I hope you're as happy as you're pretending

I'm having the hardest time adjusting to life in the real world, and no longer being a college student. I need to make new friends. People my age, in my situation. Meaning, early-mid 20s, and working, and NOT in school. Because, basically I'm as lonely as can be. My own best friend forgot my birthday, and I ended up having the worst night of my life, staying at home, crying because I was so upset that nobody cared. I still feel like no one cares. I'm sick of doing nothing but working everyday. I hate it. I wake up, go to work for 9 1/2 freaking hours, come home, workout, then, after spending all day on the damn computer, I get back on it at home. I don't go anywhere. Some of the time it's because I don't want to. But most of the time, it's because I have no one to do anything with. I don't know what happened. I was doing so well, and now, I feel like I've taken 20 steps backward. And I don't know how to move forward again.

This is not right

I just came across one of the most disturbing things I've seen in a long time. I've become obsessed with quote/icon/survey sites on xanga since I've been working, spending countless numbers of hours on the computer goofing off. Anyways, I was looking at who's been visiting my site, and clicked on one of the most recent hits. Well, it took me to this site of some girl who was obsessed with losing weight and being thin. And I mean obsessed. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was this log of how it says how much she ate, how much she's going to work out, how many calories her goal of not eating that day was, etc., along with pictures of thin young actresses and models. And all the groups she belongs to are "anorexic teens," "i don't eat," etc., and along those lines. Her goal recently was to be down to 90lbs by the weekend. And I thought I was scaring myself with how I've been lately...I just can't believe there are sites like this. I was too disturbed to read the comments she got and look through her subscriber sites. It's just so incredibly sad. And the scariest thing is it looks like there are a lot more of her type out there, displaying for the world how they're starving themselves. Are these sites a joke? Are these girls crying out for help? I don't know, but it's disturbing to say the least.

I sometimes feel like it’s hard to distinguish between my dreams and reality. They can just seem so real at times, and the next morning I have to tell myself that it was a dream and didn’t really happen, even when if feels like it really did…

I wrote this last night...

So, I read this article today in Time magazine while waiting at the dentist today (I was in pain from having my wisdom tooth out--just one, and it was pretty much unbearable) about how teenage boys are not only about sex as everyone believes and have feelings and want to fall in love, etc. just as much as girls. Ok, so I guess it sounds somewhat credible, if only applied to teens. I could be wrong, because it seems like it's been so long since high school and being a teenager (at least 4 years!). But then I got to thinking about guys in college, and how everything in that article could not apply to the majority of guys. College guys want one thing, and one thing only: and it's NOT a relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to every rule, and of course not every guy is like this. But there seems to be a trend among the guys I meet and hang out with that seems pretty typical of the college scene--and I'm going on 5 years. Maybe I just have bad luck. Or bad timing. But the guys that I come across either just want a hookup, or have just broken up with serious girlfriends and want to be single. Or they just want "to have fun." Hey, I'm all about having fun, too. To a point. I've had my fun. Lots of it. Along with lots of nights spent crying over stupid guys who never deserved my tears. And it gets old. Really, really, really old. I'm at a point where I just feel like giving up. Like I'm never going to find anyone. Believe me, I'm not looking for marraige--far from it. All I want is for someone to simply give me a chance. To get to know them, and for them to get to know me. I don't ask for a lot, and I never have. I just want someone who cares, who is crazy about me, or at least so excited to have met me that they want to keep getting to know me. None of this making-out drunk and going home together (not that anything necessarily happens). Yeah, it's fun. For that night. And then comes the "what if?" excitement from meeting someone new, the possibility that it brings. And then reality hits--he never calls, or you do end up seeing him out and he's not interested anymore. Been there, done that. Countless number of times. And I'm done with it. Done. It's simply not satisfying. I deserve more than to let myself be used. I know I always say that I never will again after every guy, and I promise myself I won't fall for it again...it's hard to learn. It's hard to not give in to that feeling, that want, that maybe. But just maybe I can do it this time. And maybe I just will. Or, maybe I won't even have to.

