So since you want me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say

My theme song for guys from now on is stated above. When I heard that on the radio I was like, it's written just for me!! Not really, but I thought how it fit my attitude about guys at the current moment. I knew after that night he'd end up like all the other ones--he'd be like them all. But whatever. I don't want someone who doesn't want to call me or spend time with with or who isn't absolutely crazy about me! And I'm going to be selfish from now on when it comes to this, because I always give everything I have to the guy, and for what? Absolutely nothing but disrespect and hurt in return. So not worth it. It's been a lazy, lazy day. It started out pretty productive, but then the headache came on, and then I just didn't feel like studying! I've got senioritis so bad! And I don't think there's anyone who would disapprove of me not studying so much...There's definitely a lot to do, and not much time left, so that's why I'm gonna make the most of it and study as little as possible to still keep my sanity while leaving plenty of time for fun! Alrighty, time now to try and go be productive for at least a half hour before I go to sleep...yeah, like that's gonna happen...

I'M SO HAPPY...I CAN STILL FIT INTO MY FAVORITE JEANS FROM LAST YEAR!!! I tried them on a month or two ago and they didn't fit, so I got really discouraged and upset that I had gained so much weight. Well, I guess I really haven't gained very much after all, which is good news. Now maybe I can feel better about myself and not worry about it so much. I've just gotta get back into consistently working out and I'm good, because my eating habits haven't changed from how they've been for the past 2 years. Now, if only I can get well and stay well, I'll be just great!!

The innocent can never last

It's cold outside, and all I wanna do is just cuddle up in my bed and watch my tv shows from this week! It's been another day where I should have been productive, well where I've tried to be productive, but a stupid painful headache has gotten the best of me each time. Did I mention how I hate being sick? This weather is just absolutely gorgeous, though. It just reinforces why I love this time of year so much...the dry, cooler air, the leaves falling from the trees, pumpkins! This weekend has been a recovery weekend for me--one to get well. Which hopefully will work. I don't know what I should be for Halloween. I'm pretty sure I'll be going out on Monday (Ania won't have me staying in, lol!), and hopefully Ania will want to, because I've never been out for Halloween before. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I did anything for Halloween. The last time I went trick-or-treating was when I was in 8th grade. Not that I'll be doing that...I always wish that I had done so much more when this time comes; it just goes by so fast. I'll have to wait for next year, though. I want to have a Christmas party after finals week. So we can all relax and let loose and have fun. It'll be a fancy affair, so everyone will have to dress up in pretty party dresses and stuff (always wanted to do that!). Sounds like a plan. And yes! We get an hour back tonight! No more daylight savings time! Woo-hoo! I definitely need that extra hour, although after tomorrow, it won't make any more of a difference! But that's okay...I feel like eating a little snack and getting in bed...so tired and feel another headache coming on :(

Oh, and boys suck.

A little piece of heaven turns to dark

I don't want to study...wasting time so I don't have to. I'm feeling creative. I want to make something. Too bad I really need to study because I'm behind in a couple of my classes from missing a day. I have a research paper to write. Two, actually. One is due in 2 weeks. Need to get on that. There's a big macro test next week. And a test the week after that, plus a huge book to read. And did I mention I'm sick? Not just physically, but so sick of school itself?? I'm trying to make the easiest possible schedule for next semester. No more requirements to fulfill. Just 10 hours of electives. I wanted to take a photography class, but no, you have to be an art major. Which sucks because I got really excited about it because I love taking pictures. I want a new digital camera. And a really good film camera. I can use my parents' old one if I want. Pictures, pictures, pictures. I'm obsessed. And I'm just rambling on about nothing because I don't want to study. No studying. No studying. I'm sick of studying. But I guess it's time to study now.

