Well I thought that we'd be different babe, yeah I thought that we would last

All guys are the same. They really are. I know of no exceptions. IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO CALL BACK, THEN FUCKING CALL BACK!!! And no, not the next day. IT TAKES 2 SECONDS!!! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? IT'S NOT, BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME. ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT WASTED DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING FOR A STUPID GUY TO CALL. I'M SO PATHETIC, I HATE IT. We have another amazing night out (and afternoon) on Thursday, but here I am, watching a repeat of last week. I could be hanging out at Ania's, but I got tired of just sitting there watching tv. I felt like I was in the way. And I was really bored. And I really wanted to go out. With Skip. Thought it was actually going to happen when I called him tonight. First time was a bust, waking him up and everything. Then I called him back an hour later to say I was sorry again (he wasn't mad or anything, I just felt bad) and we talked for a bit and neither of us was doing anything and we both wanted to go out. Said he was going to check with some friends and he'd give me a call in a little bit. So another hour rolls by, I've taken a shower and put my foundation on, and am just hanging out doing nothing but waiting for his call back. And guess what? It never comes. So I called him AGAIN, and got his stupid voicemail and left a message asking him to call me. Ha. Fat chance. Why am I kidding myself? Do I actually believe he is into me? Yeah, stupidly enough I do. All the signs are there. Except, here comes the damn phone thing again. It all starts with this. Ania briefly mentioned last night she thinks he's playing me. I don't see it. He doesn't act like he's playing with me. These stupid games that go on at the beginning. They're so stupid. Can't call too much, don't want to do anything to scare the person off, don't want to come on too strong. Fuck it. FUCK ALL OF IT. Am I a little mad? You bet I am, especially when I start swearing. You know it's serious business when I do that, because the only other time I swear is when I'm drunk. Tonight's deja-vu all over again. And it's not a night I want to be repeated. But unfortunately, it will, because that's the way my life goes. Something good comes along, but something always goes wrong. It's like someone's saying that I don't deserve it. Well, I don't care if I'm being selfish, but I do. I'm doing things right this time. And tonight I probably just screwed it up by calling him 3 times. And this time I doubt there will be an apology to follow tomorrow. I'm not calling him again. If he has any interest in me at all still, he will call me. He doesn't even need a reason. Just FUCKING DO IT. He saw a picture of me today at some house he was at. He actually told me. Was he looking for me, since it was a KD composite? Or did he just happen to come across it? But why would he mention it to me if that wasn't the case? Obviously he thought it was important enough to tell me. Was it a sign? Did he want me to pick up on some subtle hint? Because I normally don't go around saying to people, "I saw a picture of you today" when I look at people's pictures. That would be tiring. I JUST DON'T GET WHY HE WON'T CALL ME BACK. HE BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON. I don't want it to be over. Not yet. Not again. Not so soon. I can't keep a guy. They start to get to know me and then they run away. I know, I know, "It's not you, it's them." But at some point, you've gotta wonder if it really is you. But that's why I'm using my past experiences from this year to do things differently this time. I haven't acted at all like I have with Adam or Chris. No calling him everyday, or seeing him several times a week. When does that point come when all they want to do is see you and be with you? Because it's already here for me, and I'm doing all that I can to hold back, and I really have been doing a good job. WHY? WHY? WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

Suddenly you felt so right, me and you, what a feeling

Today's horoscope:

This new romance is a total rush. You haven't felt this way in a long time. You're glowing. You and you-know-who understand each other intuitively. This is terrific.

SO FREAKY!!! because it's SO TRUE!!!!!!!

