, my decisions. There are so many things, so many opportunities that I've missed and could have done had I not been so scared or thought I couldn't do it. It's time to stop being so afraid, because really, what is there to be afraid of? I want to go active in KD in the spring. At least part of me wants to. But I have so many reservations. One, I don't know if I can aford it (it's a ridiculous $2000! most of it is for the meal plan, which is a HUGE turnoff because I'm very picky about what I eat, both in general and for health reasons). Two, and this is also a very big concern of mine: making friends. Sure, I know some faces, and some names, and some girls very superficially by this point (it's those that actually remember me from when I transferred last fall...ok, so facebook helps, too). And it's not about having tons of them. I'd just like one or two girls who want to hang out with me, people that will call me and invite me to do things, instead of the other way around. That's my biggest fear about the whole situation. I know I'll regret it if I don't do it, because I've come to miss it, especially since Ania joined a sorority this year and living it through her. And I've grown so much since I first transferred. But I just don't know if I'll be able to fit in, or find some friends. I never felt like I fit in in the first place, and I'm afraid I'll end up hating it again and being absolutely miserable. And it wouldn't be a cheap thing to find out. It's just been on my mind the past couple days, and it's weighing very heavily with me. It's not causing stress like it once did, but it's definitely causing some anxiety. I just don't know what to do.

All I want for Christmas is....you!

What is it with me lately? Today was another day where I came so incredibly close, no dangerously close is more like it, to making a suggestion to someone...hmmm, and I wonder what that could be about...but I didn't. All day though, ALL DAY, it's been on my mind. One thing, and one thing only. And with one person only! At the height of it, I was about to write him a facebook message. But then when reality got a hold of me, there was NO WAY I could ever go through with it. For one, it'd look like I wanted him. Two, it would look like I wanted to do that with him, when I really just wanted it. Three, I'd seem desperate, and there's the risk of him rejecting me, like I did to him the last time. And I could never face him again if I did that. Plus, there's the embarassment of realizing how stupid I was after I sent it and wished I hadn't. And I kinda like having the last word with us: being the one who showed him I didn't WANT him like that. Rejecting him that night was one of the most empowering feelings I've had when it comes to him. No, I do not want to sleep with you, and why do you assume I will?? Sorry, you can beg all you want, but it's not going to happen. But it's funny now how I want it so bad, I was about to make myself look sooo pathetic. But I didn't and I haven't and I won't. As long as I keep his number away, and don't send any messages, I'm good. The funny thing is, I actually thought that's all it could be: just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Not wanting anything from him. Well, that's pretty much because that's what I'd get for it: nothing. That's Adam. And that's us. I wasn't expecting anything, because I knew there'd be nothing there. Maybe that's why I thought I could do it: I knew exactly what I was getting into. But how much would I be settling and letting myself down??? SOOOOO MUCH! I want to wait for someone who's worth it, not someone who only wants me for sex. Why would I even think about doing that to myself? I guess maybe because I'm feeling a little lonely? Could be. I'm definitely in a drought. It's been probably 6 weeks since I've kissed a guy, and it was a month before that. Where's all the guys this semester? There have been, let's see, 3 guys this semster. Only 3! How many were there last semster? Too many too count! I kissed way more guys this summer than I have in the past 3 months! And I was sick with mono the majority of the time! I mean, who needs sex...I don't...I just want to makeout. And cuddle. That's really all I want.

ewww...and please get out of my head! I really need a new guy! soooo bad...

Santa can you hear me? I have been so good this year...

NO MORE SCHOOL!!!! nooooooooooo! Just kill me now! I'm going crazy...

I am soooo bored with my life. I really need to find something to do. Time for bed.

What makes the one to shake you down?

