These hearts they race from self control

I want to clear something up about what I said last night. I'm not upset about the date. Disappointed, yes. But did I cry about it? No. And I won't. I'm proud of myself for going out with him. Because normally, I know I wouldn't have--especially with a younger guy. But I'm really scared. I am starting to like him. He is seriously one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He's thinking about driving all the way home to Miami this weekend just to cheer up his mom by surprising her with his visit. Now that is so incredibly sweet. I don't not want to see him again, because I really like being around him. And maybe it was a good thing that we didn't kiss last night, so what we have isn't just merely physical. I think he was nervous. I know I was. I'm just so afraid I'm going to fall for him, and then he'll leave. One thing that I like about him is that I feel like there's no pressure--and I don't think that there will be, if the past nights I spent with him (especially Saturday) are any indication. Which is so freeing, because with Adam and the guy from Gainesville and Friday night, well, they wanted more. And I was not (and still am not) willing to go any further than kissing. I want to fall in love first. Because it's something special to me, not something I can just give up to anyone. I was so making eye contact with this guy in my last class today...I never really noticed him before, but he's pretty cute, and I'd just kinda glance in his direction every now and then...I'm not sure if he caught on or not, but he definitely was looking at me, too. Not going exclusive with Andrew, but I want to continue seeing him. I'm keeping my options open for other guys, too. Because I don't know if it'll work out, and I don't want to become too invested. I think it's too late for that, though. Why does this have to happen??? If only he were staying this summer...it'd be so perfect. But nothing's perfect, which is why it won't work out in the end. But I'll try and have my fun while I can, without letting myself fall too hard. No promises though.

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep

So, I'm back from my date. I know, it's early. We went to see a movie--Ms. Congeniality 2. Please do not go see it if you haven't. It's not worth it. The date went well, but nothing special happened. I kept hinting for him to hold my hand in the theater, but he never did. And I couldn't read him to decide to do it myself. I wanted to, but I was so unsure. I like him--he's a really nice guy. And so incredibly cute. But I don't think it's gonna work out. I'm feeling disappointed right now. I want it so bad. To had what I had again. But he won't be here this summer. It has nothing to do with his age--I forgot about that tonight. He's from Miami, and I'm sure he isn't interested in any type of relationship--and there's no way I could do a long distance relationship. I think he'll call me again, and if he does, I'd still like to hang out with him, but I'm not going to devote myself exclusively to him. I'm going to move on...I'm also afraid if I stay, I will end up liking him and getting hurt again. And I don't want that. I don't want to hurt again. I want to find someone. I'm going to keep going out. But those kisses...they were so incredible. The way I felt--it was so amazing. That's why I can't let anything go much further, because I've already gone way too far. I just can't get my hopes up, because I always come crashing down. Everytime.