this could be different, this could be all i'm waiting for

This sounds pretty hypocritical coming from a girl who is a member of a sorority herself, but I swear, they're all clones of each other! Highlighted blond and brown hair, faces plastered with makeup, tanning-bed tanned skin, all wearing the same Abercrombie/Hollister look with their designer handbags. I don't think I look like them, the typical sorority girl. Do I? I definitely haven't conformed--take the fact that I didn't drink at all while I was active for 2 1/2 years and I never bought in to the whole Coach, Louis Vuitton, etc. purse thing. Because believe me, EVERYONE has one. But I never really got the attraction. Of course, I can't apply this to all the girls, because not everyone's the same, and not everyone's like that. But those sure were the girls I saw at the mall today! You could spot them a mile a way. It's that time of year again--rush. I do feel kinda bad now that I've sad all of this, because I've met some of the most amazing girls being in KD...take Anne for instance, who I don't know what I would've done if I'd never met her! I just got a little annoyed today I guess. Thought they'd all be busy with Spirit Week stuff and not be out at the mall when I was shopping today. But whatever. It was bugging me. So I finally looked at the picture that I took of me and Skip while we were out last Thursday. I'd been afraid to look at it, for one thing because it didn't turn out good, and because I didn't want to jinx anything. But it's really not that bad after all. I look decent, and he looks SO HOTT despite moving before the picture was actually done being taken (darn red eye flashes!). And no, I haven't been staring at it all night...I'm not psycho. I've only looked at it a few times! Oh, and NO COOKIES!!! Not for a very, very long time. They're bad luck. And no gifts. No mentioning far in the future, or "us" or anything that might scare him away for that matter. I'm just taking it day by day, seeing where it goes. I don't need to call him every day, since I think that's a huge turnoff, especially when I have no idea what we are yet. If we will be anything at all (I'm hoping--no PRAYING-- that that's not the case). But I'm gonna call him tomorrow evening at some point to make plans for Thursday night to go out with Ania and I. "Just call me babe, just call me..." He calls me baby all the time!

Heaven is a place on Earth

I'm in HEAVEN!!!! After overreacting, once again, and thinking everything was over and I'd never see or hear from him again, he calls me on Sunday afternoon! He apologized for not calling me back on Saturday. He ended up going to dinner with his friends right after he got home and he was out all night from there. At least he said he was sorry. And he asked me to hang out with him that afternoon! Of course I said yes!!! I went over there around 3 something...we rented a movie, and then ended up watching 2 more in the course of the evening. That's what happens when there's no cable! I must say, Fight Club, which we watched second, is really good...very strange, but good. We had some drinks and stuff...I hadn't eaten anything since lunch, either, and I'm surprised I didn't get completely wasted. I was just a little buzzed. So I didn't exactly plan on it at all, but I ended up staying the night...and I didn't leave until 3:30pm today! Another wonderful and amazing night (and an incredibly afternoon!!!!). Wow is all I can say. He just makes me feel so... there aren't any words to describe it. And the response I get back from him...there is definitely something there. I don't think it's going to end anytime soon. I invited him out on Thursday to 80s night at Potbelly's...Ania told me to tell him not to make any plans because he's coming with us...and he said sure, give me a call! I'm going shopping on Wednesday and I remember him saying that's the next time he'll be working...:)

Here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces

It hurts so much. Still no word. I should have known. I really should have known that this was going to happen to me. Again. We shared something so special. It was how I had always pictured it, how I had always wanted it to be. I never thought I could let that side of me out. But he made me feel so comfortable; there is something about him that I am so attracted to. Why? Why? WHY??? Was it something I did? Did I say something I shouldn't have??? I really hope I'm just overreacting. I tend to do that. But I doubt I am. Not all guys are jerks. I know that. But where are those guys?? And why do I seem to keep finding the bad ones? I just thought this could have been it. Not like marraige or anything, but someone who wanted to be with me. We just clicked. The connection was stronger than anything I've ever felt me. Or so I thought. At least it was with me. I'm never calling him again. If he wants anything to do with me, he'll call me himself. Which won't happen.

Baby, just close your eyes and dream

Why does this always happen to me? I have the most amazing and wonderful night and morning/afternoon of my entire life, and then there's nothing. Nothing but pain. And hurt. I just have a really bad feeling. He hasn't called me back yet. He probably won't. And if he does, he won't want to do anything with me. Because when I asked if he wanted to hang out anyways, even if we couldn't find anything to do, and he was like, um, yeah, let me get home and take a shower and call some people and I'll give you a call in a bit. He sounded fine when he first called me back, up until that point. I mean, I had asked him out in the dang message I left him. That's just my luck, of course. I think I meet someone so absoutely great and so right for me, and then it goes and ends as quickly as it started. Another failed attempt a a relationship this year. The third major one this year. The way he made me feel...it was just so incredible. My feelings have just developed so fast and they've gotten so intense so soon. I never thought I could feel this way. I've never felt this way, ever. I knew it was too good to be true. It always is.