You've built a love, but that love falls apart

When will I ever not be sick?? I have not been well since June. Having mono really did a number on my immune system, because I keep catching every cold/infection known to man. Seriously, there has not been a time at all this semester where I was well. And this week has been no different. I hate it so much. And to top it off, I found another guy who doesn't want to be my boyfriend or have anything to do with me. It seemed really promising; except now I realize that it's not going to go any further. It was so different this time. I actually haven't done anything but makeout with this guy. Which I'm so proud of, because it's a huge change from before, where I'd jump in way too soon. It's just so disappointing. How can it not have something to do with me??? It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. This guy wasn't exactly a Skip or Chris or Adam...so far from it. He was actually the type of guy that I used to always go for. Not the one I had to prove to myself that I could get. When we went out, things were soooo good. Ania painted his wall at his place on Monday...couldn't really tell anything from him. But then last night, when we went back to work on it, I just did not feel a vibe at all. I don't know if it's because he had his friends around, or what. Ania at first was like, he's so cute, but then she started having reservations, like he doesn't call. He called me once. On my birthday Saturday to wish me happy birthday because I must have mentioned it a million types when I met him on Wednesday. We ended up going to a party and I stayed over at his place and just falling asleep in his arms was so amazing. I haven't called him; I have text messaged him to say hi, and wrote a little message on his facebook wall, but that's it. It's not like any of the other guys ever actually called me. I was the one always calling them. I don't know. Something tells me to just give up, not to bother or worry about it. But when is it going to happen??? I'm so sick of it. Where the hell are you supposed to find them? I know there are guys that will become involved with a girl when they find someone they like; it just so happens that I'm the one they will never like. It doesn't help that I HATE my body right now. Being sick has done a number to my body image and self esteem. I don't want to feel depressed and sad. I just want to get better. NOW.

Lately I've been thinking, lately I've been dreaming with you

So much has happened this past week...I am now 22 years old, which is really strange to think about. 22. That's so old! I had one of the best birthdays that I have ever had, though. You know what I always used to wish for when I'd blow out my candles? To be happy. And finally, for once, I didn't have to wish for that, because I already am. Wednesday night I went to a Phi Sig day glo party and met this guy named Sebastian...he's sooo cute and such a nice guy. I had one of the best nights that I'd had in such a long time. It was great because all we did was kiss and cuddle...absolutely amazing!!! But unfortunately for Ania, things didn't turn out so well...she ended up having alcohol poisoning and I had to take her to the emergency room and take care of her on Thursday. Luckily, she is alright. I'm so nervous! I just sent a text message to Sebastian...I hope he doesn't get the wrong impression...I really think things could work out this time. We hung out with him and a couple of his brothers last night and went to a party. I had a GREAT time with him. He would keep saying how we just connected and he would hold my hand and it was just so much fun. I went back to his place and spent the night, just kissing and cuddling and sleeping, which is all he wanted to do in the first place! He's kind of a surfer type boy, he's 2 years younger, but who cares?? He thinks I am so beautiful and sexy and amazing. AHHHHH!!!!! I really could see myself in a relationship with him. Hopefully he wants the same thing. He's so funny, too, in a silly kind of way, but he kept making me laugh all night. So sweet! I'm in love...not really, but I've definitely got a crush!! And Friday night...what can I say? I can't remember half the night, lol! Definitely so much fun. We went to AJ's, where there was like no one out because of FAMU homecoming, but I still had a good time. Obviously had a little too much to drink, and apparently was very sick the rest of the night. The last thing I remember doing was taking a shot upstairs with a really super hot guy (who happened to know Skip and his friends). And then it's completely dark after that point. Never got a chance to go into the fountain...was going to last night, but it didn't happen...went and made out instead, so it was ok!!