Safe from those stupid questions, hey did you get some? man, that is so dumb

Apparently I kinda look like Gwenyth Paltrow. And the Olsen twins. Go figure. Some guy on myspace messaged me saying that I look like Gwenyth, and the girl at the eye doctor thought I looked like one of the Olsen twins. I don't think I look like either. Not that it's not a huge compliment or anything, because they're all very pretty. I just don't see it. That's not the first time someone has said I look like Gwenyth--I've gotten that before. I called Andrew a little while ago to see if he wanted to hang out and watch a movie or something tonight if he wasn't busy. I had to leave a message because he didn't answer. I hate leaving messages. Well, sometimes. Not in cases like these though, because I don't have a very good track record asking guys out. --He just called back-- He can't do anything tonight because he's got something going on with his fraternity, but we're gonna go out tomorrow night to see a movie or something. :) I think that'll work out better anyways, because I'm really tired and my throat is killing me. I think it's from all the pollen in the air. That's one of the things I don't like about spring. I was going to go out with Ania, but she hasn't slept in 3 days...she's got a new guy, too...The only thing is I think I look so pretty tonight! But, hopefully I'll look good tomorrow, too. I'm excited!!! So he's definitely interested...I think he might be a little intimidated (that's what Ania thinks) because I'm older and he might not want to seem like some over eager freshman. But, I don't think I'm intimidating. Am I? Yeah, I can see how the age thing could be somewhat intimidating, but other than being a girl...I mean, we've big-time made out with each other....But it's different when you're sober I suppose. I'm so nervous! I think I might like him. I want to see him. I want to kiss him (I don't think there will be a problem there!!!). I must say though, that Adam really taught me well, because I no longer feel like I have a problem. I think I like the way Andrew kisses me better. Not as aggressive, and I can follow better. Actually, I've been more of the leader...Is it strange to go out with a guy 2-3 years younger? I mean, I know the reverse happens all the time--and it's perfectly (well, in most cases) socially acceptable. It's not like this is a Demi-Ashton situation by any means though. It's not that big of a deal...just gotta get used to the idea. Actually, I think I've gone out with more younger guys than older (prom dates were all younger...). And I think I'd prefer younger to older with my level of experience. I'd just like to get to know him, and then I think I'll be a better judge--if his maturity level is way too low, then I don't think it'll work. But we'll see. I've learned some important lessons from my experience with Adam, and am going to try and do some things differently. Definitely going to take things slower, and not rush into it...and I want to find out what exactly he's looking for--a girlfriend, just someone to date, or a relationship. Because if he's not wanting to committ to at least having a girlfriend, then I don't want to waste my time and energy and end up falling for someone who will just leave me again. But, I won't come right out with that...I'll see how things go for a little while. No gifts (even though I gave it to make him happy and because he had liked it so much). Unless I know for sure it wouldn't do anything. Other than that, I don't really know what else I did wrong. I dedicated a lot of my time, and apparently my efforts were only in vain. But that doesn't mean this guy will be like that. Because they're 2 completely different people from what I've seen so far. And that's a huge plus. (No Republican this time--no offense to anyone, but I think that might have been part of it--too different of views). Tomorrow is going to take forever to get here! But I need to use my time wisely to read some of a huge book that I have to have read by the beginning of next week. It feels good writing like this again, since it's been a while.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, so won't you kill me, so I die happy

I am sooooo incredibly tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I need sleep so bad. Yet, here I am writing this. I haven't written anything in a while. I haven't had much time. Been really busy this weekend. Anyways, so much to tell...don't even know where to begin. I'll start with Friday. So I did end up hanging out with Blake that night. Went over to his place to preparty. There were a bunch of guys there...they were all pretty cute, actually. So I ended up having to take my car back to my house because there wasn't anywhere to park that it wouldn't get towed. Feeling pretty good when we left for Stetson's. Turns out Blake is friends with Kresslyn Kissane (from high school). We rode in her car. Stetson's wasn't really all it's cracked up to be. At least it wasn't on this night. I can't dance to country. And I felt a little out of place. I danced with some guy for a while. Nothing happened, which I'm glad. I had 4 drinks while I was there...I was so drunk by the time we got back to Blake's apartment. And his roommate was definitely hitting on me, because I was complaining how I didn't find a guy to make out with that night...I'll leave out some things, but just know that I was so wasted that night. I had fun, but the next morning I woke up feeling very strange, very disappointed in myself. I so hooked up with Blake's roommate Ryan. He's really hot, but I felt absolutely nothing...he definitely wanted more than what I was willing to give him, but all we did was make out. And I slept in his bed with him. Felt so weird the next morning. I just wanted to leave, but I didn't have my car...I was stranded. I called everyone in my phone book (except for one person, guess who that is). I couldn't reach ANYONE. I was so upset. I was so tired and hungover. I didn't know what to do. I thankfully ended up getting a hold of Meghan. She was a livesaver. I owe her big time, but I don't mind. I really appreciated it. Went home and slept for a while. But I couldn't sleep too much because I had some studying to do. Ended up not really doing any. While I was sleeping, Andrew called me and left a message, asking if I wanted to do something that night. I was so suprised that he called, because I did not think that he would. I had mixed feelings. I was happy that he called, but then again, I didn't know if I should go out with him. But then I called Ania to tell her, and she asked me if I wanted to go to Chubby's that night. I wasn't planning on going out because I was so tired, but I couldn't resist. I told her about Andrew calling and she said to invite him. So I did. I got ready at Ania's, which was fun. Then we went down to Andrew's room for some drinks. I was so nervous. What if he wasn't what I remembered? What if he saw me again and was like, that's her? But it was all good. He was happy to see me, and I wasn't disappointed either. He's just SOOOOO CUTE!!!! So yeah, had a really great time that night. I love kissing him so much. And I loved falling asleep and waking up in his arms. We're supposed to go out this week. I think I might call him tomorrow to see if he wants to hang out, though. But that'd be in addition to also going on a date. I want to see him so bad. I was thinking maybe tonight, but I'm just so exhausted. This weekend's lack of sleep has really caught up with me today. And I have a really long day ahead of me. So I think I'll wait until I feel (and look) better. Okay, I'm about to pass out, literally...