I waste way too much time. Doing absolutely nothing. I'm so unproductive. But when I have free time, I have no idea what to do. Like this past weekend. What did I end up doing? Not much other than wasting time away on the computer. Well, I did have some purpose, like looking for inspiration for a project. But I've just been so creatively blocked lately. And it's driving me crazy. I know exactly what I want to do and want it to look like, but then I don't at the same time. It's so frustrating. I spent 4 hours (the entire FSU-UF game) on Saturaday online, looking at random websites. Yes, 4 hours. I was at my parents' house though, so at least I wasn't at home alone. But still. Why don't I do anything?? I have so much potential, I know I do. I just have never done anything with it. I'm boring. I do the same things all the time. Even when I have nothing to do, I have absolutely nothing to do to fill that time. I'm not lazy by any means; I just don't know where to channel my energy or focus. I want something worthwhile to do. Or, at least something different. However, while I am sick of the same routine, in a way, I don't want anything to do. But I need something to do. What am I to do with all this potential??

ok, so how pathetic do I look??( as I read a couple of previous posts from this week) SO PATHETIC!! ewwww....is all I have to say...don't do that again! too much time and space wasted on that jerk...

Don't waste this chance with your smile

I feel like I've been eating so much lately. Not of anything bad at all, but I feel like I'm hungry a lot. No, actually it's just because I want to eat these two new cereals I have, lol. Things still just keep running through my head like crazy; it just won't stop! I tried to take a nap earlier when I was feeling really tired, but couldn't fall asleep because I can't clear my head! Everytime I think of something good that I could write about, I just say, I'll write about that later. But now I can't remember anything! Random want: to go on an actual date. The last time I went on a real date was my date with Adam. Oh, actually, no that's not true. I did go on a date with Andrew last spring, but that fizzled. I guess I did go on one date with Chris, but I paid for everything, and he had 5 freaking beers at my country club where I took him to eat! And then he made me pay for his ticket at the movies because he didn't bring any money. What a loser!! What in the world was I thinking with him??? I ask myself that ALL the time, because I really don't know. And to think he was my first...but really, I forget that he was and would rather not remember any of it. It's sooo weird how I feel about him is completely different from all the other guys. Maybe it's because I never really liked him in the first place, and it was more like I was bombarded into this "relationship" without really wanting to. How easily do I not think of him. But with others, I can't get them out of my head. Skip has faded a lot, too. But not totally. I still think about him and those nights. I really am glad, even though things turned out the way they did, that I got that experience with him. I saw what I could be...my passionate side really came out in a way I never thought that I could ever be. Actually, it wasn't how I thought I could be, but how I never saw myself as being that way because I'd always detatch myself and feel that I'd always be trapped inside myself...kinda difficult to explain. But then again, the pain that I experienced...but no, it was worth it. You can't go through life avoiding love and passion for fear of heartbreak. Nope, you sure can't. I know I can't.

I'm holding on but letting go of you

I just had one of those moments where I just got in touch with a long lost friend....it really made my day to have found her, because I think about her every now and then and wonder how she is doing, but don't know how to get in contact with her. So this is good news. I was up at 5:30 this morning painting, because I could not sleep. So rather than continue tossing and turning, I decided to get up for an hour or so and work on a project and then eat and go back to sleep. That's exactly what I did, too. There's just sooo many things that would not stop running through my mind. It didn't help that I woke up at around 3:30 am, too, and decided to get on the computer. Checked facebook, of course...and may have stumbled onto something that I did not, nor do I ever care to know about because it'd hurt way too much. Why it hurts, is beyond me, because this person is a COMPLETE JERK and I do NOT WANT HIM, but because of the history and who it is, it will hurt. It was only a matter of time if I think it was about what I think it is, but I never wanted to think about it. So I deleted a few things and decided that it's not necessary to keep him in my life like I have been. He should have been gone long, long ago, but I never wanted to fully let go. Of course, I don't believe that is completely possible, because they will always be a part of you in some aspect, some way, but I've become unecessarily obsessive this past week. Thank goodness I remained strong and didn't follow through with any of my stupid ideas I had. And I never backed down (at least to him, but I was certainly thinking it), so it shows that I do not want him anymore to him. That's the most important thing, because I honestly don't. I want the IDEA of him. Without all the qualitites and things he did that made him a jerk. I wanted what I couldn't have. That's simply it. No, I'm definitely not going to hate myself in the morning over one night with this guy ever, nor any other guy from my past. They've proved to me they're not worth it. I AM WORTH IT. Every single bit. Occassionally, I'll think about sending Matt a message just to say hi and see how he was doing, but then I think, why??? Uh, I haven't heard from him, so clearly he doesn't want to hear from me. It's pointless, and would only leave me with disappointment, or worse, it would lead me on and give me false hope. That's something I don't need any more of. I actually don't even want to look at his profile, especially right now. I don't want to come across something that will make me sad or hurt. Plus, he just disgusts me at the moment. I have no desire whatsoever. I was thinking about making a bet with myself--see how long I could go. But then I realized that'd do no good; it'd be just like a very strict diet where when you're forbidden to have something you want so bad, you just want it even more and then go over board with it. I'll "indulge" occasionally, when I feel like it, instead of banning myself from something that will just end up driving me crazy. But right now, I'm glad he's gone, and I'm glad I've finally decided to myself that I'm done with him.

