Or one more lie could be the worst

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS???? AND WHAT THE HELL DID HE EXPECT???? I CANNOT BELIEVE HE CALLED ME---AT 2AM---TWICE. First, I wake up at 2:10am to my phone ringing...and see that it's him calling. HIM. AND HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN??? I don't answer. For one thing, I don't feel like talking. At 2 am. TO HIM especially. He leaves a message saying it's hey, that's it's him, hopes I feel better...long pause...sorry to hear it, unsure voice, says bye. My reaction: literally NOTHING BUT SHOCK. And not much else...not long lost feelings washing up or surfacing. I just wondered why? Then I get another call. I decide to answer it, but not until after it rings a while. And what does he flat out say to me? DID YOU FUCKING CALL ME A LITTLE WHILE AGO???? NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT TO ME. He does not wake me up at 2 o clock in the morning and say that--THAT WAY--to me. I immediately take offense and tell him no, and he's like, are you sure, and I say yeah I am and, and he's like, and what, and I say and nothing...He asks why I sound so depressed and I said I don't that it's 2 am in the morning and I'm sick and have been asleep for a couple hours (how am I supposed to sound???). I say don't call me and start accusing me of this...he gets mad and is like accusing you of what, I repeated what he said to me, and he's like yeah did you fucking call me, I asked if he was drunk and he said he had been drinking a little (ha--more like way too much). I forget what else was said and that was it. I WAS ON THE BRINK OF TEARS. No, he did not just call me, after all this time, and say that to me. Or so I thought. At 2:30 I get another phone call from him (oh, he said he missed me again in the last call) saying that he's sorry, I'm like sorry for what, he says for hurting me, that he really misses me and wants to see me, blah blah blah. Just a bunch of crap. Some things were said, don't remember what. Goodbye. Then he calls back while I'm now fully wired and pissed off. Just got off the phone with Kathryn. It was good to vent to another person--and by random chance she turned her phone on to get my message! Thanks for listening! The details are seriously getting fuzzy on me at the moment...maybe because it's so late and I need to get back to sleep. Everything will be clear in the morning and I'll write all about it. Because boy do I have some things to say!!

I get a notion by the look in your eyes

I had THE weirdest dream this morning (yes, this morning...I got up and went back to bed...I'm still sick you know) involving Adam. Weird. Creepy weird. I was hanging out at his place, where he had like 10 roommates, and they were pretty much all girls. I was on my way out of town??? And he wouldn't really pay very much attention to me. I think I kept trying to get his attention and didn't want to leave...I can pretty much interpret this dream. I haven't been thinking about it today, but for some reason, I remember an awful lot about it. Most dreams I forget the instant I wake up and by the end of the day I'm like, "what did I dream about? I know it was something really strange." So I'll try giving what I think it meant, even though I rarely even try to figure out what my dreams mean. It's too complicated. And you're supposed to write down your dream the minute you wake up so you have all the details. Yeah right. Pick up a pencil first thing and write...not happening. Well, I think the whole not paying attention to me needs no interpreting, really, because that's pretty much what reality is like. And I obviously want his attention (or wanted, but deep down...I can say I've moved on as much as I want, but does anyone ever really get over someone they really had feelings for?), but my efforts, no matter how hard I try, are pointless. And that's definitely true for the real world. I can wish and wish and wish, and try and try and try, but as long as he still feels what he says he feels, which is nothing, then there's nothing that I can do to change his mind. As for the whole weird house he lived in, I have no clue. For the tons of people who kept coming and going (and the 10 roommates?!), I think it may have been trying to express the fact that I feel like I'm just another girl in his life, no one special to him, which is why he treated me as he did. And I do remember feeling a little threatened by the female roommates in the dream...probably stands for my not wanting him to be with anyone else, that I can't stand the thought of him with another girl. It's the fact that he doesn't want you, but you want him. I don't think that I've wanted to see any of the guys that I've liked in the past with another girl. Who does? Especially when it didn't work out, but YOU wanted it to. I don't really know the meaning of the dream, and obviously never will. And who knows if I'm even close to what my subconscious mind was trying to tell me. But I gave it a shot, and it was interesting analyzing my thoughts. Not that I don't ever do that; I actually overanalyze WAY too much. Maybe I'll check out a book about dreams from the library. Or maybe not.

One last kiss could be the best thing

Chloe is sitting on the floor looking up at me and staring, begging me to play with her. She's so hard to resist...but I really don't feel like playing. She's a crazy little kitty cat, she really is. But so sweet. I don't know how anyone could have ever abandoned her. I've got Troy on the tv right now. It's on HBO. I've never seen it before, and there's nothing else on, so I figure, why not at least have it on as background noise? I'm feeling so much better right now than I have in the past week and a half. Just a little tired, but the nausea has subsided (at least for now, and hopefully for good). I had an accupuncture treatment this evening, which is supposed to help boost my immune system so my body will be rid of the disease quicker. Hey, why not try it, since there's nothing conventional medicine can do for me. It doesn't hurt--it's a little strange-feeling, but not painful. I've had it done before, so it wasn't my first time. I want so badly to workout. To do something active and physical. To get my heart pumping. I'm going nuts not being able to do so. I got the lube kit for my treadmill in the mail this past weekend, but I haven't tried it out on my machine yet to see if that'll fix it. I really hoping that it does, because I don't want to have to buy a new belt, and I want my treadmill back! Last night was the first night I didn't watch any fireworks on the 4th of July. I wasn't feeling well, and my plan for finding a boy to kiss under the fireworks had to be abandoned. So much for a good 4th. Maybe next year. I really want to have a big outdoor picnic-type party one year, with a bunch of people. I think that'd be fun. She's just looking at me with those eyes, and that face....awww!!! Too cute for words. I missed out Saturday night at Cafe Cabernet. Well, I missed it in the sense that I wished I'd seen everyone, because no one went. But I was asleep, so it was better that we didn't do it this week. Maybe next week it'll be on again. I want to see Joe!!! Haha...what cute boys will do to you...But I don't know, I read on Adam's facebook wall (no, I'm not a psycho...I check out other peoples' pages, too...but his more than others I guess!!! lol) that RJ is gonna be out of town this weekend (he was asking when Adam was going to come back up here to visit). Hmm...not sure I want to know that information. He sure is hell ain't getting anything from me whenever he does come back up!!! Ania's coming home soon. She'll be back on the 10th of July, but I'm confused to as whether she meant home as in Orlando, or here in Tallahassee. Because I know she's coming back to town early, but it sounds like the 10th she'll be back here. That'll give us a long time before school starts to have lots of fun...if I can recover fast. And not get sick again. That's why I'm still taking it easy, no matter how much I want to just go for a run (although, mentally I want to, physically, I'm way too worn out). I feel like I'm just babbling on about nothing really, so I'm going to go.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile

Guess who I heard from today--Adam! I'm serious!!! Yesterday I had sent him a message informing him that I had mono, so he could be on the lookout. I didn't expect to hear back--especially from him. I was even going to a one point write in here about how these 2 guys that I was involved with wouldn't even wish me well, showing what jerks I dated. But this evening when I checked facebook, there it was: a reply message from Adam. I was literally shocked. Here's what he wrote:
Hey, that really stinks that you have mono! I have never had it before. You must have been makin' out with some other boy :0 I hope you feel better and have a good 4th. Talk to you later. adam
That was really nice of him to write back. It really cheered me up and made me feel good. I know there's no future for us, but just the fact that he did that really impressed me. So now he's slightly less of a jerk. And his nice side showed for once--a side I haven't seen of him in a very long time. I highly doubt that I will hear back from Chris. Whatever. He's the bigger jerk out of them both. So I've felt a little better today--at least, better than yesterday. But I've been in bed all day watching tv and sleeping pretty much. I went home for dinner. I'm feeling ok at the moment, except for feeling nauseus (sp?). It's so weird...I don't know what's causing it. Is is the mono? Or it could be my birth control pills. However, I've been on those for over a month now, and I don't know why it would suddenly start making me feel sick. I'm starting to feel depressed. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, I've been sad and upset, but that was over boys, and it was totally different. I'm not feeling too great about myself--mainly about my body. I feel so blah and gross and inactive and out of shape. I'm so used to working out all the time, and ever since I came down with mono (before I knew what I had), my workouts had declined. So I began to feel this way a couple of weeks ago. I want to run so bad. But I can't because I might rupture my spleen. Plus, I don't exactly have the energy. My body image isn't so hot right now. I really hope I get over this soon, because I really want to get back to my normal level of fitness and feel good about myself.

And all the memories so close to me just fade away

It's official: I have mono. It sucks. I knew something was wrong with me, and I suspected it was mono all along. At least I know. Not that it helps, since there's nothing that can be done about it. It's a virus, not a bacterial infection, so there's no treatment, other than lots of rest and fluids. I read that it takes anywhere from 2-3 weeks to several months to be fully recovered and have energy levels back to normal. Please, don't let that happen to me. I'm already so upset that I can't workout and have been really off lately. I'm so used to being really active and having lots of energy. And that's what I'm not currently: active or energic. And I'm going crazy! The one good thing about this is that it happened during the summer. Because it would have been even worse if I was in school--I'd have to deal with classes, and I wouldn't be able to go out and I'd miss so much. So that's one plus about me getting it now. And, once you have mono, you become immune to catching it again (well, for most people it's that way). I just wonder how long it takes for a person to not be contagious. I did end up telling Adam and Chris--I sent them each a facebook message. I thought it'd be the courteous thing to do. I know if one of them got it instead, I'd want to know. But I doubt they'd have told me. I wonder where I got it from. And I wonder how long I've had it. Could have been from some random guy I kissed while out in a club last semester, but I don't think I kissed just random guys...they were all people that I'd met beforehand. I bet I got it from Adam. I got since that Sunday after I saw him. But it doesn't really matter where I got it from. I have it, and that's that. I'll just have to deal with it. Maybe it's my punishment for seeing Adam again. It's what I get for being so stupid. But probably not. You know what really bugs me? Those abstinence-only supporters. They're such hippocrits. They preach "no sex until marraige," but I wonder how many of them actually waited until they were married? I'm sure most of them probably engaged in pre-marital sex. Not that that there's anything wrong with wanting teens to postpone sex, but come on! Be realistic! There has been no time throughout human history when people did not not have sex before marraige! It's human nature! I'm not promoting having sex, but teens aren't going to stop. I think it's best to wait as long as you can and only do it when you feel ready, but in the meantime, banning programs that promote safe sex is just plain irresponsible on the behalf of adults. True, the only 100% way to prevent pregnancy and STDs is to simply not have sex. But get real! Most people don't make it until marraige. I really want to know the statistics for this, so I'm going to look it up at some point, because I think it'd be really interesting to find out. I'm bugged about this because I just read an article in the paper today about how members of the abstinence-only movement are trying to get makers of condoms to "tell the truth" about their effectiveness in preventing STDs on the box. Whatever. It's better to use a condom, no matter what--even if the risk is still high, it's lower than not using one. They're just trying to limit our rights to contraceptives...they're the ones who don't even want birth control to be legal. And it's really scary. Ever heard about those psycho-fundamentalist-pharmacists who refuse to fill prescriptions for birth control to women who are unmarried or simply because it's against their beliefs? THEY ARE CRAZY!!!! This is one area that I will definitely become an activist in, because there's nothing more important to me than the right to do what I want with my own body. No MAN can or will EVER take this fundamental right away from me. Too many have fought for us to be where we are today. And there's no way in hell we're ever going to go back.