Intoxicate me now, with your loving now, I think I'm ready now

My brain is fried. No more studying or homework for me tonight. I'm about to go to bed in fact. I love working out. It always makes me feel so much better about myself. I just need to get back to the level of where I used to be, and I'm on my way, because I had a workout today that was like I used to do pretty much everyday...so hopefully that will solve my issues that I'm having with my body right now. Ok, so I have no idea what is up with myspace right now, and why I am getting all these weird friend requests from people I don't know...all of a sudden, in the past 3 days, I've gott probably at least 30 requests. Yes, it's ridiculous, and creepy! I have no idea where they're coming from, or how these people found me, because I'm definitely not connected to them through friends...it might be time to get off that site soon...well, maybe, haha...Guess who I HAVEN'T heard from?? Skip. But whatever, who needs him?? I certainly don't!! I haven't heard from the other two losers either, thank goodness! 4 more days...(sorry I'm obsessed!!)

It's just another manic monday...I wish it were sunday...

When did I become so insecure about my body? I don't know, but I'm more insure about it than I have ever been I feel, or at least in a long, long time. Why do I feel this way? There's nothing wrong with the way I look. But if it wasn't for that stupid mono that screwed everything up, I don't think I'd be feeling this way. I hate it so much. I just want to get back to normal. I have a major midterm on Wednesday. All essay. It's really going to suck, but the studying for it is even worse. I hate studying so much. But I don't have to make an A--what he's looking for is an impossibly high standard for only 50 minutes, having to write 3 short answers plus a full-length essay. Whatever. I'll just put down whatever I know, and if it isn't good enough for him, well too bad. Because I don't really care. They're just grades, and this is my last year. What good are grades going to matter out in the real world? I don't plan on going to grad school any time soon--I just can't handle any more school. I need to get out in the world and get some experience working. Not yet, though. But after this year. That's why I'm trying to make this a fun year, since I wasted the past 2 1/2 being miserable...

Let's go back, back to the beginning...

So I'm finding it very, very hard to concentrate and study these days. Could it be because I'm starting not to care so much? Possibly. Senioritis? A little bit. I don't know what it is, but you could NEVER get me to sit down and study like I used to, just a year ago even it. Not gonna happen! That's good and bad in its own ways. Good in that I'm not spending my life studying like a maniac for no reason anymore, but bad in that I still need to study. But whatever, I've been studying enough for this test tomorrow since last week, doing a little almost everyday. I'll do however I do. I cried at the end of Smallville tonight. Yeah, I'm a huge dork, and it wasn't exactly something that would make you cry, but I did. Clark and Lana were finally going to have sex with each other, and just the way they alluded up to it was just everything that I wish I had. I really can't distinguish whether I regret it or not anymore. Sometimes I really still wished I'd waited. Then at others, I was living in the moment, and at the time it was right. The whole time I was watching it, I thought of Skip. Why? Because he's the one who I've been the most intimate with, going beyond actual sex. That last time...the connection I felt was just too strong, too much to handle. I wasn't supposed to feel that way in that situation. But there's nothing I could--or still can--do to change his mind. Nor is it worth my time or energy to keep trying. I haven't heard from him in I guess 2 weeks now--not since I saw him at AJ's 2 Friday's ago. And he hasn't called me, so I'm definitely not going to bother. I've actually been doing quite well, and I've adjusted much better than I have with any other guy. Or have I really? Am I just pretending? No, I don't think I am. Yes, I put so much of myself into him, and he brought out a side of me I never knew I had, but I honestly am ok. What happened, happened. And all I can do is savor the memories. I'm not going to let this one get me down. I don't need him, nor do I need any other guy to get by. I'm doing just fine on my own, thankyouverymuch. I won't be by myself forever, despite what it may feel like. I'm just not going to put up with this kind of crap I have been putting up with from guys. I'll find someone who will treat me like the princess I am!