And you kissed me like you meant it, and I knew that you meant it

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last night was absolutely INCREDIBLE!!!! I have so much to tell, about last night and Friday night. But I don't have that much time (stupid studying!!) So I'll just say this: Andrew (the guy from Wednesday) called me yesterday afternoon. I called my friend Ania to tell her, and she said she was going to Chubby's and invited me along. I thought, what the heck, why not? So I talked to Andrew and told him about it, and he went with us. HE IS SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!!! We made out essentially the whole time on the dance floor...it was crazy. I was feeling so good too, had the perfect amount to drink. Not to mention, I spent the night with him...(only kissing, I'm not that kind of girl!) I have NEVER been kissed like he kissed me last night. It was SO AMAZING!!!! I was literally weak at times...And we're going to go on a real date sometime this week. AHHHHH!!!!!!! When we got up to my friend's room, she jumped in the shower, and said that we could come in and "talk" while she was in the bathroom...well, she put on the PERFECT song that describes the night absolutely perfectly: Dashboard Confessional's Hands Down....so amazing....I'm in heaven right now....

I've been looking for the answer, somewhere...

As Blake put it best, I'm in the middle of a transformation. It's completely true. I am changing big time. But I'm still the same me in most ways. Just working on the areas I've always had problems with. I'm going out again tonight...gonna find another cute guy to dance and makeout with!!! I'll have my fun tonight, then I've really got to buckle down this weekend. Major studying--well, at this point it's more like cramming. I've probably really screwed myself over with my test on Monday, but it'll be ok. I don't have to make an A...Well, I'm off to finish getting ready for tonight. It's gonna be so much fun! I can't wait!!! (Hopefully though, it won't turn out like last Friday night...I've got my fingers crossed...)

I can't keep something I never had

I don't feel so good right now. Haven't been ever since I woke up from my nap. I tried working out some, mainly just ended up walking. Obviously, I'm still feeling the effects from last night. I'm going to try and get a little studying done tonight, so my day isn't completely wasted. But I don't know how much I'll be able to do, because I don't think I'll last much longer. How do people go out every night and drink? I cannot do it. I don't think I want to do it. Not every night. At least, not with the amount I had. I do want to go out tomorrow night though, and hopefully it will happen. Blake's gonna be disappointed about tonight, but I think it'll work out for the best because he's got a friend visiting in town, and I'm sure he's going to want to stay out really late, and I still have a semi-early (10 am) class. I don't want to be sick, either. What is happening to me? I'm definitely starting to go a little bit wild. Not that I'm complaining. I've done things this past week that I never ever saw myself doing. For one, drinking so much. Two, making out with random boys in public. Never saw that one coming...but it's been a lot of fun. And I'm glad I'm finally starting to have fun. Having some of those nights where you go, "what in the world was I thinking?" and "did I really do that?" Last night is included in the above categories. I think the age think is bothering me a bit. But I shouldn't feel ashamed...there's nothing wrong with the girl being older. It's hard because of the social stigma of it. I don't want the guy to call me though. It was a fun night. That's it. I don't think he will, which I'm hoping for. I bet he thinks he is so cool now...hooking up with a 21 year old...because I think his friends were definitely thinking it. But whatever. I'll never see or hear from him again. So all's good. And no one knew me, thank goodness. I was getting pretty crazy on that dance floor...seriously! But isn't this what college is all about, anyways? Once I find someone, I won't feel the need to go out so much...because I think that's partly what's driving it. But I think for once, I actually am enjoying being single, because I can make out with as many guys as I want! Two in one week...who would've known? I'm becoming more confident with guys, even without alcohol in me. I hope that translates into something positive for me soon, because I deserve it. I've waited long enough. An 18/19 year old?!! What was I thinking!!!!

