There's a pretty young thing in front of you, and she's real pretty and she's real into you

I have no luck with guys at all. They seem to be good guys at first, but then they go and break your heart. I just feel numb right now. Like I really don't know what to feel. It feels like something is missing, like I lost something. I did. I lost a (what I thought was a) great guy. Who was supposedly absolutely crazy about me. I thought I found someone good this time. Well, I guess I was wrong. Maybe it's like Anne said--that I'm experiencing all the heartbreak now, so that I will find someone who will last very soon. Surprisingly, I'm not depressed like I could be--like I have been about a guy before (Adam). Maybe that means my feelings for him weren't as real as I thought they were. Because, honestly, I never did have the feeling about Chris like I did about Adam (and still actually do). With Adam, it was butterflies in my stomach, can't stop thinking about him, want to be with him every single minute of the day. It was different with Chris. There was a comfort level that I've never ever experienced with a guy before. I felt so relaxed around him--like I really could be me without the fear of making a fool of myself. I didn't feel like that with Adam. I was always too nervous and never felt like I said or did the right thing. Obviously, there was something about Chris--I gave him something that I will never be able to take back. The one thing that I had felt so strongly about--the thing I was so adamantly waiting to do until I was in love. I don't regret it. Because I've had fun with him. But maybe it just happened too soon. Maybe things just moved way too fast. And I thought they were--at first. But then, the more time I spent with him, the more I grew to like him. And things somewhat slowed down. Yeah, we were spending a lot of time together, but what's wrong with that? We wanted to be around each other. And I didn't want it to end. I was so happy. And comfortable. And secure. I'd actually found someone who really, really liked me. And told me constantly. How he never wanted to do me wrong. Well, he fell through on his promise. Why? I'll never know. It's a question that can't be answered--and one only he can answer, if he even knows. My mom was surprised today when I told her I broke up with him last night. She's the only one who said I should just hear him out and give him another chance. Everyone else (including part of me) said to get rid of him. But she said since it was so early in the relationship, we should try and work things out. I tried explaining to her that how would I be able to trust him when he's done this twice already in such a short amount of time? I don't deserve a guy who treats me this way. And I've always said to myself that if a guy ever cheated on me, that was it. No more. But I emailed him this morning. I told him how much he hurt me. I said I was still willing to talk to him and see him, but we wouldn't be together. I told him that I didn't know if I could ever get back together with him because I don't trust him at this point. And if he really cares about me as much as he says he does, he will have to prove to me that I can trust him to never to it again if he really wants to pursue a relationship with me. I don't know if this was/is a good thing or not. I thought I'd go with my mom's advise, since I trust her judgment. I don't expect anything, and I'm not actually sure if I want to have anything to do with him again. So we'll see if he calls. But I won't be hurt if he doesn't. I think I'd be more relieved than anything. Here's an email my mom sent to me a little while ago:

Hi, Sweetie. Hmmm-that could be a name for kitty! Anyway, some thoughts from me--I want you to have someone that cherishes the ground you walk on-that surprises you when you least expect it-with a call or gift or just with kind words-someone that makes you makes you all warm and fuzzy inside-someone you can say anything you want to and tell secrets to-someone you want to spend time with no matter what you're doing-like grocery shopping, laundry or exercising-someone that makes you feel happy to be alive........that someone is out there---just feel with your heart and don't sell yourself short or settle for less.

I love you,

MOM

I watch the walls around me crumble

It's over. I found out yesterday that he cheated on me. TWICE. In one week. The first happened while I was out of town in Orlando for the concert. His roommates got a keg, and he says he got really wasted and did who knows what with some girl. He called me the next day as if nothing had happened. Now I know why he didn't want to see me that night, even though I knew he had to get up early and I understood that. But apparently, it was because he couldn't face me. The second time was on Thursday, when we were supposed to be together and he said he was going to bed instead of going out with me. Roommates got another keg. So we made plans for Friday night ("it'll be that much better because we haven't seen each other"). I called him that morning while he was at work to tell him I wasn't mad at him for the night before, but just disappointed because I had been looking forward to seeing him all day. He never called me back after work, so I called him. He tells me that he might be going to Gainesville after work. I get really disappointed, because once again, I was being let down. And he could tell by the sound of my voice. I called him back a few minutes later and left him a message telling him how I was feeling. I told him that the reason why I sounded so sad was that I felt this was how it began...the first couple of weeks are really great, and then the guy starts to distance himself and doesn't want to see you (this is exactly what happened with Adam). I said that I was worried that this is what was beginning to happen with us, and wanted to know what was going on. He called me back and said he was never going to Gainesville. He lied to me because he had cheated on me, and didn't want to tell me. Or hadn't worked up the nerve to tell me yet. I was speechless; to begin with, I was already upset, and this just sent me over the edge. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't find out about the second time until the end of the conversation, when he asked if I wanted to know what he had done. I said no, and then he said that all I needed to know was that he cheated on me twice. TWICE??? WTF? When the hell did that happen? Well, it was on Thursday night, when he was supposedly sleeping...yeah, with some other girl. I don't know what hurt more--the fact that he cheated on me, or the part where he'd been making up complete lies. I could have dealt with him cheating once--I may have been able to forgive him. But then to find out he did it AGAIN...He came over last night after work so I could have a talk with him face to face. He didn't have much to say, and really couldn't explain himself. I let him have it. I wasn't nice or very understanding to him at all. He didn't deserve that from me, not after what he did. I broke up with him.

Cause I never, never, never, never, never, never...met you

Stupid boys. Never can trust them. Chris just bailed on me for tonight, and I'm really upset right now. Not just because we're not going out, but because he doesn't want to see me. He's too tired and is going to bed. He better fucking be going to sleep right now, or he's gonna get it. I'm going to tell him exactly how it made me feel, because he should have been more considerate. We made plans last night. He was like, we're definitely going to see each other tonight. But no...here come the broken promises. I'm scared that this is the beginning of the end...this is how it starts out. You start to not see each other for a few days, and it keeps continuing...I really hope that's not the case. He said there's definitely going to be tomorrow, and that it will be even better because we haven't seen each other all week. But fuck that. I've been looking forward to seeing him ALL DAY LONG. ALL DAY. I've done absolutely nothing but wait around for him. Just so I could finally see him. And he wanted to earlier. And he was excited, too. He should have told me earlier that he didn't want to go out--BEFORE I got all dressed up and ready to go out. I looked SO PRETTY tonight. I bought a new top yesterday that I just love, and I looked to damn amazing. Would I still be crying had I not gotten all made up before he told me? Maybe, maybe not. But at least I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up and been waiting around to go out with him tonight. And tomorrow will be another long, long day filled with nothing. And I'll have to wait until freaking 11pm to see him. He just really hurt me tonight. I was so excited. I planned to just give him a big kiss and hug when I saw him. But that won't happen. It'll have to wait until tomorrow. And I'll have to wait for what will seem like forever. I hate when people do this to me. Disappointment is one of the things that really gets me down. Especially when they've given you their word and have made plans to do something with you. So, feeling desperate and alone, I called Matt. And feel like a complete idiot. First of all, he didn't even know it was me calling. He thought it was another Mallory (probably Mallory Tucker). I was just calling to see what he was up to tonight, which is nothing, but he's going out of town tomorrow, so he's not doing anything. If only I was on his side of town right now, because he asked me if I was on FSU's side of town. But oh well. I'm not sure if I really want to be around anyone right now. I just feel really disappointed and sad that I'm not going to get to see Chris. I told him to take a short nap, and he said he'd try, but before he said bye, he said he'd talk to me tomorrow...so I don't think that will happen. But then again, just in case, I don't want to take off my makeup or anything in the instance that he decides to change his mind. Because I'd be pissed then...but I'm pissed either way, because now with the possibility of still maybe going out, I'm going to be staying up waiting for him to call me. I'm an idiot. Here I am...again...waiting for a dumb boy. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this anymore. But I can't help it. He's my boyfriend...and apparently, my feeling for him are stronger than I thought, or I wouldn't be feeling this way. I just feel extremely hurt that he didn't want to see me. And because it's all I've been planning on doing today. And because it was even better that he didn't have to work. But no, he doesn't want to spend time with me. He didn't even ask me to come over and stay with him. Even if he was going straight to bed. Maybe I could've gone to sleep now, too, But no, he didn't give me that option. He didn't want that option. A roach flew on me a few minutes ago when I opened my back door to see if the cat wanted in. I screamed and ran away. Second time I've had a roach on me. Disgusting. There's nothing more that I hate than roaches. I sprayed it with roach killer, but it ran under the stove. Hopefully it is dying now, because I sprayed a ton on it, as well as up under the stove. And the stuff is supposed to kill it instantly. Anyways, I was thinking about writing Chris a facebook message telling him how he made me feel tonight, but I decided against it. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, and I don't want him to be mad at me and make the situation worse, or make something out of nothing, which I tend to do. I read too much into things. I'm always over-analyzing the actions and words of others, especially guys. I think it's something all girls do. It's incredibly hard not to. We want to understand why something or someone did/said what they did, and to do that, we think of possible reasons....and usually settle on the worst possible ones, fearing the worst. When there's absolutely no need to do so. Maybe it's all about creating drama in our lives. Because sometimes that's definitely what it seems to be about. And I can be a bit of a drama queen at times. Not always on purpose, but sometimes. Not tonight, though. He just plain ol' got my hopes up and squashed them like a bug. And I feel helpless, like everything's at his mercy...when he wants to, not what I want. But I know that's not entirely true, but sometimes it seems like it. Can you tell that I was upset by what I wrote at the beginning? I was using a few profanities...but I'm not going to change it, because that's how strongly I felt, and I felt it was necessary to use them in order to convey my true feelings. Waiting, waiting, waiting...that's what I'm doing. Will he call me? Most likely he won't. But is it a possibility? Yes, it is. But is it probable? I doubt it. I called Amanda at his asking earlier. He was like, why don't you call some of your friends and see what they're doing (not so that I could go out with them alone, but so that we could do something together). But she didn't know if she was going to go out, and if she was she was just going to be going to the Palace. She said she'd call me later. It's later, and she still hasn't called. Not that it matters anymore, because I'm in no mood to go out and drink. It has no appeal right now. Unless Chris wants to, that's a different story. But I just don't feel like I'd enjoy myself without him right now. Not that I'm saying I have to go out with him to have fun...not at all. It's just that my evening revolved around him tonight, and now that he's abandoned me, I just don't want to do anything else. But I'm bored to death. I have nothing to do. That's why I just keep writing, and writing, and writing. Not that I don't have anything to say. I have no idea what I'm gonna do tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Looking forward to seeing Chris, but not the very, very long wait to do so. What a disappointment tonight turned out to be. And I was having a decent day, too. And the disappointment came from someone who I thought would be the last one to do so...Chris.