I don't mind spending every night in the pouring rain

I'm going out of my mind. What the hell is wrong with me??? Why am I feeling so...not normal?! And so tired and have this weird thing going on with my appetite? I wish the doctor's office would call and give me my test results. And they better tell me something. I don't want anything to be wrong, but I want an explanation for why I have been feeling so blah and not good. No "everything's fine." Because THAT will make me explode! AHHHH!!!! I finished my book I was reading this evening. It was cute. A couple of the characters were WAY too annoying and I really couldn't stand them, but it was a decent "chick lit" novel. It's called Boy Meets Girl by Meg Cabot. And besides sleeping away the morning, I went and saw "War of the Worlds" with my brother and sister. It was very entertaining, at least it was to me. I enjoyed it. I can definitely see how H.G. Wells freaked the entire world out when it was read on the radio, and everyone believed that it was real. Not something you could do today, obviously. I just don't see why all these alien movies always have them destroying Earth and attacking the humans. I mean, why must they always be violent and out to get us? I guess that it makes for the most interesting and entertaining story. Although E.T. and Close Encounters of the Third Kind showed peaceful aliens. That's one thing that I do believe in--life existing other than Earth. Not in the sense that we see in the movies, but that there's got to be some kind of life out there somewhere in the universe. If it happened here, why not somewhere else? Scientists are discovering that life might have once existed on Mars...no green Martians, however. Some form on a very different scale than full-blown beings. And that's what I think is out there, somewhere, in this vast and mighty universe. Haha, that sounded really stupid...But yeah, I guess all those episodes of The X-Files and these types of movies have gotten to me...Not that I wouldn't be scared to learn of alien life, because the idea is freaky in itself. To discover that Earth isn't the only holder of life--that is something I know would drive some very scary actions and words from people here on Earth(uh, could you say it gives a huge blow to some ideas out there?). But it would definitely be very exciting at the same time. Just as long as they don't want to destroy our planet. Because that would not be a good thing. At all.

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Maybe kissing all those boys last semester wasn't such a good thing after all...I mean, of course it was fun, but there is a downside--catching something--no, NOT an std--like mono. I really hope not. But something's going on with my body that's just not quite right. I know there's gotta be something wrong when I don't even have the energy or desire to work out! And something's up with my appetite. I feel hungry, yet I don't want to eat. I kinda get this sick feeling in my stomach, and I have to force myself to have something. But I haven't wanted to eat much of what I normally eat. There's just no desire to eat really. And speaking of that feeling, I'm starting to feel that way right now...not good, not good. I'm gonna go lay down and rest and do some reading.

'Cause knowing you are out there breathing, it's so wonderful

"All my life, everybody has seen me a certain way."--Lena from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

I could not relate to anything more than this. When I heard it, it just struck me--that is me--that WAS me. For SO long. Way too long. I had created this image of myself--this person that everyone else saw as me. But it was never really me. Just one side. I was always too afraid to show the real me. To break out. To do something crazy. Something no one expected of me. I couldn't, because I was trapped in this mold that I was unable, or unwilling, to break free from. It was safe. It was what I knew. It's what everyone else knew. But I always longed to be one of those girls who had so much confidence, so much energy and charisma. The girl who could go up to anyone and start talking to them. Who didn't care what other people thought. She could do crazy, unexpected things, because it was ok. It was expected. But why couldn't I? Why did I feel that I had to be forever quiet and reserved--and good. I don't do bad things. I'm a good girl. I'm responsible. If I do that, what would everyone think of me? I can't do that--because that's not the me that they see. But now, I finally feel alive for once in my life. I have the control, and I don't care what anyone else thinks. I was once so afraid of letting anyone into my life to see the real me. I was afraid they wouldn't like what they saw. But once I opened up, nothing but good has come from it. I've continued to have my ups and downs, of course, but that's life. I've never been happier. I've never felt more confident in myself than any other time in my life. I just wish that I hadn't waited so long--that it didn't take me this long to finally realize it. But maybe I had to go through everything that I experienced to get here. It was the path that I was lost on. But maybe I wasn't lost at all--it just took me extra time to get here.

This is a song for the unloved

I have been eaten alive by mosquitoes in my bedroom. My legs are itching me like crazy right now, and I'm not very happy. My body has been a smorgasboard for one lucky mosquito tonight. So, it's back to feeling not well again today. I'm going to the doctor's tomorrow, which is probably what I should have done on Monday, but I thought it would just go away and I'd feel better. So much for that thought. I hope I don't have mono...it's a possibility, because it would explain why I've been so tired every day this summer when I haven't been doing much at all. And I felt this exact way after school got out. Hmmm...hope not, because that would not be fun. I wonder if I'd have to tell any guys I've kissed...that'd mean Adam and Chris--how embarassing that would be to do. Hey, it's me--again--just wanted to inform you that I have been diagnosed with mono. Hope you don't get sick! Mallory. Definitely not a way I want them to remember me. I know that you just don't get it from kissing, but it's one way that you can. I wonder where I could have gotten it from (if I have it)...Anyways, I went out with Meredith and her friend Mary last night. Remind never to go out on a Wednesday night again--SO BORING!! There is nothing to do and not that many people go out. Not that I didn't know that to begin with. I just wanted to go out and do something, since I didn't on Tuesday. I'll just stick to the Tuesday-Thursday-Friday-Saturday nights. Oh, and I ALMOST started crying at one point--but luckily, I was able to calm myself down. Surprisingly, I wasn't really sad about Adam--I was more sad about Chris because it reminded me of when we'd go out together. Too many couples, or at least cute boys talking to girls other than me. I felt VERY lonely. So lonely. I wish so much that I had someone. But nothing ever works out as planned with me. I thought that this might finally be the year that I'd have a guy to kiss under the fireworks on July 4th. And have it mean something. Not just kissing some random guy who will never talk to me again. Yeah, it can be fun when you're all drunk out on the dance floor, but I want more than that. I want ONE boy to kiss. And I want ONE boy to want to kiss ONLY ME. In my dreams...that's where it happens for now. Maybe someday soon it will finally become a reality.

I'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistake

I heard from Adam--surprisingly--yesterday. He responded to my facebook message, which I never expected him to do. Here it is:

11:07am 06.18.05
Mallory:
So I know you've been on facebook while you've been in town...and since you never answer your phone when I call, maybe I can get through to you this way. I know you have no intention of seeing me again while you're here, or probably ever even talking to me again, except when you'll want something from me. You used me the other night. Well, you got what you came for and I don't ever expect to hear from or see you again--you're just going to disappear on me like you've done before. I don't know why I thought this time might be different--maybe it's because you were the one that contacted me--you made the effort, not me this time for once. But you apparently only wanted one thing and could care less about me. Because if you did, you wouldn't treat me this way. You'd actually want to see me and spend time with me--not just for sex. And I'm so mad at myself because I can't believe I gave in so easily--I went against everything that I've stood my whole life for. And no, you weren't my first (too late for that), but still...the one time you show an interest in me again--I let it go to my head. It's not to say that at the time I didn't want to, but the thing was, I knew I shouldn't because I knew this is exactly what would happen. It's all about what Adam wants. When YOU want to see me, when YOU want to call me. But what about me?? I'd have much rather talked to you in person, but I knew it would've been pointless to try calling again, because you wouldn't answer. I still like you, Adam, and you know very well that I have all along. But I can't waste my time on someone who treats me like you have--I don't deserve it. If any of what I have said is untrue, you're free to tell me so (but I don't think you have the guts to tell me how you really feel--good or bad). And I'll know that if I don't hear from you again, that everything really is true.
11:36pm 06.20.05
Adam:
Since you think it is all about Adam, Adam was drunk the other night when I called and I regret what we did... I'm not saying it is your fault at all, I'm saying that I would have not even gone over there if I was thinking clearly. I made a big mistake. You are right in that I had no intention of seeing you this weekend But You are wrong to think that I could care less about you. I just dont want to be in a relationship with you and that is why we go for long periods without talking. I think we really dont have too much in common and I just dont think it would work (even with both sides trying, since I havent really been trying) The reason it seems all about me is that whenever you are wanting me, I frankly do not want to hang out with you... I say no because there have always been other things that I am going to be doing. But when I do want to hang out with you and ask you, you have always said yes. This makes it look like it is all about me. If you would have ever said no, I would have understood. I am sorry for the other night and I hope that we can still be on friendly terms with each other. And I hope all this makes sense...
9:54am 06.21.05
Mallory:
I really appreciate that you finally told me the truth about how you feel...I just wish you would have told me a long time ago. I'm not hurt by anything that you said, because I knew it was true--I just didn't want to believe it sometimes, because for some reason I was hung up on you. And I probably would not have agreed to see you last week either, but I had just broken up with my boyfriend and I was feeling very lonely and then I got that message from you and it provided a nice little distraction. I'm not mad at you--if anything, I was more mad at myself. But I just had to let you know how I felt and wanted to get some explanation from you. And I finally got it.