I sit alone, in a dark theater

It's weird. I've been really weird lately. Just how I'm feeling. Which I can't really describe. Or explain. It's not like any significant event has happened that would have made me feel sad or incredibly happy. Not that I am either. I'm neither. But I'm not content. I'm not depressed. I just kinda....am. Just moving along, day by day. Nothing really exciting happening. I mean, everything is going fine. Maybe that's the problem. Everything is just fine. I mean, I did let myself get used again, by ANOTHER guy. Yeah, I'm an idiot. But I'm done with all that crap. I know what I want, and I'm not going to settle until I get it. If that means I have to use some self-control (maybe a lot of it), well, I'll try my best. It's not worth it anymore. I don't like feeling like this. Like how? I don't even know. It's just the strangest feeling. A feeling of whatever. Like I care, but then again, I really don't. I feel like I'm just here. Nowhere special. Just around, just existing for the sake of existing. That's a way to live. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. And so is Halloween. Both things to look forward to. If I don't get extremely stressed or upset about them beforehand. I just want to have some feeling. I don't want to cry, but I don't particularly feel like smiling. Maybe it's just a funk I'm going through right now. Hopefully it'll end soon...

And as for now I'm gonna sit around and hear the saddest songs

I guess you could say I'm just disappointed. Not upset, but a little sad. I didn't get wrapped up in him like other guys in the past, but yet I always wondered if this could be something more. But apparently it was just one week of fun, once again. When am I going to find a guy who wants to be with me for more than a fucking week? When?? Please tell me! I am so sick of it! Seriously, where do I find these guys, and why are they always attracted to me? Or, better yet, why am I attracted to them???? I just feel a little stupid for falling for it again. I guess I like the attention that I get. I probably blew it by calling him a million times (ok, like 4 or 5) on Saturday night, which I don't remember because I was wasted out of my mind and blacked out. That might have had something to do with it. So I didn't try talking to him on Sunday. I decided if he was still interested, he can try and talk to me. But what do I do yesterday? Well, he poked me back on facebook, which I thought had stopped, along with his interest. So when I see that I just smile and am like, ok, maybe he still wants to talk to me. So I poke back. When I get home from work, I see that he's on AIM. After much debate, I decided to say hi. He never writes back. He could have not been by his computer, but he never said anything all night. So don't really know what that means. He could have been ignoring me and not wanted to talk to me. Or he simply might just not have seen it or been at the computer. Whatever the case, I guess I will find out at some point if he still wants to talk to me. But in the meantime, I'm not bothering trying to talk to him anymore. I'm not an idiot. I thought something might have been wrong on Friday night. And it definitely seemed like that until he came home with me at the end of the night. You'd think I'd learn...