There's no easy way to say goodbye, so baby just say goodnight

Do you know what Adam said to me on Saturday night when he came over (besides begging me for sex)? He said I was getting FAT. Yes, me getting fat. In no way, shape or form do I think, or feel, or look, like I'm "getting fat." He's joked about it before (like when I saw him before school got out and during the summer), and I've always brushed it off like nothing. I still am, but it's really bothering me, not because I care what he thinks (or any guy for that matter), but because I'm still not totally happy with my body again. I mean, I weighed give or take a hundred pounds when I first met him; I'd run 5 miles a day for heaven's sake! And honestly, I loved the way I looked and felt, and I don't think I looked unhealthy, but I realize that I was soooo thin at some points, which isn't very healthy. It wasn't an unhealthy thin, because I'd workout and do cardio for about 45 minutes EVERY day, and I ate plenty (of healthy stuff). But as I look back on it and compare myself now, I realize that I needed to gain some weight, because I was just too small. And I've been sick for the past 3 months and haven't been able to workout like I used to. I'm just now really getting back into it. And yeah, it's taking some getting used to to accept my body as it is now (a mere 5 pounds gained probably--but I still don't like it), but I now I'll be back where I want to be soon. I won't get to the size I was for like 2 years, but that's ok, I don't want that. I just want my muscle back that I lost over these past few months. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that to me. He was just joking, but still. WHAT A JERK!!!!!! What kind of guy even jokes like that with a girl??? Right now, he just makes me so sick and so mad. What was I thinking Saturday when I let him come over. I must have been on drugs or something. No, it was all me. Unfortunately. I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. There was definitely a reason for that night to happen, because in the back of my mind, there was always this little thought that kept saying, just maybe...I'd say he wasn't a bad guy...I knew the way he acted and treated me made him a jerk, but I don't think I ever really believed it. I had to find out once and for all, so that voice could go away. And it has. Today was my second day (in a row) of not taking a nap!

Say it ain't so

Dear Adam,

What in the hell was I thinking last night, inviting you over at 2:30am?? Not that it was my idea; you were the one who called me, completely out of the blue. Actually, I had this feeling that you might happen to call; afterall, you did post a comment on my wall, something you've never done before. It had some purpose apparently. I knew from the moment I saw your number on my phone (I recognized the area code, because I deleted, yes DELETED, your number from my phone last week), EXACTLY what you wanted. There's only one reason for 2 am phone calls, and it's not just to say hi. I can't believe that you said you wouldn't leave this time. Like I was going to have sex with you. Again. Right. After the biggest mistake that I made last time. And it's incredibly presumptuous to think that I'd sleep with you after not hearing from you or seeing you in over what, 3 months? Save a facebook message you never responded back to (go figure) and a brief sighting at a football game. Do you realize how PATHETIC you sounded last night? You were begging me, BEGGING me, to have sex with you. Let's try it again you kept saying. You wanted to make it right this time, since it was quite a disaster the first. But why would I want to? So I could hate myself again? So I could never hear from you again? That's all it would be, and you know it. You haven't changed; nor have your motives. That wouldn't be it, you said. Sure. Like I can believe you after you've done nothing but prove the complete opposite everytime. We want different things. I put it behind me and moved on. But I guess I keep going back when the opportunity presents itself. Except for this time. I said I wasn't going to sleep with you, and I didn't. I'm so proud that I didn't give in this time. I can't do the casual thing. I've tried, but it doesn't work. Sex is NOT meaningless to me. For a while, I tried to make it so, but that's not me. I was pretending to be something I wasn't, and doing it for all the wrong reasons with all the WRONG guys. What happened to the days when we could just make out, and that was it? Am I just kidding myself that there was actually a time? Well, there was at least for me, when I had absolutely no problem saying no. But unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I just don't understand why you thought I'd be so easy (we did it once, so that means I'm going to again? I thought I made myself clear when I told you I regreted it). And you made yourself perfectly clear when you told me you didn't want to be in a relationship with me, because you think we don't have anything in common. And that's fine if that's what you want, but it's not what I want at all. And it's about time I start putting what I WANT first. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, who wants to call me, who will get to know me before rushing into anything. Ania came up with the best analogy one time: It's like starting a movie and fast-forwarding straight to the end. What about the beginning, and especially the middle? Would you start watching a movie from the end? Maybe, but you'd be missing the best parts. And sex isn't it; that's the icing on the cake. At least that's how I've always viewed it; although that view has become obscured in the past few months. But it doesn't mean I can't go back to that. Because I'm not settling for anything less anymore. No more guys who want to see me for only sex. I'm done with it. It's gotten me no where, and done nothing but make my life miserable. Sure it's great in the moment, but I want more. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. With guys, it's all about instant gratification; and you're no different from any other guy I've come across. That's why I couldn't believe a word you said last night. And why I actually scoffed at your remark about that it wouldn't be it. Sure Adam. I wasn't going to wait around for history to repeat itself. I can't do that to myself again. You showed me what you were all about last night, not that I didn't know it already. If you ever want to hang out during the day, go to lunch, whatever, give me a call. But until then, don't even bother if you've got other ideas, because it's NOT going to happen again with us. I won't let it.