I admit, it definitely stung a little to read the part about "not wanting to be in a relationship with you"--but that's only natural. Who wouldn't feel somewhat hurt reading that from someone you once really liked? But I'm honestly okay. It was a relief in a way. Now I finally have my closure. There's no more going back to Adam. No more pining for him, no more wasting my time on him. He did prove my point about it all being about him, but there's no use in fighting it. There's no point. He doesn't want to be with me, so why occupy my time with someone like this? I feel so much more mature. More mature than I ever have in my life, for some reason. Maybe it's all this drama I've gone through with relationships recently. I've felt like I've been the better person--the brave one. Anyways, time for dinner. More later.

And nothing I could do could keep me from you that night

So apparently I'm the AJ's girl. And that's it. At least according to Adam's cousin--that's what he told him in an email after he met me (his cousin was in London last semester). I feel so special. Figures that's all I mean to him with the way he's treated me. Anyways, I know this because on Saturday night I hung out with his cousin--I went with Meredith and Kathryn came later--he leads a church group of theirs and he invited them to hang out at Cafe Cabernet with some other people too. He ended up giving me a ride home because I stayed later (I wasn't ready to leave--and didn't want to). And I think I'm in love--not really, but maybe have sort of a crush on this guy Joe. He's soooo cute and nice--and best friends with none other than Chase! So I have a connection with people in this group from 2 boys that I dated...so coincidental. Yeah, it definitely was a little awkward being around Adam's cousin, but he's a lot different from him. He even tried apoligizing somewhat for Adam--saying to try not to take it personal, because apparently, this is not unusual behavior for Adam. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way. Many times. Way too many times. More than I should have ever put up with. But on the upside, Joe is so cute!!! I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend...He recognized me and knew who I was--that I had dated Chase. It's funny because at one point he was like, want me to call Chase? And I was like, why? I haven't seen or talked to him except randomly last summer at orientation...he didn't seem to want me to leave either, when Meredith and Kathryn did. He was like, "you're not going to leave too are you?" (or something to that effect). He has this smile that just makes you melt. I couldn't tell, but it seemed like we were flirting a little? Maybe, but it could have just been the alcohol...but anyways, that made for a good night. And maybe a hope for the future...but if not, it's cool. I've been in bed all day either watching movies or sleeping. I came down with something last night. I feel better now, but still not 100%. I know Adam got my facebook message--and obviously, everything I said to him was true, because I haven't heard from him. I know I won't, either. But it's ok. It took me a while--and a huge mistake--to finally realize how so not worth it he is. And if by some chance some things I said were in fact not true, he's just too chicken to tell me so--and I even bet him that he didn't have the guts to tell me how he really felt, even if it was everything I was telling him. Whatever. No more wasting time on him. Yet, I still can't get that night out of my head, and what's crazy is that it sorta makes me smile...

There's no more of me runnin' back to you

IF I called him again, this is what I'd say to him, well, actually to his voicemail because I know he wouldn't pick up.

Surprise, surprise. You didn't answer your phone once again. You never do when I call you. I don't know why the hell I bother. So, I know you have no intention of seeing me again while you're in town. There's no need for any more excuses. You can't possibly hurt me anymore than you already have. I'm pretty sure I made the biggest mistake of my life so far with you the other night. You just used me. Well, you got what you came for. You could care less about me, because if you did, you'd make an effort to see me again. It's all about what YOU want. I can't believe I keep going back to you and letting you treat me this way. I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to you. And you know it. It's just sad you don't have the guts to tell me the truth. You never have. And you never will. Well, don't think that you can just talk to me whenever YOU feel like it again, because it WON'T HAPPEN. I'm not taking it anymore. I've had enough of this shit you've pulled and am finally letting you go. YOU'RE NOT WORTH IT. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU. I really don't care if I hear from you ever again. I honestly don't expect to (and this was before I said any of this to you). I knew this would happen. And it's completely my fault that I let it happen. If any of this is not true, then maybe I'll get a call back from you, because I assume you'd like to set the record straight (if you have the balls to do so--I suspect with your record, you don't--maybe you'd like to prove me wrong). But if not, then I'll know what I've known all along--that all this really IS true. Goodbye.

And I can't ever let you go, you're apart of me now

Well, what a surprise...he actually called me tonight. Did not think that would ever happen. I'm not gonna see him because he's hanging out with his stupid friends. Who he freaking lives with. And has already visited with this summer. And has spent all day with. He can't take a couple of hours out to spend time with me. I asked him about tomorrow night, and he might be going camping. Please, no. Said he'd call me if he wasn't doing anything. Sure. In my dreams, literally. But he called at least. Was I really happy that he did? Actually, no. But maybe it's a sign. Took him forever to do it, but he pulled through afterall...we'll see if this keeps up. I'm not getting my hopes up though.

I wrote this on my other site...but I don't want him to possibly see it

Sometimes it takes one idiotic action to make you realize how stupid you've been. Why do we let them run our lives? Why do we go running back to them whenever THEY WANT US? Why do we waste so much time on guys who only care about one thing: THEMSELVES??? What about what I WANT? What I NEED? Relationships involve two people--so why do we always let one of them call all of the shots? Maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe I was meant to go through so much heartache in order to clear the way for a real, lasting love. I don't think I could ever truly realize how dumb I was being unless this happened. I probably would have never learned. I should've known. I did know. I knew exactly what would happen, yet, I still went with it anyways. There's no one to blame except myself. And that's ok, because I've been warned many, many times. I always said I wouldn't, that I'd be strong, that I'd never take it. Mistakes happen. And you learn from them. Hopefully, I will learn from this one and won't make the same mistake again--with him or anyone else. Because he is never going to change, no matter how much I think he might. It's probably just not meant to be. And if it is, he will change, he will prove to me otherwise. But until then, I need to move on. No matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much I want to believe of what things could be.

Then it all remains the same that you ain't ever gonna change

I was never expecting it to hurt so much. I wasn't going to let it. But as the day wore on, and the more I came to the realization that he really wasn't going to call and that nothing had changed, it started to chip away pieces of my heart. I knew this was going to happen. I KNEW IT. But I didn't really want to believe it. I tried to tell myself that you're not going to be hurt because you expected to not hear from him. It didn't work afterall. Now I just feel alone and sad and hurt. I don't have anybody to be with. I want to go out, but there's no one to go out with. It's probably better that I don't go out and drink my sorrows away, because it will only make things worse. I'll start bawling and I'll end up calling him drunk--which would be another huge mistake. It's driving me crazy that he hasn't called. And it's taking all my strength and willpower to not call him. Because I did earlier this afternoon--I left him a message (surprise, suprise). Somehow I knew he wouldn't answer...it's a pattern with him. So he knows I called. No use in calling him again and getting his voicemail a second time. Because I know that's exactly what will happen. He's avoiding me. Apparently, last night was absolutely nothing to him. While it was in no way perfect or went as planned, it still was something special to me. It was with him, for one thing. Which is a double curse. Because of how I feel about him--how much I like and care for him, it could be the most amazing experience, or I can get incredibly hurt. The latter, of course, is what ultimately prevailed. Why did I ever think things might be different this time with him? It's because I tend to see the good in people--their potential. And maybe it's because I don't want to believe that they're treating me in this horrible way. I want to believe that they really do like and care about me--that if I just stay around, they will realize how great we are together. But that's not right. Why am I waiting around for someone to realize this about me when there is someone out there who alreadys KNOWS how wonderful and amazing I am and would be incredibly lucky to have me? I'm settling. For someone who I mean absolutely nothing but a one night stand to. I believed him when he told me he missed me. When he told me he still liked me. Why do I fall for it? Why? I don't need any guy to tell me this stuff in order to be happy. But it makes me feel good. Who wouldn't feel good when they heard that? Why do girls do this kind of thing to themselves? I know I'm not the only one, not at all. You never hear of guys keep going back to some girl (or least it's much more rare--at least it is to me). I just can't believe what a fool I've been. How completely stupid I am. All for what? A dumb guy.

And though my heart can't take no more I keep on running back to you

I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!! WHY DID I DO THIS??? I knew it would be this way. I had no doubts. But I wanted to believe he had changed. That things would be different this time. I feel so used. What does a guy want at 2:30 in the morning? Hmmm....I wonder...but he had just gotten into town that night and wanted to see me and he called me like he promised and I really wanted to see him. I have no one to blame but MYSELF. There is no one I blame but myself. I saw this exact situation happening in my head. Yet, I went running back to him. AGAIN. Like a complete fool. He got what he came for, and apparently, that's that. Because he's done nothing so far to make me think otherwise. It was one of those things where I'd never learn my lesson until I did something stupid like this. So I could finally realize what a jerk he is. Maybe now I will truly be able to get over him. If I don't hear from him again while he's in town this weekend--NO MORE. EVER. I'M DONE. I'M THROUGH. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. My stupidity baffles me. To think that I would do something as dumb and idiotic as this for a guy. FOR A GUY. Who could care less about me--except when he wants something. It's always on his terms. WHAT HE WANTS. Well, WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT????? Why doesn't that matter? Hello, it works both ways! And it's all my fault because I fall for it--I go back to him like a love-sick puppy EVERYTIME. It's so sad. There's something about him that keeps pulling me back to him. It's like he's got some spell cast over me, and I can't seem to break free. Well, I'm not falling for it anymore. He either wants to be with me in a relationship, or he doesn't. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION THIS TIME. Maybe finally I can stop wasting my time on him. And I still wonder if this all came about because I broke up with Chris. Did he see that? Did he see his chance now? Did he need to complete some conquest or something? Well, mission accomplished. Unfortunately. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me. I knew what I was getting into. I knew it. And it's all my fault for being put back into this situation. Sometimes, you've just gotta learn from your mistakes. And believe me, this is one lesson well received. I really hope I can believe my own words.

I wish that I could believe that there’s a day you’ll come back to me

Guess who I heard from today!...Someone I never expected to hear from again, but always hoped I would: ADAM!!! When I checked facebook this morning after I got up, I saw that I had a message, and to my complete surprise it was from him! I was so shocked! I couldn't even believe it!

