I really like the names Bradin (for a boy) and Bailey (for a girl). Camden is also kinda pretty and unique. Not that I'll be putting those to use for a very, very long time! I was going crazy today at Target with my mom...there were so many little kids there, it was ridiculous! When we were passing by the school supply section, I just had to exclaim, "Can we please get away from all these kids?!" They were running around and screaming all over the place. A nightmare for me. It's not that I don't like kids...I'll like my own and get used to it, you know. But in the meantime, no thanks. I'll leave the babysitting jobs open to others. Tried it, hated it. I just have no idea how to act around little kids. They come up to you and say things, and I'm just like, "yeah, that's great..." My sister says how in the world am I going to have my own kids one day? And I simply tell her that it'll be different then. I mean, I am only almost 22. Kids aren't a priority in my life. If I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, well maybe it'd be a good thing to like kids. But I don't and my profession will not involve children. My mom has even chimed in before and said that she wasn't a big kids person when she was my age, either. And my mom is really good with kids now. So until then, I'm not worrying about it. I'm so annoyed with myself because today when I went on facebook at one point, I checked his site, and there was some comment from some girl he knows and asked how this girl Ashley was doing. I'm hoping she was referring to his sister. But WHY SHOULD I CARE??? I DON'T HONESTLY CARE--it's that stupid part of me that won't let go. JUST GIVE IT UP. Why do I spend so much of my time thinking about someone who doesn't even like me??? I can't even distinguish whether I like him still, or if I'm still enamored by the fantasy version I concocted in my mind. I have a feeling that it's the second one. And if that's the case, then I perfectly fit the profile from the book I finished yesterday. Here's a perfect description:
"The most important quality a man must have, first and foremost, is that he is interested in us. We forget this; we hang on with hope and denial. And when that man, who is wrong for us anyway, loses interest, our egos kick in and all the weepy, bad behavior spirals into self-destruction and humiliation."
Uh, sound familiar? It's more like a quest for him to want me, instead of me really wanting him. I want him to like me again. I need him to want me. That's what it's become--this never-ending cycle of self-torture. He occupies a ridiculous amount of space in my head--and so I think-- in my heart as well. But he's just a waste of space. It's all empty--just fluff. Filling the so-called "need" for him to like me back. Which is so dumb, because I'm probably blinding myself to other really great guys who would actually treat me like the human being that I am. I'm changing my attitude. When I go out from now on, it's about having fun, not about looking for a guy. Because there have definitely been those nights where I've gone home sad because I didn't find someone. So it's all about the fun part. And hey, if I happen to meet someone, then great. I'm not referring to random hookups (the dance floor makeout guys). But someone genuine--someone who has a real possibility to be boyfriend material. I most likely won't meet this person out at a bar or club anyway, but instead somewhere where I least expect it. I'm just glad I'm a senior now...because at least the guys my age are more likely to want a relationship than freshmen (and I say that very, very lightly). Because let's face it, most college guys are in it for other reasons.
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