and just being around you offers me another form of relief

I am sooooo bored. I do not know what to do with myself at all. I slept all day and watched tv. That's all I did. I was tired, but I also had nothing else to do. I need to kill time, but I can't think of anything! God, I want Skip so bad. I want to see him. He better call me tomorrow. Or else. I'll call him instead. But I really don't want to do that. Maybe I can make it seem really innocent, like just wanted to see if he wanted to do something that night, because if not, I was going to do something else. That's probably a bad idea. Dumb, too. Yeah, go and make yourself look desperate. He'll probably get scared off if I call...that's seemed to be what's happened in the past with every other guy. Like they're afraid of a girl who takes the initiative. They supposedly like girls to do things like that, so it takes the pressure off of them. Well, at least that's what they say, because when it comes to reality, I think they're turned off by it. Does it make us come off too strong or something? Too eager? Whatever the case, I know I haven't exactly benefitted from it. Except, I did on Monday when I called him. And he even asked if I wanted to call him...I should've said that I would. I knew giving him all the power would drive me crazy like this. At least I'd be the one in control. But my thinking was that I didn't know when he'd be free and want to do something. We should have just made plans for a specific day. Should have, should have, should have...yeah, there's a lot of things that could have gone differently, but they went the way they did. I don't think he'd care if I called. I just don't want to seem like I'm too eager, coming off too strong by calling him. He might get the wrong idea and rethink seeing me. AHHHHH!!!! Boys...so complicated! I don't know what to do. I want to go to the mall tomorrow. So I can stop by Hollister and see if he's working. That'd give me an excuse to call him. I could see if he was working, and then I could go and see him. Or I could just go in there and look. That might seem a bit strange though. But hey, I like to shop there...even more so that he works there! But with my luck, he wouldn't be there, or it'd end up being really awkward and embarassing. Tomorrow's gonna be a long, long day. Because he may call me, and want to do something that night. I think if he doesn't call me by the evening, I'll call him, so at least we could make plans for Friday or something if we didn't go out that night. I don't know what to do. I need advice. Should I call him? Or should I just wait for him to eventually call me??? Oh, the insanity...

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left

I can't get him out of my head!!!! I want it to be a few days later NOW!!! I don't want to have to go through another whole long day...just get to be the end of the week. No Wednesday, let's just skip to Thursday night. If he doesn't call me on Thursday, I'm going to call him. Hey, he asked me if I wanted to call him or for him to call me...and stupid me put the ball back in his court. Well, I'll take it away from him if I have to! I just hate waiting for guys to call. I know he's gonna call, but it's pretty vague as to when that will be. During the day? Or will I have to go all day for his call at night? It's torture, I tell ya. TORTURE!!! I can't sleep right now because of him....and I'm completely exhausted (I did too much today). Yep, I've got it bad right now...please help me...

and color the coast with your smile, it's the most genuine thing that I've ever seen

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took a huge chance, and it paid off big time!!! I called him this evening, after much debate and many failed attempts. His phone went straight to his voicemail, so I left a message saying that I called to say hi and to call me later if he wanted. And he did! I wasn't sure if he would, but he's followed through on his words so far. I'm so happy :) We "chatted" for a bit. Found out he just started a job at Hollister--even more of an excuse to go now! I think I scared him a bit when he asked me what I'd been doing all summer and I replied that I hadn't been doing much because I was sick and then I said I had mono. He was like, that's really contagious isn't it, but I reassured him I wasn't contagious any more--that was 2 months ago. He asked me what my plans were this week and asked when we could "chill." I said I didn't have any plans and he was like I'll call you later in the week and we'll go out. Actually asked if I wanted to call him instead, but since I figured I didn't know when he'd be available, I said he could just call me. So he is. I'd say it'll be Thursday or Friday, possibly Wednesday. He said he was going to take it easy for a few nights, but he'll call in a few days and we'll do something really fun....I knew he wanted to see me again. I just knew it. And I'm SO HAPPY HE WANTS TO SEE ME!!!! Because I really, really want to see him. Now I've just got to occupy my time these next few days, which won't be easy because I was absolutely bored out of my mind today. But now I've got something incredibly good to look forward to!!!!!