Hey
I just wanted to see how you are doing... Summer comes and its like I never went to FSU. I haven't forgotten you, if you want to talk to me still. I should be back in town this weekend and I will give you a call if I am. I promise. (Hopefully you want me to call..) Hope to talk to you later... Adam

He misses me...he misses me! He wants to see me...Haha...how does it feel to be on the other side now? But of course, I'm completely ecstatic! I did nothing at all to provoke this (except to remove the "in a relationship" status with Chris, but I did that on Friday). I guess he noticed it. Because I know he's checked out my page before then and had to have seen that plus the comments on my wall. That reminds me that I need to clear those comments off. Still haven't heard from the lying, cheating jerk who was once my boyfriend. I haven't been sad at all about Chris today...I was definitely down yesterday though, because he said he'd call me on Sunday and really wanted to see me. It was just another one of his lies. I should have known. But I guess it's better that way, so I'm not tempted to go back. Because I shouldn't. And I won't. And apparently, Adam still likes me! Yay!!! Because I never stopped liking him. I've gotta go check and see if I can find my cat outside...hopefully she's not getting into a fight with this other cat that's been hanging around trying to eat her food. I'm back. Didn't find her. I really hope she's ok. I did see a bunch of lightning bugs though. That was cool to see. Reminds me of my childhood.

I still need you, I still care about you

He lied to me. Once again. He said he wanted to see me today. He said he'd call. But he didn't. He hasn't. And he won't. And I am disappointed, because he doesn't like me as much as he said he did by not calling. It just further proves I can't trust his word anymore. It hurts to know that he's not trying to get me back. Because if he really, really wanted me that much, he'd be doing everything he possibly could do. He was supposed to see me today. He made me believe he really wanted to see me. I guess he changed his mind. If he ever even really meant it.

I still feel for you like I'm right beside you

I was weak last night. Very weak. I was drunk and upset, and I called him. And he answered, acting like nothing had happened. Said he was going to call me today and that he really wanted to see me today. Yeah, right. Never got a phone call. Not that I should be hoping that he'd call, but I was. Stupid, I know. But I miss him. This morning, however, I realized I probably should not have done that. I called him back and left him a message, too. Saying how much I missed him even though he really hurt me. And how I really wanted to see him, too. Told him not to sleep with some other girl. That's probably what happened, which is why he hasn't, or won't call. Whatever. I don't need this guy. Not someone who cheats on his girlfriend who he supposedly cared about so incredibly much. TWICE!!!!!!! It's better that he hasn't called. Then I won't be able to crumble and go back to him. Because it'll be my fault if I do and he hurts me again in the same way. It's not worth it. Yeah, it's not...I went out with Martin last night to Yianni's. It was fun, until the end--the time when everyone's really drunk and is dancing and people start making out all over the place. I was just looking all around me, and I couldn't take it. I had to leave--I left crying. I felt so lonely and so sad. I missed Chris so much. I miss him now. I don't have anyone to kiss. No one to hug. No one to look forward to seeing and hearing from everyday. No one who wants to see and hear from ME everyday. And that's what I like most--the security of felt. I didn't think I had to worry about him cheating on me, because I trusted him. He gave me no reason to think otherwise, because he was so great to me. Always telling me how much he liked me, how much he care, how beautiful I was. I've never had that before. And it was really wonderful to have someone feel that way about you. I didn't think it'd come to this so soon. I thought it'd last--because I knew he wanted it to. He was always telling me so. I was in bed most of the day today just being lazy. I was tired and had a headache, and had nothing else to do, so I figured, why not? I wasn't depressed though. Just felt like taking a day to rest and relax. And mostly avoiding the void of time that I'd be spending awake waiting for him to call me. At least by sleeping, the time passes fast. But that call never came. And never will. Should I be happy about that? Because actually, I'm not.

I thought I was ok. Well, really, I didn't know how I was. But apparently, I'm really not. It's starting to get to me. I just keep wondering why? How could he do this to me? Why now? When things were going so well? What made him do it? I thought he cared about me. I mean, really cared about me. It was all lies. Lies, lies, lies. The one girl he really cares about, he goes and cheats on her. More than once. In the same week. He hasn't called. Said he would. He probably hooked up with some other girl last night, too. But I don't want him to call. But really, I do. It's going to be so hard to trust another guy now. I'm probably going to always be worried that he might cheat on me. Because Chris did. My confidence in guys has once again gone down the drain.

There's a pretty young thing in front of you, and she's real pretty and she's real into you

I have no luck with guys at all. They seem to be good guys at first, but then they go and break your heart. I just feel numb right now. Like I really don't know what to feel. It feels like something is missing, like I lost something. I did. I lost a (what I thought was a) great guy. Who was supposedly absolutely crazy about me. I thought I found someone good this time. Well, I guess I was wrong. Maybe it's like Anne said--that I'm experiencing all the heartbreak now, so that I will find someone who will last very soon. Surprisingly, I'm not depressed like I could be--like I have been about a guy before (Adam). Maybe that means my feelings for him weren't as real as I thought they were. Because, honestly, I never did have the feeling about Chris like I did about Adam (and still actually do). With Adam, it was butterflies in my stomach, can't stop thinking about him, want to be with him every single minute of the day. It was different with Chris. There was a comfort level that I've never ever experienced with a guy before. I felt so relaxed around him--like I really could be me without the fear of making a fool of myself. I didn't feel like that with Adam. I was always too nervous and never felt like I said or did the right thing. Obviously, there was something about Chris--I gave him something that I will never be able to take back. The one thing that I had felt so strongly about--the thing I was so adamantly waiting to do until I was in love. I don't regret it. Because I've had fun with him. But maybe it just happened too soon. Maybe things just moved way too fast. And I thought they were--at first. But then, the more time I spent with him, the more I grew to like him. And things somewhat slowed down. Yeah, we were spending a lot of time together, but what's wrong with that? We wanted to be around each other. And I didn't want it to end. I was so happy. And comfortable. And secure. I'd actually found someone who really, really liked me. And told me constantly. How he never wanted to do me wrong. Well, he fell through on his promise. Why? I'll never know. It's a question that can't be answered--and one only he can answer, if he even knows. My mom was surprised today when I told her I broke up with him last night. She's the only one who said I should just hear him out and give him another chance. Everyone else (including part of me) said to get rid of him. But she said since it was so early in the relationship, we should try and work things out. I tried explaining to her that how would I be able to trust him when he's done this twice already in such a short amount of time? I don't deserve a guy who treats me this way. And I've always said to myself that if a guy ever cheated on me, that was it. No more. But I emailed him this morning. I told him how much he hurt me. I said I was still willing to talk to him and see him, but we wouldn't be together. I told him that I didn't know if I could ever get back together with him because I don't trust him at this point. And if he really cares about me as much as he says he does, he will have to prove to me that I can trust him to never to it again if he really wants to pursue a relationship with me. I don't know if this was/is a good thing or not. I thought I'd go with my mom's advise, since I trust her judgment. I don't expect anything, and I'm not actually sure if I want to have anything to do with him again. So we'll see if he calls. But I won't be hurt if he doesn't. I think I'd be more relieved than anything. Here's an email my mom sent to me a little while ago:

Hi, Sweetie. Hmmm-that could be a name for kitty! Anyway, some thoughts from me--I want you to have someone that cherishes the ground you walk on-that surprises you when you least expect it-with a call or gift or just with kind words-someone that makes you makes you all warm and fuzzy inside-someone you can say anything you want to and tell secrets to-someone you want to spend time with no matter what you're doing-like grocery shopping, laundry or exercising-someone that makes you feel happy to be alive........that someone is out there---just feel with your heart and don't sell yourself short or settle for less.

I love you,

MOM

I watch the walls around me crumble

It's over. I found out yesterday that he cheated on me. TWICE. In one week. The first happened while I was out of town in Orlando for the concert. His roommates got a keg, and he says he got really wasted and did who knows what with some girl. He called me the next day as if nothing had happened. Now I know why he didn't want to see me that night, even though I knew he had to get up early and I understood that. But apparently, it was because he couldn't face me. The second time was on Thursday, when we were supposed to be together and he said he was going to bed instead of going out with me. Roommates got another keg. So we made plans for Friday night ("it'll be that much better because we haven't seen each other"). I called him that morning while he was at work to tell him I wasn't mad at him for the night before, but just disappointed because I had been looking forward to seeing him all day. He never called me back after work, so I called him. He tells me that he might be going to Gainesville after work. I get really disappointed, because once again, I was being let down. And he could tell by the sound of my voice. I called him back a few minutes later and left him a message telling him how I was feeling. I told him that the reason why I sounded so sad was that I felt this was how it began...the first couple of weeks are really great, and then the guy starts to distance himself and doesn't want to see you (this is exactly what happened with Adam). I said that I was worried that this is what was beginning to happen with us, and wanted to know what was going on. He called me back and said he was never going to Gainesville. He lied to me because he had cheated on me, and didn't want to tell me. Or hadn't worked up the nerve to tell me yet. I was speechless; to begin with, I was already upset, and this just sent me over the edge. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't find out about the second time until the end of the conversation, when he asked if I wanted to know what he had done. I said no, and then he said that all I needed to know was that he cheated on me twice. TWICE??? WTF? When the hell did that happen? Well, it was on Thursday night, when he was supposedly sleeping...yeah, with some other girl. I don't know what hurt more--the fact that he cheated on me, or the part where he'd been making up complete lies. I could have dealt with him cheating once--I may have been able to forgive him. But then to find out he did it AGAIN...He came over last night after work so I could have a talk with him face to face. He didn't have much to say, and really couldn't explain himself. I let him have it. I wasn't nice or very understanding to him at all. He didn't deserve that from me, not after what he did. I broke up with him.

