Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing...

I AM SOOOOO ANNOYED RIGHT NOW!!!! Skip sent me another text message this evening asking me if I had any plans for tonight. I sent him one back saying that I didn't yet, and asked what he was doing. I also said for him to call me if he wanted to do something, and to do it soon so I'd know (I was polite and said please). But what's happened since then??? NOTHING!!! I was very skeptical about it in the first place, because I remember what happened with the last one. BUT WHY BOTHER??? I'd rather not hear from you than for you to get my freaking hopes up that I might get to see you!! Is he trying to drive me crazy? And you know what, the next time he sends me one (if that ever happens), I'll be busy and have plans, but that's when he'll definitely what to do something! I just know that will be the case. He's not the only person I haven't heard back from tonight. I called Anna, Blake's girlfriend, to see what she was up to and if she wanted to go out, and I also called Blake. No word from either. And Ania didn't want to go out tonight. I was at least supposed to go over and hang out with her, but she changed her mind. I really wanted to go out tonight. I don't have my first class, and I just feel like being out. I feel so pathetic. And pissed about Skip. You know what's even more pathetic?? I was actually trying to look at it in a postive way in that at least he was thinking about me. God, I'm such an idiot.

it's a lie, a kiss with open eyes

Can Gilmore Girls be any closer to the story of my life this year? Rory and Logan=me and Skip right now (before they became a couple). Me crying over him? Check. Just casually dating (meaning all we do is go out and then hook up)? Check. I missed the Founder's Day Punch episode last week. It's one of my favorites because everything they discuss is SO TRUE to what I've been through before, and am currently experiencing. Especially the end, where Rory's wasted and crying over why Logan doesn't like her. Been there, definitely done that. I know, I know, I've talked about this before. But I just can't help but see how many parallels there are! It really was the best season yet. I'm such a dork, going about about a tv show...still no word from Ania. If she's mad about me still about Saturday night, well then that's really ridiculous. I hope she's just busy with sorority stuff, because I do remember that the first week is pretty crazy. But still, she could have at least responded to my IM or email me or something just to say hi. I really hope that she doesn't ditch me now that she's in a sorority. I knew it'd change things some, but I feel like she's starting on a path of leaving me behind. I want to see that movie "Just like Heaven." It looks cute. She's back from being away now...let's see if she'll talk to me...I'm not IM'ing her. Yay, and she did, but after I responded to her away message...we're good, no problems!

There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed

I think Ania might still be mad at me from Saturday night. There was this whole ordeal over buying a keg. What had happened was I told mom about buying one for her and her roommate the other night, and she completely freaked out on me. On the way home from Graham's birthday dinner, she asked dad about a "hypothetical situation" in which someone buys a keg for underage people, and I ended up getting this whole lecture about how I'm responsible for everyone who drinks and all. I was like, "yeah, yeah" rolling my eyes, etc. So when Ania asked me if I would get another one that night, I said that I would, despite what I had just gone through. But on the way over to her place, that lecture kept hanging over my head and a voice was telling me not to do it. So I changed my mind. I knew she wouldn't be happy, and she wasn't. Not only did I decline to buy the keg, I did what one of her other friends does to her all the time: I took back my word. I felt so bad. She said she wasn't mad, but I knew she was definitely irritated, because she had to find someone else to buy one. And I was in this rush because I was going out with Blake and had to be at his house, so I wasn't really happy about doing it in the first place, but because I'm nice, I was going to do her a favor. I had to take her to the ATM to get some money that she owed me, and while she was inside, I called mom and told her how mad I was that I told her, because Ania said that we shouldn't drink together anymore if I feel so strongly about this. Which I don't, but I was just uncomfortable buying it that night because of what I'd heard only 2 hours earlier. It was weighing on my mind, and made a lot of sense. But she thinks buying alcohol is buying alcohol. All or nothing. Take it or leave it. I see it a different way: buying a keg for a party is not the same thing as me buying a pack of beer or a bottle for a few people. I really don't buy alcohol for other people; I'm usually drinking it, too. It's totally different. Ania ended up talking to my mom on the phone, and told her she wasn't mad at me or anything, just that she feels differently. I'm hoping it was just because of the stress of having to find someone else in a short period of time. But I don't know. I didn't talk to her yesterday, and I IM'ed her about an hour ago, but she never responded. She went away without saying anything, but now she's back and still hasn't answered my IM, which is kind of rude. And she's gone again. It's not making me feel so great. I think I just lost my good friend to her new sorority. And to declining to buy a keg. And like a dork I'm already starting some reading for my classes. I don't want to, but I have nothing else to do, and I'd rather not sit around on the computer or just watching tv and wasting time. I could be hanging out with Ania, but I don't know what's up with her, because she won't tell me. She doesn't want to talk to me. I'm going out tomorrow night--it's Tuesday and the first week of school--there's no way I'm staying home. If Ania doesn't want to go out with me (if I've even heard from her by then), I'll go out with Blake, since I know he's definitely going out.

Don't play with it, don't play with it

So summer is officially over, and it's back to school. Whoa, that song "Play" by David Banner....just a little dirty...I need the clean version, please! After my freakout on Friday night, I ended up seeing Skip on Saturday night. I called him, not expecting him to answer, but he did. I was going out with Blake and co., and he said there was some party at Skip's and his roommates that they were going to beforehand. I didn't want to just show up, not having talked to Skip, so I decided to call him. And I said I knew about it because I was going out with Blake, and he asked if I was going to stop by. Yeah, so I went. Tell me about awkward. He wasn't there at first, but when he got there, I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to hang around him, because that would seem clingy and annoying. But he IGNORED me the whole night, only occasionally acknowledging that I existed. I ended up not going to Yianni's with Blake and them because I wanted to hang around Skip. But he was being such a jerk to me! By the end of the night I was practically crying because he kept ignoring me. There were these 2 girls that kept hanging around him, and I got a little annoyed at that, but it turns out he's known them a long time. And what really got me was when one of them was sitting in his lap while they were playing cards...it's not the sitting part, it's where the hands were going...just lightly brushing, but it drove me crazy! I took Meredith into the bathroom to vent, and told her, and she said that I shouldn't worry because he didn't look interested in her at all. At the end of the night, I ended up crying (but not a lot) about how he was ignoring me to the other girl that kept hanging around him. I hope she doesn't remember. I was only upset that he kept ignoring me. I wasn't asking him to be at my side the entire night or anything, just look at me and smile once in a while or something, not act like I wasn't even there. So I confronted him about it. As he passed by me, he said something to me that I didn't catch, and I wanted to know what it was. So I followed him into his room, and we got into a little argument. I was standing right in front of him, not backing down or anything, knowing full well what I wanted. Let's just say that I got what I wanted. Yeah, you could say I sort of "seduced" him. He admitted that he was ignoring me on purpose and said I would look at him funny when he was talking to other girls, which was not true at all. Said I was jealous, and I was like, what do I have to be jealous of? But he did get me when he said something about the girl sitting on his lap, I confessed that it bothered me a little. He doesn't want a girlfriend, which duh, I pretty much knew. But I told him that I was never asking to be his girlfriend and said what made him think I wanted a boyfriend, more or less it to be him? He just assumed so, because I was a girl, and that they always do. (Which actually I do, but I just like seeing the guy and doing what we've been doing, and I don't want to lose that at this point. It's probably better that I don't have a boyfriend anyways, there being so many guys out there and this my last year). ANd I told him that I just liked doing what we've been doing. So we continued what we've been doing :) Had no more problems after that. Oh, he did say something about me being a little clingy, which I didn't understand, and he also said something about he already had played the boyfriend role with me the last time, which I have NO IDEA what he was talking about. Like I said, he was being a jerk. So I'm gonna play it cool...not call him for a while, maybe I'll give him a call this weekend. We'll see. Oh, he did say how he IS attracted to me, no doubt...

'cause the loving ain't the same

I don't know why I fall for it everytime. But I do. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And I can only blame myself for these tears that I'm crying right now. I never heard from him tonight. But that was expected. Wasn't it? It wasn't the scenario I wanted, but I ultimately knew that's what would end up happening tonight. Time wasted. Too much time wasted doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes I just wish there was a fast-forward button, so I could get rid of all this waiting. Not to skip (sorry, I did not want to use that word AT ALL, but there was no other I could think of) parts of my life, just the waiting for stupid guys to call you back. Or to call you at all. I got soooooo excited today. So excited. I was so happy that I was probably going to be seeing him tonight. He actually wanted to spend time with me still! And it was him who made the effort this time! Some effort. He better have a damn good excuse. Am I overreacting? Duh, of course I am. But that's just me. I can't help it. I try to ignore all this bullshit and accept it for what it's worth (he IS a guy afterall), but when you put everything on hold for someone, it's easy to lose your cool. Not that I had any plans in the first place, but I COULD have made some. I could have done something with Meredith. But no, I thought that I was doing something with Skip (because he oh so kindly sent me that false-sense of hope in a dumbass text message), so that's what I based my night around: waiting for his fucking phone call. I DO IT EVERYTIME, FOR EVERY GUY THAT I LIKE. You think that I would've learned by now that they're just empty promises. And there are times where I thought I had. But yet, after you haven't talked to them or heard from them in a while, the hope begins to soar once again. It goes from extreme high (when you first meet them), to extreme low (when you don't talk for a bit and you think things could be over already), to extreme high (when they finally make contact again and want to see you!), to extreme low (when they break their word). And it goes on and on and on. Yet I never learn. I was doing things so differently this time, too. The only real mistake that I think I made was calling him drunk on Sunday night. But that was just a fun drunken phone call. Nothing to scare him away, especially since he called me drunk once, too (the first time he called me, but it was to say he was thinking about me). Yeah, he's thinking about me so fucking much lately. IT HURTS. IT HURTS, IT HURTS, IT HURTS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH. I can't go without my medication. I'm not ready for it. Not that it would help in this situation, since my emotions concerning guys overrides any benefit it does me. I just wish more than anything right now he would call me. Please. Pretty, pretty please. I'm begging you: just call me. Do this for me. Apologize for not calling earlier. I don't care. Just do it. I'm honestly happy with just hanging out with you, doing what we've been doing. As long as we keep seeing each other, that's all that matters. That's all I need right now. Just to see you again. For you to want to see me. And I thought that's what you wanted today.