And I wept much...we all do

I woke up around 4am to a screaming cat outside. I got up to check on my kitty cat...turns out another cat on the street has been coming and eating her food that I leave for her outside. She was just protecting her territory, which I thought was cute. She got stuck in a tree last night (not sure if I already mentioned that). I brought her back inside after letting her out at 2am. Needless to say, I will probably not be keeping her in at night. Not that it matters, because I will be at Chris's practically every night once again starting tonight. Yay! I'm so happy he doesn't have to work tonight! We're gonna go out...and since he won't be working, that'll give us more time together and I won't have to wait to see him until 11pm. It makes for some very, very long days. Not sure what I'm gonna do today. Probably a bunch of nothing again. I want redecorate my brother's room. He needs to get rid of all the toys and old little kid stuff. He'll be 18 in a couple of months, and it's time to have his room grow up a bit. I also want to go through the zillions of boxes in the garage and attic if possible and get rid of all the junk. Too much clutter. Not good, not good at all.

I'm only a woman of flesh and bone

Life is good. Life is really good. It's late and I won't be seeing Chris again tonight, but everything's good. I've got a great boyfriend who is absolutely crazy about me, I have a new kitty, and I saw my friend Anne today, and overall, I'm just very happy right now. However, I do miss Chris. It will be the 3rd night in a row that we haven't seen each other...he has to sleep over at his parents' house so he will get up early tomorrow morning. He wanted me to stay with him over there, but I thought that was just a little too weird...anyways, I have a cat who wants some attention, so I'm gonna go. More tomorrow.

I tried to be perfect, but it just wasn't worth it

I just found this really cool blog called PostSecret (http://postsecret.blogspot.com). Go check it out. It's really artistic and creative and just plain cool! Anyways, looks like I have a new cat. It hasn't left our yard since I found it and just hangs around and sleeps. She's so cute! I haven't named her yet. Not very good with names...Had a very good night last night (other than the not being able to sleep for like 4 hours because Chris's roommates were having a little party). But other than that...I'll be going to Orlando tomorrow for the night with my sister. She has tickets to this concert. At least I'll get to see Anne finally. We're going to stay with her. I'm gonna try calling Ania later, but who knows if I'll be able to reach her. Hopefully I will. Ok, I really don't have much else to say.

I found a kitty cat today! It is so cute! And so sweet! I found it wandering in my backyard and decided to go see it. It started crying like crazy and wouldn't come up to me at first, but then it did, and kept following me! It didn't have a collar and looks like it's been malnurished. I keep calling it an "it" because I'm not sure what the sex is--I think it might be a female, though. I spent all afternoon with it. I fed it some turkey first, and it just gobbled it up. Poor thing was absolutely starving! I didn't have any cat food, but I did have some of my dog's dog food here, so I fed it that...and it ate that like crazy too. I bought some real catfood tonight. It's been sleeping on my deck and doesn't appear to be leaving anytime soon. In fact, it's still out there. I want to bring it inside, but I'm not sure if I should. It might have a home, but it might not. I'm taking the fact that it hasn't left yet that it doesn't have a home. I think it's pretty young, although it is full-grown. So sweet and very talkative. My mom and sister are already joking with me and asking me what it's name is. If it's still around in the morning, we'll see....I saw a lightning bug for the first time in ages this evening when I was outside petting the cat! I got so excited because I haven't seen one in forever! I used to always try and catch them when I was younger. Everything is going good with Chris...not planning on breaking up with him anytime soon. Thursday when we went out, I don't know what it was, but he looked so incredibly hot! Something different that night...and I was sure glad I decided not to end things (because something sort of happened--I had a revelation, or so I thought--the previous night and was really thinking about things, but I felt differently in the morning). He's probably going to come to dinner with me tomorrow night at my parents' house and meet the family...big step, well, not really, since I'm so close to my family. I know my mom is dying to meet him! And he really wants to meet her because I've told him a lot about her (don't ask). Anyways, gotta go check on the kitty :)

We belong together

I'm so excited! Guess what is on ABCfamily tonight?! Flight of the Navigator! It's so funny because I've been wanting to see it since I haven't seen it in forever! And what's ironic is that I just mentioned this to Chris the other day...he was downloading Beach Boys songs and he started playing "I get around" which I remember most from this scene in the movie. I said how this song reminded me of Flight of the Navigator and he was like, "Yeah!" So funny...And now it's starting...more later.

Confetti falling down all night...

M - Success comes easily to you.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
O - You are very open-minded.
R - You are a social butterfly.
Y - You cause a lot of trouble.

All the way up until the letter R describes me...I have been having the WEIRDEST and most CREEPYIST dreams I've had in a long, long time. And some of them have the most random people in them. I don't know...they're just freaking me out some. I could not fall asleep last night. I was over at Chris's, and since he's a "night owl" (as he calls himself), he was up late playing music and watching tv and being on facebook (that boy is OBSESSED!!! I can't get him off the darn thing!). And despite being incredibly tired, I could not go to sleep. Eventually I did, but like 3 hours later than I wanted to. I didn't want to sleep half the day again, but I did...that's the story of my life...sleeping. I do way too much of it these days. And I'm bored as anything at the moment. Have no idea what to do. I need to work out in a little while, but I'm gonna have to eat lunch first, since I'm getting hungry. I really need to start drinking less. It's beginning to worry me. I didn't last night, but on Sunday I said I wasn't going to, but then we ended up going out, and I just can't seem to enjoy myself without having a buzz (at least) with everyone else drunk and all the nasty smoke and everything...but I'll be going out again tonight. I'm gonna try to just have a max of 3 drinks. That actually usually does get me feeling pretty good most of the time...I just have more because it's something to do--you have it in your hand....Well, I may have a boyfriend who will be going to jail soon...hopefully that will NOT happen. He missed one of his work days today, and I was under the impression that if he missed one more, he'd be going to jail for 30 days. What happened was that he got into a fight one night while being incredibly wasted (this was before I met him, for if I had known...). All I can say is he will no longer be my boyfriend if he ends up in jail--I don't care for how long it is. I can just see it: "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yeah...he's in jail." Just what I want. Me dating a bad boy...who would've thought...except he isn't normally...but still, not the type that I would usually go for. My feelings are still mixed...I'm starting to wonder if I should stay with him or not. I like him, but not at all as much as he likes me. I don't like how he asks me if I can see myself with him in 2, 3, and so on months to years...WHOA--SLOW DOWN!!! I either stay silent or tell him I can't guarantee it, because I can't. I don't know if I'm in it for the right reasons...I think what I like most is having someone who wants to spend time with me. And I don't want to hurt him...but I don't want to lose him at the same time. I shouldn't stay with him just because I don't want to not have anyone again, because that's not fair--to him or to me. Maybe things will fall into place. I might just need to give it a little bit more time. But if it doesn't happen, it might be time to say goodbye.

Everyone has a secret, oh can they keep it...

My favorite quotes from Angus, Thongs, and Full-frontal Snogging!

"Jackie looked a bit puzzled (who wouldn't?) but she kept coming nearer and suddenly with a yell I grabbed her arm and twisted it right up her back. I don't know how. But I was doing it for the little people everywhere (I don't mean dwarfs--I just mean, you know, vulnerable people)."

"I love life!!! Jas has just phoned to say we've been invited to a party at Katie Steadman's and...Katie has asked Tom and Robbie. YESSSSS!!!! I must have done a good job of being nice to Katie. WHAT ON EARTH CAN I WEAR??? Emergency, emergency! It's only a couple weeks away."

"I am cock of the walk. (I don't know what the girl equivalent of "cock" is...surely it can't be "vagina." I am vagina of the walk doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow...)" ---> one of my absolute favs!!! I just died of laughter when I read it for the first time!

...more to come later!

Like love from a drunken sky

I admit it: I am actually listening to a country song. Yes, it's true. The girl who never listens to country ever. But I know I've heard this song somewhere before, and I liked it, and it didn't sound country at all. It's Tim McGraw's "She's my kind of rain." It's probably been out forever now, but I just recently discovered it, because like I said, I am not a country girl at all. But I like this song. It's really pretty. Ok, enough of that. Did nothing but sleep today. I know, how lame. I didn't exactly enjoy it--I felt guilty, like I should be doing something else--something productive. What that would be, who knows? But, I was kinda hungover and had a headache. I didn't come home from Chris's until 2pm. I ate and was awake for a little while, then around 4pm, I decided to take a little nap...which turned into 3 hours! Haven't done much since. I can't believe they're showing Titanic on NBC right now. I've got it on, but I'm not watching it anymore. I watched some of the middle parts--the most romantic scenes in my opinion. I haven't seen that movie in forever. I think the last time I watched it was when they played it on tv the last time, whenever that was. I want to do something outside tomorrow. I don't know if Chris is working. I hope he's not, so maybe we can do something. My mom was funny when she called me today. She asked me if he was working tomorrow, and I said I didn't know, because I don't. And then she whispers, "Are you still together?" I'm like, yeah...I asked her why she asked that and she said it was because I didn't know whether or not he was working tomorrow! Ok, first off, I don't have to know everything the boy is doing at every moment of the day. I just haven't asked him yet if he was working, and he hasn't mentioned it to me yet, either. It's not like he knows everything I'm doing, either. I mean, come on...it's only been 2 weeks now...She's starting to annoy me with all of her questions. She's always asking what I did--wanting to know specifics...and I get annoyed because I don't feel the need to tell her. She doesn't need to know everything. If there's something I want her to know, I'll tell her. It's as simple as that. I mean, I understand that she wants to know what's going on in my life, and I appreciate the interest, but asking me where, what, who, when, why everytime...it's irritating me! She even told me once that it's ok if I don't tell her some things, because she didn't tell her mother everything at my age, either. Okay...so why is she doing this now? It's like ever since I told her something that I absolutely did not even have to inform her of, she wants to everything I do with Chris. And right now, did I mention, it's bugging me?!! I suppose it will wear off soon...as soon as she realizes I don't want to tell her everything. And I better know what that guy I'm dating is doing, otherwise, you can worry that it might be over...hahaha...