Cause I never, never, never, never, never, never...met you

Stupid boys. Never can trust them. Chris just bailed on me for tonight, and I'm really upset right now. Not just because we're not going out, but because he doesn't want to see me. He's too tired and is going to bed. He better fucking be going to sleep right now, or he's gonna get it. I'm going to tell him exactly how it made me feel, because he should have been more considerate. We made plans last night. He was like, we're definitely going to see each other tonight. But no...here come the broken promises. I'm scared that this is the beginning of the end...this is how it starts out. You start to not see each other for a few days, and it keeps continuing...I really hope that's not the case. He said there's definitely going to be tomorrow, and that it will be even better because we haven't seen each other all week. But fuck that. I've been looking forward to seeing him ALL DAY LONG. ALL DAY. I've done absolutely nothing but wait around for him. Just so I could finally see him. And he wanted to earlier. And he was excited, too. He should have told me earlier that he didn't want to go out--BEFORE I got all dressed up and ready to go out. I looked SO PRETTY tonight. I bought a new top yesterday that I just love, and I looked to damn amazing. Would I still be crying had I not gotten all made up before he told me? Maybe, maybe not. But at least I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up and been waiting around to go out with him tonight. And tomorrow will be another long, long day filled with nothing. And I'll have to wait until freaking 11pm to see him. He just really hurt me tonight. I was so excited. I planned to just give him a big kiss and hug when I saw him. But that won't happen. It'll have to wait until tomorrow. And I'll have to wait for what will seem like forever. I hate when people do this to me. Disappointment is one of the things that really gets me down. Especially when they've given you their word and have made plans to do something with you. So, feeling desperate and alone, I called Matt. And feel like a complete idiot. First of all, he didn't even know it was me calling. He thought it was another Mallory (probably Mallory Tucker). I was just calling to see what he was up to tonight, which is nothing, but he's going out of town tomorrow, so he's not doing anything. If only I was on his side of town right now, because he asked me if I was on FSU's side of town. But oh well. I'm not sure if I really want to be around anyone right now. I just feel really disappointed and sad that I'm not going to get to see Chris. I told him to take a short nap, and he said he'd try, but before he said bye, he said he'd talk to me tomorrow...so I don't think that will happen. But then again, just in case, I don't want to take off my makeup or anything in the instance that he decides to change his mind. Because I'd be pissed then...but I'm pissed either way, because now with the possibility of still maybe going out, I'm going to be staying up waiting for him to call me. I'm an idiot. Here I am...again...waiting for a dumb boy. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this anymore. But I can't help it. He's my boyfriend...and apparently, my feeling for him are stronger than I thought, or I wouldn't be feeling this way. I just feel extremely hurt that he didn't want to see me. And because it's all I've been planning on doing today. And because it was even better that he didn't have to work. But no, he doesn't want to spend time with me. He didn't even ask me to come over and stay with him. Even if he was going straight to bed. Maybe I could've gone to sleep now, too, But no, he didn't give me that option. He didn't want that option. A roach flew on me a few minutes ago when I opened my back door to see if the cat wanted in. I screamed and ran away. Second time I've had a roach on me. Disgusting. There's nothing more that I hate than roaches. I sprayed it with roach killer, but it ran under the stove. Hopefully it is dying now, because I sprayed a ton on it, as well as up under the stove. And the stuff is supposed to kill it instantly. Anyways, I was thinking about writing Chris a facebook message telling him how he made me feel tonight, but I decided against it. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, and I don't want him to be mad at me and make the situation worse, or make something out of nothing, which I tend to do. I read too much into things. I'm always over-analyzing the actions and words of others, especially guys. I think it's something all girls do. It's incredibly hard not to. We want to understand why something or someone did/said what they did, and to do that, we think of possible reasons....and usually settle on the worst possible ones, fearing the worst. When there's absolutely no need to do so. Maybe it's all about creating drama in our lives. Because sometimes that's definitely what it seems to be about. And I can be a bit of a drama queen at times. Not always on purpose, but sometimes. Not tonight, though. He just plain ol' got my hopes up and squashed them like a bug. And I feel helpless, like everything's at his mercy...when he wants to, not what I want. But I know that's not entirely true, but sometimes it seems like it. Can you tell that I was upset by what I wrote at the beginning? I was using a few profanities...but I'm not going to change it, because that's how strongly I felt, and I felt it was necessary to use them in order to convey my true feelings. Waiting, waiting, waiting...that's what I'm doing. Will he call me? Most likely he won't. But is it a possibility? Yes, it is. But is it probable? I doubt it. I called Amanda at his asking earlier. He was like, why don't you call some of your friends and see what they're doing (not so that I could go out with them alone, but so that we could do something together). But she didn't know if she was going to go out, and if she was she was just going to be going to the Palace. She said she'd call me later. It's later, and she still hasn't called. Not that it matters anymore, because I'm in no mood to go out and drink. It has no appeal right now. Unless Chris wants to, that's a different story. But I just don't feel like I'd enjoy myself without him right now. Not that I'm saying I have to go out with him to have fun...not at all. It's just that my evening revolved around him tonight, and now that he's abandoned me, I just don't want to do anything else. But I'm bored to death. I have nothing to do. That's why I just keep writing, and writing, and writing. Not that I don't have anything to say. I have no idea what I'm gonna do tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Looking forward to seeing Chris, but not the very, very long wait to do so. What a disappointment tonight turned out to be. And I was having a decent day, too. And the disappointment came from someone who I thought would be the last one to do so...Chris.

And I wept much...we all do

I woke up around 4am to a screaming cat outside. I got up to check on my kitty cat...turns out another cat on the street has been coming and eating her food that I leave for her outside. She was just protecting her territory, which I thought was cute. She got stuck in a tree last night (not sure if I already mentioned that). I brought her back inside after letting her out at 2am. Needless to say, I will probably not be keeping her in at night. Not that it matters, because I will be at Chris's practically every night once again starting tonight. Yay! I'm so happy he doesn't have to work tonight! We're gonna go out...and since he won't be working, that'll give us more time together and I won't have to wait to see him until 11pm. It makes for some very, very long days. Not sure what I'm gonna do today. Probably a bunch of nothing again. I want redecorate my brother's room. He needs to get rid of all the toys and old little kid stuff. He'll be 18 in a couple of months, and it's time to have his room grow up a bit. I also want to go through the zillions of boxes in the garage and attic if possible and get rid of all the junk. Too much clutter. Not good, not good at all.

I'm only a woman of flesh and bone

Life is good. Life is really good. It's late and I won't be seeing Chris again tonight, but everything's good. I've got a great boyfriend who is absolutely crazy about me, I have a new kitty, and I saw my friend Anne today, and overall, I'm just very happy right now. However, I do miss Chris. It will be the 3rd night in a row that we haven't seen each other...he has to sleep over at his parents' house so he will get up early tomorrow morning. He wanted me to stay with him over there, but I thought that was just a little too weird...anyways, I have a cat who wants some attention, so I'm gonna go. More tomorrow.

I tried to be perfect, but it just wasn't worth it

I just found this really cool blog called PostSecret (http://postsecret.blogspot.com). Go check it out. It's really artistic and creative and just plain cool! Anyways, looks like I have a new cat. It hasn't left our yard since I found it and just hangs around and sleeps. She's so cute! I haven't named her yet. Not very good with names...Had a very good night last night (other than the not being able to sleep for like 4 hours because Chris's roommates were having a little party). But other than that...I'll be going to Orlando tomorrow for the night with my sister. She has tickets to this concert. At least I'll get to see Anne finally. We're going to stay with her. I'm gonna try calling Ania later, but who knows if I'll be able to reach her. Hopefully I will. Ok, I really don't have much else to say.

I found a kitty cat today! It is so cute! And so sweet! I found it wandering in my backyard and decided to go see it. It started crying like crazy and wouldn't come up to me at first, but then it did, and kept following me! It didn't have a collar and looks like it's been malnurished. I keep calling it an "it" because I'm not sure what the sex is--I think it might be a female, though. I spent all afternoon with it. I fed it some turkey first, and it just gobbled it up. Poor thing was absolutely starving! I didn't have any cat food, but I did have some of my dog's dog food here, so I fed it that...and it ate that like crazy too. I bought some real catfood tonight. It's been sleeping on my deck and doesn't appear to be leaving anytime soon. In fact, it's still out there. I want to bring it inside, but I'm not sure if I should. It might have a home, but it might not. I'm taking the fact that it hasn't left yet that it doesn't have a home. I think it's pretty young, although it is full-grown. So sweet and very talkative. My mom and sister are already joking with me and asking me what it's name is. If it's still around in the morning, we'll see....I saw a lightning bug for the first time in ages this evening when I was outside petting the cat! I got so excited because I haven't seen one in forever! I used to always try and catch them when I was younger. Everything is going good with Chris...not planning on breaking up with him anytime soon. Thursday when we went out, I don't know what it was, but he looked so incredibly hot! Something different that night...and I was sure glad I decided not to end things (because something sort of happened--I had a revelation, or so I thought--the previous night and was really thinking about things, but I felt differently in the morning). He's probably going to come to dinner with me tomorrow night at my parents' house and meet the family...big step, well, not really, since I'm so close to my family. I know my mom is dying to meet him! And he really wants to meet her because I've told him a lot about her (don't ask). Anyways, gotta go check on the kitty :)

We belong together

I'm so excited! Guess what is on ABCfamily tonight?! Flight of the Navigator! It's so funny because I've been wanting to see it since I haven't seen it in forever! And what's ironic is that I just mentioned this to Chris the other day...he was downloading Beach Boys songs and he started playing "I get around" which I remember most from this scene in the movie. I said how this song reminded me of Flight of the Navigator and he was like, "Yeah!" So funny...And now it's starting...more later.

Confetti falling down all night...

M - Success comes easily to you.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
L - Love is something you deeply believe in.
O - You are very open-minded.
R - You are a social butterfly.
Y - You cause a lot of trouble.