I've gotta shake it off...

It's SOOOOO frustrating waiting for someone to call you back. Skip sent me a text message around noon today asking: "ANY PLANS FOR TONIGHT??" I was so happy to see that...I sent him one back saying: "Nope wanna do something." I'm not really good at text messaging, since I don't think my plan really allows for it, and I think my message I sent can be interpreted in 2 ways. One is that I'm asking him to if he wants to do something, and I just forgot (or actually, I really didn't know how to put it in there) the question mark. Or, you can interpret it as saying that I'm not doing anything, but I want to do something. I'm not exactly sure which I meant myself! Either is fine with me. However, I have not heard back from him all day. And I called him around 8:30pm just because. Clearly, he wants (or wanted) to do something, because you don't just ask someone (much less text them) asking if they have plans that night. Hopefully he's just been at work all day and hasn't had a chance to call me back. That could explain why he sent that message so early in the day, so I wouldn't make any plans since he wouldn't be able to get in touch with me. But it just bugs the crap out of me that I got his stupid voicemail AGAIN. And believe me, I waited, and waited, and waited to call him, not wanting this to happen. But of course, it did. It is only 9pm, but I'm the kind of person who likes to know what they're doing way in advance. I like plans. Sure spontenaity is fun sometimes, but not when it comes to this. Not with guys. CALL ME BACK ALREADY!!! Maybe he has to close, if he's at work. He might be working all day so he doesn't have to work this weekend. But he better fucking call me soon because I'm all ready to go out now (minus the clothes). I've taken a shower and done my makeup and hair. That was probably pretty stupid of me, considering he most likely won't end up calling me back and I'll have wasted another night sitting at home WAITING. And I really don't want to do that. I guess I can always call Blake and see what he's up to, since he did ask me today when he called to let him know what I was was doing, since I told him I might be doing something with Skip. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm going to go take a nap, since there's absolutely nothing else for me to do. But wait, unfortunately.

That is just so you, coming back when I've finally moved on

I have the weirdest feeling ever. It's hard to describe...it definitely has to do with being so tired. And not to mention I didn't get very much sleep after that annoying phone call from someone even more annoying and someone I thought was out of my life. Every time I look back on it, I realize I lowered my standards so much. Why did I do it? I can honestly say I am very glad that what happened, happened. Yeah, it did hurt a lot at the time, but he was no good for me at all. And I don't think I would have been with him much longer because I sure didn't feel the way he felt about me. Just get over it. Move on. So harsh, I know...and hypocritical coming from someone who's felt the same way over someone else. But whatever. Why is it always the person who you don't want that ends up doing this sort of thing??? Uh, if I want anyone to want me back, it'd be Adam...I'm not saying I would go back to him, because I WILL NOT, but you get what I'm saying. Skip is still MIA. He probably was just playing me like Ania said that time. I really hope not. My feelings are so mixed about it. Is it good or bad that I'm not really worried at this point? Because if it was Adam, I'd be freaking out. Ok, so I actually already have freaked out once before, but then he called and apologized the next day and I ended up seeing him. In a facebook message I just sent Blake, I told him about it briefly. Maybe he'll know what's up or could possibly find out. Not that I want someone to ask him for me, because that is so childish. I'm personally just afraid if I do it myself, I could completely ruin things by coming off in the wrong way, when I'm having a lot of fun with just going out with him at this point. Of course, I eventually want way more, but I want to take things slow, and I like the pace it's going. Except, I could do with seeing him maybe a bit more, or least hear from him. So, I've stopped taking my medication...hmmm, I don't know if it's a good idea or not, but I really don't want to be on them forever. I can't depend on them to make me feel good anymore, either. I don't think I need them. One reason why I've stopped is because I seriously started to feel emotionally numb, which kinda scared me. More later...found out there's a keg at Ania's!!! shower and then I'm there!

WHAT THE ????

NO FREAKING WAY DID THIS JERK JUST CALL ME AT 2:30 AM...NOT AGAIN, NOT WITH WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME. DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM? I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM. ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN HE CALLS ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--I KNOW HE'S WASTED. YEAH, AND AFTER HE CALLED THE FIRST TIME, I JUST *KNEW* HE WOULD CALL ME AGAIN. AND OF COURSE, I WAS RIGHT, BECAUSE I KNOW HIM. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH HIM. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THERE ON MY END. MAN, HE JUST WON'T QUIT. AND I'M NOT THE LEAST BIT FLATTERED, BECAUSE HE'S NOT SOMEONE I WANT CHASING AFTER ME. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THANKS A LOT FOR RUINING MY SLEEP...I WAS SLEEPING SO WELL, TOO. GOD, HE BETTER NOT CALL ME AGAIN. IF HE DOES, I SWEAR....

I'll be your lover, I'll be your best friend, tell me what I gotta do

Soooooo tired. All I want to do is sleep. Yet, I really don't want to go to bed yet. So why am I complaining? I'll just end up wasting time online and watching tv. Can't Buy Me Love is on abcfamily. I'm a sucker for those 80s teen movies. Went to dinner with Meghan and Vanessa. It was really good to see Vanessa, considering I think the last time I saw her was Spring Break. So sad...I don't know what in the world happened. I guess we just all got to busy (or sick!). Speaking of being sick, I really hope I'm not relapsing. I've been unusually tired the past couple of days and I've recently started coughing. Not good at all. I just have to try and rest, which is really hard to do right now, since everything's gearing up for school and this is the best time of year to go out. Still no word from Skip. It's so frustrating. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. Obviously, I'm annoyed. But at the same time, I don't really feel scared that he doesn't want to see me again. Maybe he's just busy. I'd just like to know what was going on though, to know his intentions. Because I don't want to waste my time if all he wants is what we've been doing--going out occasionally and you know...not that it's not incredible, I just want more. I think I'll be sleeping soon...

Waiting here with hopes this phone will ring, and I'm thinking awful things

Am I too forward? Is there something wrong with the girl calling the guy, after they made the first move and called you first before you called them? I've always been this way with guys. Every single one. I can't just sit back and wait for them to call me, because they never will. I'd be waiting forever. But it doesn't help, you calling them, when all you keep getting is their voicemail and you leave messages for them to call you. Then it's all back to zero, where you're still waiting for them to call you, even though you called them. It's a vicious cycle. I wonder if I didn't call him, would he call me? Would we have never seen each other? But remember, he called me first. And he did go out with me again on Thursday. Yeah, I had to do the asking once again, but it was him who called me on Sunday to hang out. That's what I want. More hanging out during the day. Someone who doesn't want to only see me at night. That's never happened before until him. Neither Adam nor Chris wanted to be with me during the day. And that's something very important, because a relationship can't only be based on nights. Sure, I love going out and everything at night, but what I really want is someone to do the most mundane things with. Someone who will be with me when I'm just doing laundry or nothing at all or running errands. Looks like another hit and miss for me. At least, it's shaping up to be that way, much to my dismay. Especially when I thought he was turning out to be so right the more I've spent time with him. I just want to find the right guy for once. I'm not looking for marraige at this point, not that serious. Just a long term relationship. Yeah, there's the heartbreak that will happen at the end, because I doubt things would work out forever, but that's ok. It's not an "in the meantime" thing, where I'm just with someone until I find "the one." I wouldn't be settling at all. It'd be with someone that was so wonderful. And if he started to became the wrong one down the road, then it would end. I just want a relationship for once in my life. Is that too much to ask for??? Apparently, it is.

Well I thought that we'd be different babe, yeah I thought that we would last

All guys are the same. They really are. I know of no exceptions. IF YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO CALL BACK, THEN FUCKING CALL BACK!!! And no, not the next day. IT TAKES 2 SECONDS!!! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? IT'S NOT, BECAUSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME. ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT WASTED DOING NOTHING BUT WAITING FOR A STUPID GUY TO CALL. I'M SO PATHETIC, I HATE IT. We have another amazing night out (and afternoon) on Thursday, but here I am, watching a repeat of last week. I could be hanging out at Ania's, but I got tired of just sitting there watching tv. I felt like I was in the way. And I was really bored. And I really wanted to go out. With Skip. Thought it was actually going to happen when I called him tonight. First time was a bust, waking him up and everything. Then I called him back an hour later to say I was sorry again (he wasn't mad or anything, I just felt bad) and we talked for a bit and neither of us was doing anything and we both wanted to go out. Said he was going to check with some friends and he'd give me a call in a little bit. So another hour rolls by, I've taken a shower and put my foundation on, and am just hanging out doing nothing but waiting for his call back. And guess what? It never comes. So I called him AGAIN, and got his stupid voicemail and left a message asking him to call me. Ha. Fat chance. Why am I kidding myself? Do I actually believe he is into me? Yeah, stupidly enough I do. All the signs are there. Except, here comes the damn phone thing again. It all starts with this. Ania briefly mentioned last night she thinks he's playing me. I don't see it. He doesn't act like he's playing with me. These stupid games that go on at the beginning. They're so stupid. Can't call too much, don't want to do anything to scare the person off, don't want to come on too strong. Fuck it. FUCK ALL OF IT. Am I a little mad? You bet I am, especially when I start swearing. You know it's serious business when I do that, because the only other time I swear is when I'm drunk. Tonight's deja-vu all over again. And it's not a night I want to be repeated. But unfortunately, it will, because that's the way my life goes. Something good comes along, but something always goes wrong. It's like someone's saying that I don't deserve it. Well, I don't care if I'm being selfish, but I do. I'm doing things right this time. And tonight I probably just screwed it up by calling him 3 times. And this time I doubt there will be an apology to follow tomorrow. I'm not calling him again. If he has any interest in me at all still, he will call me. He doesn't even need a reason. Just FUCKING DO IT. He saw a picture of me today at some house he was at. He actually told me. Was he looking for me, since it was a KD composite? Or did he just happen to come across it? But why would he mention it to me if that wasn't the case? Obviously he thought it was important enough to tell me. Was it a sign? Did he want me to pick up on some subtle hint? Because I normally don't go around saying to people, "I saw a picture of you today" when I look at people's pictures. That would be tiring. I JUST DON'T GET WHY HE WON'T CALL ME BACK. HE BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON. I don't want it to be over. Not yet. Not again. Not so soon. I can't keep a guy. They start to get to know me and then they run away. I know, I know, "It's not you, it's them." But at some point, you've gotta wonder if it really is you. But that's why I'm using my past experiences from this year to do things differently this time. I haven't acted at all like I have with Adam or Chris. No calling him everyday, or seeing him several times a week. When does that point come when all they want to do is see you and be with you? Because it's already here for me, and I'm doing all that I can to hold back, and I really have been doing a good job. WHY? WHY? WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

Suddenly you felt so right, me and you, what a feeling

Today's horoscope:

This new romance is a total rush. You haven't felt this way in a long time. You're glowing. You and you-know-who understand each other intuitively. This is terrific.