I'm so caught up, I don't know what it is

Last night was so crazy. And amazingly fun. Once again, did not plan on drinking as much as I ended up having, but it's all good. I was definitely drunk, but not wasted. And I so danced and made out with the cutest guy!!! I met him before I started drinking, so no doubts about it. Plus, I've got a picture this time (I'm kinda scared to look at them right now, though!) I went over to my friend's place (she has her own room in Southgate--she's a freshman, but I don't care) to get ready, and then we went up to some guy's room where they were pre-partying. I felt so old. They were all freshmen. And in the Jewish fraternity. But boy, some of them were so cute! That's where I met Andrew (the guy I was with ALL night). Right away I was like, so cute! But, had to remind myself he was a freshman...not that it ended up mattering, and I actually don't care too much. It's only 2 years younger, not a big difference. I think I'd rather have younger than older at this point because of the level of (in)experience I have. Anyways, we got a ride to the club, and Andrew was one of the guys in the car. I was feeling a little buzzed at this point because I'd had a drink and a shot. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I know he wanted to dance, and so my friend and I went out on the dance floor with him...and somehow I just kinda claimed him, and him me. I wouldn't have had any more to drink had it not been for dancing, because I wasn't feeling it sober...it was much more fun with a little alcohol (all of a sudden I feel like all I'm talking about is drinking...how ironic from the girl who would never touch the stuff and looked down upon underage drinking--not that I'm underage anymore). So we danced. And danced. And danced some more. He wasn't that great of a dancer, but I showed him how, guided him...not that I'm an expert at that kind of dancing or anything (because I haven't really danced like that much at all) but, all my dance training came in handy. At some point, we just kissed...and kissed....and kissed some more!!! We were so majorly making out by the end of the night--on the dance floor, in front of everyone. Yes, I was. I can't believe it, but it's true. And then in the car on the way home (in a full car!) I definitely wanted to kiss him, but the feeling was also aided in part by the alcohol. Ok, so I'm running short on time now...let's just say that I absolutely LOVED the feeling I had last night--him kissing me and, most of all, just him holding me tight and holding my hand...he did ask for my number, but who knows...if nothing happens, that's fine by me because I'll just find somebody else next time! I didn't make it home last night...no way was I in any condition to drive, so I stayed at my friend's. Let's see how long I make it on 4 hours of sleep...I can't miss my first 2 classes, but I don't think I'll go to my third today. Anyways, last night was so much fun. I'm supposed to go out tonight with Blake, but I think I'll hold off on that one until tomorrow night...gotta ease my way into it. And yes, closure, Meghan, is definitely what I have now, and it feels so good.

The illusion I held onto, you've got me letting go

I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT!!! YAY!!! I asked this girl from one of my classes if she wanted to do something, and we're going to go to some fraternity crush party at Baja's. I'm excited just to be getting out again. I want it to be where I'm like, Adam who?!! Yeah, still can't believe I saw him twice...wonder what was going through his head. Well, I don't really care because I've moved on. Gonna try and find another cute/hot guy to makeout with tonight!!!

Is this an illusion I have in my heart?

No freaking way...I saw him again!!! This time it was on the way to class, and it was in the distance. I was just looking around as I walked, and I happened to look in the direction of the business building, and there he was standing outside...I'm pretty sure he saw me again because after I saw him, he looked in my direction, and I know he saw me earlier, so he had to have known it was me. So I just walked on, pretending I didn't see him, with my head up and walking confidently to the Bellamy building...I just can't believe I saw him twice in one day, when I haven't ever seen him on campus before. I want to make him jealous. I know that's the mean and immature thing to do, but I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. He's such a coward. Duh! He couldn't even call me to tell me it was over. And he still can't face me, because he knows perfectly well what he did. I'm just a little bitter....So, don't think I'll be going out tonight like I'd hoped. But I probably will tomorrow night--Blake says he's gonna call me. But I really am in the mood to go out for a bit tonight. Maybe I can find someone. We'll see. Time to work off this anger that I've acquired today.