Listen to your heart when he's calling to you

I can't believe how incredibly unproductive I've been since school's been out. I do pretty much nothing all day. A lot of sleeping...but that's from staying up late at night! And waiting...to go out at night! I'm in the process of getting ready to go out, while watching The Patriot on tv and listening to music on and off. I'll be going over to Chris's once again...he and his roommates are getting a keg. But I won't be over there until late because he's working right now. I wish he didn't have to work at night. I can deal with during the day, but I hate having to wait so late for him to be off of work. But oh, well...I'm dealing with it. I realized that I actually missed him the other day when we hadn't seen each other for one night...it's how I'm supposed--more like want-- to be feeling. And on Thursday night, everything just felt so right. We didn't go out or anything, but just stayed in instead. I feel so comfortable around him. We just watched some tv and acted silly and laughed a lot. That's what I love...it was so perfect. The next morning, as I was waking up and laying in bed, I realized that I really like him. Which is definitely a good thing. I'm still not used to him calling me his girlfriend whenever he introduces me to his friends...it's just strange to hear those words because I've never heard them before. But it feels really nice to hear them. I just can't believe how crazy this boy is about me. It was just so out of the blue. We only met in person 2 weeks ago today! It seems like it's been so much longer though...but I guess that's because we've been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went out. I wasn't having much fun for a while because I wasn't drinking, and I wanted to drink. It took a while for me to be able to actually get myself a drink...the good thing was was that I didn't have to pay for it! I really didn't drink much at all last night. I only had 3 beers...I think that's the least amount of alcohol I've had since I've started drinking! But tonight's gonna be a different story, especially since we won't have to worry about driving or anything. Oh, what's funny is that last night when we were on our way to another party was that Chris asked me if I had a crush on Matt...he was really wasted at the time, but he asked because when he was using my facebook account, he noticed a lot of messages from Matt. He asked me about it before, but I denied it. I finally admitted that I did like him, and that he was my plan for the summer. But then I met Chris, so he doesn't have anything to worry about, unless things go awry...I don't even know if he remembers asking me that...anyways, I'm off to find something to do in the mean time...I've been feeling really inspired and creative today, so I'm gonna go think of some projects I can start of, and finally be somewhat productive!

And I will be your safety

Lalalala...not much has been going on lately. I pretty much do nothing during the day. I know it's so exciting. But I'm getting really bored. I'm (well, my dad is) looking for job opportunities for me. I want to do something worthwhile--not just menial, tedious work. I want to do something with my time that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life, or at least provide some networking for me. But so far, nothing's come up. Today I went home and started going through some old stuff that my mom has saved of ours (mainly stuff we did in elementary school). It was fun looking through that stuff. It's another prject that I'm starting. I want to get to going through the attic and garage and getting rid of all the junk and stuff we don't need anymore. I'm getting really sick of all the clutter. It's time to let go. Yeah, try telling that to my mom...Anyways, things are going well with Chris. We went out on Tuesday night. I got a little wasted...what's new! I didn't see him at all yesterday. He worked all day. And I haven't seen him yet today because he was working again. But hopefully I'll get to see him tonight. I'm sure I will, because I know he's gotta miss me...the way that boy acts around me...And I actually want to see him, too! Which is good, considering how I've been feeling lately. I'm glad I actually miss him. I want to go out tonight--it's 80's night at Potbelly's, but Chris doesn't want to spend any money. It's $5 to get in...and he doesn't have to buy any drinks. It's just so much fun. We went last Thursday and had a blast. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to go because when he told me I sounded pretty sad. I guess I always sound not alright on the phone because he always asks me if everything's alright. Everything always is...I don't know, I guess that's just the way I sound on the phone. So we'll see. If not, it's not a big deal. But I definitely have to see him tonight. Lalalala...time to finish getting ready.

This is wonderful as loving goes...

I've been in the strangest mood all day. Very irritable. And just, well...hard to explain. It was just one of those days. And I felt bad because when I talked to Chris, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I was like, nothing (which was true...nothing was bothering me, it was just the way I was feeling) and he thought that it was him and that I didn't want to see him tonight. But I did. I didn't feel like I reassured him enough on the phone, so I sent him a myspace message and a cute ecard to tell him it had nothing to do with him. I didn't really even snap out of it until after I finished reading my book. Angus, Thongs, and Full-frontal Snogging is absolutely HILARIOUS!!! I have never laughed out loud so much from reading a book. It is so clever and witty and sarcastic...it's just great. I'm going to be quoting it for a long time. Anyways, so the humor from the book livened me up a bit. Went over to Chris's for a little bit. Still not at 100%, but eventually I came around after being with him. I swear, I can't get my feelings straight with him. One minute I really like him, then another, I'm not sure how much I like him. It's weird. But when I kissed him tonight...I felt something. And just hanging out with him...we laugh a lot and play around and make fun of each other. There's just this comfort level that I've never felt before with a guy. I took him out for dinner and a movie last night. We had a nice time. It was the first night that I didn't actually stay the night with him. And tonight will be the second. Last night I was so tired and started to get a really bad headache (too much action in Star Wars!), and tonight...I would've stayed, except for my weird mood and the fact that he has to get up way too freaking early tomorrow morning and I didn't want to be woken up, even though I wouldn't have to leave then. But as I told him, "absence makes the heart grow fonder..." haha...I was just being a dork. He didn't want me to leave. I didn't really want to leave, either, but I didn't bring my stuff tonight and felt it would just be better to go home. I sorta want to sleep in my own bed...I've missed it! Although, waking up next to Chris is also very nice...But we're gonna go out tomorrow night and I promised him I'd stay then...I definitely won't be returning home if I'm drunk! So, off to bed now...I will be woken at 6 am by my alarm clock so I can call my baby to make sure he wakes up...he's got something very important to do that he cannot miss, so I'm gonna help him out. I'm such a great girlfriend.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy...

I just got really freaked out a second ago...it seriously felt like someone had touched me, but there's no one around. I swear it felt so real, and it made me jump and scared the heck out of me. Maybe it's a ghost! Haha...Anyways, so much has happened within this past week. It's so crazy...I have a boyfriend now. Yeah, I can't believe it either. Things just went from 0 to 60 in no time flat. Things started off fast, and haven't slowed down, except for a little after I started questioning my feelings. I think it was because I was getting scared we were moving so fast. And I think the actual possibility of having a relationship was scaring me, too. It's what I've wanted for so long, yet, with it right in front of me, I wasn't sure about it. The possibility of the unknown...what could happen in the future. It got to me. But this boy is SO ABSOLUTLEY CRAZY about me! And he tells me ALL the time. He does everything right: he calls me!!! And that is huge in my book! Oh, yeah, and did I mention it's the guy that invited me to his party from myspace?!! I went with a couple of friends, met Chris in person, thought he was so cute, the party got busted by the cops, went to another party, called him to see what had happened, and ended up back at his place....and I've been with him every night since then. I'm still not totally sure about my feelings for him. I know I definitely like him. But, I need to take time to really see how much I feel for him. Again, things moved so fast, I got really confused. But I like him a lot. I'm just taking things day by day, because, as I told him, I can't guarantee the future at this point. It's too early, and I'm not totally sure how I feel. He's really afraid of getting hurt. Which is kind of ironic, since I am too, but it's he who is more worried about it than I am. But what I do know is that I'm having a lot of fun and it's so wonderful to have someone who cares about you and wants to spend time with you and to kiss you and hold you in their arms...it's what I've been waiting for. And apparently, it was long enough!!! hahaha (those who know will get it).

I said I've gotta be honest...I've been waiting for you all my life

AHHHH!!! I cannot fall asleep. I know it's early, but I was so tired, and wasn't doing anything else, so I decided to go to sleep (big night tomorrow, anyways--gonna be up all night!). But I can't seem to go to bed. My head is killing me as well. So I decided to get up and what else? Go on facebook! Yeah, I'm pathetic, I know...then I got a message from this guy on myspace...inviting me to a party he's throwing on Saturday. Told him I didn't know if I could make it because it's my friend's 21st birthday and we'll be going out again that night. He writes me back and says I should, if I'm gonna, and how would I get there...well, guess he's gotta give me some info first, and I'm not sure if I will go...I'd definitely go if I had a friend with me. He's really cute, too. Apparently went to Deerlake, too...don't remember him at all. I keep meaning to look in my yearbook when I'm at home, but I always forget. His name is Chris. We've been messaging back and forth every now and then for a couple of weeks now. Seems cool. I'd like to meet him sometime (out in a public place, of course, and not by myself!). Alrighty...I don't feel like writing anymore.

then I realize it's just what might have been

Went out last night with Amanda and some of her friends. It was fun just hanging out with an old friend and some new people. Definitely going to be going out with them a lot this summer. I had 4 shots of 100 proof vodka before we went out. Did not know it was so strong until after I took the 4th shot. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed it was just the regular old stuff I'm used to. Guess they like it strong! So I was in my own little world the whole night. I don't know how I survived. But that was all I had--it was all I needed! Called Allison at 3 am to have her come pick me up...she was NOT happy about that at all. But I've never called her before and I didn't want to stay at this girl's house overnight (a friend of my friend's). And she's always said that I could call her if I ever needed her. But it's ok today. She was just mad I woke her up in the middle of the night. I'd probably react the same way. I was so incredibly close to either calling or facebooking Adam last night. I got past the calling urge, but I wanted to send him a message on facebook so bad. I was about to do it, too, but I was able to restrain myself. How, I have no idea because I was really drunk. Not wasted, but not thinking and acting like normal! So I sent a stupid drunk email to Matt instead. He probably thinks I'm so dumb and annoying and is like, leave me alone! I just asked him when he was coming home and that I wanted to see him. Yeah...I sent him an apology message today, asking him to ignore the one I sent last night. Don't know if he's seen them yet. He probably thinks I'm a stalker or something. But something's different with him. I feel like I can tell him almost anything. Not that I have, but there's this comfort level that I feel with him that I didn't feel with Adam. Maybe it's because I've known him forever and we're friends. I don't know. OMG! I was going through some stuff earlier today and I found one of those horoscope booklets I'd saved from some issue of a magazine last fall (I still read the teen stuff...it's sad I know). The part about my love life was so erily true! It said that during the fall things would be slow, and nothing would really happen. But then in January,

you don't see me, you don't feel me like I feel you...