SO FREAKY!!! because it's SO TRUE!!!!!!!

this could be different, this could be all i'm waiting for

This sounds pretty hypocritical coming from a girl who is a member of a sorority herself, but I swear, they're all clones of each other! Highlighted blond and brown hair, faces plastered with makeup, tanning-bed tanned skin, all wearing the same Abercrombie/Hollister look with their designer handbags. I don't think I look like them, the typical sorority girl. Do I? I definitely haven't conformed--take the fact that I didn't drink at all while I was active for 2 1/2 years and I never bought in to the whole Coach, Louis Vuitton, etc. purse thing. Because believe me, EVERYONE has one. But I never really got the attraction. Of course, I can't apply this to all the girls, because not everyone's the same, and not everyone's like that. But those sure were the girls I saw at the mall today! You could spot them a mile a way. It's that time of year again--rush. I do feel kinda bad now that I've sad all of this, because I've met some of the most amazing girls being in KD...take Anne for instance, who I don't know what I would've done if I'd never met her! I just got a little annoyed today I guess. Thought they'd all be busy with Spirit Week stuff and not be out at the mall when I was shopping today. But whatever. It was bugging me. So I finally looked at the picture that I took of me and Skip while we were out last Thursday. I'd been afraid to look at it, for one thing because it didn't turn out good, and because I didn't want to jinx anything. But it's really not that bad after all. I look decent, and he looks SO HOTT despite moving before the picture was actually done being taken (darn red eye flashes!). And no, I haven't been staring at it all night...I'm not psycho. I've only looked at it a few times! Oh, and NO COOKIES!!! Not for a very, very long time. They're bad luck. And no gifts. No mentioning far in the future, or "us" or anything that might scare him away for that matter. I'm just taking it day by day, seeing where it goes. I don't need to call him every day, since I think that's a huge turnoff, especially when I have no idea what we are yet. If we will be anything at all (I'm hoping--no PRAYING-- that that's not the case). But I'm gonna call him tomorrow evening at some point to make plans for Thursday night to go out with Ania and I. "Just call me babe, just call me..." He calls me baby all the time!

Heaven is a place on Earth

I'm in HEAVEN!!!! After overreacting, once again, and thinking everything was over and I'd never see or hear from him again, he calls me on Sunday afternoon! He apologized for not calling me back on Saturday. He ended up going to dinner with his friends right after he got home and he was out all night from there. At least he said he was sorry. And he asked me to hang out with him that afternoon! Of course I said yes!!! I went over there around 3 something...we rented a movie, and then ended up watching 2 more in the course of the evening. That's what happens when there's no cable! I must say, Fight Club, which we watched second, is really good...very strange, but good. We had some drinks and stuff...I hadn't eaten anything since lunch, either, and I'm surprised I didn't get completely wasted. I was just a little buzzed. So I didn't exactly plan on it at all, but I ended up staying the night...and I didn't leave until 3:30pm today! Another wonderful and amazing night (and an incredibly afternoon!!!!). Wow is all I can say. He just makes me feel so... there aren't any words to describe it. And the response I get back from him...there is definitely something there. I don't think it's going to end anytime soon. I invited him out on Thursday to 80s night at Potbelly's...Ania told me to tell him not to make any plans because he's coming with us...and he said sure, give me a call! I'm going shopping on Wednesday and I remember him saying that's the next time he'll be working...:)

Here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces

It hurts so much. Still no word. I should have known. I really should have known that this was going to happen to me. Again. We shared something so special. It was how I had always pictured it, how I had always wanted it to be. I never thought I could let that side of me out. But he made me feel so comfortable; there is something about him that I am so attracted to. Why? Why? WHY??? Was it something I did? Did I say something I shouldn't have??? I really hope I'm just overreacting. I tend to do that. But I doubt I am. Not all guys are jerks. I know that. But where are those guys?? And why do I seem to keep finding the bad ones? I just thought this could have been it. Not like marraige or anything, but someone who wanted to be with me. We just clicked. The connection was stronger than anything I've ever felt me. Or so I thought. At least it was with me. I'm never calling him again. If he wants anything to do with me, he'll call me himself. Which won't happen.

Baby, just close your eyes and dream

Why does this always happen to me? I have the most amazing and wonderful night and morning/afternoon of my entire life, and then there's nothing. Nothing but pain. And hurt. I just have a really bad feeling. He hasn't called me back yet. He probably won't. And if he does, he won't want to do anything with me. Because when I asked if he wanted to hang out anyways, even if we couldn't find anything to do, and he was like, um, yeah, let me get home and take a shower and call some people and I'll give you a call in a bit. He sounded fine when he first called me back, up until that point. I mean, I had asked him out in the dang message I left him. That's just my luck, of course. I think I meet someone so absoutely great and so right for me, and then it goes and ends as quickly as it started. Another failed attempt a a relationship this year. The third major one this year. The way he made me feel...it was just so incredible. My feelings have just developed so fast and they've gotten so intense so soon. I never thought I could feel this way. I've never felt this way, ever. I knew it was too good to be true. It always is.

and just being around you offers me another form of relief

I am sooooo bored. I do not know what to do with myself at all. I slept all day and watched tv. That's all I did. I was tired, but I also had nothing else to do. I need to kill time, but I can't think of anything! God, I want Skip so bad. I want to see him. He better call me tomorrow. Or else. I'll call him instead. But I really don't want to do that. Maybe I can make it seem really innocent, like just wanted to see if he wanted to do something that night, because if not, I was going to do something else. That's probably a bad idea. Dumb, too. Yeah, go and make yourself look desperate. He'll probably get scared off if I call...that's seemed to be what's happened in the past with every other guy. Like they're afraid of a girl who takes the initiative. They supposedly like girls to do things like that, so it takes the pressure off of them. Well, at least that's what they say, because when it comes to reality, I think they're turned off by it. Does it make us come off too strong or something? Too eager? Whatever the case, I know I haven't exactly benefitted from it. Except, I did on Monday when I called him. And he even asked if I wanted to call him...I should've said that I would. I knew giving him all the power would drive me crazy like this. At least I'd be the one in control. But my thinking was that I didn't know when he'd be free and want to do something. We should have just made plans for a specific day. Should have, should have, should have...yeah, there's a lot of things that could have gone differently, but they went the way they did. I don't think he'd care if I called. I just don't want to seem like I'm too eager, coming off too strong by calling him. He might get the wrong idea and rethink seeing me. AHHHHH!!!! Boys...so complicated! I don't know what to do. I want to go to the mall tomorrow. So I can stop by Hollister and see if he's working. That'd give me an excuse to call him. I could see if he was working, and then I could go and see him. Or I could just go in there and look. That might seem a bit strange though. But hey, I like to shop there...even more so that he works there! But with my luck, he wouldn't be there, or it'd end up being really awkward and embarassing. Tomorrow's gonna be a long, long day. Because he may call me, and want to do something that night. I think if he doesn't call me by the evening, I'll call him, so at least we could make plans for Friday or something if we didn't go out that night. I don't know what to do. I need advice. Should I call him? Or should I just wait for him to eventually call me??? Oh, the insanity...

And the talking leads to touching, then the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left

I can't get him out of my head!!!! I want it to be a few days later NOW!!! I don't want to have to go through another whole long day...just get to be the end of the week. No Wednesday, let's just skip to Thursday night. If he doesn't call me on Thursday, I'm going to call him. Hey, he asked me if I wanted to call him or for him to call me...and stupid me put the ball back in his court. Well, I'll take it away from him if I have to! I just hate waiting for guys to call. I know he's gonna call, but it's pretty vague as to when that will be. During the day? Or will I have to go all day for his call at night? It's torture, I tell ya. TORTURE!!! I can't sleep right now because of him....and I'm completely exhausted (I did too much today). Yep, I've got it bad right now...please help me...

and color the coast with your smile, it's the most genuine thing that I've ever seen

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took a huge chance, and it paid off big time!!! I called him this evening, after much debate and many failed attempts. His phone went straight to his voicemail, so I left a message saying that I called to say hi and to call me later if he wanted. And he did! I wasn't sure if he would, but he's followed through on his words so far. I'm so happy :) We "chatted" for a bit. Found out he just started a job at Hollister--even more of an excuse to go now! I think I scared him a bit when he asked me what I'd been doing all summer and I replied that I hadn't been doing much because I was sick and then I said I had mono. He was like, that's really contagious isn't it, but I reassured him I wasn't contagious any more--that was 2 months ago. He asked me what my plans were this week and asked when we could "chill." I said I didn't have any plans and he was like I'll call you later in the week and we'll go out. Actually asked if I wanted to call him instead, but since I figured I didn't know when he'd be available, I said he could just call me. So he is. I'd say it'll be Thursday or Friday, possibly Wednesday. He said he was going to take it easy for a few nights, but he'll call in a few days and we'll do something really fun....I knew he wanted to see me again. I just knew it. And I'm SO HAPPY HE WANTS TO SEE ME!!!! Because I really, really want to see him. Now I've just got to occupy my time these next few days, which won't be easy because I was absolutely bored out of my mind today. But now I've got something incredibly good to look forward to!!!!!

Lose all of my defenses...