It's really good to hear your voice, saying my name it sounds so sweet

Ok, so last night could have been a total bust. And I thought it was for a while. I was supposed to go out, not until later, and I was all ready to go out, too. I looked so pretty--my hair looked great and my makeup was perfect and I looked really hot. But time passed, and it got late, and I hadn't heard from anyone (Nick is who I wanted to hear from especially). I had sent him a text message around 9:30pm, being all cute and asking him what would make tonight a really good night for him (and to keep that answer clean, lol). Well, I knew his phone acts up with regard to receiving text messages, and he was at rush, so I didn't expect to hear from him right away. But i did think he'd answer. But he didn't. So I got all disappointed and sad--not terribly upset, but I did start thinking about how dumb I was to think he was interested, you know, the usually stuff. So I decided to go to bed finally around 12am. I felt stupid for sending him that text and that I blew it. But I had to do it. Before I went to sleep, I looked at what I wrote him and saw that it said "sending in progress." The message had not gotten to him! I felt this huge relief, and tons of stupidity for getting all sad about it when it had not been sent. It all made sense then. So I resent it, even though it was late and was kinda past the point of the message. The point of it was for him to say "to see you." And then I'd go meet him wherever Sig Ep was going that night. Somehow, I think that message was not sent for a reason. I don't know how else to explain it. It's like what happened on Tuesday when I sent him one. It was the first night of rush, and I had gone to Sig Ep for a bit, and of course was looking all over for him, but I didn't see him. I got all disappointed that I didn't see him because I really wanted to see him. I sent him a text, being cute again, saying "you're hard to find" meaning that I couldn't find him. He didn't answer for over an hour. And when he finally did, I found out he wasn't even there that night! I felt so stupid! I went home and ended up talking to him online for like 45 minutes. Anyways, back to last night...so after I re-sent the message, he answered back not long afterwards, with "what do you think? where are you?" I answered back that I was at home and didn't end up going out afterall. He asked why i hadn't gone out and what I was doing. I said no one wanted to go out and that I was sleeping, despite answering his messages. He said thanks and goodnight unless I wanted him to come over and help me sleep. Now, this was a tough decision for me to make. To just continue on sleeping, or to let him come over. I had really, really wanted to see him all day--no, all week!--so I said I would like for him to, but had to get up early. He was like, I get up early anyways, so let him know. I then said he could, but that I was going sleep! So, he ended up calling me and he came over...We made out for a little bit, but I had to get some sleep. I didn't really sleep at all last night. But I was just glad for him to have come over and to have seen him. And he had wanted to see me, too! Which made me feel even better. Because had that message gotten to him sooner, the whole night probably would have been different. I would probably have been out with him, and still ended up with him at the end of the night, but I'd have been drunk. I'm kinda glad things ended up how they did. I need to move slower. And I'm glad I'm not doing things too soon. It's better that way and doesn't make me look like I'm easy and that I'm not only interested in sex. Because I'm not. I like how I've been getting to know him first, and not seeing him too much. Well, sorta. At least it doesn't make me look like I'm trying too hard or moving too fast that I scare him. He's really sweet and makes me feel good about myself. I don't know if this will lead anywhere, but taking it slower than I have in the past hopefully will help. I've already got a huge crush on him. And I absolutely hate crushes! Well, not totally! But it was nice spending the night with him and waking up with him there. Oh, and when he came over last night, I didn't have any makeup on because I had been sleeping. And he still kissed me. Can't believe I let him see me like that, at least it was dark. I actually probably looked better than I did the other night when I was with him and my makeup was all smeared and rubbed off...I just hope he still wants to see me again...and I think he does, because I got a poke back on facebook this morning, lol! And I sent him a text saying I was glad he came over--he made my night. So we'll see if he answers that. He probably will at some point...

I can't wait to fall in love with you....

Boys, boys, boys...I love boys! Well, not when they're jerks, lol! But, I met a new one this weekend! So exciting. His name is Nick, and he's a Sig Ep. It was completely random how we met...I was following Ania, he was standing nearby, Ania said something and asked him if he was a Sig Ep, we all introduced ourselves, Ania left, but he kept talking to me so I stayed. And...that led to getting dinner together, then hanging out at his house for the rest of the night! It was such a good night. I used self-control this time, so all we did was makeout. For like 5 hours! He is sooo cute, too! I talked to him online last night, and we were flirting like crazy. I think he's definitely interested. But I'm going to take it slow this time, not rushing into anything. I don't want to get hurt, nor do I want to do something stupid. So I'm trying not to get too caught up with him right now. We're also in a poking war on facebook. Haha. I'll probably talk to him later today. Hopefully! Ahhh...new boys and crushes....

Do you like it like this?

So I'm going to say, fuck working out, and fuck my stupid concerns, because there is nothing wrong with me!!! I'd much rather be having fun at happy hour than sitting at home miserable and feeling left out because I didn't go because I was worried about my stupid weight! I mean, I only weigh around 105! There's something wrong when a girl thinks that's too much...