Lose all of my defenses...

And then it fades away...when he actually calls! Yes, it's true!! Ok, so it was at 3:30 am. But coincidentally, I had just gotten up to go to the bathroom, so he didn't wake me. Perfect timing. He called to tell me he was thinking about me, not to make a "booty call," considering he said he was crashing at his friend's house that night. Yeah, it was a drunk call, but if you think about it, when you're drunk, you really only call people you care about, not random people you have in your phonebook. He was so cute: he knew it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, calling me at that hour, but he didn't care. He wanted to talk to me anyways. I don't him he can call me when he's not drunk and it's not the middle of the night, and he said he was going to and will...It seems like a dream. When I woke up, I was like, "did he actually call last night?" Yep, he sure did! Yeah, so I think he likes me :) Normally I would dismiss a drunk dial, but since he knew exactly what he was doing, and he realized that it was probably dumb to do so, I think it's ok. I was just happy to hear from him. Am I lowering my standards? No, not at all. It was a different kind of call--it wasn't desperate or he didn't seem to want anything. We'll see if that's really true if I hear from him during the day. I have a feeling I will.

And the disappointment sets in...

And I'm hoping my dreams bring you close to me

I hate this part. The endless waiting and speculation. Will he call? When will he call? Did he really mean it? You tell yourself that you're not going to get your hopes up, that you don't expect anything to happen. But deep down, you know that's a lie. All you want is for that one phone call from him. It's all you think about. It's always there in the back of your mind, always lurking somewhere within everything little thing you do. You try and tell yourself that it's no big deal if he doesn't. It's all to spare yourself the hurt when he really doesn't call. So you wait, and you wait, and you wait. Maybe he'll call me later. Nothing happens. Ok, so that doesn't mean that he won't. He just didn't today. He'll call tomorrow. So your whole day you go on, wishing and hoping to hear from him. You inherintely base your plans on possibly getting that phone call. Should you make plans for that night? What if he calls and asks what you're doing? You don't want to be busy. But then again, you don't want to appear like all you've been doing is waiting around for his call (but honestly, of course, that's not true). It drives you absolutely mad. You become attached to your phone, even taking it into the bathroom when you go, because hey, he could call while you're in the shower, and you definitely don't want to miss it. You glance over at your cell constantly, checking to make sure it didn't somehow turn the ringer to silent (it could happen...). You become obsessed. Then you start to realize, why the heck am I doing this to myself? It's stupid to act this way. Here comes the anger aimed towards your actions. I'm such an idiot. How did I ever actually think he'd call me? Of course he wouldn't. Good things like this never happen me. It's a vicious cycle. It seems to happen with every guy; yet, you never seem to learn. Except now, everytime you promise yourself that you'll never fall for it again. But you do. Because we all have that little voice inside our heads whispering thoughts of hope. It keeps us going, it keeps the faith alive that there will be someone who does follow through on his word. Maybe, just maybe...

And he kissed me goodbye!!! On my lips!!!

Since you've been gone...