you'll never find a girl who loves you more than me

Busy, busy, busy....so much to do. I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things with studying. I just don't want to do it. But I'm forcing myself to keep up, because if I don't, well I'll be very sorry and end up freaking out a few days before the test. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to do the least amount of work I can and still make good grades, something I've never really done before. I've always worked my butt off, doing way more than I needed to. Now I'm just trying to get myself to do something! On Friday after I got home from AJ's with Meredith, I deleted 3 boys from my phonebook. It should have been done a long, long time ago. One of them I don't know why I kept in there, because I am never going to call him or have anything to do with him again (guess who that is). But it was not an easy thing to do. But I did it. It was sort of liberating, not having to worry that I'd make a mistake by calling one of them drunk, or completely sober. But then on Sunday, I put one of them back in, because what if I wanted to call him sometime? Or what if I needed to get in touch with him? I did write all their numbers down beforehand so I'd have them if I ever needed them (can't completely get rid of them, that's too permanent, and very scary!). So far, nothing's come of it, and nothing will, but I just couldn't keep that one out for now. Maybe soon I'll be able to delete it for good, but not just yet.

pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about

So I ended up not going out last night. But it's no big deal, because it was probably the better choice to stay in. Meredith and I were going to, but then she decided that she didn't want to, which I'm kinda glad because I was pretty tired as the night wore on anyways. Martin stopped by to say hi, and we visited for a bit. It was good to see him. He's such a great guy-- I wish there were more like him out there. I know there are, but I haven't found really come across them. Sorry, there is no attraction with him whatsoever...just a good guy friend, which I don't have many of those! I ate with Ania at her sorority house last night. It was nice. Not really much else to say about it. Kinda strange being there, but the girls were really nice. So that guy she was seeing turned out just like all the rest. We can't keep doing this to ourselves; it's just not working and it's only making us miserable. We deserve only the best, not these mediocre guys we become stuck on. Because I don't care about all the stereotypes there are out there about guys and how they don't do this or that because they're guys--if they're really crazy about a girl, they WILL call. And you won't have to remind them to. They WILL WANT to call you all the time, and spend time with you. And sex will NOT have to come first. I don't want to sleep with anymore guys the first night I meet them. Because that's exactly what I've done everytime, with the exception of Adam. It doesn't work; it doesn't make them like you. It only makes you feel bad about yourself and hate yourself. And this includes Skip. I can't keep doing what I've been doing with him anymore; after that last time, I fell. And I fell hard. I realized how much I wanted more than this. I want to really get to know him. I want to spend time with him, other than when we're drunk and not just to hookup. I still want to see him, but not to hookup. I'm not calling him anymore, not going to waste my time on him. I know what he wants, or what he doesn't want, and it's not fair to him, or especially to me. I can't keep trying to make something out of nothing. He's not going to change, and I definitely am not going to be able to change him. Yeah, I thought that maybe if he keeps seeing me, he'll realize that he wants to be with me, and only me, and would want me to be his girlfriend. But let's face it: IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. And I can't make it happen. I want to be friends; I don't want him to disappear from my life. But I just can't do it anymore. Just laying there in his arms, him holding me tightly and pressed up against his body...it was sooooo wonderful. And what we have is absolutely amazing. But it's not enough. I'm not the kind of girl that can just hookup with a guy and not develop feelings for him. I've had feelings for Skip since the night we met. I tried to deny those feelings, or at least keep them in check when I've been around (and not been around him) and to try and convince him that it's nothing serious. But the truth is, I WANT SOMETHING SERIOUS. And this just doesn't cut it anymore. I feel like I'm missing something...I'm missing out on a whole step. A whole person, who I know is a great guy. And I want him to get to know me. I have no doubt that he likes me; but beyond that, he doesn't want more. AND I DO. So I'm going to start listening to what I want, and put that first. Because if the guy doesn't share the same intentions, then why should I bother on someone who will only end up hurting me in the end??