Just tell me which way you like it...

To go to happy hour, or not to go to happy hour. That is the question today. I've been sick all week, so I haven't done much except be at work. And that's the problem. I haven't been able to workout, which is driving me crazy. Well, sort of. It's also my fault in that I could have done an easy walk/jog last night, but I ended up taking a nap, and when I woke up, I didn't want to work out anymore. My excuse was that I needed to give my body one more day of rest. Whether that was true or if I was trying to justify not working out remains to be seen. I don't know what it is about me these days. I just don't have as much energy or time to work out like I used to, and when I do, I sometimes just choose not to. And now I'm hating the fact that I've gained a few pounds and don't like the way I feel. I look at myself and say how I'm fat (of course I'm really not, but there's a difference that probably only I can see from about 1-2 months ago). I say I'm going to work out that day, but then something comes up and I don't, and I feel bad about it. The main reason why I don't want to go to happy hour is that I want to work out. I need to workout, for my health and my sanity. But the other part of me says screw that, I want to go to happy hour. But the sane me knows I don't need to drink and should workout, because the second I start drinking at happy hour I will hate myself for doing it. I'll feel bad, and start telling myself how this isn't helping and how I need to get my body back. It's just so frustrating to feel this way. Another problem with the drinking has been the eating while intoxicated...you don't always make the best choices. Like on Monday, I ate something that I would NEVER eat normally, but only did because I was starving and would have passed out if I didn't eat. But I regret it soooo much. All I could think about was how many calories was in that stuff (it was french fries with cheese and bacon and other stuff...granted, it was pretty damn good, but still...). Food is just such an issue for me. I've eaten normally all week. But still, I'm trying to eat a little less and watch portions so I can get back on track. Like I won't eat a 90-100 calorie whole wheat roll because I want to save those calories. Sad, I know. It's also a big deal when I eat and what I eat. I just hate this. It never used to be like this. I know when I started, I really controlled what I ate, but it was different. Now I just get mad at myself. I have to justify it if I do eat something "forbidden" or a little more of something. I don't think I'm gonna go so I can save up for the football game tomorrow, but we'll see. It's such a hard decision!

She's freaky and she knows it...

I think I've gone through another change. Another big one. Not that it happened all at once--it was more like gradual little steps, but then BAM! They all exploded suddenly one day and altered who I was. But it's not a bad thing. Definitely not at all. I have sooooo much confidence in myself, it's unbelieveable. And it's not only when I'm drinking (which intensifies it 100 times), but when I am just regular, everyday me. I think a lot of it has to do with going out so much and meeting so many people, and actually making friends with them, or at least knowing them. So when I go out, I know people, not just by their face, but I can actually hang with them and talk to them. Work has also played a huge part. I'm forcing myself to do things that I normally would avoid at all costs if I could. But the thing is, I can't, because I have a job that I was hired to do. But it's been a good thing, because I'm getting over the fears that I've had, and developing new skills while polishing up things that I was only ok at. For instance, calling people. For some reason, all my life I've had this phone phobia. So stupid, I know. But I just hated to call people. Especially people I didn't know. Which you'd think would be easy to call, because they don't know you. I think that was why I wass afraid--afraid that I'd sound stupid and they wouldn't like me. By my voice and what I said during a phone conversation. The more I write about it, the more ridiculous it sounds! But hey, it affected me, and still, I'm trying to completely overcome it. I really hate not knowing what to say. I like to have a plan. I'm not good at improvising, which is one reason why I'm so quiet in many situations. It's because I don't know what to talk about! But overall, I'm becoming better with conversation. Sort of. Well, maybe a little. Ok, I still suck at it! But I know eventually I will get better. And I think my job will really help me out in pushing my limits even further. I just have to keep putting myself out there. I also think part of my new-found confidence comes from me finally accepting who I am. And how I am. I still don't know who I am in a lot of ways, but I don't feel so lost anymore, like I used to. There's where the steady job comes in again. But I've also just come to terms with some things, or at least felt more comfortable about them. Especially when it comes to guys/sex. My attitude has changed so much over the past year and a half, but not more than it has recently. I like sex. I have needs. I will do what I feel like doing, and not get hurt. I'm not saying I sleep with every guy I meet, because that's definitely not the case, but if I want to, I'll do what I feel like doing (as long as it's safe, of course...number one priority). I guess I've just come into my sexuality, and have become more comfortable with it. I mean, hey, I am almost 23 years old, and I'm just taking advantage of that maturity I've grown into. Because I've definitely grown up. So much. And I'm growing up even more every day, whether I like it or not. I try to fight it by going out like I'm still in college, but I think eventually, no matter how much I don't want it to, I will have to cut back. I already feel like cutting back on the drinking some because I'm not liking the way it's making my body look or feel (it's catching up to me). Plus, it's getting expensive, and I just can't take drinking (excessively) 5 days in a row (like last weekend!). Maybe I can learn to not drink so much....The one thing I can say, however, without a doubt, is that I'm happy. I'm happy not from some other person (which means a guy), but I'm happy with myself. I'm happy because I like myself (well, my body image right now is a different story...). But I can just lay in bed before I go to sleep at night and look around and hug my pillow and smile and say that I'm happy. I am happy.