I won't be the one to chase you

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!!!! I SAW HIM TODAY....I LOOKED RIGHT AT HIM, BUT HE COULDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME. WHAT A JERK!!!!! I HOPE HE SAW TODAY WHAT HE LOST, BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK!!!! Other than that, I'm having a great day...feeling very flirty...gonna try and find someone to go out with tonight, because after seeing him today, I JUST WANNA GET OUT AND HAVE SOME MORE FUN!!!! At least it wasn't a bad day for him to see me, because I look really cute in a little skirt and tank top!!! SO THERE!!!!

Live like it's the last moon rising

Good part about today: my last (and most boring) class was cancelled today. Bad part: had to use that time to study. Plus much more to come tonight. I've really got to be focused--I've got too much to get done. But enough about that. Can't wait until I get to go out next. My mind keeps wandering back to Saturday night. Randomly, I will just laugh out at something that I remember doing, in disbelief that I actually did that. But it was so much fun. What I liked most was at the end of the night, just holding hands, and later being in someone's arms again. I want that feeling so badly. I felt so secure, so right. I don't think the guy was right, but the feeling was. I feel no attachment this time, which is a first. Not like there's really anything to get attached to, but I did kiss him and all. Maybe it's because I really don't remember too much of it. I remember enough. I don't think I'd want to remember everything. If only there'd been a video camera, because you should've seen me...I wish I could have seen me! Ok, time for dinner!

Just open up it's so healing

I'm a mix of emotions right now. Tired, a little overwhelmed, content...all at the same time. Can't really describe it. So, I had to cancel my plans to go to see Anne in Orlando this weekend. Found out I have a test on Monday that I have not been keeping up (or really paying attention to) with the material. Gotta learn 17 essays worth of information in a week. Plus, another test on Tuesday. I'm not feeling stressed, especially since I decided not to go out of town. I'll be fine having time to study this weekend. Otherwise, I'd be freaking out trying to find time to get everything done. The fact is, I just am not capable of studying like I used to. I cannot just sit down and study for hours and hours anymore. But I guess that's a good thing! But now I can go out with Blake this weekend, because he still wants to...I think he's even more excited about it now because I told him about Saturday night. We're becoming pretty good friends. He's really easy to talk to and I feel comfortable around him. But he's just a friend, that's it. I don't have many guy friends, so I'm glad to add 2 more to my very short list. I may even hang out with him and his friends this week, because I told him originally that I could, still thinking I was going to Orlando. I really want to. I'm getting addicted to going out. OMG! Today when I was driving to class, I was sitting at a stop light when this car pulls up behind me. I look in my mirror and see that it's a really hot guy driving! I just got so excited...I think I'm really starting to go boy crazy (not that I wasn't before, just not to this extent). Yeah, so I thought that was really funny how I acted. I still can't believe Saturday was actually real. I can't believe what I did. I want to do it again! Well, next time I won't drink so much that I get sick, because I'm starting to discover my limits. Less is more for me, with my size and all. I just keep thinking about it...it really gave me a lot of confidence today. I found myself wanting to smile for no reasons many times today. Still can't believe I had a hookup...the scary thing is though, because I was thinking about it today...if someone wasn't there to keep an eye on me, what might have happened...because I know I was in no condition to be able to stop anything from occurring, if it were to. I was capable of saying no, but enforcing that decision, highly doubtful. Thank goodness it didn't get to that point and for Bryan being there for me. Gotta be really careful in the future. Anyways, I didn't exactly get as much studying for my class done as I had wanted to because it took me forever to do a few questions, so I've gotta go get some reading done before I get too tired. I just can't believe how much I've changed in these past couple of weeks...

Now I know what I didn't know...