Wow...the things that have happened in the past 24 hours...Last evening, I was in my room, when I hear this shouting coming from outside. I go to the front window to see what all the commotion is about, and I see these 2 women and this guy in his car. The women are new tenants in one of the townhouses across the street, and the guy is their neighbor. The larger one of the two women was shouting profanities like crazy, apparently upset about the parking space lines that the guy had painted earlier in the day. The guy drives off, and then all of a sudden, this car pulls up and this other guy gets out and starts walking up the drive way. He's holding a gun and shoots it twice in the air. I was so shocked, and got scared. I immediately went and got my phone and called 911, because I didn't know what might happen next. Plus, it's not exactly legal to shoot a gun into the air. So I tell the dispatcher what has happened, and as I'm on the phone, the guy gets back into his car and drives away. The police would be on their way. Yeah, after like 45 minutes! I guess it's a real top priority, you know, those incidents with guns. They eventually came and I acted like a nosey neighbor, spying out the window. I didn't go out to see the police, since I didn't want to give it away that I was the one who called it in. I'd talk if they came to my door, but they didn't. That was basically the first part of my evening. It shook me up a little. Just like some new people to bring trouble to a once peaceful place. Anyways, I also went out with Blake and Anna and some other people to Chubby's last night. Pre-partied at Blake's first (of course). Had my 10-calorie fruit juice and vodka drinks...I know, I'm probably the only person that counts, or even worries about, calories when it comes to drinking. Had a shot, plus finished off someone else's vanilla vodka tonic, which by the way, was incredibly good. But, it could've been due to the previous consumption of alcohol that night. I was feeling REALLY good by the time we go to the club, where it was not crowded at all--I've never seen it that way before. Anyways, I was scouting around for some guys...there was this one at this table behind us that big-time kept looking at me, in such an obvious way. I wasn't sure if he was cute enough or not, had to get some second opinions. But he ended up leaving. No big deal. Then we wandered into the dance floor area, where I came across this really hot guy in a blue polo shirt. He was looking in my direction, and as I got near, I looked at him and gave him a little smile to show that I was interested. Well, I mentioned to Anna that I thought he was really cute, and she said Blake knew him. So Blake called him over and introduced us. We hit it off and danced the remainder of the time while there. He came back to Blake's with me. Oh, forgot to mention the major making out on the dance floor. Such a great kisser! Definitely thinks I was because he told me!!! Anyways, back at Blake's we're all hanging out, the two of us are cuddling on this bean bag chair...everyone leaves...we start to kiss...move to the empty bedroom...and seriously stay up all night making out. The rest is private! But seriously, this guy, his name is Skip--that's what everyone calls him, I'm sure it's not his real name, he is SO HOT!!!! He is by far the hottest guy I've been with so far. His body...absolutely incredible! And he's so nice, too. I don't really expect anything...well, ok, maybe so, but I'd definitely like something to. The thing about last night with him is that it was basically everything I'd been wanting. He HELD me in his arms the ENTIRE night. Not just until we fell asleep. I woke up literally in his arms. And there was not at one point he tried to not hold me. Or kiss me! This morning it was so cute, when we first woke up, he kissed me! And kept kissing me...so sweet! It did not feel like a one night fling at all. And I think that's why I was so comfortable with it (and him). I have absolutely NO regrets today. It was just a wonderful night. And I don't think that will be the end of it, since he invited me to a party tonight (said there's supposed to be one) and said he'd call me later. Trying not to think to much about it (the ever-elusive phone call) and trying not to get my hopes up. I've had a permanent smile on my face all day :)

Hear me I'm crying out

MY TREADMILL WORKS!!! FINALLY!!!! My dad figured out the problem and fixed it for me today. I'M SO HAPPY!!!!

And there were these nights where I'd sing myself to sleep

I just love rainy days like this--a steady rain with rumbling thunder in the distance. It was just so peaceful and relaxing that I had to get back into bed and sleep a little. I love when it gets really dark outside during the day. I can't think of anything more romantic. I wish I had somebody to cuddle with under the covers in a comfy, cozy bed. Maybe someday...

Now all that's left of me is what I pretent to be

It seems like everybody is having a birthday lately. I log onto facebook, and there greeting me everytime is this list that keeps getting longer everyday saying "so and so's birthday is today, so and so has a birthday on." Am I a bit jealous? Jealous, no. But I do wish my birthday would come sooner. Selfish, I know. But I feel like I really missed out on my 21st. And there's no one to blame for that except for myself. I was a different person then. Not like I am now. I'm going to go all out for my 22nd. It's going to be a 21 + 1 birthday...the 21st that I never, but should have, had. I've already started planning it. Well, sorta. I want all my friends there. We'll go out on Friday AND Saturday nights! Now, only 2 months to go...