All the way up until the letter R describes me...I have been having the WEIRDEST and most CREEPYIST dreams I've had in a long, long time. And some of them have the most random people in them. I don't know...they're just freaking me out some. I could not fall asleep last night. I was over at Chris's, and since he's a "night owl" (as he calls himself), he was up late playing music and watching tv and being on facebook (that boy is OBSESSED!!! I can't get him off the darn thing!). And despite being incredibly tired, I could not go to sleep. Eventually I did, but like 3 hours later than I wanted to. I didn't want to sleep half the day again, but I did...that's the story of my life...sleeping. I do way too much of it these days. And I'm bored as anything at the moment. Have no idea what to do. I need to work out in a little while, but I'm gonna have to eat lunch first, since I'm getting hungry. I really need to start drinking less. It's beginning to worry me. I didn't last night, but on Sunday I said I wasn't going to, but then we ended up going out, and I just can't seem to enjoy myself without having a buzz (at least) with everyone else drunk and all the nasty smoke and everything...but I'll be going out again tonight. I'm gonna try to just have a max of 3 drinks. That actually usually does get me feeling pretty good most of the time...I just have more because it's something to do--you have it in your hand....Well, I may have a boyfriend who will be going to jail soon...hopefully that will NOT happen. He missed one of his work days today, and I was under the impression that if he missed one more, he'd be going to jail for 30 days. What happened was that he got into a fight one night while being incredibly wasted (this was before I met him, for if I had known...). All I can say is he will no longer be my boyfriend if he ends up in jail--I don't care for how long it is. I can just see it: "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Yeah...he's in jail." Just what I want. Me dating a bad boy...who would've thought...except he isn't normally...but still, not the type that I would usually go for. My feelings are still mixed...I'm starting to wonder if I should stay with him or not. I like him, but not at all as much as he likes me. I don't like how he asks me if I can see myself with him in 2, 3, and so on months to years...WHOA--SLOW DOWN!!! I either stay silent or tell him I can't guarantee it, because I can't. I don't know if I'm in it for the right reasons...I think what I like most is having someone who wants to spend time with me. And I don't want to hurt him...but I don't want to lose him at the same time. I shouldn't stay with him just because I don't want to not have anyone again, because that's not fair--to him or to me. Maybe things will fall into place. I might just need to give it a little bit more time. But if it doesn't happen, it might be time to say goodbye.

Everyone has a secret, oh can they keep it...

My favorite quotes from Angus, Thongs, and Full-frontal Snogging!

"Jackie looked a bit puzzled (who wouldn't?) but she kept coming nearer and suddenly with a yell I grabbed her arm and twisted it right up her back. I don't know how. But I was doing it for the little people everywhere (I don't mean dwarfs--I just mean, you know, vulnerable people)."

"I love life!!! Jas has just phoned to say we've been invited to a party at Katie Steadman's and...Katie has asked Tom and Robbie. YESSSSS!!!! I must have done a good job of being nice to Katie. WHAT ON EARTH CAN I WEAR??? Emergency, emergency! It's only a couple weeks away."

"I am cock of the walk. (I don't know what the girl equivalent of "cock" is...surely it can't be "vagina." I am vagina of the walk doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow...)" ---> one of my absolute favs!!! I just died of laughter when I read it for the first time!

...more to come later!

Like love from a drunken sky

I admit it: I am actually listening to a country song. Yes, it's true. The girl who never listens to country ever. But I know I've heard this song somewhere before, and I liked it, and it didn't sound country at all. It's Tim McGraw's "She's my kind of rain." It's probably been out forever now, but I just recently discovered it, because like I said, I am not a country girl at all. But I like this song. It's really pretty. Ok, enough of that. Did nothing but sleep today. I know, how lame. I didn't exactly enjoy it--I felt guilty, like I should be doing something else--something productive. What that would be, who knows? But, I was kinda hungover and had a headache. I didn't come home from Chris's until 2pm. I ate and was awake for a little while, then around 4pm, I decided to take a little nap...which turned into 3 hours! Haven't done much since. I can't believe they're showing Titanic on NBC right now. I've got it on, but I'm not watching it anymore. I watched some of the middle parts--the most romantic scenes in my opinion. I haven't seen that movie in forever. I think the last time I watched it was when they played it on tv the last time, whenever that was. I want to do something outside tomorrow. I don't know if Chris is working. I hope he's not, so maybe we can do something. My mom was funny when she called me today. She asked me if he was working tomorrow, and I said I didn't know, because I don't. And then she whispers, "Are you still together?" I'm like, yeah...I asked her why she asked that and she said it was because I didn't know whether or not he was working tomorrow! Ok, first off, I don't have to know everything the boy is doing at every moment of the day. I just haven't asked him yet if he was working, and he hasn't mentioned it to me yet, either. It's not like he knows everything I'm doing, either. I mean, come on...it's only been 2 weeks now...She's starting to annoy me with all of her questions. She's always asking what I did--wanting to know specifics...and I get annoyed because I don't feel the need to tell her. She doesn't need to know everything. If there's something I want her to know, I'll tell her. It's as simple as that. I mean, I understand that she wants to know what's going on in my life, and I appreciate the interest, but asking me where, what, who, when, why everytime...it's irritating me! She even told me once that it's ok if I don't tell her some things, because she didn't tell her mother everything at my age, either. Okay...so why is she doing this now? It's like ever since I told her something that I absolutely did not even have to inform her of, she wants to everything I do with Chris. And right now, did I mention, it's bugging me?!! I suppose it will wear off soon...as soon as she realizes I don't want to tell her everything. And I better know what that guy I'm dating is doing, otherwise, you can worry that it might be over...hahaha...

Listen to your heart when he's calling to you

I can't believe how incredibly unproductive I've been since school's been out. I do pretty much nothing all day. A lot of sleeping...but that's from staying up late at night! And waiting...to go out at night! I'm in the process of getting ready to go out, while watching The Patriot on tv and listening to music on and off. I'll be going over to Chris's once again...he and his roommates are getting a keg. But I won't be over there until late because he's working right now. I wish he didn't have to work at night. I can deal with during the day, but I hate having to wait so late for him to be off of work. But oh, well...I'm dealing with it. I realized that I actually missed him the other day when we hadn't seen each other for one night...it's how I'm supposed--more like want-- to be feeling. And on Thursday night, everything just felt so right. We didn't go out or anything, but just stayed in instead. I feel so comfortable around him. We just watched some tv and acted silly and laughed a lot. That's what I love...it was so perfect. The next morning, as I was waking up and laying in bed, I realized that I really like him. Which is definitely a good thing. I'm still not used to him calling me his girlfriend whenever he introduces me to his friends...it's just strange to hear those words because I've never heard them before. But it feels really nice to hear them. I just can't believe how crazy this boy is about me. It was just so out of the blue. We only met in person 2 weeks ago today! It seems like it's been so much longer though...but I guess that's because we've been spending a lot of time together. Last night we went out. I wasn't having much fun for a while because I wasn't drinking, and I wanted to drink. It took a while for me to be able to actually get myself a drink...the good thing was was that I didn't have to pay for it! I really didn't drink much at all last night. I only had 3 beers...I think that's the least amount of alcohol I've had since I've started drinking! But tonight's gonna be a different story, especially since we won't have to worry about driving or anything. Oh, what's funny is that last night when we were on our way to another party was that Chris asked me if I had a crush on Matt...he was really wasted at the time, but he asked because when he was using my facebook account, he noticed a lot of messages from Matt. He asked me about it before, but I denied it. I finally admitted that I did like him, and that he was my plan for the summer. But then I met Chris, so he doesn't have anything to worry about, unless things go awry...I don't even know if he remembers asking me that...anyways, I'm off to find something to do in the mean time...I've been feeling really inspired and creative today, so I'm gonna go think of some projects I can start of, and finally be somewhat productive!

And I will be your safety

Lalalala...not much has been going on lately. I pretty much do nothing during the day. I know it's so exciting. But I'm getting really bored. I'm (well, my dad is) looking for job opportunities for me. I want to do something worthwhile--not just menial, tedious work. I want to do something with my time that will help me figure out what I want to do with my life, or at least provide some networking for me. But so far, nothing's come up. Today I went home and started going through some old stuff that my mom has saved of ours (mainly stuff we did in elementary school). It was fun looking through that stuff. It's another prject that I'm starting. I want to get to going through the attic and garage and getting rid of all the junk and stuff we don't need anymore. I'm getting really sick of all the clutter. It's time to let go. Yeah, try telling that to my mom...Anyways, things are going well with Chris. We went out on Tuesday night. I got a little wasted...what's new! I didn't see him at all yesterday. He worked all day. And I haven't seen him yet today because he was working again. But hopefully I'll get to see him tonight. I'm sure I will, because I know he's gotta miss me...the way that boy acts around me...And I actually want to see him, too! Which is good, considering how I've been feeling lately. I'm glad I actually miss him. I want to go out tonight--it's 80's night at Potbelly's, but Chris doesn't want to spend any money. It's $5 to get in...and he doesn't have to buy any drinks. It's just so much fun. We went last Thursday and had a blast. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to go because when he told me I sounded pretty sad. I guess I always sound not alright on the phone because he always asks me if everything's alright. Everything always is...I don't know, I guess that's just the way I sound on the phone. So we'll see. If not, it's not a big deal. But I definitely have to see him tonight. Lalalala...time to finish getting ready.

This is wonderful as loving goes...

I've been in the strangest mood all day. Very irritable. And just, well...hard to explain. It was just one of those days. And I felt bad because when I talked to Chris, he kept asking me what was wrong, and I was like, nothing (which was true...nothing was bothering me, it was just the way I was feeling) and he thought that it was him and that I didn't want to see him tonight. But I did. I didn't feel like I reassured him enough on the phone, so I sent him a myspace message and a cute ecard to tell him it had nothing to do with him. I didn't really even snap out of it until after I finished reading my book. Angus, Thongs, and Full-frontal Snogging is absolutely HILARIOUS!!! I have never laughed out loud so much from reading a book. It is so clever and witty and sarcastic...it's just great. I'm going to be quoting it for a long time. Anyways, so the humor from the book livened me up a bit. Went over to Chris's for a little bit. Still not at 100%, but eventually I came around after being with him. I swear, I can't get my feelings straight with him. One minute I really like him, then another, I'm not sure how much I like him. It's weird. But when I kissed him tonight...I felt something. And just hanging out with him...we laugh a lot and play around and make fun of each other. There's just this comfort level that I've never felt before with a guy. I took him out for dinner and a movie last night. We had a nice time. It was the first night that I didn't actually stay the night with him. And tonight will be the second. Last night I was so tired and started to get a really bad headache (too much action in Star Wars!), and tonight...I would've stayed, except for my weird mood and the fact that he has to get up way too freaking early tomorrow morning and I didn't want to be woken up, even though I wouldn't have to leave then. But as I told him, "absence makes the heart grow fonder..." haha...I was just being a dork. He didn't want me to leave. I didn't really want to leave, either, but I didn't bring my stuff tonight and felt it would just be better to go home. I sorta want to sleep in my own bed...I've missed it! Although, waking up next to Chris is also very nice...But we're gonna go out tomorrow night and I promised him I'd stay then...I definitely won't be returning home if I'm drunk! So, off to bed now...I will be woken at 6 am by my alarm clock so I can call my baby to make sure he wakes up...he's got something very important to do that he cannot miss, so I'm gonna help him out. I'm such a great girlfriend.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy...