I was going through some stuff tonight that I had saved from various things (it's something that I do) and I came across some things. First it was the ticket stub from the movie we saw together on our first date. Then it was the note I wrote myself on the night I first met him. When I got home, I wrote his name down on a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget it. I was so excited that night. I couldn't fall asleep for over 2 hours. I couldn't believe that I had met such a cute guy who was interested in me! And he wanted to date me. Well, the honeymoon phase didn't last long. It never seems to. Reality sets in and suddenly he doesn't want to hang out with you anymore and he stops calling as often, then not at all. A heart is slowly being shattered with every rejection...and then it completely breaks. You're down for a while. Heartbreak is never easy. But gradually the pieces are filled in and replaced with the memories you shared and the promise of someone new. And when you feel like you're finally going to be okay, you've finally been able to make peace and move on, he shows up again. Every emotion you had for him floods back to the surface. Your heart is vulnerable once again. And you know you shouldn't. It's not right. He's just going to break your heart again. But you can't resist. You remember everything that made you fall for him in the first place, and want to give him another chance. Because maybe he's changed. Just maybe. The possibility of it...you just long for it. But here you are once again. Right back where you started. Everything that happened before...it's like deja-vu. You don't want to believe it. You want to make it work. But everytime, you can feel your heart being torn apart...again. Same guy. Same reasons. You should've known. You did know. But you chose to ignore it. Nothing had changed. He was still the same. And nothing was going to be different after all. He just didn't want it as much as you did. You finally realize there's no hope. No point in chasing after him anymore. It's only wasting precious time...time that should be spent on yourself and your life, not him. It hurts so much. Acknowledging that he doesn't want you like you want him. But it's not fair. Not to him, and especially not to yourself. Little by little, your hold on him begins to weaken--it's only for the best. It's a battle back and forth between your heart and your head--your head knows it's over and time to move on, but your heart wants to remain attached, glued to the possibilities of what just might happen. That's all it is, though: a possibility. No promise. No guarantee. Only wishful thinking. And you're way better than that. So much better than a guy who only makes you happy when he feels like it. It's finally time to move on. No matter how much you don't want to, no matter how much it hurts. It's not worth it anymore. He's so not worth it anymore. Day by day, you move a little further away. Eventually you will be completely free from his grasp. He won't ever be completely gone--he'll always be there in your memories and in your heart. And that's exactly where he belongs.

this is easy as lovers go

Another wasted day. I'm such a horrible daughter. I didn't get my mom anything. Not even a card. I feel so bad. But she said not to get her anything....and she knows I love her. My gift to her is being happy. Because when I'm happy, I know she's happy, too. We're like ET and Elliot as she's said before (and I think I've said so on here before, too). Allison's the good one. She's the only one that got her something. Whatever. I'll make it up. It's just one day, anyways. Slept in again...worked out...I'm so off--I haven't been having good workouts lately. And it sucks. Did pretty much nothing. Went home. We were going to take mom out to dinner, but she didn't feel like it. So we just got takeout from Applebee's. And I ended up falling asleep on the couch, anyways. Felt absolutely exhausted and devoid of energy again this afternoon. Still not feeling that great. Maybe I'll go to Orlando this week to visit Ania. I can't decide. It's so far away to go for such a short time. But what am I doing here? Other than wasting time, nothing. It's Amanda's birthday on Saturday, so I want to be in town for that. But maybe Tuesday through Thursday. We'll see how I'm feeling. If I'm not better, I won't go, because I don't want what happened last week to happen again. I was no fun when I didn't feel good :( I said I wasn't going to waste time online tonight, but that didn't work out as planned. Definitely filled out some stupid survey stuff. That's how bored I am. And no, he never called last night. Figures.

and I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Boys are nothing but a disappointment to me. All they do is let me down. How can I trust someone when they say they're going to do something but then don't follow through? It happens every single time. I have no reason to trust them in general. They say one thing, they do another. What they say is not what they mean. Why does this always happen to me? Why do I let myself believe anything they say? Because I know none of it is true. None of it is worth anything. I feel like such a fool. For everything. For every time I let them walk all over me. For every time I cried over one of them. And still cry over them. I'm losing hope. There's no reason to believe otherwise. They never come through when you need them to. I feel so alone. I ditched my friend to try and go to some stupid party. Thought I might have found someone to go with. Said he'd call me back later. Should've known that wouldn't happen. Because it never does. How many times has this happened now? Every single time. And what really makes me sad is that this is what my entire summer is going to be like. Sitting home. Doing nothing. I miss Ania. I wish she was here this summer. I feel so alone. I just want to go out. I've asked people...I've called random people I'm not even really friends with. But to no avail. It's going to be a very long summer if this is how it's going to be. Not optimistic about it at all. Do I really need to be feeling this way? No. But I'm choosing to be. It's my choice to feel sad and pathetic right now. It feels better than being happy. Because there's nothing to be happy about for the moment. I miss him so much. Why did he have to hurt me like this? Why do I have to feel this way about him? Why can't I just get over him. Let him vanish from my memory. But I don't want him to. I like the memories I have. But they make me sad sometimes. Sometimes they make me smile. I let myself fall too easily. And it's not easy to pick myself up again. Especially when it feels like your heart has been torn in a thousand pieces...when it never was really whole to begin with. On a good day I'm over him. Or at least I'm at peace with the situation. Today is a bad day. A day I've chosen to dwell in self-pity. Not all day. Just this evening since I've been let down once again. Just a simple phone call is all it takes. Even if he didn't want to go tonight...just a call to say so would be so much better than me sitting here left wondering...wondering if he still might call. Me attached to my phone. Something I swore I wouldn't do. But when you're expecting something, it's agonizing to wait for. Every second, every minute seems like an eternity. It never feels as if the moment will come. They worst is when you have nothing to do but wait. I try to occupy myself, but it doesn't always work. I end up just wasting time waiting. And waiting. And waiting. But sometimes it never comes and before you know it, you've spent an entire evening doing nothing but waiting around for a stupid phone call from a stupid boy who could care less about you. Even if he is just a friend. Some friend that leaves you waiting without any explanation. I could've hung out with her too, except for I said I was gonna try and go to this stupid party that I've let ruin my night. Why did he have to call and invite me? I was going to be perfectly content with watching a movie and staying in, hanging out with my friend who I haven't seen in so long. But no....I can't pass up an opportunity to go out and drink. Not anymore. Especially when it involves people I went to highschool with. I guess I want to show off a bit...show people how I'm not the same shy, quiet girl who always studies. Not that that was really me. But it was the me most people saw. And I hated it. Hated it so incredibly much. But now I think I am so pretty and have so much more confidence and want to show people that I'm not that same girl. I want to surprise them, to shock them. Not by doing anything crazy, but just by showing up. Because I have never felt this way about myself before. For the first time in my life I actually can look at myself and say I am absolutely beautiful and believe it. Because I know others do too. Yes, that is very shallow and superficial of me to think of only the way I look. I know it. It's sad. But unfortunately it's something that has always bothered me. The attention I get from guys...I've never gotten it before. The way they look at me...I know I completely blow their minds. I make them look twice. On the way back home tonight, this guy in the car in front of me stuck his head out the window to look back at me...at least twice. And I had my hair back in a bun, wet and sticky with gel in preparation for possibly going out tonight (how I curl my hair). I was like, what an idiot, and stop staring at me...Couldn't really tell if the guy was cute...but then I was like, wow...that guy stuck his head out his window just to have a look at me. When did that ever happen before? I'm no longer feeling that feeling of inferiority I used to feel. Well, at least not nearly as much. Every now and then it resurfaces. But I know that cute guy walking past me--I know that I might have a shot. And I keep my head up and don't look down at the ground like I'm no good and there's no way I'm pretty enough for him. I feel very narcissistic right now. I don't like talking about myself in this way. I feel weird. I feel like I shouldn't because it's very selfish and self-centered. And I feel like I might hurt peoples' feelings because I know if I hear people doing what I'm doing, I'd feel the same way. But I'm not doing it to brag, because that's just not how I am. It's a huge step for me to be able to feel this way about myself. Because even though people always tell you you're beautiful the way you are, blah blah blah...I never could believe it. Until now. And that's one self-revelation that makes me feel absolutely amazing. Even amidst the bad mood I'm in. Because actually, I forgot about it for a few minutes. And that was nice. And now back to the reality of it. It's 10:38pm. Let's face it. He's not gonna call. But I don't want to wash off my makeup or mess up my hair just yet. Because there's still that little voice in my head that's telling me to wait just a little bit longer, because he still might actually call...but then there's the other voice saying, there's no point. You know it'll never happen. But as soon as I do, he might call, and it would've been a waste to take everything off...but still...it's a waste either way. Because I'm not gonna hear from him and I'll just end up going to bed. What an evening. Another day gone to waste. But it's all my fault.

you've got looks, you've wits, you've got passion

Sooooo tired....yet, don't want to fall asleep. Why? Not sure...so I can waste more time on the Internet?! I needed a night in tonight. No way I was up for going out. The thought of alcohol is making me sick at the moment--well, all day actually. And not in the mood to go out. Still a little weirded out by last night. And besides, no one's in town this weekend, so there's no one out...which it's very boring when there's nothing to do or nowhere to go. Did absolutely NOTHING today, except for lying around in my bed watching my tv shows from the past 2 weeks that I've taped. Didn't even get out of my pajamas until late this afternoon when I decided to finally work out. But it's not like I had anything to do anyways. I feel sick again. Run down and I'm all congested. Not fun. I'm an idiot for writing him earlier this week. Why did I do it? I was desperate. I needed some sort of answer. Needed a sense of closure. An idea of what the hell is going on with us. None of which have been answered. No surprise there. But it was more for myself, just to let him know how I felt. Why do I always feel like I have to be honest with people about my feelings? Especially with him? With most people, I have no problem...but with him, I've gotta tell him everything. Maybe it's because I'm afraid if I don't, he won't know. And I think I want him to understand how I feel. So maybe things will change. But things won't change. Not with this guy. There's no way I could ever--at least not in the forseeable future--be just friends with him. Because I don't feel that way about him. I don't want to be friends.