And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you a no

Watching Everwood tonight made me wish I had waited. I don't regret what I did, but I wish I was able to share myself with someone that I truly loved, and who loved me back. I may never be able to get that first time back, but I can still experience what I thought I was waiting for for so long. It just may take awhile, and I can't make any promises. I do know that I don't want it to be meaningless again. Never, ever, will go back to Adam. I know I've said that a million times, and I definitely have broken that promise, but where does it get me? I was actually thinking about writing him an email the other night (after I'd had a few drinks, of course). But I sobered up real quick, and luckily I went with my instincts and DID NOT make that mistake. I'm so glad I came to my senses. It's this kind of stuff that I need to rid my life of. I've got the memories, and that's all that's left. There is no future with him. No point in wasting my dreams on him anymore. I'm just afraid that one day if--and this is a HUGE if--he calls and wants to see me, or I run into him somewhere, that I won't be able to resist. I don't want to be weak, be I fear that's what will happen. But deep in my heart, and especially in my head, I DO NOT WANT IT TO. It's only for the best--to keep my sanity intact. I'll never break the cycle if I don't just start telling myself no. No when my mind starts wandering back to him. No when I start thinking I want to see him. Only a long, long time from now will I safely be able to reminisce. Until then, there's a huge danger in doing so. I get stuck, and I end up not wanting to move on, when I know that's what I really want to do. I want to stop the madness that he's caused within me. Too much heartache lies within everything "Adam." He's caused me enough pain. Actually, I've caused myself most of the pain by continuously going back to him, whether in person or in memory. Truthfully, I feel numb to emotions right now. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't know whether it's from the medication I've been on (which I will hopefully be able to get off of soon), or if it's because I'm actually fully content and happy with myself and my life, and there's no serious drama to get in the way. I don't feel like I'm "happy" happy, but I'm definitely not sad. I'm just kind of "there." Not in a bad place, but one lacking emotion. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is my body image. Due to being sick, I have gained some weight. It's really probably only a couple of pounds, and I'm sure no one else can tell, but I certainly can. It's been forever since I felt so inadequate and insecure about my body. I just cannot wait until I can get back into my workout routine. It's all I want right now. I was just so fit, and I loved the way I looked, and most of all, how I felt. It's just really discouraging when you can't really fit very well into a pair of jeans that you wore just a couple months ago. But I've got to stay positive about it. I'm going to lose this excess weight once I become active again. But until then, I feel so helpless. I want to do so much, but my body won't let me. I've been taken hostage by this energy-stealing virus that just won't go away. I really don't know how I'm going to deal when school starts. I don't know if I'll be better by then. I'm just sick of being so tired all the time. Today was not a good day in that area. I felt weak and drained. That is the story of my life lately.

Take a photograph and laugh at me

I'm glad it started getting cloudy and rainy today. Not that I'm in a bad mood whatsoever, but I just didn't feel like sleeping through a beautiful sunny day again. Even though it'd be stifiling hot outside. Which is another good thing about it being cloudy--it keeps the temperature down. So that's basically what I've done today-- sleep. Recovering from a long night. I must say, I have a new perspective. I have a greater appreciation for everyone that has taken care of me when I've been really, really drunk. And that mainly means Ania. Wow. It is not fun at all, and really ruins your night. But it's something that I would have done, no matter what, because I know I'd have wanted the same thing. That's what friends are for. And everyone has those kind of nights where they drink way too much and lose control of themselves and basically pass out. I know I've definitely had one like Meredith experienced last night. And maybe a few more that haven't come quite as close, but close enough. Blake and Anna were so nice...they're like, Saturday night, we're picking you up so you won't have any worries. Which is sweet, but it's not like I go home anyways...I drive my car to his apartment complex and stay at his place. I said it wasn't necessary because then how would I get home the next day? I can't call my sister because she'd complain to me for that exact reason--why didn't you have your car? But the gesture is sweet anyways. They felt so sorry for me last night. But I don't think it would have been that fun of a night, anyways, for some reason. I was barely affected at all by what I had drank--an amount that normally would have definitely had an effect on me. Baja's just isn't that much fun--there's only been one time that I've actually had fun there. But it's okay. I've got Saturday to look forward to. And Friday...but no drinking that night. It'll be a movie night with the girls.

I know there's little use in crying

I found out today that Chloe has feline AIDS. And she's probably around 2 years old, not a kitten like we thought. But there's no way I'm going to abandon her. Someone's already done that once to her. She's such a sweet and beautiful cat. A little crazy at times, but I've fallen in love with her. It'll be hard (if and) when she gets sick. But that might not be for years and years. I'm going to take care of her and give her a really good life while she's alive. That's what it's all about. The quality, not necessarily the length of time, you have with a pet. I know it'll be very sad, and I hope I don't have to face that day, but I'll love her until her time comes. You wouldn't abandon a child if they developed a deadly disease; it's the same way for me with an animal. At least she doesn't know. There's peace in mind sometimes in being oblivious to the truth.