And then it fades away...when he actually calls! Yes, it's true!! Ok, so it was at 3:30 am. But coincidentally, I had just gotten up to go to the bathroom, so he didn't wake me. Perfect timing. He called to tell me he was thinking about me, not to make a "booty call," considering he said he was crashing at his friend's house that night. Yeah, it was a drunk call, but if you think about it, when you're drunk, you really only call people you care about, not random people you have in your phonebook. He was so cute: he knew it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, calling me at that hour, but he didn't care. He wanted to talk to me anyways. I don't him he can call me when he's not drunk and it's not the middle of the night, and he said he was going to and will...It seems like a dream. When I woke up, I was like, "did he actually call last night?" Yep, he sure did! Yeah, so I think he likes me :) Normally I would dismiss a drunk dial, but since he knew exactly what he was doing, and he realized that it was probably dumb to do so, I think it's ok. I was just happy to hear from him. Am I lowering my standards? No, not at all. It was a different kind of call--it wasn't desperate or he didn't seem to want anything. We'll see if that's really true if I hear from him during the day. I have a feeling I will.

And the disappointment sets in...

And I'm hoping my dreams bring you close to me

I hate this part. The endless waiting and speculation. Will he call? When will he call? Did he really mean it? You tell yourself that you're not going to get your hopes up, that you don't expect anything to happen. But deep down, you know that's a lie. All you want is for that one phone call from him. It's all you think about. It's always there in the back of your mind, always lurking somewhere within everything little thing you do. You try and tell yourself that it's no big deal if he doesn't. It's all to spare yourself the hurt when he really doesn't call. So you wait, and you wait, and you wait. Maybe he'll call me later. Nothing happens. Ok, so that doesn't mean that he won't. He just didn't today. He'll call tomorrow. So your whole day you go on, wishing and hoping to hear from him. You inherintely base your plans on possibly getting that phone call. Should you make plans for that night? What if he calls and asks what you're doing? You don't want to be busy. But then again, you don't want to appear like all you've been doing is waiting around for his call (but honestly, of course, that's not true). It drives you absolutely mad. You become attached to your phone, even taking it into the bathroom when you go, because hey, he could call while you're in the shower, and you definitely don't want to miss it. You glance over at your cell constantly, checking to make sure it didn't somehow turn the ringer to silent (it could happen...). You become obsessed. Then you start to realize, why the heck am I doing this to myself? It's stupid to act this way. Here comes the anger aimed towards your actions. I'm such an idiot. How did I ever actually think he'd call me? Of course he wouldn't. Good things like this never happen me. It's a vicious cycle. It seems to happen with every guy; yet, you never seem to learn. Except now, everytime you promise yourself that you'll never fall for it again. But you do. Because we all have that little voice inside our heads whispering thoughts of hope. It keeps us going, it keeps the faith alive that there will be someone who does follow through on his word. Maybe, just maybe...

And he kissed me goodbye!!! On my lips!!!

Since you've been gone...

Wow...the things that have happened in the past 24 hours...Last evening, I was in my room, when I hear this shouting coming from outside. I go to the front window to see what all the commotion is about, and I see these 2 women and this guy in his car. The women are new tenants in one of the townhouses across the street, and the guy is their neighbor. The larger one of the two women was shouting profanities like crazy, apparently upset about the parking space lines that the guy had painted earlier in the day. The guy drives off, and then all of a sudden, this car pulls up and this other guy gets out and starts walking up the drive way. He's holding a gun and shoots it twice in the air. I was so shocked, and got scared. I immediately went and got my phone and called 911, because I didn't know what might happen next. Plus, it's not exactly legal to shoot a gun into the air. So I tell the dispatcher what has happened, and as I'm on the phone, the guy gets back into his car and drives away. The police would be on their way. Yeah, after like 45 minutes! I guess it's a real top priority, you know, those incidents with guns. They eventually came and I acted like a nosey neighbor, spying out the window. I didn't go out to see the police, since I didn't want to give it away that I was the one who called it in. I'd talk if they came to my door, but they didn't. That was basically the first part of my evening. It shook me up a little. Just like some new people to bring trouble to a once peaceful place. Anyways, I also went out with Blake and Anna and some other people to Chubby's last night. Pre-partied at Blake's first (of course). Had my 10-calorie fruit juice and vodka drinks...I know, I'm probably the only person that counts, or even worries about, calories when it comes to drinking. Had a shot, plus finished off someone else's vanilla vodka tonic, which by the way, was incredibly good. But, it could've been due to the previous consumption of alcohol that night. I was feeling REALLY good by the time we go to the club, where it was not crowded at all--I've never seen it that way before. Anyways, I was scouting around for some guys...there was this one at this table behind us that big-time kept looking at me, in such an obvious way. I wasn't sure if he was cute enough or not, had to get some second opinions. But he ended up leaving. No big deal. Then we wandered into the dance floor area, where I came across this really hot guy in a blue polo shirt. He was looking in my direction, and as I got near, I looked at him and gave him a little smile to show that I was interested. Well, I mentioned to Anna that I thought he was really cute, and she said Blake knew him. So Blake called him over and introduced us. We hit it off and danced the remainder of the time while there. He came back to Blake's with me. Oh, forgot to mention the major making out on the dance floor. Such a great kisser! Definitely thinks I was because he told me!!! Anyways, back at Blake's we're all hanging out, the two of us are cuddling on this bean bag chair...everyone leaves...we start to kiss...move to the empty bedroom...and seriously stay up all night making out. The rest is private! But seriously, this guy, his name is Skip--that's what everyone calls him, I'm sure it's not his real name, he is SO HOT!!!! He is by far the hottest guy I've been with so far. His body...absolutely incredible! And he's so nice, too. I don't really expect anything...well, ok, maybe so, but I'd definitely like something to. The thing about last night with him is that it was basically everything I'd been wanting. He HELD me in his arms the ENTIRE night. Not just until we fell asleep. I woke up literally in his arms. And there was not at one point he tried to not hold me. Or kiss me! This morning it was so cute, when we first woke up, he kissed me! And kept kissing me...so sweet! It did not feel like a one night fling at all. And I think that's why I was so comfortable with it (and him). I have absolutely NO regrets today. It was just a wonderful night. And I don't think that will be the end of it, since he invited me to a party tonight (said there's supposed to be one) and said he'd call me later. Trying not to think to much about it (the ever-elusive phone call) and trying not to get my hopes up. I've had a permanent smile on my face all day :)

Hear me I'm crying out

MY TREADMILL WORKS!!! FINALLY!!!! My dad figured out the problem and fixed it for me today. I'M SO HAPPY!!!!

And there were these nights where I'd sing myself to sleep

I just love rainy days like this--a steady rain with rumbling thunder in the distance. It was just so peaceful and relaxing that I had to get back into bed and sleep a little. I love when it gets really dark outside during the day. I can't think of anything more romantic. I wish I had somebody to cuddle with under the covers in a comfy, cozy bed. Maybe someday...

Now all that's left of me is what I pretent to be

It seems like everybody is having a birthday lately. I log onto facebook, and there greeting me everytime is this list that keeps getting longer everyday saying "so and so's birthday is today, so and so has a birthday on." Am I a bit jealous? Jealous, no. But I do wish my birthday would come sooner. Selfish, I know. But I feel like I really missed out on my 21st. And there's no one to blame for that except for myself. I was a different person then. Not like I am now. I'm going to go all out for my 22nd. It's going to be a 21 + 1 birthday...the 21st that I never, but should have, had. I've already started planning it. Well, sorta. I want all my friends there. We'll go out on Friday AND Saturday nights! Now, only 2 months to go...

And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you a no

Watching Everwood tonight made me wish I had waited. I don't regret what I did, but I wish I was able to share myself with someone that I truly loved, and who loved me back. I may never be able to get that first time back, but I can still experience what I thought I was waiting for for so long. It just may take awhile, and I can't make any promises. I do know that I don't want it to be meaningless again. Never, ever, will go back to Adam. I know I've said that a million times, and I definitely have broken that promise, but where does it get me? I was actually thinking about writing him an email the other night (after I'd had a few drinks, of course). But I sobered up real quick, and luckily I went with my instincts and DID NOT make that mistake. I'm so glad I came to my senses. It's this kind of stuff that I need to rid my life of. I've got the memories, and that's all that's left. There is no future with him. No point in wasting my dreams on him anymore. I'm just afraid that one day if--and this is a HUGE if--he calls and wants to see me, or I run into him somewhere, that I won't be able to resist. I don't want to be weak, be I fear that's what will happen. But deep in my heart, and especially in my head, I DO NOT WANT IT TO. It's only for the best--to keep my sanity intact. I'll never break the cycle if I don't just start telling myself no. No when my mind starts wandering back to him. No when I start thinking I want to see him. Only a long, long time from now will I safely be able to reminisce. Until then, there's a huge danger in doing so. I get stuck, and I end up not wanting to move on, when I know that's what I really want to do. I want to stop the madness that he's caused within me. Too much heartache lies within everything "Adam." He's caused me enough pain. Actually, I've caused myself most of the pain by continuously going back to him, whether in person or in memory. Truthfully, I feel numb to emotions right now. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't know whether it's from the medication I've been on (which I will hopefully be able to get off of soon), or if it's because I'm actually fully content and happy with myself and my life, and there's no serious drama to get in the way. I don't feel like I'm "happy" happy, but I'm definitely not sad. I'm just kind of "there." Not in a bad place, but one lacking emotion. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is my body image. Due to being sick, I have gained some weight. It's really probably only a couple of pounds, and I'm sure no one else can tell, but I certainly can. It's been forever since I felt so inadequate and insecure about my body. I just cannot wait until I can get back into my workout routine. It's all I want right now. I was just so fit, and I loved the way I looked, and most of all, how I felt. It's just really discouraging when you can't really fit very well into a pair of jeans that you wore just a couple months ago. But I've got to stay positive about it. I'm going to lose this excess weight once I become active again. But until then, I feel so helpless. I want to do so much, but my body won't let me. I've been taken hostage by this energy-stealing virus that just won't go away. I really don't know how I'm going to deal when school starts. I don't know if I'll be better by then. I'm just sick of being so tired all the time. Today was not a good day in that area. I felt weak and drained. That is the story of my life lately.