I just got really freaked out a second ago...it seriously felt like someone had touched me, but there's no one around. I swear it felt so real, and it made me jump and scared the heck out of me. Maybe it's a ghost! Haha...Anyways, so much has happened within this past week. It's so crazy...I have a boyfriend now. Yeah, I can't believe it either. Things just went from 0 to 60 in no time flat. Things started off fast, and haven't slowed down, except for a little after I started questioning my feelings. I think it was because I was getting scared we were moving so fast. And I think the actual possibility of having a relationship was scaring me, too. It's what I've wanted for so long, yet, with it right in front of me, I wasn't sure about it. The possibility of the unknown...what could happen in the future. It got to me. But this boy is SO ABSOLUTLEY CRAZY about me! And he tells me ALL the time. He does everything right: he calls me!!! And that is huge in my book! Oh, yeah, and did I mention it's the guy that invited me to his party from myspace?!! I went with a couple of friends, met Chris in person, thought he was so cute, the party got busted by the cops, went to another party, called him to see what had happened, and ended up back at his place....and I've been with him every night since then. I'm still not totally sure about my feelings for him. I know I definitely like him. But, I need to take time to really see how much I feel for him. Again, things moved so fast, I got really confused. But I like him a lot. I'm just taking things day by day, because, as I told him, I can't guarantee the future at this point. It's too early, and I'm not totally sure how I feel. He's really afraid of getting hurt. Which is kind of ironic, since I am too, but it's he who is more worried about it than I am. But what I do know is that I'm having a lot of fun and it's so wonderful to have someone who cares about you and wants to spend time with you and to kiss you and hold you in their arms...it's what I've been waiting for. And apparently, it was long enough!!! hahaha (those who know will get it).

I said I've gotta be honest...I've been waiting for you all my life

AHHHH!!! I cannot fall asleep. I know it's early, but I was so tired, and wasn't doing anything else, so I decided to go to sleep (big night tomorrow, anyways--gonna be up all night!). But I can't seem to go to bed. My head is killing me as well. So I decided to get up and what else? Go on facebook! Yeah, I'm pathetic, I know...then I got a message from this guy on myspace...inviting me to a party he's throwing on Saturday. Told him I didn't know if I could make it because it's my friend's 21st birthday and we'll be going out again that night. He writes me back and says I should, if I'm gonna, and how would I get there...well, guess he's gotta give me some info first, and I'm not sure if I will go...I'd definitely go if I had a friend with me. He's really cute, too. Apparently went to Deerlake, too...don't remember him at all. I keep meaning to look in my yearbook when I'm at home, but I always forget. His name is Chris. We've been messaging back and forth every now and then for a couple of weeks now. Seems cool. I'd like to meet him sometime (out in a public place, of course, and not by myself!). Alrighty...I don't feel like writing anymore.

then I realize it's just what might have been

Went out last night with Amanda and some of her friends. It was fun just hanging out with an old friend and some new people. Definitely going to be going out with them a lot this summer. I had 4 shots of 100 proof vodka before we went out. Did not know it was so strong until after I took the 4th shot. Maybe I shouldn't have assumed it was just the regular old stuff I'm used to. Guess they like it strong! So I was in my own little world the whole night. I don't know how I survived. But that was all I had--it was all I needed! Called Allison at 3 am to have her come pick me up...she was NOT happy about that at all. But I've never called her before and I didn't want to stay at this girl's house overnight (a friend of my friend's). And she's always said that I could call her if I ever needed her. But it's ok today. She was just mad I woke her up in the middle of the night. I'd probably react the same way. I was so incredibly close to either calling or facebooking Adam last night. I got past the calling urge, but I wanted to send him a message on facebook so bad. I was about to do it, too, but I was able to restrain myself. How, I have no idea because I was really drunk. Not wasted, but not thinking and acting like normal! So I sent a stupid drunk email to Matt instead. He probably thinks I'm so dumb and annoying and is like, leave me alone! I just asked him when he was coming home and that I wanted to see him. Yeah...I sent him an apology message today, asking him to ignore the one I sent last night. Don't know if he's seen them yet. He probably thinks I'm a stalker or something. But something's different with him. I feel like I can tell him almost anything. Not that I have, but there's this comfort level that I feel with him that I didn't feel with Adam. Maybe it's because I've known him forever and we're friends. I don't know. OMG! I was going through some stuff earlier today and I found one of those horoscope booklets I'd saved from some issue of a magazine last fall (I still read the teen stuff...it's sad I know). The part about my love life was so erily true! It said that during the fall things would be slow, and nothing would really happen. But then in January,

you don't see me, you don't feel me like I feel you...

I was going through some stuff tonight that I had saved from various things (it's something that I do) and I came across some things. First it was the ticket stub from the movie we saw together on our first date. Then it was the note I wrote myself on the night I first met him. When I got home, I wrote his name down on a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget it. I was so excited that night. I couldn't fall asleep for over 2 hours. I couldn't believe that I had met such a cute guy who was interested in me! And he wanted to date me. Well, the honeymoon phase didn't last long. It never seems to. Reality sets in and suddenly he doesn't want to hang out with you anymore and he stops calling as often, then not at all. A heart is slowly being shattered with every rejection...and then it completely breaks. You're down for a while. Heartbreak is never easy. But gradually the pieces are filled in and replaced with the memories you shared and the promise of someone new. And when you feel like you're finally going to be okay, you've finally been able to make peace and move on, he shows up again. Every emotion you had for him floods back to the surface. Your heart is vulnerable once again. And you know you shouldn't. It's not right. He's just going to break your heart again. But you can't resist. You remember everything that made you fall for him in the first place, and want to give him another chance. Because maybe he's changed. Just maybe. The possibility of it...you just long for it. But here you are once again. Right back where you started. Everything that happened before...it's like deja-vu. You don't want to believe it. You want to make it work. But everytime, you can feel your heart being torn apart...again. Same guy. Same reasons. You should've known. You did know. But you chose to ignore it. Nothing had changed. He was still the same. And nothing was going to be different after all. He just didn't want it as much as you did. You finally realize there's no hope. No point in chasing after him anymore. It's only wasting precious time...time that should be spent on yourself and your life, not him. It hurts so much. Acknowledging that he doesn't want you like you want him. But it's not fair. Not to him, and especially not to yourself. Little by little, your hold on him begins to weaken--it's only for the best. It's a battle back and forth between your heart and your head--your head knows it's over and time to move on, but your heart wants to remain attached, glued to the possibilities of what just might happen. That's all it is, though: a possibility. No promise. No guarantee. Only wishful thinking. And you're way better than that. So much better than a guy who only makes you happy when he feels like it. It's finally time to move on. No matter how much you don't want to, no matter how much it hurts. It's not worth it anymore. He's so not worth it anymore. Day by day, you move a little further away. Eventually you will be completely free from his grasp. He won't ever be completely gone--he'll always be there in your memories and in your heart. And that's exactly where he belongs.

this is easy as lovers go

Another wasted day. I'm such a horrible daughter. I didn't get my mom anything. Not even a card. I feel so bad. But she said not to get her anything....and she knows I love her. My gift to her is being happy. Because when I'm happy, I know she's happy, too. We're like ET and Elliot as she's said before (and I think I've said so on here before, too). Allison's the good one. She's the only one that got her something. Whatever. I'll make it up. It's just one day, anyways. Slept in again...worked out...I'm so off--I haven't been having good workouts lately. And it sucks. Did pretty much nothing. Went home. We were going to take mom out to dinner, but she didn't feel like it. So we just got takeout from Applebee's. And I ended up falling asleep on the couch, anyways. Felt absolutely exhausted and devoid of energy again this afternoon. Still not feeling that great. Maybe I'll go to Orlando this week to visit Ania. I can't decide. It's so far away to go for such a short time. But what am I doing here? Other than wasting time, nothing. It's Amanda's birthday on Saturday, so I want to be in town for that. But maybe Tuesday through Thursday. We'll see how I'm feeling. If I'm not better, I won't go, because I don't want what happened last week to happen again. I was no fun when I didn't feel good :( I said I wasn't going to waste time online tonight, but that didn't work out as planned. Definitely filled out some stupid survey stuff. That's how bored I am. And no, he never called last night. Figures.