I am fairly agile...I can bend and not break

I'm am so hungover right now. Had way too much to drink last night. Actually, it wasn't that much compared to what I've had other times...it was more than enough to put me over the edge this time though...seriously. Wow. I don't really remember much of what happened last night. All I remember is crying, no sobbing over missing Adam and why he doesn't like me. My mom got a drunk phone call from me at 4am. I thought I was going to be sick, so I fell asleep on my bathroom floor by the toilet. I couldn't move. I remember crawling all over the floor and calling out to my sister because I needed someone to take care of me. There was no one here this time. No Ania. I miss her. I wanted someone to take care of me. To comfort me. To tell me everything will be alright. That's what I wanted. And I was so upset about him. He's all I could think about. I miss him so much. It hurts so bad. A night of drunkeness just let loose of all my feelings hidden deep inside about him. The feelings I was trying to suppress...trying so hard to deny. I'm ok today. Sorta. Not like last night. But a little sad. Gilmore Girls. It's the story of my life:
"Maybe in the end this is not the guy or the relationship for you. Rory, 2 days ago you were on the bathroom floor crying about why he won't call you, why doesn't he like you, what did you do."
"I was drunk."
"You, my beautiful, brainy, fabulous daughter lying on the floor of the bathroom wondering what you did wrong! That is disturbing to me on many levels, including the fact that I can't remember the last time I cleaned the floor of the bathroom. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?"--Loreli to Rory on Gilmore Girls

girls just wanna have fun

Listening to 80s music...have been in the mood since 80s night at Potbelly's last Thursday. I think that was the best night out of the semester. So, tomorrow night...going out with Martin! Yeah, totally random, I know...but it'll be fun. Looking for people to go out with, and asked him what he was doing (talking to him on IM) and said he'd go with me. So we're going out (not a date or anything, just someone to hang out with). I'm excited, because it's someone new, and I had fun at prom in 11th grade with him. Whatever gets me out and not stuck at home! Went to the doctor's today...luckily I don't have strep throat or mono (so won't have to call Adam about that!!!). I'm just tired and don't have much energy. I was feeling better, but I think the medicine I took is really starting to hit me now...I'm feeling really tired all of a sudden. Hung out at home and ran errands all day. Nice not to have anything to do. I have a massive amount of cleaning to do. My bathroom, well it's pretty bad. And the rest of my place...it's just screaming to be cleaned. So that and a really great workout is what I've got planned for tomorrow. I haven't worked out in 6 days now. I feel so gross. But part of the time I was on vacation, and like today I was giving my body time to recover from being sick. Can't stop thinking about him...not in a bad way, but sorta. But I'm ok. I was tempted to leave him a message on his wall, in reference to Harry Connick Jr's character in Hope Floats, because I think he sorta looks like him, and the way he talks, definitely...it just reminded me of him. But I stopped myself from thinking that and realized it would be a bad idea. Just leave him alone...see if he writes back. Pour some sugar on me is the best song to listen to when you're out drinking!

I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Back from Orlando. And I'm sick :( Helped Ania take her stuff back home and hung out for a few days. I really wish I could've stayed longer, except I feel like crap. But I'll be going down soon enough. Maybe even next week. I saw Adam Friday. It was an amazing night. I'm not going to write about it on here. Let's just say we went further than we have before, but not too far. I'm so glad I got this last night with him. It felt so good to be in his arms again, to kiss him. I was really unsure if I shouldv'e seen him, but I feel good about it now. I'm glad I went. I'm glad Ania called him without me knowing it. I'm glad he actually invited me over himself when I talked to him. I'm happy he wanted to see me. Even if I don't see him again. Which I knew was a very big possibility before I went over there. I knew what might happen. And I knew the consequences. I was very confused and upset after he took me home, but as I talked to Ania about it and the day went on, I felt more comfortable with my decision. I'm actually not sad. Do I miss him? Yes. But I'm not sad. I care about him and like him so much, but I'm really ok. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions. But I don't blame myself. You know what made me so happy? To see my poster I made him up on his bedroom wall. It just made my day, knowing that every time he looks at it, he thinks of me. How could he not?! And he notices what I had on in my facebook picture, because the first the he says to me when I walked into his apartment on Friday was "that looks like the shirt you have on in your facebook picture" (it wasn't the same, but I guess he looks at my page a lot!) So that is really sweet and nice to know. He was so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't be here this weekend, and he kept asking me when I was getting back. But I think he's home now. I called him yesterday afternoon. I was dying to call him. I had to literally force myself not to...but I ended up giving in. He didn't answer. But I expected that. And I wasn't sad, it felt good to just have tried at least. I may be a little disappointed about him not calling me back, but it's ok. I sent him a facebook message this evening, just telling him I was back, not feeling good, glad I got to see him on Friday, won't call him anymore unless he wants me to. Because I won't. But I want to. But it's not going to happen this time. I'm not like I was before. I'm in a place at the moment where I'm content with the whole experience with him. I've learned a lot. About guys. About relationships. And especially about myself. I can honestly say now that I'm so glad I met him. And no matter how much hurt and pain that I've put myself through, it was worth it. To at least have had it for once. And I'm on to find it from someone who really wants me. But it's still not over with him yet. Or is it?

What day is it? and in what month?

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! IT NEEDS TO END NOW! I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!!!!!! I haven't felt so depressed in forever. This is what it does to me. It's what it did to me for my whole college career. I don't know how I ever did it--studied so much. Now I can't stand it. It's horrible and it puts me in a bad mood. I'm absolutely miserable right now. What makes it even worse is how all of my tests have been so spread out...it's been dragged out all week. And I still have 3 to go. I just can't do it anymore. I don't have the concentration. I don't have the drive. Or the motivation. What scares me is the possibility of failure. Not about letter grades. Just about not doing well--failing, getting a really bad grade. I don't want that. That's why I suffer on...yet, it's taking its toll on me. I feel like I used to feel. Stuck inside my house all day, not seeing anyone, not going anywhere because I have to study. It sucks. It really, really sucks. Not looking forward to tomorrow...another long day of needing to study. And I'm not even trying to make an A. Just trying to pass and get a decent grade. But I've screwed myself over by not keeping up...but has that really been such a bad thing? I think deep down is that I still don't want to make less than an A. I'm afraid. Even though I keep telling myself that I don't have to, I'm not sure if I truly believe it. The possibility of it scares me...it's all I've ever known. Yet, why do I want something that has caused me so much misery and suffering all my life? I don't want it. And I know it. It's just that it really could happen this time, and am I prepared for it? I hate not being prepared. Especially for tests and quizzes. It's one of my worst nightmares...and believe me, I have had dreams before where I showed up for tests unprepared, and woke up in the middle of the night in a sweat...It's the anxiety...but surprisingly, I haven't been feeling stressed. A little nervous, maybe, but not stressed. Just irritated to have to study to much. Because that's the old me. The me that I wanted to get rid of. That I thought I got rid of. Actually, I guess I did because if I still really cared so much, I would be stressed and would just get it done...but I don't care as much, and want it to all be over with. The next 2 days are going to be 2 of the longest days I've had in a while. Friday, 12:00pm and it's over. For 3 months.

you've got my head spinning, i don't know where to go from here

School needs to be over. Now. No more studying. I can't take it anymore. I don't have the concentration anymore. I just want to go out. Yes, the words that I thought I'd never be saying...but it's been a week and I'm just dying to go back out...tired of staying home. But it's exam week...I don't have an exam tomorrow...but there's probably not a lot of people out anyways. And plus I should be studying. Yeah, should be. Tried it. Attempted to all day. Made a little progress, but my attention span was and still is very short today. Gonna try a little bit more later. I was supposed to hang out with Ania tonight, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. She hasn't called me like she said she would. But it's ok. It's probably better that I don't and just go to bed so I'm not tired...it's going to be a long day of studying tomorrow. I'm not used to staying in, having no place to go...I've gotten so used to being out or at Ania's or out with her somewhere, so it's weird...there's all this time, yet, not enough of it. I tend to waste most of it...mainly here on the computer. Facebook will be the death of me, I swear. I've gotta stop...I check it a million times a day to see if I've gotten any messages or to see what's new and such...always check you-know-who's page...but I've really had it with him. I know, here I go again...overanalyzing everything and complaining, saying I'm going to do this and that, and then go and do it...He just makes me so mad. So inconsiderate. And I hate inconsiderate people. Rude, too. Not returning phone calls, messages, even if it's just out of polite curtesy. But whatever. Who needs him? I certainly don't. I'm an incredibly amazing and beautiful person with so much to offer...and why waste what I've got on someone who doesn't care? It's pointless. And stupid. And I need to get off this thing now and study.