Baby, take me on a journey...

I might be going to Miami this weekend! It's totally spontaneous...Ania called me up today and was like, "do you want to go to Miami with me this weekend..." and I was like, ummm, ok! Seriously, I think it would be so much fun. My only concern is about getting back in time for work on Tuesday. So wish I didn't have a job right now, or at least I had time that I could take off! But Ania said we'd come home Monday night. But I'm worried about that because...the game is that night, and we probably would be drinking that day....I want to make it home alive! It seriously is a big concern and something to really think about, because it's such a long drive and the roads are going to be crowded because it's Labor Day weekend. And people die during this holiday. I don't want to be one of them. Soooooooo...we'll see if it actually pans out, and if I will be able to go afterall...

Baby don't be gentle, I can handle anything...

Ok, so maybe I overreacted last night (surprise!). The truth is, I don't regret not going to grad school. At least I don't think I do. It's never what I wanted to do in the first place. What I'm doing now is a really great opportunity for me, and I know it will pay off in the future. Plus, it's pretty nice making my own money. And I can continue to go out on the weekdays like I've been doing. Maybe not every week, or 3 or 4 times a week. But I can still do it. And my weekend didn't completely suck. It was nothing exciting, but I got a lot of things done that I needed to do. So that's not a bad thing. And now I'm all rested and ready to go out this week and have fun. I just wish I didn't have to get up so early in the mornings!!

And we can't waste no time, living life this way

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I should have gone to grad school instead of getting a job. I just feel so lonely and so left out. I can't not go out. Especially when I want to go out and not stay in. I just can't lose having a social life. Because I finally have one. That's the only way I'm around people my age. The only way I can meet people. The only way I may ever finally find a guy who wants to date me. For real. The weekends are the only days that I can really let loose. Where I can sleep in and not worry about any responsibilities the next day. I'll end up going out next week, but it'll be different. I'll have to worry about the time and about how much I'm drinking. I guess the only good thing about my not going out tonight is that I save myself all those calories. And I can use all the help I can get right now, especially since all that drinking and my messed up schedule because of work have caught up with me. And I'm feeling really insecure about it. I think Ania's mad at me. Why she would be, I have absolutely no clue. But she won't answer her phone, when I know she doesn't have anything going on, and she won't call me back. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And so does my weekend.

I know you see me looking at you when you already know...