Take a photograph and laugh at me

I'm glad it started getting cloudy and rainy today. Not that I'm in a bad mood whatsoever, but I just didn't feel like sleeping through a beautiful sunny day again. Even though it'd be stifiling hot outside. Which is another good thing about it being cloudy--it keeps the temperature down. So that's basically what I've done today-- sleep. Recovering from a long night. I must say, I have a new perspective. I have a greater appreciation for everyone that has taken care of me when I've been really, really drunk. And that mainly means Ania. Wow. It is not fun at all, and really ruins your night. But it's something that I would have done, no matter what, because I know I'd have wanted the same thing. That's what friends are for. And everyone has those kind of nights where they drink way too much and lose control of themselves and basically pass out. I know I've definitely had one like Meredith experienced last night. And maybe a few more that haven't come quite as close, but close enough. Blake and Anna were so nice...they're like, Saturday night, we're picking you up so you won't have any worries. Which is sweet, but it's not like I go home anyways...I drive my car to his apartment complex and stay at his place. I said it wasn't necessary because then how would I get home the next day? I can't call my sister because she'd complain to me for that exact reason--why didn't you have your car? But the gesture is sweet anyways. They felt so sorry for me last night. But I don't think it would have been that fun of a night, anyways, for some reason. I was barely affected at all by what I had drank--an amount that normally would have definitely had an effect on me. Baja's just isn't that much fun--there's only been one time that I've actually had fun there. But it's okay. I've got Saturday to look forward to. And Friday...but no drinking that night. It'll be a movie night with the girls.

I know there's little use in crying

I found out today that Chloe has feline AIDS. And she's probably around 2 years old, not a kitten like we thought. But there's no way I'm going to abandon her. Someone's already done that once to her. She's such a sweet and beautiful cat. A little crazy at times, but I've fallen in love with her. It'll be hard (if and) when she gets sick. But that might not be for years and years. I'm going to take care of her and give her a really good life while she's alive. That's what it's all about. The quality, not necessarily the length of time, you have with a pet. I know it'll be very sad, and I hope I don't have to face that day, but I'll love her until her time comes. You wouldn't abandon a child if they developed a deadly disease; it's the same way for me with an animal. At least she doesn't know. There's peace in mind sometimes in being oblivious to the truth.

Doesn't matter what you do, it's what you did that's hurting you

I've forgotten how much I liked Kelly Clarkson's cd, Breakaway. I'd been meaning to listen to it again for a while, but just never got around to it. But today I popped it in my car stereo on the way home, and realized how much the majority of the songs just speak to me and describe things in my life. And it's just a really good cd overall. Anyways, Friday night was RJ's going away party, which was so much fun...probably a little too much fun! I definitely had way too much to drink, and I feel like I probably made a fool out of myself in front of Adam's roommates (who were all there). I have a feeling that it will be getting back to him. But I really don't care. I had fun, and he's no longer a part of my life because he didn't want to be. I don't WANT him to be. I want to have a party of my own. I really, really want to. It wasn't anything big, just people hanging out and watching movies and drinking. But at mine, there's definitely going to be dancing! And lots of it!! Because there's nothing more that I like to do when I'm drunk than dance!!! I thought I was doing pretty good energy-wise today, but so much for that. I went home again, like yesterday, to help mom with Graham's room. I basically sorted some papers, and fell asleep on his bed with one of the kittens (Kumba) and Lucy. And I didn't think I'd be able to work out after that, but I wanted to so bad. When I got home, I decided to take a walk. Well, it ended up being a walk/run, and we'll see how I'll be feeling tomorrow. That's the one thing that I've hated the most about having mono--not being able to workout. Sure, some people would scoff at me and be like, big deal...But it's been such an important thing in my life for the past 2 1/2 years, and it's gotten me through so much, not to mention into the best shape of my entire life. And not being able to workout is definitely showing it's effects on me. To anyone else, it's nothing major, but to me, it's a big deal. It's really bringing me down. I want my energy back! I know I'll be able to get back to normal once I start working out rigorously everyday like I used to, but in the meantime, I'm not happy with my body. I was so proud of what I'd been able to achieve, and within 2 months, I've lost what I worked so hard for. A minor factor is the alcohol intake, but last semester I was still working out. And now I barely am. It was the one thing I'd always look forward to, seriously. And I miss it so much. It made me feel so good about myself. I need to call about the treadmill tomorrow. Hopefully I'll actually do it.

Someday we'll meet among the stars

Exhausted--that's how I feel tonight. I've been going all day, with no nap. I'm surprised I made it through. At first I was mainly tired because I stayed up late hanging out with Kathryn and Meredith and the rest of their small group. My favorite part was rolling down the hill on campus. Great fun. And I didn't even need to drink to act a little stupid like I was: "This is all me!" But it was definitely weird showing up at Decent Pizza and Matt being there...I only know him through Adam, and they're really good friends, like the best of friends. So it'll probably definitely get back to him. Not that I really care! Then he was at the vollyball game, too. But whatever. Oh, apparently, when RJ asked Meredith (which we find funny that he thinks we're like the best of friends, considering I didn't ever hang out with her until recently--it's Kathryn I'm really close to) if I was coming, Matt said something like, "the Mallory?" and Jessica asked if he knew me and he said he did through his roommate, which is RJ's cousin and said that we dated, or sorta dated, or didn't really know...Yeah, so I find little bits like this interesting, especially when it's about me coming from guys. After the movie at Lisa's, it was really cool to learn that they all feel the same way about the whole Christian-fundamentalist thing (not really sure how to word it, so I don't think it really came out right, but I'll try and explain). When RJ mentioned in a sarcastic voice about how he was excited about the Christian movie theater that Christian Heritage Church was going to be putting in where Movies 8 is, I realized that they were my kind of people! Haha...I knew Kathryn wasn't how I was thinking they might be, because I wasn't sure (so did not make any sense, but whatever). But then after that comment...and I'm glad to hear that they liked Saved! because that movie is so good. Everyone should see it. I'm in love with sparkly, rhinestone-encrusted bohemian style shoes and accessories. And earrings still.
'

And my mind is sure to go

Another summer is coming to an end. Another wasted summer. This should have definitely been one that was filled with productive undertakings. But, of course, it wasn't. I could never get it together. Partly, I didn't want to do anything. I knew I should get a job. And I feel so guilty that I never did. My dad really could have used the money. Then I got sick. It hasn't been at all what I expected. Not that I ever really had expectations, except that I needed to find a worthwhile job or internship. Had one possibility, but that didn't work out. I still need to contact them again to see if there might be any internship opportunity available for the spring. But I don't want to call...I have this thing with phones and calling people. I've been like that my whole life. It used to be really bad, where my parents would always have to call for me. I'm much better now, but still I get nervous and hesitant. What's there to be afraid of? Really! That's what I always have to remind myself...yet, there still lingers this fear that the person on the other line is judging me, even complete strangers. And you'd think that it'd be easier to use the phone for that exact reason. Anyways, so my summer was a complete bust. I don't even feel like I did anything at all. For the past month I've been sleeping most of the day, occasionally going out. Before that, the days were spent recovering from my late nights with Chris. So many people went to study abroad this summer. I wish I was one of them. I still have nothing to show for my future. No clue what I want to do. What I will do. My time is running out. There's not long left. If I want to go to law school, I've got to take the LSAT, not to mention apply to a zillion schools. But in my heart, I really don't want to do that at this point. It could possibly change. But I don't know. I've always thought of law school as the "practical" thing to do--not something I ever really WANTED to do. Then again, there's never been something that I really wanted to do. I've never had a passion for anything that could lead to a future career. I still don't. And it's unlikely I will. Don't get me wrong, I really like politics, and I know I want to do something in that field. But the question is, WHAT DO I WANT TO DO??? I am so sick of not knowing. The unknown is wearing me down, and I can't take it anymore. I'm so sick of people asking me what my major is and then "what do you want to do with that? Law school?" Just don't ask me ANYMORE!!! Please, for the sake of my sanity, JUST DON'T.

Well every single time I see you I start to feel this way

I really like the names Bradin (for a boy) and Bailey (for a girl). Camden is also kinda pretty and unique. Not that I'll be putting those to use for a very, very long time! I was going crazy today at Target with my mom...there were so many little kids there, it was ridiculous! When we were passing by the school supply section, I just had to exclaim, "Can we please get away from all these kids?!" They were running around and screaming all over the place. A nightmare for me. It's not that I don't like kids...I'll like my own and get used to it, you know. But in the meantime, no thanks. I'll leave the babysitting jobs open to others. Tried it, hated it. I just have no idea how to act around little kids. They come up to you and say things, and I'm just like, "yeah, that's great..." My sister says how in the world am I going to have my own kids one day? And I simply tell her that it'll be different then. I mean, I am only almost 22. Kids aren't a priority in my life. If I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, well maybe it'd be a good thing to like kids. But I don't and my profession will not involve children. My mom has even chimed in before and said that she wasn't a big kids person when she was my age, either. And my mom is really good with kids now. So until then, I'm not worrying about it. I'm so annoyed with myself because today when I went on facebook at one point, I checked his site, and there was some comment from some girl he knows and asked how this girl Ashley was doing. I'm hoping she was referring to his sister. But WHY SHOULD I CARE??? I DON'T HONESTLY CARE--it's that stupid part of me that won't let go. JUST GIVE IT UP. Why do I spend so much of my time thinking about someone who doesn't even like me??? I can't even distinguish whether I like him still, or if I'm still enamored by the fantasy version I concocted in my mind. I have a feeling that it's the second one. And if that's the case, then I perfectly fit the profile from the book I finished yesterday. Here's a perfect description:

"The most important quality a man must have, first and foremost, is that he is interested in us. We forget this; we hang on with hope and denial. And when that man, who is wrong for us anyway, loses interest, our egos kick in and all the weepy, bad behavior spirals into self-destruction and humiliation."