and the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men...

I'm so going out tonight! I haven't been out on a Thursday since, well since, I have no idea! It's definitely been several weeks. So Ania does not have a boyfriend anymore, and she was pretty upset about it the past couple of days, but I didn't know about it until she told me today. I feel for her, because of course, this is always what we get. Guys that don't want girlfriends. Tell me, where are the freaking guys who do want girlfriends?? I know they are out there, even college guys, because there are plenty of couples that I see on campus. Why can't we ever come across them? So much to do this weekend. I hate schoolwork. But I'll get it done without it consuming my entire weekend. Off to meet Ania at the library for some studying. I must workout today. F-this stupid cold that won't go away!!!

Gotta make that move to find somebody who appreciates all the love I have to give

Why did I do that last night?? Why? Why? Why? I made myself look soooo stupid and soooo desperate. And I never heard from him, either. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. Where the hell are you supposed to find decent guys? I haven't found one while I've been out. I mean, they are good guys, but when it comes to relationships, they absolutely SUCK. They treat their girl-friends much better than they ever treated me, seriously. And that is just plain wrong--on my part for sticking around. How come I don't see how bad they treat me? I want to ignore it if I do see it, or I try and rationalize it and explain it off. Thank goodness I have friends who recognize it for me. If only I'd actually listen for once...

It's the way that he makes you fall in love

So I succumbed to my own pressure. I didn't call him, however; I sent him a text message. Not that that's much better, but hey, at least I didn't call him! I didn't have to risk the humiliation of hearing him turn me down, or having to leave a stupid voicemail message begging him to call me back. So I did it in words, instead. I just said that I was bored and he was still welcome to come over if he wanted. It won't happen, of course. I just made myself look like a desperate idiot once again. But I had to try. I just had to do it. Because you never know...actually, I do know, I just don't want to admit it or accept it as true. It's easier to be naive and play the victim than it is to actually own up to something you don't want to face. But the thing is, it's not like with Adam, where I KNEW that he didn't want anything to do with me. Or is it?? I KNOW he doesn't want a girlfriend, at least that's what he told me once, but yet, we keep seeing each other. He was, after all, the one who called me the other night. Who am I kidding?? I'm trying desperately to create something out of nothing. At least, I don't want to believe what we have is nothing. NO MORE. This was the last time I contact him. If he wants anything to do with me, he can call me himself. PERIOD. NO IFS, ANDS, or BUTS. I'M THROUGH. WHY DO I LET HIM TREAT ME THIS WAY??? WHY DO I LET GUYS IN GENERAL TREAT ME THIS WAY???