It was weird. Last night was the first night I didn't go out in a long time. But no one else did, either, because of sorority rush. So it's not like I felt like I was missing out. Because that's definitely why I've been going out so much. Well, one of the reasons. I feel like people know me, they recognize me, which is cool. And I have friends. And a social life. Because that is so important to me right now. I never had a social life before a year and a half ago, and I finally do. I really feel like I do now more than ever. Like everyone is not just Ania's friend, but mine too. I also go out because I want to meet people. Especially guys. Which I do. Not that it's always a good thing. In fact, that's probably the last place I want to meet someone--when they're drunk and they only want one thing. And it hasn't worked out yet. At least so far. But maybe it will at some point, because I honestly don't know where else I'd meet someone. Certainly not at work, because I work with 4 other people! I just hope I can keep it up--going out and working. Of course, I could just wait for the weekends, but I'd be missing sooooo much. And I'd hate to think about not having fun out with my friends. So, why didn't I just stay in school, you might ask...That's exactly the reason why people go to grad school. But I'd still would have had to get a part time job, because I need the experience, and I don't think I'd be able to handle that and school. But I've been ok so far. A few times I've been a little hungover, but it wasn't anything I couldn't manage. There's just too much that goes on. Eventually, I might have to cut back a bit, but I'm gonna keep on doing what I've been doing. That doesn't mean neccessarily going out every single tuesday or thursday in addition to friday and saturday, because I can't believe I do it sometimes. Plus, I don't want to drink so much anymore. Haha, that'a funny. But anyways, I have nothing to write about, which is why I'm going on about this, which is completely lame!

Don't get caught up...

Ok, so I was just re-reading an earlier post and almost died because...the guy I was just talking about happens to be him! And boy have my feelings changed! Well, at least I think they have. I'm talking about Ryan...I guess I have a little crush on him now. All I know is that I want to see him again, to talk to him, to get to know him. I can't explain it. I'm trying not to read too much into it or to get too far ahead of myself, like I always seem to do. But it's just been so...so weird between us. Not "weird" in a bad way, but in a good way. Like how we always end up seeing each other everywhere we go (of course, that could be because he goes out as excessively as I do), but there's just this tension, this attraction that we both can't resist. So I'm just going to see what happens. And try to not get upset if nothing happens. Because that's what I told myself the next day, that it was fun and we have a great time together, and if he wants to get to know me more, great. If not, it's not the end of the world. Let's see if I can hold myself to those words...

Don't let the bullshit rock your world

This is going to be the absolute longest day ever! There's no one here in the office today, and I have nothing to do! And I still have 6 1/2 hours to go :( I still can't get used to this. But I guess eventually I will...I did it again this weekend. Something I probably shouldn't have done, but it was the heat of the moment and I really didn't care. And now, all I think about is him. It's going to be another one that I just can't have. There's definitely an attraction, but the thing is, I don't know what he wants. And most likely, he doesn't want anything more than what it was. Not that it wasn't good. Or fun. But, he is a guy. And in his last year of college. Hell, it doesn't matter what year they're in. They're all the same. They never want anything else, unless it's with someone else. I'm not starting to throw a pity party or anything, but I've come to the realization that guys just don't want a relationship with me. Why? It's beats the hell out of me. And I've accepted the fact about what I do. I don't have to, but I certainly apparently want to. And unless I start hating myself, then I probably won't stop. But I should definitely slow down....I just want to talk to him so bad!!!

It's just too little, too late

Why? Why can't I find someone? Why do they have to lead me on? I'm not a freaking idiot. I know when someone is checking me out/interested....and I know when they're not. Make up your fucking mind. Because I'm not going to put up with it. I'm soooooo much better than any of these fucking guys that I come across. Just when, please just tell me when, I will meet one that changes my mind? Because I don't see that happening any time soon. Or ever in my lifetime.