Uh, sound familiar? It's more like a quest for him to want me, instead of me really wanting him. I want him to like me again. I need him to want me. That's what it's become--this never-ending cycle of self-torture. He occupies a ridiculous amount of space in my head--and so I think-- in my heart as well. But he's just a waste of space. It's all empty--just fluff. Filling the so-called "need" for him to like me back. Which is so dumb, because I'm probably blinding myself to other really great guys who would actually treat me like the human being that I am. I'm changing my attitude. When I go out from now on, it's about having fun, not about looking for a guy. Because there have definitely been those nights where I've gone home sad because I didn't find someone. So it's all about the fun part. And hey, if I happen to meet someone, then great. I'm not referring to random hookups (the dance floor makeout guys). But someone genuine--someone who has a real possibility to be boyfriend material. I most likely won't meet this person out at a bar or club anyway, but instead somewhere where I least expect it. I'm just glad I'm a senior now...because at least the guys my age are more likely to want a relationship than freshmen (and I say that very, very lightly). Because let's face it, most college guys are in it for other reasons.

I walked away, and then I looked back at you

I got a random facebook message from Ovid today. Weird, I know. He was like, "nice pic shorty. enjoy the rest of your summer." Okay...shorty? I don't really know what was up with that, but whatever. It's a compliment, anyways. Just so out of the blue. Saturday night at Cafe Cabernet (when I was drunk out of my mind!), RJ was spinning his phone around on the table, and when it happened to land on me (you know, in reference to spin the bottle), I said something like, "sorry I've already been involved with one member of your family..." as a joke. And he was all like, "I'm not like him at all" and I didn't mean it in a bad way at all. I know he didn't take it the wrong way, but I felt really bad nonetheless. So I wrote him a message on myspace when I got back (how I managed, I'm not sure) apologizing for what I said. I felt I needed to say sorry. He wrote me back today, and all is well. He really is a nice guy. Unlike his cousin. Why couldn't Adam be more like him? Ok, there I go again. It never ends, I swear! Tonight, the cheesiest show, Laguna Beach, premieres. So dumb, but I got hooked last season. And I'm sure I'll get hooked again. The joys of watching fake, rich, "beautiful" peoples' lives. How I wish it was my life...NOT!!!!

The dawn is breaking, a light shining through

I'm feeling very vintage-y and bohemian at the moment. I've been inspired by this Anthropologie catalog I found at home. I absolutely love their home stuff. It's so pretty and vintage-looking. I have so many styles that I like, it's impossible to pick just one. I want to redo my room in this style. Of course I won't, but I'd like to. Maybe I'll save it for my next place. And somehow mix it with some of the other styles (modern, funky, etc.) that I like. This past Thursday, some incredibly inhumane person dumped two tiny black kittens in our yard. They are so precious! One's a boy and one's a girl. I don't know how a person can do such a thing. It's so cruel and horrible. I think we're going to keep them now. At first it was like, uh oh, Dad's not going to be happy and is going to say to bring them to the shelter. But he's such a softy, because when he came home that night and saw them, he said "how cute" and just fell in love with them. My brother has been taking care of them the most, letting them sleep with him in his room and he walks them around the yard (they follow him). It's so sweet. Frosty is not happy at all. He's all like, this is my house...what are you trying to do, replace me or something? Poor thing is very angry and will not go anywhere near the kittens. I don't know what is with my family and finding cats lately. It all began with me finding Chloe, and then my grandma found Baby, and now these two cats...the world must know that we love animals. That's how we got Frosty, too, 13 years ago...we found him abandoned on our van tire. It's just the summer of the cats.

Take me up, take me down, take me anywhere you want to baby now

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go out with Blake and his friends tonight. The other option of salsa dancing was tempting, but I don't really want to hang out at the place where it's at. I'd rather be around a younger crowd--people my age instead of the older crowd. Maybe some other time. I just don't feel like having 30-something year old guys hitting on me. I've got the rest of my life for that to happen, but not too much longer being able to hang out at the places I frequent. I'm just not feeling it right now. But who knows, I always could end up changing my mind...I tend to do that sometimes...

I need a lover that can give me love that will last always

I've been doing lots and lots and lots of thinking lately...when all you're doing is sleeping and lounging around all day, it's kind of hard not to do. This book I'm reading, called Be Honest, You're Not That into Him Either, is partly to blame. It's actually really good. I like reading these relationship books because it makes me feel like I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who experiences this exact same kind of crap from guys. It's funny, too. Anyways, it's made me think about what I really want in a relationship and from guys. I'm not wasting my time on guys who are only into hooking up (and by this I mean sex, not kissing, because kissing's definitely a differnt story...). I don't want casual, meaningless sex with guys who aren't going to be there the next day. Not that I've done that (well, once, with Adam, but I'll get to that in a minute). I've definitely had the urges this past week (but that's mainly due to the influence of lots of alcohol). And I realized that if I did something like that, that I'd really regret it and probably hate myself for doing it and would be swearing to myself to never do it again. Only to find myself in a similar situation sometime in the future...I don't know what's happened to me--I've had such an attitude change in the past 2 months surrounding sex, and it's really weird. I want to pretend that I don't have feelings and that I can have meaningless sex just for the fun of it, but deep down I know that I can't. I'm not sure why I would even want to, after the views I've held all my life. I guess in a way it's not bad that I've developed a different perspective, but I think I've gone a little overboard. I've become way too over-eager, trying to make up for lost time. And I think it may have something to do with the way it happened in the first place...so fast, so unexpected, so out of the blue with someone I had just met in person. I don't regret it, but I kinda wish it didn't happen that way. But if I really think about it, if it wasn't Chris, it would have been Adam. And that's even scarier, because while I thought I could just brush it off and convince myself on the surface that I didn't care, it did end up affecting me. I already had an emotional connection to Adam, and well, it didn't make it any better. I didn't get really attached like I might have had it happened sooner, but still, I gave a part of myself away. In one night of pure stupidity because all I could think about was that maybe he still likes me, maybe he still wants me. That's why it's so hard for women to "have sex like men" because we always develop some sort of attachment to the guy, no matter how much we don't want to. The book also makes a great point about what are you getting out of these hookups? Probably nothing. So what's the point? It doesn't diss the whole women can have sex with however many guys they like, because it can be ok sometimes and some people can deal with it. But it cautions you to think about what benefits you get from it. And the negatives most likely outweigh the positives. And plus, why choose the mediocre, even bad, when you can have something really great with someone you really like? Which is why I want to wait for someone special, for someone I really care about and who really cares about me. Someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, who will get to know me beforehand and doesn't mind waiting. Because the longer you wait, the more incredible it will be...I think this is the most mature entry I've ever written...Back to what I was saying earlier about Adam, he popped into my head once again this morning. And what I was thinking about would make me a complete hippocrite--I wanted to see him again and, well... So stupid, I know. The "what if" just seems so good, but that's just it--it's only a fantasy. The reality of it would completely suck. And I know that, which is why I immediately scolded myself for thinking such a thing. Idiotically, I also started wondering if I should write him and say hi and just see how he's been. NO!!!! I haven't and I won't. This is my problem--I want to hold on to something I don't--and never did--have. I'm trying to let go, I have been, but he's still go this hold on me. Actually, it's the other way around. I've still got this hold on him. And I refuse to fully let go. It's like I'm barely hanging on, but I'm hanging on nonetheless, knowing full well it's time to give up. Sometimes I just wish I could erase him from my memory. Not everything, just the bad things. The good things would probably be the best to get rid of, because that's what I'm holding onto: the promise of having that again. But I don't want to lose that, because for a time, it made me happy. Well, honestly, for a very brief time it made me happy. Looking back, I realize how much time I wasted waiting for him to call me some nights and to decide whether or not he wanted to do something. And how angry and sad and upset it made me. It was never meant to be. Because if it was, the guy would never have done anything to make me cry, and he never would have left me waiting like that. He would want to spend as much time with me as he could. And that's who I'm looking for. I'm not going to date guys just for the sake of dating, because if I do, I could miss out on someone amazing who's totally worth it. No matter how much I want someone, I'd rather be single and available to meet that person at any moment. I'm not settling for anything less.

In places no one will find all your feelings so deep inside

I love nights like this. When the moon shines so bright, it lights up the night sky. Suddenly the darkness is illuminated with light and you can see everything in the dark. When I'd get in late on nights like this when I was living at home, I remember I would usually open up my back door and gaze out into the yard, amazed at how much I could see...and how many shadows there were. I also love when the moon is so big in the sky. It just seems so surreal, because that's not how the moon is supposed to look. It's small, way up in the sky, not a giant shining object sitting low in the horizon. I also like nights like these when I spontaneously do things. That don't involve drinking. Just meeting up and hanging out with friends. Something to do other than sit at home, on the computer and watching tv. This is random, but I got a comment from RJ today on myspace. I mean, he is one of my friends, but still...I thought it was out of the blue. Not in a weird way, just an unexpected way. Like, thanks for thinking about me. Why were you thinking about me? Especially with him and his connection to Adam. It just makes me wonder...but it was nice though. I wrote him back and said I needed to hang out with everyone again...I wonder if he'll say anything back. I did take this amazingly good picture of myself last night before I went out...hahaha...because he commented on that...he should be thinking, "damn, what the hell is Adam thinking?!!" And I hope when Adam sees it on facebook, he's like, "damn, what the hell am I thinking?!!"

Close your eyes, make a wish that this could last forever

I feel slightly guilty about spending $100 highlighting my hair today...it's ridiculously expensive. But I haven't had it done in a year, and it's not like I get it done all the time. Still...why does it have to be so expensive? It turned out really good though, on the upside. Feeling much better today, as well. I've been having some really weird dreams again lately. I can't remember what i dreamt about last night, but I remember what I was going to write about yesterday but I forgot: I had a dream where I wanted to see (well, more than just see, if you get my drift) Adam again. The details are sketchy, but all I know is that I woke up being like, what the heck?! You don't want to see him again! And certainly, you don't want to you-know-what with him again...well, want is not the right word...should not want to is more like it. It's so sad, I know. Why am I so hung up on this stupid boy??? It's driving me crazy. I don't want to like him anymore. I don't like him anymore. At least I tell myself I don't. Here we go again with this...I'm just gonna stop where I'm at because it's just a waste of time. I've wasted too much of my time on him. No more. Anyways, I've been reading The Notebook (I'm actually almost finished with it). It's a little...sensual I must say. Not in a bad way though. In a good way. In the way that it makes you want that so bad...to be in love like that, to have that incredible passion...I can only hope I find someone that makes me feel that way. Not much else to say tonight.