SunZip: so, i never got the chance to tell you that i saw skip on friday night, after i dropped you off...i came home, went to bed, and he called me around 2:30, and i went over to his place to hang out with him...
Mere317: uh huh.....
Mere317: he conviently called you, and you convientely went over there.....
SunZip: well, he was like, i see that you're sleeping, so i'm gonna go, but i was like, what'd ya have in mind....i know, i know...i really wanted to see him!!!
Mere317: mallory..... why do you let him do this to you??? your so much better than him.....
Mere317: he was jerky to you at AJ's for the most part and then you go over to his house....
SunZip: i know, i seriously know....i don't know why i get so attached to these guys...believe me, all my friends say the same thing! i hear, but i can't bring myself to listen
Mere317: yeah, i know......
Mere317: we'll work on this together b/c this is definitley something i struggle with too, i just don't have a guy at the moment, so therefore, it's not a current struggle
SunZip: i'm trying....and now, i want him even more because my friend ania has a new boyfriend, and i guess i'm feeling a tad jealous (very happy for her, but you wish it were you, too)
SunZip: yeah we're 2 of millions of girls with the same problem!
Mere317: yeah i know, i know the feeling..... but that's why you gotta find some friends that don't have boyfriends or even potential guys at the moment.... hey i'm here for ya!!! b/c i don't have a guy in my life!!

It's the way that he kisses you...

My horoscope for the day:

Dignity and sanity are high on your must-have list, especially in light of all the recent compromises and sacrifices you've made. Go ahead and declare your independence from the self-absorbed and the selfish.

How ironic is that? I just checked it, and it definitely applies right now. And no, I haven't called. Yet.

It's the way that he makes you feel...

Why do I even bother??? I had this crazy idea earlier today that I'd see if Skip wanted to hang out tonight. I thought, why not ask? What's the worst that could happen--that he'd say no? I mean, you never know until you try. So I did it. Once again, probably against my better judgment, since it always just goes out the door with him. But I was curious. He responded first of all by asking what I wanted to do. So I said that I was thinking something low-key, like a watching a movie. He replied that it "sounds fun but I have to work until 9." ????? What's the answer? Is it a yes? No? Maybe so?? So I responded one last time that "that's ok, so is that a no?" And I never got an answer back. I guess that's my answer. I mean, I could have interpreted it wrong...he may have been saying that it sounds fun, but he has to work until 9, so we'd have to do something after that time. But it can also mean, sounds fun, but I have to work, maybe some other time. Know what I mean? AHHHHHHH!!! So I'm debating whether I should call him or not....NO! DON'T DO IT. THAT'D BE SOOO STUPID. It's 9:45, he's not at work anymore, and if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me. Right? SO DON'T DO IT. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE AND SANITY. BUT I WANT TO SOOO BAD. What if it's some huge misunderstanding now? What if he thought I was going to call him, and was waiting for me, like I'm waiting for him to call me? It's possible! Ok, it's most likely not probable. But WHAT IF??? That "what if" gets me everytime. What if this, what if that....it can drive a person insane considering a million different possibilities. BE STRONG. BE STRONG. I CAN DO IT. I KNOW I CAN. I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. My phone's just a few feet away...stupid phones and stupid waiting for guys to call. I hate it!!! But he's soooo cute....and I want to see him sooo bad...PLEASE CALL SO THIS MADNESS WILL END ALREADY!!!! But that is just wishful thinking. Why is it that what I want never matters? It's always about the guy, what he wants, when he wants it. Where are the guys who are gonna care about me and what I want? AND WHY THE HELL DO I GET SO STUCK ON THESE JERKS???????????????? I've got a problem. I want him even more right now because Ania's got a new boyfriend, and I feel left out. As if enough stuff hasn't already gotten between us this year, now there's a guy she'll always be spending time with. Yes, I admit I am a little jealous. I am happy for her, I really am. But why can't that be me, too? And how desperate will I look if I call him right now? SHAKE IT OFF, SHAKE IT OFF. YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT. IT'S BETTER OFF THIS WAY. It's exactly like the lyrics to this song: "That's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head." How much do you want to bet that I will end up calling him at some point tonight???

