The pain has a bad reaction, a blend of fear and passion

I know the truth now. It hurt, but at the same time, it was a huge relief to finally know. Now, I just have to figure out how I want to proceed from here, if I do at all. We had a long talk last night, probably the longest phone conversation I've ever had (over an hour). I had no idea that it would lead to where it did, but somehow we just ended up there. Partly because I knew I had some things I needed to say, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. Of, I was crying. Because he was saying things that were so true, but things that I can't help, or are trying to change. He wasn't being mean, just saying how he felt--that I was always nervous around him, and that he wasn't used to being around quiet people like me. There it is again. Me being a quiet person is screwing things up once again. No one understands. And that's what I tried to tell him, that he doesn't know me and that's just how I am. Yes, at first I was nervous being around him. But I don't feel like I am now. I don't know how to just 'hang out.' It's not something I've ever really done. I've never had people that wanted to, and here's another one. I ended up flat out asking him what was going on, where we were heading, because we were leading up to it, even going around it in ways. I just wanted a straight answer. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now. That may not be the case down the line, but right now, he just likes 'hanging out' with me. Nothing serious. And I told him that's not what I want. That I won't wait around for him to decide. He wants to be friends still, if I don't want to continue on. Like that we'd still hang out and talk to each other, but nothing further than that. I told him that I didn't know if I could; I still don't know. I never have. I'm not friends with any of the guys that I have ever liked. Friendly, yes, but actual friends who still do things together, definitely not. It'd be so much easier if I didn't like him. Then I could say, yeah, we can be friends with no problem. But I do have feelings for him, so it's not that way. I don't know what I should do, what I want to do. Mom says I should be friends with him, not completely go out of my life, because I may meet one of his friends and it may click (little does she know that that's completely out of the question). Just keep continuing on and see what happens. I told him I'd still call him today, and obviously that will mean something about what I want, where this may lead. Part of me feels like it's hopeless to continue on; but then again, I think about maybe if I just let him get to know me better, he'll want more. If he doesn't think I'm a complete psycho or someone he wishes he hadn't gotten involved with. He does want to see me still. That's one of the last things he said last night. At least he did at that time. But I don't want to be someone he only feels like seeing when he wants to. That's not even dating--it's nothing but hooking up, if that's what is going on, or just being friends. Maybe I should just see for a little bit longer. And if I continue to have the same feelings of frustration towards the way he acts, then I can just move on. But I have to be careful.