and I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Boys are nothing but a disappointment to me. All they do is let me down. How can I trust someone when they say they're going to do something but then don't follow through? It happens every single time. I have no reason to trust them in general. They say one thing, they do another. What they say is not what they mean. Why does this always happen to me? Why do I let myself believe anything they say? Because I know none of it is true. None of it is worth anything. I feel like such a fool. For everything. For every time I let them walk all over me. For every time I cried over one of them. And still cry over them. I'm losing hope. There's no reason to believe otherwise. They never come through when you need them to. I feel so alone. I ditched my friend to try and go to some stupid party. Thought I might have found someone to go with. Said he'd call me back later. Should've known that wouldn't happen. Because it never does. How many times has this happened now? Every single time. And what really makes me sad is that this is what my entire summer is going to be like. Sitting home. Doing nothing. I miss Ania. I wish she was here this summer. I feel so alone. I just want to go out. I've asked people...I've called random people I'm not even really friends with. But to no avail. It's going to be a very long summer if this is how it's going to be. Not optimistic about it at all. Do I really need to be feeling this way? No. But I'm choosing to be. It's my choice to feel sad and pathetic right now. It feels better than being happy. Because there's nothing to be happy about for the moment. I miss him so much. Why did he have to hurt me like this? Why do I have to feel this way about him? Why can't I just get over him. Let him vanish from my memory. But I don't want him to. I like the memories I have. But they make me sad sometimes. Sometimes they make me smile. I let myself fall too easily. And it's not easy to pick myself up again. Especially when it feels like your heart has been torn in a thousand pieces...when it never was really whole to begin with. On a good day I'm over him. Or at least I'm at peace with the situation. Today is a bad day. A day I've chosen to dwell in self-pity. Not all day. Just this evening since I've been let down once again. Just a simple phone call is all it takes. Even if he didn't want to go tonight...just a call to say so would be so much better than me sitting here left wondering...wondering if he still might call. Me attached to my phone. Something I swore I wouldn't do. But when you're expecting something, it's agonizing to wait for. Every second, every minute seems like an eternity. It never feels as if the moment will come. They worst is when you have nothing to do but wait. I try to occupy myself, but it doesn't always work. I end up just wasting time waiting. And waiting. And waiting. But sometimes it never comes and before you know it, you've spent an entire evening doing nothing but waiting around for a stupid phone call from a stupid boy who could care less about you. Even if he is just a friend. Some friend that leaves you waiting without any explanation. I could've hung out with her too, except for I said I was gonna try and go to this stupid party that I've let ruin my night. Why did he have to call and invite me? I was going to be perfectly content with watching a movie and staying in, hanging out with my friend who I haven't seen in so long. But no....I can't pass up an opportunity to go out and drink. Not anymore. Especially when it involves people I went to highschool with. I guess I want to show off a bit...show people how I'm not the same shy, quiet girl who always studies. Not that that was really me. But it was the me most people saw. And I hated it. Hated it so incredibly much. But now I think I am so pretty and have so much more confidence and want to show people that I'm not that same girl. I want to surprise them, to shock them. Not by doing anything crazy, but just by showing up. Because I have never felt this way about myself before. For the first time in my life I actually can look at myself and say I am absolutely beautiful and believe it. Because I know others do too. Yes, that is very shallow and superficial of me to think of only the way I look. I know it. It's sad. But unfortunately it's something that has always bothered me. The attention I get from guys...I've never gotten it before. The way they look at me...I know I completely blow their minds. I make them look twice. On the way back home tonight, this guy in the car in front of me stuck his head out the window to look back at me...at least twice. And I had my hair back in a bun, wet and sticky with gel in preparation for possibly going out tonight (how I curl my hair). I was like, what an idiot, and stop staring at me...Couldn't really tell if the guy was cute...but then I was like, wow...that guy stuck his head out his window just to have a look at me. When did that ever happen before? I'm no longer feeling that feeling of inferiority I used to feel. Well, at least not nearly as much. Every now and then it resurfaces. But I know that cute guy walking past me--I know that I might have a shot. And I keep my head up and don't look down at the ground like I'm no good and there's no way I'm pretty enough for him. I feel very narcissistic right now. I don't like talking about myself in this way. I feel weird. I feel like I shouldn't because it's very selfish and self-centered. And I feel like I might hurt peoples' feelings because I know if I hear people doing what I'm doing, I'd feel the same way. But I'm not doing it to brag, because that's just not how I am. It's a huge step for me to be able to feel this way about myself. Because even though people always tell you you're beautiful the way you are, blah blah blah...I never could believe it. Until now. And that's one self-revelation that makes me feel absolutely amazing. Even amidst the bad mood I'm in. Because actually, I forgot about it for a few minutes. And that was nice. And now back to the reality of it. It's 10:38pm. Let's face it. He's not gonna call. But I don't want to wash off my makeup or mess up my hair just yet. Because there's still that little voice in my head that's telling me to wait just a little bit longer, because he still might actually call...but then there's the other voice saying, there's no point. You know it'll never happen. But as soon as I do, he might call, and it would've been a waste to take everything off...but still...it's a waste either way. Because I'm not gonna hear from him and I'll just end up going to bed. What an evening. Another day gone to waste. But it's all my fault.

you've got looks, you've wits, you've got passion

Sooooo tired....yet, don't want to fall asleep. Why? Not sure...so I can waste more time on the Internet?! I needed a night in tonight. No way I was up for going out. The thought of alcohol is making me sick at the moment--well, all day actually. And not in the mood to go out. Still a little weirded out by last night. And besides, no one's in town this weekend, so there's no one out...which it's very boring when there's nothing to do or nowhere to go. Did absolutely NOTHING today, except for lying around in my bed watching my tv shows from the past 2 weeks that I've taped. Didn't even get out of my pajamas until late this afternoon when I decided to finally work out. But it's not like I had anything to do anyways. I feel sick again. Run down and I'm all congested. Not fun. I'm an idiot for writing him earlier this week. Why did I do it? I was desperate. I needed some sort of answer. Needed a sense of closure. An idea of what the hell is going on with us. None of which have been answered. No surprise there. But it was more for myself, just to let him know how I felt. Why do I always feel like I have to be honest with people about my feelings? Especially with him? With most people, I have no problem...but with him, I've gotta tell him everything. Maybe it's because I'm afraid if I don't, he won't know. And I think I want him to understand how I feel. So maybe things will change. But things won't change. Not with this guy. There's no way I could ever--at least not in the forseeable future--be just friends with him. Because I don't feel that way about him. I don't want to be friends.

I am fairly agile...I can bend and not break

I'm am so hungover right now. Had way too much to drink last night. Actually, it wasn't that much compared to what I've had other times...it was more than enough to put me over the edge this time though...seriously. Wow. I don't really remember much of what happened last night. All I remember is crying, no sobbing over missing Adam and why he doesn't like me. My mom got a drunk phone call from me at 4am. I thought I was going to be sick, so I fell asleep on my bathroom floor by the toilet. I couldn't move. I remember crawling all over the floor and calling out to my sister because I needed someone to take care of me. There was no one here this time. No Ania. I miss her. I wanted someone to take care of me. To comfort me. To tell me everything will be alright. That's what I wanted. And I was so upset about him. He's all I could think about. I miss him so much. It hurts so bad. A night of drunkeness just let loose of all my feelings hidden deep inside about him. The feelings I was trying to suppress...trying so hard to deny. I'm ok today. Sorta. Not like last night. But a little sad. Gilmore Girls. It's the story of my life:
"Maybe in the end this is not the guy or the relationship for you. Rory, 2 days ago you were on the bathroom floor crying about why he won't call you, why doesn't he like you, what did you do."
"I was drunk."
"You, my beautiful, brainy, fabulous daughter lying on the floor of the bathroom wondering what you did wrong! That is disturbing to me on many levels, including the fact that I can't remember the last time I cleaned the floor of the bathroom. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?"--Loreli to Rory on Gilmore Girls

girls just wanna have fun

Listening to 80s music...have been in the mood since 80s night at Potbelly's last Thursday. I think that was the best night out of the semester. So, tomorrow night...going out with Martin! Yeah, totally random, I know...but it'll be fun. Looking for people to go out with, and asked him what he was doing (talking to him on IM) and said he'd go with me. So we're going out (not a date or anything, just someone to hang out with). I'm excited, because it's someone new, and I had fun at prom in 11th grade with him. Whatever gets me out and not stuck at home! Went to the doctor's today...luckily I don't have strep throat or mono (so won't have to call Adam about that!!!). I'm just tired and don't have much energy. I was feeling better, but I think the medicine I took is really starting to hit me now...I'm feeling really tired all of a sudden. Hung out at home and ran errands all day. Nice not to have anything to do. I have a massive amount of cleaning to do. My bathroom, well it's pretty bad. And the rest of my place...it's just screaming to be cleaned. So that and a really great workout is what I've got planned for tomorrow. I haven't worked out in 6 days now. I feel so gross. But part of the time I was on vacation, and like today I was giving my body time to recover from being sick. Can't stop thinking about him...not in a bad way, but sorta. But I'm ok. I was tempted to leave him a message on his wall, in reference to Harry Connick Jr's character in Hope Floats, because I think he sorta looks like him, and the way he talks, definitely...it just reminded me of him. But I stopped myself from thinking that and realized it would be a bad idea. Just leave him alone...see if he writes back. Pour some sugar on me is the best song to listen to when you're out drinking!

I'll belong to you if you just let me through

Back from Orlando. And I'm sick :( Helped Ania take her stuff back home and hung out for a few days. I really wish I could've stayed longer, except I feel like crap. But I'll be going down soon enough. Maybe even next week. I saw Adam Friday. It was an amazing night. I'm not going to write about it on here. Let's just say we went further than we have before, but not too far. I'm so glad I got this last night with him. It felt so good to be in his arms again, to kiss him. I was really unsure if I shouldv'e seen him, but I feel good about it now. I'm glad I went. I'm glad Ania called him without me knowing it. I'm glad he actually invited me over himself when I talked to him. I'm happy he wanted to see me. Even if I don't see him again. Which I knew was a very big possibility before I went over there. I knew what might happen. And I knew the consequences. I was very confused and upset after he took me home, but as I talked to Ania about it and the day went on, I felt more comfortable with my decision. I'm actually not sad. Do I miss him? Yes. But I'm not sad. I care about him and like him so much, but I'm really ok. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions. But I don't blame myself. You know what made me so happy? To see my poster I made him up on his bedroom wall. It just made my day, knowing that every time he looks at it, he thinks of me. How could he not?! And he notices what I had on in my facebook picture, because the first the he says to me when I walked into his apartment on Friday was "that looks like the shirt you have on in your facebook picture" (it wasn't the same, but I guess he looks at my page a lot!) So that is really sweet and nice to know. He was so disappointed when I told him I wouldn't be here this weekend, and he kept asking me when I was getting back. But I think he's home now. I called him yesterday afternoon. I was dying to call him. I had to literally force myself not to...but I ended up giving in. He didn't answer. But I expected that. And I wasn't sad, it felt good to just have tried at least. I may be a little disappointed about him not calling me back, but it's ok. I sent him a facebook message this evening, just telling him I was back, not feeling good, glad I got to see him on Friday, won't call him anymore unless he wants me to. Because I won't. But I want to. But it's not going to happen this time. I'm not like I was before. I'm in a place at the moment where I'm content with the whole experience with him. I've learned a lot. About guys. About relationships. And especially about myself. I can honestly say now that I'm so glad I met him. And no matter how much hurt and pain that I've put myself through, it was worth it. To at least have had it for once. And I'm on to find it from someone who really wants me. But it's still not over with him yet. Or is it?