But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles

Memories flooded my mind this evening as I was studying. They just came and washed all my concentration way. First, I smiled as I thought about how wonderful it was to kiss him, to hear the sound of his voice, to see the sight of his face, to feel his arms wrapped around me...but then I thought about the little things that I liked about him, the things that really mattered...and I shed a tear...but I didn't cry. I won't. Never again over him. This heart of mine will be unbroken no more. Slowly, I will mend it, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...and I will be whole again. But really, I never will. A piece remains missing every time you place your heart in the hands of someone you care about. It's just the risk you take. You trust that person to treat it gently, to treat it as if it were their own...but it doesn't always work out that way, and it becomes damaged in the process. A small or large piece--depending on how much you gave up--is lost forever with that person. And you only hope that they lost part of their heart when they gave up you. I didn't expect to be feeling like this again. I've stumbled backwards, and I'm desperately tried to make it back to where I had been. I was much better before. I was almost at the point where I was completely over him. But that day...and the series of days since then...everything's come rushing back like a raging river. Especially these past few days. Because I know it's about to be truly over--more so than it is now. And it's about time I start acting like it.

This clock never seemed so alive

Let's face it...he's just not that into me. Ania got the book for me last week...read the first chapter last night. Agree with most of what it says, but not all of it...some of that stuff is just too freakishly true...I guess every girl/woman goes through the exact same things with guys. As I was reading it, I realized everything they were saying could apply to my situation. Why am I wasting my time on this guy? It's so obvious...all the signs are there. But I just don't want to believe that it's true. I don't want to accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with me. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself. But it's something I'm going to have to do, because I can't keep holding on to a person who feels no sort of attachment to me. It's not fair. To him. To me mostly. Because he doesn't care. I'm the furthest thing from his mind...when he's always on mine. It's gotta stop because it's going to drive me crazy and possibly hinder other potential relationships. I've learned a lot. What not to do mainly. But there is someone out there for me, and I know I'm gonna find him soon. I can feel it. And he's going to do whatever it takes to ask me out. Because a guy who's really into you will go to the ends of the Earth just to be with you. And that's what I'm trying to find.

cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do

I want to keep writing. In a way I'm stalling...using up time so I don't have to study. But this also just feels so good. Because I'm letting myself get down for no good reason. Over a STUPID GUY!!! I want this week to be over. I wish it would never start. But then that would just keep putting it off and would make things worse. I wish this week would just magically disappear. If it weren't for exams, I'd be perfectly fine. Actually, I don't want it to end. I want the classes to, but not everything else. I don't want Ania to go home. I don't want Adam to go home. But maybe that's what I need. For him to finally not be here. Because I know that while he is here, there's the chance that he'll call and want to hang out with me...but if he's home, then I know there's no chance at all that would happen. And I could finally say that it was over. Except that there's next year. But I'm going to have a someone by then. I'm going to be with someone. Not him. Because he's not worthy of me. I deserve 100 time better than him. Ania thinks I can definitely do better. But I like him. Unfortunately. I'm not settling, believe me, because if someone else came along today that was totally and completely crazy about me and I was attracted back, then I would forget about Adam. Except I really wouldn't. He'd still be there. No matter what though, he always will. There's a special place for him...no matter how much it hurts. It'll ease with time, but right now it's like an open wound that just cannot heal. That won't heal. That doesn't want to heal. I keep reinjuring it everytime I think about him. Everytime I want to call him. When in the rare instances he calls. Over and over and over again...I thought it was hilarious when I saw he'd joined a group on facebook for hopeless romantics...umm, sorry, but that just doesn't describe him. At least from what I've witnessed. I definitely qualify for that title, but him...I'm just glad I didn't compromise my values for him...because there was a time, after I saw him that night at the club, I thought about it...but then I snapped out of it and realized that would have just made things a million times worse. There'd be no way for me to forget about him. Ever. And when he didn't call and history repeated itself...I'd be crushed. More than crushed. It'd feel like a thousand knives were stabbing me in my chest. I'd never be the same. And I would've lost something that is so important to me. Something that I don't take lightly at all. Something that I'm waiting to share with the guy I fall in love with...and who falls completely in love with me. I just keep going back and forth--being wrenched in different directions every moment. Most of the time I've been inbetween lately. And I think that's where I'll remain for a while. As long as I don't fall back. Because I can't handle that. What I really want is to move forward. I'll get there...one day.

and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

Why can't I get him out of my head? Why??? Why am I always thinking about him? I should be moving on. I need to move on. I sent him a message on facebook today just wondering how his weekend was going and wished him good luck on his exams. It was actually Ania's idea because I wasn't going to talk to him or anything unless he did first. But who knows when or if that would've ever happened. Told her the story about how he called last week on the way home from the airport and how we'd been messaging back and forth...said at least we were making some progress. But I shouldn't get any more involved. I don't have time for him to occupy my mind this week. Too much unwanted studying to do. But I'm not gonna stress myself out. Just going to take it one day at a time and do what I can. I'm not nearly as worried as I have been. I think it's because I know what to expect, unlike midterms. And I'm in a very good position grades-wise, so I only have to get a minimum...and if I slip a letter grade (from an A), it's no big deal, because it's not worth compromising my sanity to achieve that stupid symbol that has haunted me my entire life. Sad news...Ania won't be here this summer after all...but it's not going to stop me from going out because I'll find people (Matt! and Amanda, too) to go out with. It's not going to be a boring summer spent alone. I'm gonna find someone. I know it can happen. It will happen. I'll make it. I've so far accomplished all of my goals when I've been out of getting a really cute guy that I want...but it's hard when there's someone in the back of your mind that's always there and no matter how hard you try, he's still there. Because I still have feelings for him. There's still something about him that I'm drawn to. Maybe it's just the illusion of what I wanted to have with him. Maybe it's because he did care at one point. Maybe it's because I know he still likes me and there's still a possibility for us...potentially. What am I doing? He ONCE MAY HAVE cared. Only a POSSIBILITY. And that's good enough? Why have I lowered my standards? Why am I waiting around for someone to eventually come to their senses, who may actually never do so because they didn't realize what they had and what an amazing and beautiful girl wanted to be with them for some stupid selfish reason? It's because I'm lonely. And I want someone. And I almost had him. Now I can't have him. I want something I can't have. But I never really had it. I've gotta let it go. But it's so incredibly hard. And painful. The thought of him with someone else just kills me. I want to know why. But there's no use in asking because what good would that do? What would it change? It'd just make me question myself, to doubt myself, to make myself feel so sad and depressed. Why is he playing games like this with me? Doesn't he realize that what he's doing is completely tearing my heart apart? I want to see him, to talk to him...yet, I don't want to because I know I'll get my hopes up (even though I tell myself I won't and try not to), and then when nothing happens, it's the same cycle all over again. I keep letting myself go back. I've got to stop it. He clearly doesn't feel the same way I do. I never meant to feel this way. It just happened. Sometimes it just does. He was just everything I thought I wanted. I just don't understand...I mean, he was the one who chose me in the first place! Of course, I didn't have to accept, but this time it was right and I wanted to...he just came along out of the blue...and noticed me. ME. Not any other girl. But me. So where the hell is he??? If he didn't have any intentions of wanting to date me, he should've never asked me out...I guess it's not fair to say that though. But it wasn't fair of him to lead me on. And to still lead me on. Why did he want to call me again after I saw him that night? What were his intentions? I should've found out. Given him an ultimatum? That probably wouldn't have been the best idea. But to get some sort of gauge where he wanted to go, well that would have been nice. This is exactly everything I know I shouldn't be doing right now. Wasting my time on him. When I mean absolutely nothing to him.

I pray for this heart to be unbroken

Don't listen to the Backstreet Boys' new song incomplete if you're feeling lonely....

Call your number, but I can't seem to get through

Gilmore girls is the story of my life right now. Everything that has been happening with Rory and guys...I can so relate. I'm watching this past week's episode right now that I taped because I wasn't home...she's going through the whole "not calling me back/only getting his voicemail" phase. Had a couple of really great weeks, and then not seeing/talking for a while. Lots of the other episodes this season I can place myself in that situation or something similar to it. The ending to the show...OMG! I have been there. Still am there in a sense. It's like I'm watching my life play out in front of my eyes...

I keep telling myself things can turn around with time

It's been a long week. And next week's gonna be even longer. It's my first Friday night at home. Alone. In a very long time. I don't really know what to do with myself. I've gotten so use to going out. But it's cool. Made Ania one of my posters tonight. Let's hope it doesn't scare her off like it did Adam (haha)...but I know she wanted it and I told her that I'd make one for her. Used the song hands down this time. That song...it's got so many stories behind it. Did a small amount of studying tonight. More like looking over a few notes. But hey, at least I tried to be somewhat productive. But I did get 3 out 5 questions done for one of my classes today. Not bad. I'm feeling a little lonely though. A night like tonight reminds me of my past...where all I'd be doing is sitting here at my computer wasting time...not that I still don't do that other nights. Ok, most days and nights. I'm seriously a compulsive facebook checker. I have to literally force myself off that thing. Tell myself to stop. It's bad. Well, I'm surprising very tired. Again. Actually, that's been the story of my life lately. But it's been worth it. I've had so much fun. And it's not gonna stop either. My new motto: "Don't make any guy a priority when you're only an option to him."

I try to go on as if I never met you

Umm...guess who actually decided to call me today...if you were thinking Adam, you were correct. Yeah, so apparently he got my facebook message from this morning where I told him if he wanted to know the story about how I almost got arrested (for distributing alcohol to a minor--but it wouldn't have been a jail thing...just a written arrest), he had to call me because I wasn't going to type it out. So after his class today he did. I missed his call because I was working out. I caught it as I saw he left a voicemail message. Wasn't sure who it would be, but sure enough, it was him. I called him back and he said he was just calling to find out about the story. Took him long enough, considering I called him last Thursday night about it after it happened! But he did call. Not that it means much. He asked me if I would be in town for the weekend (where else would I go?). So, maybe he'll ask me out. Yeah, right. That's wishful thinking. So who knows...I have soooooo much studying and catching up to do this weekend. Won't be going out (unless I get a date from either of 2 boys...or both!). Ania's out of town until Sunday...it's so weird because it will be the longest we've been apart since that first night we went out...we've become practically best friends and have spent so much time together. But she's now decided that she's going to be taking classes over the summer, so she'll be in town...which means a very fun summer of going out and partying! Oh, and Matt wrote me back...he promised me we'll hang out. He better keep his word. I trust him though. Unlike someone else....

wish upon a star, but do you know what stars are?