I need your grace to remind me to find my own

Water gun fights, slip 'n slides, and jello wrestling. Yep, that pretty much sums up my weekend. Such craziness. I can now say I have jello wrestled once in my life. And to think, I actually was about to not go through with it....but it looked like they were having so much fun. I just had to put my fears behind me and do it. And I'm so glad I did. It's all about taking risks. Even if they're small, but it's the only way I will ever be able to move forward, to better myself and become the person that I want to be. I'm getting there. It's a long, tedious, scary-as-hell process, but I know it will be worth it in the end. Just gotta keep taking chances and pushing myself to do things I normally wouldn't do. And I will not settle anymore--I want a relationship, and I will not sell myself short for ANYONE else anymore.

Here is where you wanna be

I wrote this while at work on Thursday...

Why do we always want what we can't have? I feel like a complete fool because I thought he was so much different than he actually is. Wow. What a complete jerk. Seriously, the shit that he said to me last night. Don't act like you're my friend and that nothing happened between us. "You've got paint all over you, that's what I like to see." Why, Jon? Why is that something you like to see? And that's what I asked him. I said something about how he doesn't call anymore, and he was like, "I don't call girls." What? No you did not just say that to me. Then he says that he knows he's a jerk. I agreed. I told him that he was, gave him a dirty look, I may have said fuck you, and then walked off. I did however get back at him by making out with another guy right in front of him on the dance floor. I spotted him out there dancing with some ugly girl, and I danced my heart out with Ryan. Yeah, I was trying to make him jealous. I know he saw me, too. Which is good, because that's exactly what I wanted. For him to see that I can have anyone that I want. And that I don't need him. But who do I really want? Him. But do I really? Or is it just because he rejected me? It's more likely that scenerio. I did like him, and I fell really hard and fast, but I won't let myself be treated like he treats me now. I should have known he was one of those guys who had just broken up with a serious girlfriend and of course doesn't want a relationship now. Whatever. He's not that cute, anyways. I can do way better. And as for Ryan...I really don't know if I like him. I definitely take advantage of him and flirt like crazy with him, even when I don't want anything more. I've noticed I've been doing that more and more lately with various guys. Not on purpose. Just because I'm having fun. The ones I do that with aren't guys I'm interested in, anyways. Except, hmmm....I can't really tell what my feelings are for Ryan. I mean he's a fun guy and we get along really great. We seem to run into each everywhere, which we joked about last night. I mean it was kinda random, it being Sig Ep's day glo, and he's a Phi Sig. Last night I also just wanted to find a guy so I wouldn't feel so left out, like I could forget about seeing John dancing with other girls and not wanting to even dance with me. And so that he could see me with another guy. But I wasn't actually using Ryan, because I did want to hang out with him when I saw him, not just because of Jon. It's been such bad timing with this guy. I met him, but then everything happened with Sam, we ended up kissing while I was not officially involved with Sam, but still (well, one last time)...And then came Jon...and now here he is again. I don't know. I did know that I didn't want to do anything sexual with him last night. Kissing, yes. Anything more, definitely not. Mostly because I want to slow down when it comes to that and make it actually meaningful, with someone I won't end up crying my heart out about the next day or two. Uh, because that's what's happened that with the last three guys. And I don't know...I just didn't want to. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to him, because obviously, I am, and he is to me, too. God but do I want more than that. So much more from a guy. I thought that it was Jon who that'd happened with, but I was wrong. I can't believe how much my judgment failed with him. I just let myself go, though. I threw myself into it, albeit quite cautiously and with lots and lots of fear that it'd end. And it did end. Was it because I kept thinking that it was too good to be true? It definitely seemed way too good to last, because the way I felt--I hadn't felt like that in so long. Like there was such promise. It was never there with Micah, nor Sam. I knew how they felt and what they wanted, or more like didn't want. But Jon completely had me going with the way he acted. All the way up until Wednesday night, everything seemed to be going so well. So well. Then I have absolutely no idea what changed, or why he changed his mind. And that was it. I didn't hear from him. When he didn't call me last Thursday, I just knew. Actually, I knew after he left on Wednesday that something just wasn't right. And I wasn't wrong about that feeling.