And that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head

For once I'm not taking a nap in the afternoon...well, at least not right now. It's amazing because I went to lay down and take one, but I realized that I can't sleep. But, as I sit here typing this, I feel my eyelids getting heavy...So, I saw Skip on Friday. Meredith and I went to AJ's, and at one point we were getting kind of bored because it was only the two of us and we didn't know anyone else, and it's the kind of place where you need to be there with more than just 2 people. I'd called practically everyone I knew to see what they were up to, but I couldn't get in touch with anyone. So I decided I'd call Skip to see what he was doing, and as it turns out, he was on his way to AJ's! I definitely wasn't going to leave at that point. So I take Meredith and we find a table in the front, so I could be on the lookout for when he comes in. We were right in front, so it's kinda hard to miss us. But of course, he didn't see me, and I went up to him to get his attention, but he didn't hear me and walked off. I was a little pissed at that. I went back and sat down and decided he'd just have to come and find me now, because I wasn't going to go up to him again. He kept talking to some girls for a while (I'm sure he knows them). Then, when I wasn't paying attention, he came up to me, giving me a hug and kissing me on the lips (and it wasn't the kind of kiss you give your parents or anything when you see them!). And he seemed all happy to see me, and did this little look thing that he always does when he's with me. He was sooo drunk, but it was cute. Some guy that I guess he knows came up and kept looking at me funny, and sat down by me, and Skip left, and the guy ANNOYED me so much so that I had to get up and go find Meredith. When I found her, she wanted to leave, so I told her that I wanted to go tell Skip goodbye. He was sad that I was leaving and gave me a pouty-face type look. But at that point, I was like, I'm such an idiot. Why would he be sad, since he wasn't hanging around with me, so what did he care whether or not I was there?? Anyways, I started crying a little bit when I got into the car, but not much. Just had to release a bit of tension. EVERYONE says to forget him, that he's not worth it. EVERYONE of my friends, including my mom. And I know it, too. But, against my better judgment, when he called me later that night, I decided to go hang out with him and some other people at his place. Of course, I knew what would happen...that's what I WANTED to happen!! I didn't really care about much else at that point, other than that he called ME, when he could have called, or brought home, someone else. But it was me he wanted to see. And I admit, it made me feel special. I just don't see how he can not feel anything, that it's completely meaningless. You'd have to be inhuman for it to not mean anything. Just the way he holds me, ALL NIGHT (and morning and afternoon, lol!), and just the little things, like feeling my heart beat, kissing me on the forehead, and holding me so incredibly close. We have this absolutely AMAZING chemistry. It's just unreal how attracted we are to each other. And I know it's just not me. Because if he clearly was just using me, he wouldn't act the way he does, because I've done the casual thing before, and it has NEVER been like this, not with Adam, not with Chris, not with Ryan. That doesn't mean that he's changed his mind about not wanting a girlfriend, but it doesn't have to be completely nothing to him, either. Friday was our 6th night and half the day (3:30pm!) we spent together. And I doubt it will be the last. Do I want more? Sure. But do I think he might be coming around somewhat? I do, especially after this last time. There was definitely something different with him, not in a bad way at all. But I'm still not going to push it, or wait around for him, either. Still taking it day by day, because as long as I'm still able to see him for as long as I WANT (it's not going to be about whenever HE wants to see me), that's what I'm gonna do. Oh, and guess who I got a facebook message from this morning-- ADAM!!! Yeah, he just wanted to say hey and see how I was doing (I guess that's it!, as he said). I'm really wondering what that means, because he's never just written me without having some other purpose in mind. Does he want to see me? Do I want to see him?? If that is the case, one thing's for sure: I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!! No, no, no, no!! If he's not in it to be in a relationship with me, I don't want to get back involved with him, because it will only lead to heartbreak. Guys don't easily change their ways. And I'm sure things would end up like last time. And I'm not gonna do that to myself again. No way. I wrote him a very short message back saying I was doing good, just busy with school and stuff, and asked how he's been doing. We'll see if he answers back...