Wow. That pretty much sums up last night. I remember pretty much everything that happened, but yet, it's a blur...probably from all the alcohol I had--which I went a little bit overboard on. That's actually an understatement. I got wasted for the first time. Did not plan on that happening at all. I wouldn't have been that bad if I hadn't had that second Long Island. But it was so much fun. Until the end of the night. I can't believe how crazy I acted. It all seems like it was a dream, like did I really do that?!! So, let me start from the beginning. Warning: it's a very long story, because like I said, it was one crazy, fun night! I got to Gainesville around 6:30-ish, and then Bryan and I grabbed something to eat for dinner. We didn't really know what to do, so we just hung out at his apartment until it was time to go out. Wasted a couple hours watching movies on ebaumsworld.com. The most hilarious videos on there are the ones with the star wars kid--especially when they add in the special effects. I highly recommend checking it out. So around 11pm, we met up with his swim team friends at this place called the Grog House...it's like a casual club/bar type place. The place was filled with very good-looking guys! And Bryan has some really hot friends, too! (Who apparently had some good things to say about me, as well!) I started out the night by having some pineapple-flavored shot, then had a Long Island. Started to feel the alcohol's effects, but decided on one more Long Island for some crazy reason (my judgment was already impaired). I so was feeling it after that second one...definitely not something I've ever experienced before. I started getting into the music and moving around/semi-dancing while just looking all around the place at the guys. No guys came up to me on their own...I think it was because Bryan was around me the whole time, and it might have seemed like we were together, but we weren't. At one point I saw this really cute and hot guy pass by...Bryan then told me to look around and find the hottest guy I could spot...so I looked for the guy I saw--couldn't find him at first, but then spotted him behind us. Well, Bryan went over there (I, meanwhile, am in my own little world, just dancing to the music, standing next to a table) and from what he told me late last night during our drunken (well, my drunken) conversation before falling asleep he said that his friend wanted to meet him (something like that). The guy was interested, but thought that I was with Bryan because he had been by me all night, but Bryan said no, and he ended up coming up to me. His name was Rob and he's a Sig Ep. Not really sure what we talked about, but not long after I met him I asked him if he wanted to dance. So we just started dancing right there. Most of the people at the place were all tipsy by this time and dancing too, but there weren't many dancing where we were. So got some stares, but I didn't care. I was really into it! I think his friend was taking pictures of us, because I remember seeing flashes going off several times. Then we ended up moving to the front of the place where more people were dancing. I really let loose...I was dancing like crazy! And I was really good at it, too! We definitely kissed several times at least (it's all a blur!). Yep. I was making out with a guy I just met. Crazy. But great!! And apparently we danced for well over an hour--until the club closed. I don't remember it being that long at all. It seemed more like 15 minutes to me. But that's what Bryan said. Funny, but I wasn't tired from it at all. Definitely was about to fall over numerous times, but saved by Rob. So, after that, Rob said something to me about going back to the Sig Ep house...I wasn't ready for the night to end...went and found Bryan and Rob told him about it...decided to do that. As we were walking, I kept looking back at Bryan and asking him to please not leave me so I wouldn't do anything I would regret, because at that point, I was completely capable of it. I was so out of it. Rob was holding one of my hands as we walked, and I was latched on to Bryan with the other, making sure he wouldn't leave me. Once in the car, had to ask what Rob's name was again, because I had no clue! Definitely held hands the whole way. When we got to the house, something about not being able to park in the driveway, so we parked on the curb. At this point, I was really beginning to feel sick. Bryan was not actually going to let me get out of the car, and was about to just tell Rob to go, when I got sick. I was so leaning out of the car. Not fun at all. I was then taken out of the car and sat down on the curb, 3 guys at my side (Bryan, his roommate, and Rob). I felt so embarassed about the whole situation, and just started crying...first about not meaning to get sick, and then just about everything--Adam, guys not like me in general, etc. Who knows all what I said, because I certainly don't. What seemed like a very short time to me ended up being over an hour again. I became an annoying drunk person. Bryan's roommate (who's also named Rob) was drunk, too, and told me to shut up a couple of times and just wanted to get me in the car (don't remember this stuff). But Bryan's rationale was that since it was my first time feeling like this, I didn't know what it felt like and how I'd be fine if I moved (which I didn't think I could do because I was so nauseous). So we stayed on the curb. Rob was still there with me, holding me, talking a bunch of nonsense, as Bryan told me today. I thought he was being nice by saying stuff (but then again, I was the one almost passed out on the curb!) I remember saying things like I know he'll never want to speak to me again, and he kept saying that he'd call me the next day. I ended up giving him my number before we left and he said he'd call me. I didn't think he would. But much to my surprise, he did! Just wanted to make sure I got home safe and see how I was feeling, which was sweet, except I'm sure last night he was looking to get something from me...Anyways, to make a long story a bit shorter...I'll admit that Bryan was right. He did prove to me last night (which was one of the reasons for inviting me down) that guys do like me and think I'm attractive. After all, I danced and kissed one last night! So I can't complain about that anymore. It's definitely a night I'll never forget. And now I know that I never want to get wasted again. But I'd say the pain and suffering was worth one night of fun! And next weekend I'll be in Orlando visiting Anne...