Went out last night...had a lot of fun...until the end when I had to leave this super hot guy. I met him before last night...he was our waiter at Olive Garden one night...he and Ania knew each other from a class...told us about how girls would leave their numbers for him alot...we couldn't tell if he wanted us to leave one of ours, so we didn't that night. Last week when we went, we asked if he was working, and he was, but we didn't know. Then on Monday we went there, and Ania saw him, and he ended up being our waiter again. He's not the best waiter in the world. But he is soooooo cute! Ania left my number for him because I wouldn't do it. I didn't object though. Ania ended up forgetting her credit card and he called me as we were leaving...so embarassing...trying to be all smooth and all...but we knew he would be at the club we went to last night. Saw him, said hi. Moved on. Then ended up talking with him...Ania left me alone with him...the place sucked, so we decided to go to potbelly's instead. Danced with him there. Kissed. Not enough at all though. Then I had to leave because Ania and Sarah and Rachel came to pick me up. Felt so sad and disappointed afterwards. Because I know he won't call me. He's got my number still, he said so. But I can't trust guys to call me anymore. I'm not being negative--you're just naiive if you think they will (as Ania said last night). But it's ok. I had fun. Sent Matt another drunk facebook message, this time begging him to promise to go out with me because I can't take any more disppointment from guys...was going to write one to Adam, but held myself back. Good thing too, because he wrote me a response to the message I had sent last...he misses the old Mallory. The one who wasn't mean to him all the time. And I wrote back that I miss the old Adam, the one who wanted to hang out with me and talk to me. So we'll see what he says back. At least we've got some form of communication going. But still, hopes aren't high. And it's ok.

I wanna hold on but it hurts so bad, but I can't keep something that I never had

He won today. I let him win. It was a moment of weakness, and he got to me. Made me realize what a fool I have been. Never did I intend for this to happen. I thought I was stronger. I am stronger than this. I know it. But I let him take over my life, and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't blame anyone but myself. I was warned. I was intervened. But no...the temptation was way too overpowering for me. And I relapsed. But this time, he didn't hurt me like he did before. Deep down I always expected it. So why did I try to go back? Why did I want to go back? Because he was all I had. It was the illusion of him that I wanted. Not necessarily him himself. But what I thought we had. Wish turns out was really nothing to begin with. I let him call all the shots in the relationship...he only called when HE felt like it. He only wanted to hang out when HE wanted to. But what about me? What about what I want? Is that not important to him? Apparently not. And so why would I want someone like this, who treats me like I'm the last thing on their mind? The truth is, I don't want someone like this. But these characteristics were taking a back seat to everything I thought he was. Turns out he wasn't what I wanted. I will find what I want. Eventually. It will happen. But I'm sick of waiting.

Don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me...

It's been too long, way too long. And what a week it has been. What a month it's been. It's probably been the most exciting month I've ever had in my life. I've definitely been having the time of my life. Making up for the past 3 years...actually, more like my entire life! Tuesday was a blast...got a call from Adam, and me being so wasted, called him a million times that night. The highlight was when Ania called him and told him off--she said everything that I wanted to say to him and more. It was everything he needed to hear. Ended up going to dinner with us on Wednesday. Very awkward. Big time. But it went well. Gave him a bit of a hard time...but hopefully Ania isn't that "girl who hates you" anymore. But she's so awesome for doing this for me. But then I called him later to see if he wanted to hang out. Nothing had changed. I don't know why I thought it would. I felt like such an idiot. But I can tell he still likes me. But the ball's in his court now, because I've done everything I can do to make my intentions known. He went home this weekend and I sent him a text message wishing him a safe trip home and a good weekend...no thanks or anything. Called him that night (late at night) to tell him about a story--almost got arrested for distributing alcohol to a minor. My friend got a written arrest for trying to sneak beer up through a second story room window in Southgate using a pully system. Yeah, so lame I know. But it's a fun story to tell! Friday went to a frat party with Ania and her friend who is thinking about coming to FSU next year...really nice girl. Had a lot of fun hanging out with her. The went to Stetson's and had a blast...saw some of the most random people from high school...danced with Herbie, Matt's best friend. And drunkingly sent Matt a facebook message telling him so. Friday at Chubby's saw Herbie again and he pulled me over to dance with him...heard through the grapevine I'd told Matt...sent Matt another message later that night...definitely going out with him this summer--so can't wait for these 2 weeks to be over--school-wise and for Matt to come home! This is going to be a week of hell. So much to do. But I did it to myself. I'm the one who's been slacking and not keeping up. An 8-10 page paper to write that's due friday that I just can't seem to get myself to write. Plus, Tuesday I'm going out for the last time this semester with Ania (at least until after finals). AHHHHHH....the stress is starting to get to me. Overwhelmed. That's how I feel. Apparently Adam's talk with Ania did no good, because he hasn't called me back yet. What a jerk! But I really don't care because I deserve so much better and it just shows what kind of person he is. And plus, there's Matt!!!!!

If I could be your first real heartache

I don't know why I ever believed it. Why am I so stupid? Why am I doing this to myself? I don't blame him. Because there's no one to blame but myself. I'm the one who got my hopes up. I'm the one that actually believed he wanted me again. But he obviously doesn't. Because if he did, he'd want to spend time with me. And call me to talk to me. Instead, he only calls when HE feels like it. If he even calls at all. Everything's on his terms. It's not fair. That's not the way it's supposed to work. I'm apparently his absolute last priority. Dead last. Because if I wasn't, things would not be as they are. He's always on my mind. I can't escape it. I know I'm not on his mind. Why did he call again? I was perfectly fine knowing that he wouldn't actually call. But then he did. And when I called him, it was deja-vu all over again. Voicemail is all I would get. No one picking up on the other line. Just leave a message and I'll call back. Yeah, right. Only when he feels like it. Did you call me earlier? Oh, why yes I did. And it took you this freaking long to call me back? What are you doing that is so important that you can't take the time to call someone back for 2 minutes, if it even takes that long? Because I would call back as soon as I saw that I had a call. It's only the polite thing to do. It's just so incredibly rude. All I'm asking for is a simple phone call. But I'm not calling ever again. I'm sick of being let down. I'm just setting myself up for disappoinment when I do. Because when he doesn't answer, or I talk to him and he doesn't want to do anything with me, it'll crush me. And I'll be in the exact same place as I started. Hurt and alone. It's not worth it. He's SO not worth it. Because if I was truly worth it to him, there'd be absolutely no reason for me to be writing this or to be feeling this way. What did he expect me to do? Drop everything for him? Devote myself to him? Like last time? Look where that got me! And he isn't willing to do the same for me. Never was. Never will. Because if you really care about someone, then you won't ever treat them this way. Ever.

I woke up in a car

Wow...what a weekend. So much to tell. It's one weekend I won't ever be forgetting. I learned a lot about myself. Really bonded with Ania. She's so much fun to be around. Got to get to class now. More later.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember

OMG!!!!OMG!!!!!OMG!!!!!! ADAM CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!!!!! I AM SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY!!!!!!!!! He called around 10:30 just to say hi...tried to be a little mean, but I couldn't...he's impossible to resist. I don't know if he was going to ask me out or not, but before he got the chance I said I was going to the beach. I invited him to come with us, and he said he'd think about it. But plans have changed! Ania calls me last night and is like, we're going to Boston this weekend--her best friend from high school goes to Harvard and we'd stay with him. But then she calls again and says we're going to Gainesville instead--so many options: Orlando and Tampa were possiblilties as well. And all her guy friends wanted us to come whereever they were--they think I'm really hot!!! So we decided we're going to Gainesville today and are gonna party there tonight, and then we'll go to Orlando tomorrow (stop by the beach first) and see her parents and party with her friends tomorrow night. And come back home on Sunday. I called Anne and told her I'll be in Orlando tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to meet up with her. I'm SO EXCITED!!!! Last night, things just kept getting better and better!!!! I've gotta call Adam today and tell him I'm not going to the beach anymore--not that I'm sure he wasn't actually going to go with me, but just to be considerate, because that's how I am. But whatever happens between us, I know he can't hurt me anymore. I'm gonna have my fun this weekend anyways. I need to have a little talk with him. To see what his intentions are. Because I still really like him, and I'd love to date him again and spend time with him. But I'm not going to let that stop me this weekend because we're not dating or anything at the moment. Just started talking again. Seriously never expected to hear from him again. Ever. But he did call...so he has been thinking of me...which is really nice to know. He just can't resist me either...I know he still likes me. I think he did all along. He just was being a stupid guy who didn't know what he had until he lost it, which I think he realized after seeing me this weekend. But I swear if he treats me the way he did ever again, it's over for good. Because there are soooooo many guys who want to meet me right now and go out with me, it's not even funny. That's never happened to me before. I've never felt better or more secure about myself than I do right now. It's incredible.

Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold

Ok, so I'm not putting up with it anymore. I called the police department to report a noise complaint, because those jerks behind me can't get away with it. It's not fair. I don't know how other people put up with it. Or why. They're so inconsiderate and incredibly rude with no respect for other people. And I can't stand people like that. They better get here soon, because I'm about to lose it. I'm not kidding. Don't ever play your music loud around me (unless I'm part of the cause), because you will be asking for it!!! Ania and I are so crazy...last night I went over to her place to hang out, and when I got there, we decided to get all dressed up and take a bunch of pictures of ourselves for fun. And we had some alcohol left over from the night before that we decided to finish off...so it was fun times. And tomorrow we leave for the beach! It's going to be so much fun--at least it will be if we can find a place to stay! Right now we're just staying with some guys Ania knows...but that might not work out. In a way I'm nervous about just going down there because I know that you have to have a ticket and stuff and already signed up to go...and I definitely don't like doing things I'm not supposed to do. But what's the big deal? The worst that could happen is that we get there, find out we can't participate, and we come home. If that's the case, we'll have our own party! More later.