You'll look back and won't believe that girl was me

Wow...I just went back and looked at my first entry on here. I haven't looked at that in forever, and it was so weird. I read a few of the other early ones, and it's amazing how far I've come along since then. I realize I still pretty much have the same emotions (plenty of heartbreak), but I was just so sad. So sad about the whole Adam situation. He really affected me in a major way. Not necessarily in a bad way, either. I think he did a lot of good in the guise of a heartbreaker. I learned so much from that experience. Not that it's helped much to date, but I've grown so much stronger and wiser. Now, I know better. Even when I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, I at least know what I'm getting myself into. Oh, so I see that the jerk has logged on to myspace and didn't add me as his friend yet. What a loser. Yes, this is stalkerish behavior, I admit it. Why am I going back to him? I mean, not like he wants me back, or that I WANT him back. But that I'm starting to be obsessed with him like this?? Ok, so it probably has never really stopped...but since he's been on facebook, and now myspace, it's a little hard to not want to keep track of him. Hey, I know he does the same (there's proof from the occasional comments and that booty call at the beginning of October). But this is not good, not good at all. Because who's the first page I check besides my own? His. I'm soooo pathetic. I know I'm not the only one, because Ania does it too! We should start a club...girls who can't get over one specific guy, even though he is a complete jerk and we should not want anything to do with them ever again...except maybe a little one night stand, which will put us back where we were in the first place: MISERABLE. Yeah, that'd be the longest club title ever. I've completely lost track from where I started, and I'm not even gonna try and get back there tonight. More time to waste on myspace and various other turn-girls-into-psycho stalkers-sites. And I just learned that I have 3 subscribers to my blog on myspace! How cool is that...I didn't know anyone subscribed. Not that I write like this on there (whoa, that'd be revealing way too much to people who I wouldn't want to know was reading my stuff!).

When I'm waiting, when I'm waiting...I've been here before

Time has been nothing but WASTED today. Had class, came home, messed around on the computer a bit (I've rediscovered my obsession with myspace), went to the gym, gave Ania her present, and came home and have done NOTHING worthwhile since. Just listening to music and on myspace waiting for Adam to confirm me as his friend and looking for inspiration to make some layouts and other designs. I SHOULD be working on my public policy paper. But honestly, who's doing work right now? Most people are at home or on their way home...campus is going to be so dead tomorrow. And I will be in class, then taking a test. Woo, I'm so lucky.

everyday and every night...I wish I was your someone

It asked me if I really wanted to add him as a friend...did I really want to? I don't know, but I did it anyways. He better freaking confirm me!! Oh, but then the idea today completely repulsed me...and that's how it should be, right?? Yes. It should. We'll see how long that lasts...

I keep going back and forth...I want him, I don't want him...mostly, I DON'T WANT HIM...except for certain times....please come to your senses girl...YOU DON'T WANT HIM!!! But then again, I do.