It's like I'm not me...

So, I'm doing something completely crazy and so unlike me tonight. I'm going to Gainesville for the night to hang out with Bryan. I'm being completely spontaneous, and I love it!

I don't know where you went when you left me

I feel really strange right now. It's a combination of what happened last night, and some very disturbing dreams I had about Adam. I won't even try and describe them, because for one thing, they're fading really fast, and two, it wouldn't make any sense. They just give me a not-so-good feeling. I think it had to do with the fact that I found 2 of his roommates on facebook last night. I haven't added them as friends, nor do I intend to. I don't think that'd be a smart move. It'd make me seem like a stalker or I'm obsessed with him or something. Well, maybe that's a little extreme, but nonetheless, I think I'd be making another mistake if I did, even though I liked his roommates, and they seemed to like me, too. But that's one of those unspoken rules of don't mess with an ex's friends. (Or maybe I'm just making that up). If they somehow come across me, that's a different story. In a way, I kinda would like that to happen, because maybe it'd somehow get to shown to him, and he'd realize he made a huge mistake. Because he did. And he should regret it. I just can't shake the feeling from my dream. I don't like it at all. The basic underlying premise of it was what a jerk he was for just stopping all communication with me. Just not something I'd like to be feeling. Is it Saturday? I guess it is. It doesn't feel like it. I don't know what it feels like. I feel empty. Emotionally drained. Wishing things had turned out differently. I found this great quote on a friend's facebook page last night that I really love: "Don't regret anything that once made you smile." It so applies to me right now. I don't want to regret ever dating Adam because it made me so incredibly happy and we had some really great times together. But then again, look at all the heartache it's caused me. That's just the chance you take when you put your heart out on the line. When the feeling is mutual, it's the most wonderful thing in the world. But if it's not returned or as strongly felt, it's like a huge blow that just knocks the wind out of you and you don't know if you'll ever be able to recover from it. I want to though, and I'm trying to make it happen, but things just keep getting in my way of achieving this goal. I'm not staying home tonight. No matter what. I don't want to be sad, crying, and alone again. It's just something that I've gotta do for myself. To prove to me that I can get out there and be happy and have fun and be on the path to meeting someone. Have I mentioned that it's all I want right now?

honestly tell me that it's over

I feel so incredibly let down right now. I am so upset. Disappointed. Angry. Hurt. All I wanted to do was go out and have some fun tonight. But no one wants to do anything with me. I can't get in touch with anyone. And my sister refuses to go out. This seems to be a pattern with me and guys. I was just so ready tonight. It's all I've been looking forward to all week. All I want to do is meet people. Guys. I know I'm desperate. But all I want is what I had. Or thought I had. Which didn't do me much good because it didn't work out. And I'm still left without an explanation. I'm sure he's probably doing something with his friends right now. Maybe even some girl. Which makes me feel really lonely and sad. Because that's what I wanted to be doing right now. Be out, not sitting at home, crying at the computer. I'm trying to do something that I want to do but I just don't have the means to do it. I feel so bad. I know I really hurt my mom tonight, too. Because I called her after my plans fell through. She knew I was all excited about it. And I'm sure she was excited herself because I was actually wanting to go out. I feel like such a disappointment. Just when I think things are going really well...they completely fall apart and leave me crushed.