And I don't want to fall to pieces...I just want to sit and stare at you

When I didn't feel like getting up this morning, I knew it wouldn't be a good day. And I was right. It was another day drained of energy. I slept for most of the day and have mainly been in been watching tv and reading some. I thought I was getting better. I guess I was rushing things and was pushing it. Gotta still take it easy obviously. I missed going to dinner with Meghan and Vanessa tonight because of it. I wanted to go, and hoped earlier in the day that by resting I'd feel better, but I still feel weak and too tired to go out. I haven't seen Vanessa forever and I really wanted the three of us to hang out. But we'll have to do it some other time. I want to have a little party. Not really a party, but have a few people over and drink. And get drunk. I think it would be fun. I've wanted to do something like that for a while, but never have. Maybe I will soon. Just got to get some people (and of course some boys!), and there we have it. I shouldn't be drinking probably, still being sick and all...well, recovering at least...but I hate being stuck at home all the time. I just want to have some fun. I think I'll be fine if I limit myself to once or twice a week...definitely once a week. I keep reminding myself that there'll be plenty of time for all that this fall, but still...it's summer and it sucks being sick. I hopefully will be feeling better tomorrow. I should...I think I just needed a day to rest. Saturday night probably wore me out a lot. I was thinking about something earlier that I wanted to write about, but now I can't remember...

I looked away and then I looked back at you

Today, I could have been very disappointed in myself. I was on the verge of doing something very stupid last night. Of course, my drunken self wanted to. But she doesn't know any better and was only acting on her urges with very impaired judgment. Deep down, I knew it wasn't something that I should do. That I really wanted to do. It would have been purely a one night stand. I knew it, too. But I was about to go through with it anyways. Thank goodness he got a call from his friend that had been robbed and he had to deal with that. I was disappointed, because I didn't want the night to end with him. But when he came back, the possibility remained. And when he started rubbing my shoulders...if I hadn't gone into the bathroom, I don't know what might have happened. Because when I came out, he was gone. And this time, I was like, thank you! By that point I was so tired and about to pass out anyways. I wasn't in the mood anymore. It really scares me to think that I actually might have had sex with him last night. If I'd never had sex before, I would have had no problem saying no and not taking it if he tried anything more. But now that I have...it's a little harder because part of me really wants to. I know emotionally I cannot partake in casual sex. It's not me. Maybe it could be me one day, but while it is a lot of fun, it's still something special to me. At least that's what I want it to be again. Not just with any guy. Someone who loves me, cares about me, and is there for me. Not just some random guy you dance with and makeout with one night. Hey, some girls, well a lot of girls, can do it. But I'm not like all those girls. There's nothing wrong it, either, because it's a double standard to say that girls who have sex are sluts (even though I've been guilty of saying so before). Women have every right as men to have sexual freedom. I don't want to be one of those people who have tons of partners. I mean, can you say STDs? That's something that I can't forget about, either. It's right up there with my concerns over get pregnant. Drunk sex is all about gratification in the moment...not with how it may make you feel about yourself the next day. Until recently, I used to be very conservative when it came to sex. But now that I've experienced it, my views have liberalized to an extent. But I think that's also about a part of me becoming more comfortable with my sexual side. I still had fun making out with a really hot guy last night. He works at Hollister, too...so I may end up running into him there sometime. And I'm sure I'll see him when I go out with Blake again, which I will be doing. I don't know what it is about me and hooking up with his friends. His friends are just really hot...and the best part is, they think that about me, too!

When you left I lost a part of me

You know what's really been bugging me lately? There are a few people who I've invited to go out several times this summer, yet, THEY never call me to invite me to do anything. And it's really pissing me off. It's always me calling them to see what they're doing. It kinda hurts because it feels like they don't want to hang out with me. Maybe that's the case. I'm just too busy to be a part of their lives. On the other hand, there are those people that are always there for me, and I appreciate that more than anything. But this has just been making me mad because they are friends of mine. I guess I'm just not thought of when they make their plans. But whatever. Who needs people like that? I certainly don't. It just sucks because it sometimes is such a hassle to find people to go out with, since Ania's not here. And even when she's back, she's going to go through rush and probably join a sorority, which will definitely change our relationship. She'll be busy with sorority stuff. And that's another issue I have to deal with. Do I want to go back in the fall or not? Because I apparently now have some options to stay inactive (thanks to mono--one good thing came out of it). I just can't decide. Part of me wants to. But then again, the negatives are outweighing the positives. It costs $2,000 a semester. It's so ridiculously expensive! And I don't want to have a meal plan. I have a kitchen. I like to cook my own meals because it's stuff that I like and I know exactly what's in it and how it is prepared. There's no way my dad can afford to pay for it, not with the townhouses and all. So my mom suggested taking out a loan. A LOAN?!! I don't want to take out a loan. It's not worth it. I don't have any way to pay it back, and I don't want that hanging over my head. Then there's the whole fitting in/making friends thing. I know I'd fit in a lot more now that I drink, so socials wouldn't be a problem. But one of the biggest turn offs of the chapter for me was how out of place I felt. I have so much more confidence now than I did last year, which I'm sure would help somewhat, but I'm not sure if I want to go through all that again. Last semester was so nice not having to worry about the sorority. It was a huge load off my shoulders. And I didn't miss it. It's just a major cause of stress for me. I believe I made a mistake in the first place by affiliating. AHHHHH!!! It's too hard a decision. But it's one I'm going to have to make really soon.

I told you everything, opened up and let you in

So much for that...my curiousity always gets the best of me. I can't help it. That's just the way I am. That's just the way I've always been. I suppose that if I was a cat, I'd probably be dead by now...I'm one of those people if you say "don't" to, I may restrain myself at first, but eventually I just have to know. But I know when to mind my own business. I'm just definitely nosy at times...just ask my sister. But she wouldn't give a fair answer because she's a real secretive person and doesn't want anyone to know anything. I mean ANYTHING. If I ask her something about what she may be doing or anything going on in her life, she snaps at me and is like, "it's none of your business!" Geez...I just wish she would share things that were going on in her life with me. She didn't even tell me she bought a guitar. I had to find out from my mom when she said she'd be going home later to pick up her guitar that came in. What?! When did she buy a guitar? I mean, it's weird how you can know someone your whole entire life--grow up with them in the same house, and still live with them--and how little you actually know them. People ask me a lot when I say I have a sister if we're close. I wish I didn't have to hesitate and be like, not really...It's sad because I wish we were. I wish I could tell her things. I don't know why I don't really trust her that much, and she probably doesn't trust me either. I remember when I was much younger that I didn't trust her because she would always tell my mom or someone. I especially could never, ever tell her about any guy that I had a crush on. She was the absolute last person I wanted to know about that. Mainly this was when I was in middle school. Because she was at that age where she'd tease me about liking someone. So I don't know if it still stems from that in a way. I mean, I still don't tell her right away about a guy. I'll either tell her afterwards, or days later, or she'll find out from my mom. None of us siblings are close, though. It's weird. We don't share our feelings. It's all superficial. Hmmm....

And I'm stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last

I've made this little bet with myself to go for as long as I can without looking at you-know-who's facebook profile. Everytime I'm on there, I check it. It's sad. Really sad. It's become this reflex action. I go on facebook, see if I have any messages, check my profile, check his, and so on...I AM over him. At least my mind is. But I have a feeling that my heart will never be. It'll take time--lots of it, or another guy--to erase it. And by doing the things that I keep doing--the facebook checking, for example--doesn't help me any. Sometimes I see things that I don't want to see, and then I don't feel so great. But it's my own fault. I don't want to think about him anymore. I want to be COMPLETELY over him. I thought I was. Or at least I led myself to believe I was. Or maybe I was just lying to myself. Whatever the case, I shouldn't be wasting any time on him at all. Because I know that he'll never feel the same way, and I'm just not on his mind, ever. And that's ok, because I DON'T NEED HIM. I saw that he might be in town this week. And I was actually about to alter my plans and do whatever I could to possibly run into him last night--that's why I wanted to go to AJ's instead of where I went. But then I realized, why the hell should I do that? Why see him? It won't make you feel any better. It'll only make it worse, because you know nothing would happen. At the worst, I'd succumb to seeing him and doing something really stupid--again. And I don't want to take that risk. There are SO MANY guys out there who are better than him. That are a MILLION times better for me than he will EVER BE. And I know this. I do. I really do. But why can't I get him out of my head? I don't think about him as much as I used to, so I guess that means he's fading somewhat. But he was special to me, and I really, really liked him. That's why it's not easy. It never has been easy to get over those guys. But I've done it in the past, and I'll do it again. I just wish I wasn't practicing this obsessive-type behavior. I'm not obsessed. I just don't want to let go. But yes, I do.

When you come back I won't be here

Hurricane Dennis is nearing the coast...poor Pensacola residents. It hasn't even been a year since Ivan hit. Many are still rebuilding, or finally just being able to move back into their homes and businesses. And here comes another one. We've got a couple of evacuees staying at my house, aka my gramme and aunt. Went home for dinner to visit with them. I was feeling really good this morning, pretty much like normal. So I was a lot more active. It probably wasn't such a great idea, because I ended up wearing myself out by the afternoon and felt so tired. I'm still tired now, but I ended up feeling a little better. I really hope the power doesn't go out. But it most likely will. Because it always does. The littlest breeze knocks it out. And it's no fun. So I might be back at home tomorrow.