I'm not always strong, oh I need you here

I HATE THESE STUPID PEOPLE BEHIND US WHO PLAY THEIR STUPID MUSIC WAYYYY TOOOOO LOUD THAT IT SHAKES MY HOUSE!!!!! Ok, had to get that out...so, I just called Ania, and she says she's talking to this really hot guy she was friends with from high school and showed him our website. She said he said I was so hot--not just hot, but gorgeous!!! He was disappointed to learn that I was a junior, but Ania told him I don't mind dating younger guys (since I have seen Andrew). So, who knows?!!! Big mood booster anyways, since I was feeling a little down about Adam...trying not to, telling myself I don't need him (which I don't), wondering if I should call him...but then after talking to Ania and what she said about her friend....why the hell do I want to waste my time thinking about a jerk who could obviously care less about me, because if he cared any at all, he'd call. Because that's what a really great guy would do. But he's not one of those guys. I WILL find one of those guys, and I have a feeling it might be pretty soon. I know Matt is one of those. I was thinking about how much in common we have today. I remember he just absolutely made my summer last year. Well, sorta. The times I saw him were great. But whatever. Things are different now. I'm different. I'm more willing to try new things. Heck, I'm going to a huge spring break-like party in Panama City Beach this weekend. A kind of event that I swore I'd never go to...but I am and I'm going to have so much fun. Being single isn't always such a bad thing...

And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late

I think I failed a quiz today. I did so bad on it, it's not even funny. I didn't study much for it, but I knew what I thought I needed to know. Apparently, the 2 previous quizzes from other semesters we're given to study from did no good because the quiz today was nothing like it. It was so hard. But I'm not upset really. Just wish I'd studied a little more for it. I'm doing very little of that these days. I think that's a good thing though. I have other things to be doing now...fun things. Instead of always focusing on school. I had a really good self-esteem day. Big time. I've been so happy with myself lately. I'm so proud of myself for finally realizing it. It's a really great feeling--being happy with yourself. And it's really showing. I know other people are noticing it too, especially guys. Maybe that saying is true about how when you have confidence in yourself, people will want to be around you. I never wanted to believe it because it was bad news for me, but now I'm not so sure...My mom put my friendship with Ania best like this: she's the little sister I never had, referring to not taking a little sister in KD. I guess that's true in a way. We get along really great, even though we're really complete opposites in a lot of ways. But opposites do attract...I seem to find myself being drawn to people different from myself a lot of times. They make up for areas that I lack, and vice-versa. I think it's also because she's really outgoing, and I needed to be around someone like that. Just someone new to get me to try new things, have different experiences. But I still love all my friends (Meghan, Vanessa, Kathryn--we need to get together really soon!!!). I'm going out tonight. Fun, fun, fun! Maybe I'll meet another guy...or I'll invite Andrew along...we'll see. I'm so excited about this summer! I can't wait until school's over and Matt comes home, because who knows what just might happen...well, I do--and it will this year!!! Unless, of course, a certain someone decides to call...but that won't happen. I've given up on it. I still think about it though. It's always in the back of my mind, haunting me, giving me false hope. But who needs him when I've got so many to choose from?!!!

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

So guess who I'll be hanging out with this summer...Matt!!! When I woke up this morning, I logged onto facebook and saw I had 2 messages...I was hoping one might be from him by some chance, and one of them was! I put a new picture up--it's from Friday night at a fraternity party. It's one of those shots that kinda messed up, but ended up turning out really good. Anyways, in it, I'm holding an infamous red cup in my hand. And I made a webpage with pictures of me and Ania and our fun nights out. Apparently, Matt checked it out, because he wrote me. Here's what he said:

2:10am 04.04.05
Matt:
Is that an alcoholic beverage I see in your hand in your picture?! And what is this about Kissing hot guys? Mallory (last name)! Your mom would be so proud. She is always telling me that I should take you out to a party but thought you wouldn't be interested...we will have to throw a party sometime this summer. Hope you are having fun (and by the looks of things I am not to concerned.)
9:32am 04.04.05
Mallory:
Aw, Matt...you seriously made my day, you have no idea. And of course that's not alcohol! Me, drinking?!!! (haha!!) I have some crazy stories I could tell you that you would not even believe that it was me...And yes, we definitely have to have a party or at least go out or something...in the past I wouldn't have been interested, but all it took was a little heartbreak, some newfound confidence in myself, and the desire to find someone...and I'm having so much fun along the way and I'm so happy for once! Talk to you soon!~Mallory
Matt:
I am so glad you are happy and full of confidence. There was never any reason for a girl like you to not have confidence but at least you have it now. We will definitely hang out, you can tell me your crazy stories.

!!! So yeah, we will definitely be hanging out this summer!!! He really made my day. I've been a little sad about Adam. Not too much, but more like disappointment. I knew that he wouldn't call me. I even told him right to his face that he wouldn't actually call me. He said he would, but how do I trust someone who has broken his word before? Whatever. Ania and I are having a "guys suck" night tomorrow. We're going to blast the Avril music and eat ice cream and talk about what jerks guys can be. Not all--just Adam and Tim. We're going to forget these losers. Although, if the do end up calling us, we will both go back to them. Because we're girls. And we're dumb. That's what we do. We let guys treat us like we're nothing for some stupid reason, all because we want someone to hold us and care about us. When we think we've found the rare guy who actually does, we end up devoting ourselves to him. And then the fairytale ends. And we're left all alone, wondering what we did wrong, why it didn't work out, begging for them to take us back. But on another note, Ania told me she ran into Ania today and was like, "I have a lot of studying to do today, and I might take a study break and go for coffee with Mallory if you want to come" and she said he was like, yeah, I'd really like that, make sure you call me if you do. Awww...how sweet! I think he likes me....I'm really not sure how I feel about him at the moment. I'd like to continue to get to know him and date him, but I don't want anything serious because there's 4 weeks of school left and he'll be leaving. Plus, there's the possibility of Adam still calling...and Matt this summer...plus tons of other potential boys I might meet...Never been in this situation before. Wow, more than one guy to choose from...that's a huge rarity for me. Anyways, I've been slacking with school...gotta study for a quiz tomorrow. I'm really ok with the Adam thing. He's a jerk. So not worth my energy. I never really got my hopes up anyways. I knew it wouldn't come true. Because that's just the way it is.

Maybe I should hate you for this, never really did get quite that far

I think I may have made a huge mistake last night. I saw Adam at the club. And I danced with him a good amount of the time, on and off. He asked if he could call me again. I kept saying that he wouldn't, but he said he would. I called him last night after I got back to Ania's room. I didn't think he'd actually answer, and I said that to him. But he said that he did answer. I practically begged him to call me--more like threatened. I was drunk. Not too bad, but so was he. I cried. I was upset about him, about knowing deep down that I won't hear from him again. But today, I'm ok. It's not the end of the world if he doesn't call. Because I will continue to go out and meet guys. But I think he was really happy to see me. And he was the one who asked if he could call me--he got my permission. I had fun with him. It brought back so many memories. He just looked lost out there on the dance floor...and I decided to take a chance and go up to him. He was surprised, but didn't reject me. I think there's been a lot of miscommunication. But I know in my heart that he won't call. I want him to so badly, but I don't know if I can trust him. That's why I kept telling him that he better call me. Because I don't have any reliable indication that he will.

My heart is yours to fill or burst or break or bury or wear as jewelry, whichever you prefer

So much for getting anything accomplished today. I was (and still am) so tired. I could barely stay awake in class all day, and I had to take a nap this afternoon. I intended it to just be a power nap, but when I got up to work out, I realized there was no way that was happening. And I definitely was tired, because it takes something big for me to miss a workout...I really wish I had gotten it in today. I was starting to get back on track after a few very off/not good running days. I've spent the past 2 hours (at least) on facebook. I finally made myself get off of it. Accruing more and more friends...basically just people from high school and people I know. I've found people that I'm contemplating on adding, but I can't decide. For some reason I get kinda nervous about adding some people, fearing that they might reject me. But so far, that of course hasn't happened. There's no reason it should (gotta be positive!). Ania never called me back today. I hope she's ok. She's been seeing this guy every night for the past 5-6 days and hasn't been getting any sleep. I'm worried about her. Hopefully she'll want to go out tomorrow. I wanted to tonight, at least earlier in the day I did. But now I'm tired and feeling lousy because of the stupid spring pollen...my throat is killing me and I keep coughing and I just feel so drained of energy. I don't ever remember it affecting me this way. But then again, I haven't been here for the past 2 springs. I can't believe it's already for the time to change--wasn't expecting it to come so soon. I'm really gonna miss that extra hour. It's going to be painful Sunday, especially if I go out, which I'm sure I will. Been thinking a lot...mainly about Andrew. And guys in general. They're so complicated. So impossible to figure out. Good quote from the movie last night: "Men, can't live with them....that's about it." I've really gotta start buckling down with school...I need to do a little bit every day, otherwise, I know I will be regretting it in 3 weeks (3 weeks! I can't believe that's all that's left of classes!) for exams. But I want to have fun the rest of this semester...really try and live it up. Too bad it took me so long. But there's always summer...and I am SO going to find a guy to date this summer, because I'm not spending 3 months alone. It's the perfect opportunity. Just gotta find someone who will be here. There's always Matt...who said he's sure he'll see me this summer...but not getting my hopes up on that one. Just wishful thinking. But maybe I can go out with him, since that's what I like to do now. I've just gotta keep putting myself out there...and go out on dates...and eventually I'll find someone who will want to start a relationship with me. Because every guy is missing out right now on one amazing girl.