My tears are turning into time I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye

I'm all ready to go out...just waiting for the call from Blake. I swear, he better call me because he said he would. And we all know how I feel about guys not calling me back...But I'm sure he will, I mean, it' only 8:00 pm, and things don't get started until 10-11pm anyways. If not, I'll be one very, very unhappy girl, and will have to find someone to go out with, because I'm not staying home tonight. I will drag my sister out if I have to, even if she doesn't want to, I'll make her. I want to have fun tonight. I want to meet guys. I know there's a very slim chance of actually meeting someone to date, but I just need to meet people anyways. And that's what I want to and I will do. After I have a few drinks...but I'm not going to go all crazy or anything. Just wanna have some fun. I think the guy at the eye doctor (the same one who put the contacts in my eyes last time) was hitting on me today when I went back for a check-up...I go back next week again because I got a new pair of contacts...the others just irritated my eyes too much. Maybe getting contacts wasn't such a great idea. Off to wait for a call. And I swear I said to myself that I wouldn't be a slave to my cell phone again...

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again

Dude...this better work this time, because it's the second time I'm writing it because it messed up when I tried to publish it and I lost it...it won't be as good as the first, and now I've gotta try and remember what I wrote...The best part of today: in my public policy class, we're talking about the policy-making process, and in particular, the Iraq war. My professor asked why the Democrats had failed in their role as the opposition party and not debate the issue, and also why John Kerry voted for the resolution. Well, some smart-aleck in the class commented, "because he's a flip-flopper." Dr. Kemp (my professor), totally went off on the guy. She had made it clear that we'd be analytically critiquing the process, and there was no place for pointless, baseless attacks on either parties. Plus, she said if anyone should be called that, it's the other guy. It was so great. I've been going nonstop all day. First registering, then class, then my appointment. I feel so smart in my research class, which is all statistics. It seems as if the whole class is all confused and doesn't understand, but I find it pretty easy...guess that's a gift. I'm becoming quite the bad girl...I left during the middle of my economics class today. But it was only because I needed enough time to go home and grab something to eat otherwise I would have just died of starvation (and no, I'm not being the least bit dramatic...). But it was only a half hour early...and it's not like I was paying any attention whatsoever. I don't remember a thing he was talking about...all I know is we're discussing contract law and its history right now (and I wonder why I can't concentrate!). I saw a new side of campus today as I walked to my appointment. It was strange (and freezing!) walking to the student life building. Never seen that part before. I've only been there once, and that was with, well, you know...I think my session went really well today...there was a really cute guy in the waiting room... It was a little awkward at first to reveal all this personal stuff to a complete stranger, but it wasn't that bad...maybe it's because I've been spilling my inner most thoughts on this journal to the whole world that made it easier. My counselor agrees with me that what Adam did--just dropping all contact with me--was a lousy thing to do. One insight: when I was asked to list some of the things that I liked about myself, I started out by saying my body, but then I went on to describe these negative things and never finished with the positives. And when asked again, I couldn't think of anything other than being smart. I couldn't think of anything positive, just the negative. I guess I'll have to work on that, but that's the whole purpose. So, since it's such a dreary and cold day, and the fact that my head is killing me, I've decided not to go out for St. Patrick's Day. It's a shocker, I know. I really wanted to, but I'm not feeling it tonight. Plus, I'm saving up for tomorrow night. Which, by the way, did I mention I'm soooo excited about? Look out boys, here I come!!!! (did I just say that??!!)

I don't want to be lonely anymore

Today is going to be a very long day. I've already been up for 2 hours. I registered successfully this morning. I'm proud of myself because I didn't stress out or anything when the page was being very slow to load and wasn't working at first. I stayed calm, and everything worked out. I got all the classes I wanted, which is good. I have my counseling appointment today. Kinda nervous about that. But I'm really hoping it will help me. Because I need it to.