I don't know where you're going and I don't know why

So after all that drama last night, he calls me. AGAIN. This time he was sober, and he apologized for calling me last night like that. He said he was belligerant (he loves that word--is always using it). He didn't mean to upset me. Get this: he asked me how my love life was! Excuse me, but it's none of your business! I asked him why he wanted to know; he said he just did. So I said it wasn't, meaning I wasn't dating anyone. He was probably thrilled to hear that. I should have lied to him and said I was dating someone. Well, I actually could have told a little fib by saying that there was a guy I was interested in (Joe!). But I'm not clever enough to think of those kind of things at the opportune moment. It's a gift to those who can. I'm witty, but only on certain occassions. But overall the conversation was very polite and cordial. I told him I appreciated him calling and apologizing. Which is true, because I didn't think that he would. I wondered if he would call me when he wasn't drunk, and he did, but it was only to apologize. That's fine. I'm glad he didn't go all "I miss you I want to see you" on me again, because I didn't want to have to hurt him. And be put in that situation again. He says it won't happen again (the belligerent drunk phone calls). We'll see if that holds, only time will tell. I just can't believe that he told me again that he hoped I didn't do anything stupid. Umm, sorry, but so what if I had done some crazy stuff? I have every right to. And it shouldn't be any concern of him. Except that I bet he would be insanely jealous--that's probably why he said that. I can do whatever I want with whomever I want, and no guy--especially him--can tell me what to do. It's so egotistical for him to even think that--like he was THAT important to me. Yeah, I liked you, but no, I would never KILL MYSELF over you (nor any guy, EVER--there's always someone else out there, especially since I'm really young). And if the breakup somehow caused me to go a little wild, so be it. I'm no longer obligated to him. He broke that agreement, which is why I'm in this situation in the first place. "It just took him a while to realize it." Whatever. A phone call over a month would've been nice. I think I honestly miss the idea of him more than Chris himself. Maybe I was settling afterall without realizing it. I liked so much having someone there for me that I wasn't really listening to my heart. I don't want to settle. I should never settle. I want to feel the same way about him as he feels about me. And it was lop-sided in this case. Him being the one who had greater feelings for me. And I was the one who was confused and unsure. But it's all over now and I'm not going back to him. I resisted him this time--which I'm very proud of--and I will not give in if it happens again in the future. I'm absolutely exhausted. I wore myself out big-time today.

Or one more lie could be the worst

WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS???? AND WHAT THE HELL DID HE EXPECT???? I CANNOT BELIEVE HE CALLED ME---AT 2AM---TWICE. First, I wake up at 2:10am to my phone ringing...and see that it's him calling. HIM. AND HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN??? I don't answer. For one thing, I don't feel like talking. At 2 am. TO HIM especially. He leaves a message saying it's hey, that's it's him, hopes I feel better...long pause...sorry to hear it, unsure voice, says bye. My reaction: literally NOTHING BUT SHOCK. And not much else...not long lost feelings washing up or surfacing. I just wondered why? Then I get another call. I decide to answer it, but not until after it rings a while. And what does he flat out say to me? DID YOU FUCKING CALL ME A LITTLE WHILE AGO???? NO HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT TO ME. He does not wake me up at 2 o clock in the morning and say that--THAT WAY--to me. I immediately take offense and tell him no, and he's like, are you sure, and I say yeah I am and, and he's like, and what, and I say and nothing...He asks why I sound so depressed and I said I don't that it's 2 am in the morning and I'm sick and have been asleep for a couple hours (how am I supposed to sound???). I say don't call me and start accusing me of this...he gets mad and is like accusing you of what, I repeated what he said to me, and he's like yeah did you fucking call me, I asked if he was drunk and he said he had been drinking a little (ha--more like way too much). I forget what else was said and that was it. I WAS ON THE BRINK OF TEARS. No, he did not just call me, after all this time, and say that to me. Or so I thought. At 2:30 I get another phone call from him (oh, he said he missed me again in the last call) saying that he's sorry, I'm like sorry for what, he says for hurting me, that he really misses me and wants to see me, blah blah blah. Just a bunch of crap. Some things were said, don't remember what. Goodbye. Then he calls back while I'm now fully wired and pissed off. Just got off the phone with Kathryn. It was good to vent to another person--and by random chance she turned her phone on to get my message! Thanks for listening! The details are seriously getting fuzzy on me at the moment...maybe because it's so late and I need to get back to sleep. Everything will be clear in the morning and I'll write all about it. Because boy do I have some things to say!!

I get a notion by the look in your eyes

I had THE weirdest dream this morning (yes, this morning...I got up and went back to bed...I'm still sick you know) involving Adam. Weird. Creepy weird. I was hanging out at his place, where he had like 10 roommates, and they were pretty much all girls. I was on my way out of town??? And he wouldn't really pay very much attention to me. I think I kept trying to get his attention and didn't want to leave...I can pretty much interpret this dream. I haven't been thinking about it today, but for some reason, I remember an awful lot about it. Most dreams I forget the instant I wake up and by the end of the day I'm like, "what did I dream about? I know it was something really strange." So I'll try giving what I think it meant, even though I rarely even try to figure out what my dreams mean. It's too complicated. And you're supposed to write down your dream the minute you wake up so you have all the details. Yeah right. Pick up a pencil first thing and write...not happening. Well, I think the whole not paying attention to me needs no interpreting, really, because that's pretty much what reality is like. And I obviously want his attention (or wanted, but deep down...I can say I've moved on as much as I want, but does anyone ever really get over someone they really had feelings for?), but my efforts, no matter how hard I try, are pointless. And that's definitely true for the real world. I can wish and wish and wish, and try and try and try, but as long as he still feels what he says he feels, which is nothing, then there's nothing that I can do to change his mind. As for the whole weird house he lived in, I have no clue. For the tons of people who kept coming and going (and the 10 roommates?!), I think it may have been trying to express the fact that I feel like I'm just another girl in his life, no one special to him, which is why he treated me as he did. And I do remember feeling a little threatened by the female roommates in the dream...probably stands for my not wanting him to be with anyone else, that I can't stand the thought of him with another girl. It's the fact that he doesn't want you, but you want him. I don't think that I've wanted to see any of the guys that I've liked in the past with another girl. Who does? Especially when it didn't work out, but YOU wanted it to. I don't really know the meaning of the dream, and obviously never will. And who knows if I'm even close to what my subconscious mind was trying to tell me. But I gave it a shot, and it was interesting analyzing my thoughts. Not that I don't ever do that; I actually overanalyze WAY too much. Maybe I'll check out a book about dreams from the library. Or maybe not.

One last kiss could be the best thing

Chloe is sitting on the floor looking up at me and staring, begging me to play with her. She's so hard to resist...but I really don't feel like playing. She's a crazy little kitty cat, she really is. But so sweet. I don't know how anyone could have ever abandoned her. I've got Troy on the tv right now. It's on HBO. I've never seen it before, and there's nothing else on, so I figure, why not at least have it on as background noise? I'm feeling so much better right now than I have in the past week and a half. Just a little tired, but the nausea has subsided (at least for now, and hopefully for good). I had an accupuncture treatment this evening, which is supposed to help boost my immune system so my body will be rid of the disease quicker. Hey, why not try it, since there's nothing conventional medicine can do for me. It doesn't hurt--it's a little strange-feeling, but not painful. I've had it done before, so it wasn't my first time. I want so badly to workout. To do something active and physical. To get my heart pumping. I'm going nuts not being able to do so. I got the lube kit for my treadmill in the mail this past weekend, but I haven't tried it out on my machine yet to see if that'll fix it. I really hoping that it does, because I don't want to have to buy a new belt, and I want my treadmill back! Last night was the first night I didn't watch any fireworks on the 4th of July. I wasn't feeling well, and my plan for finding a boy to kiss under the fireworks had to be abandoned. So much for a good 4th. Maybe next year. I really want to have a big outdoor picnic-type party one year, with a bunch of people. I think that'd be fun. She's just looking at me with those eyes, and that face....awww!!! Too cute for words. I missed out Saturday night at Cafe Cabernet. Well, I missed it in the sense that I wished I'd seen everyone, because no one went. But I was asleep, so it was better that we didn't do it this week. Maybe next week it'll be on again. I want to see Joe!!! Haha...what cute boys will do to you...But I don't know, I read on Adam's facebook wall (no, I'm not a psycho...I check out other peoples' pages, too...but his more than others I guess!!! lol) that RJ is gonna be out of town this weekend (he was asking when Adam was going to come back up here to visit). Hmm...not sure I want to know that information. He sure is hell ain't getting anything from me whenever he does come back up!!! Ania's coming home soon. She'll be back on the 10th of July, but I'm confused to as whether she meant home as in Orlando, or here in Tallahassee. Because I know she's coming back to town early, but it sounds like the 10th she'll be back here. That'll give us a long time before school starts to have lots of fun...if I can recover fast. And not get sick again. That's why I'm still taking it easy, no matter how much I want to just go for a run (although, mentally I want to, physically, I'm way too worn out). I feel like I'm just babbling on about nothing really, so I'm going to go.

I know there's something in the wake of your smile

Guess who I heard from today--Adam! I'm serious!!! Yesterday I had sent him a message informing him that I had mono, so he could be on the lookout. I didn't expect to hear back--especially from him. I was even going to a one point write in here about how these 2 guys that I was involved with wouldn't even wish me well, showing what jerks I dated. But this evening when I checked facebook, there it was: a reply message from Adam. I was literally shocked. Here's what he wrote:
Hey, that really stinks that you have mono! I have never had it before. You must have been makin' out with some other boy :0 I hope you feel better and have a good 4th. Talk to you later. adam
That was really nice of him to write back. It really cheered me up and made me feel good. I know there's no future for us, but just the fact that he did that really impressed me. So now he's slightly less of a jerk. And his nice side showed for once--a side I haven't seen of him in a very long time. I highly doubt that I will hear back from Chris. Whatever. He's the bigger jerk out of them both. So I've felt a little better today--at least, better than yesterday. But I've been in bed all day watching tv and sleeping pretty much. I went home for dinner. I'm feeling ok at the moment, except for feeling nauseus (sp?). It's so weird...I don't know what's causing it. Is is the mono? Or it could be my birth control pills. However, I've been on those for over a month now, and I don't know why it would suddenly start making me feel sick. I'm starting to feel depressed. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Sure, I've been sad and upset, but that was over boys, and it was totally different. I'm not feeling too great about myself--mainly about my body. I feel so blah and gross and inactive and out of shape. I'm so used to working out all the time, and ever since I came down with mono (before I knew what I had), my workouts had declined. So I began to feel this way a couple of weeks ago. I want to run so bad. But I can't because I might rupture my spleen. Plus, I don't exactly have the energy. My body image isn't so hot right now. I really hope I get over this soon, because I really want to get back to my normal level of fitness and feel good about myself.